Jaspers here, emergency c-section and in the NICU :( - Page 4

[DragonflyMom]

Breastfeeding was frustrating today, he is just too small to get a grip on my nipple without the shield and the shield kept slipping off and he was getting so frustrated as was I.

I just gave in after about 10 minutes of him trying his hardest and bottle fed.

My supply is doing good so I think I will wait until we are home to work on breast feeding as I will be able to relax more and not worry about people walking by and the like.

That plan seemed to work well with pumping so Im hoping it goes the same with breast feeding.

I was just so defeated feeling, I started crying and my poor husband didnt know how to console me.....I have a lot of body image issues and my breasts are the biggest part of the so this is just another reason to hate them.

:(

Good news is Jaspers doing great, its so hard to walk away from him in the evenings and I refuse to leave if he is not asleep, It hurts to think about him being awake and all alone there....I cannot wait to get him home so I can love on him 24/7

[nicolian]

Oh mama. Sorry breastfeeding is so rough for you right now. I think focusing on getting him home and working on it then is a great idea. That's awesome that pumping is going so well. So awesome! Pumping can be SUCH a challenge!

I can't wait to hear of Jasper making his trip home with you.

[~pi]

Dragonfly, I had a really hard time getting breastfeeding started with my first (who was also in the NICU.) I remember well that feeling of having a day of exciting progress followed by a bad day or two. Your plan to work on it at home sounds very sensible. Hugs.

I don't know if this is helpful at all, but in case it is, remember that your breasts are making milk. It sounds from your pumping results that they are doing a fantastic job of it.

[DragonflyMom]

So is it tacky to keep updating here?

I feel bad bumping other posts down but I need somewhere to vent!

Pumping is still going good, I started keeping a log yesterday and from midnight Friday morning to midnight Saturday (this) morning I pumped 23 ounces.

Is that a good number?

I keep meaning to ask the consultant at the NICU but I get so nervous...I know shes there to help but Im just not good with social skills especially with all the stress right now.

Going to take some cookie/brownie bars to my OB appointment today, my OB and her nurse seriously restored my faith in the medical system, I have NEVER had even a semi-decent experience in a doctors office before her and her nurse is so awesome.

Im still feeling let down by my body about the c-section and now breastfeeding on top of it.

I have a hard time saying "Jasper was born" or "I gave birth"...I still feel like he was taken.

I keep catching myself stopping to check if he is moving or rolling myself off of my back at night because I feel like I should still be pregnant.

I think it will get better once he is home and I can see and touch him as much as I want.

On the other hand, a bunch of my not so lovely symptoms have vanished, it took my a few days to realize I had no heartburn and that I was not snoring anymore.

[emmaegbert]

do you feel like your OB is someone you can talk to about your feelings? I know she's been very supportive and positive with you through the pregnancy. there is a good section in the book "birthing from within" about the importance of coming to see a caesarean birth as a birth, not a procedure... might be interesting to you, I don't know.

I like the updates and can't wait to read that he's home safe and sound and healthy with his parents.

[DragonflyMom]

Originally Posted by emmaegbert 

do you feel like your OB is someone you can talk to about your feelings? I know she's been very supportive and positive with you through the pregnancy. there is a good section in the book "birthing from within" about the importance of coming to see a caesarean birth as a birth, not a procedure... might be interesting to you, I don't know.

I like the updates and can't wait to read that he's home safe and sound and healthy with his parents.

She would listen,and probably try to help me rationalize it, but I honestly dont want to bother her with it.

Im a very private person in real life, it just seems to easy to open up online though lol.

She was so supportive of my birth expectations, she left the decision up to me but told me she really thought he needed some help coming out...Im so glad I listened because I really dont think he would have made it out on his own OK.

And she kept telling me there is always VBAC, she is very supportive of them, Im sad though because our next child most likely will be conceived/born in Louisiana...I almost want to stay up here just to use her again.

I will check my library and amazon.com for that book, I have been meaning to check out the ICAN website for a few days.

[AKChix0r]

First, today is Friday (it all bleeds together in NICU land though, I know).

Second, 23oz?!?!? I would KILL to pump that much, and I'm a month out. Good work!

Third, keep an eye on your feelings. I worry about you every time I read your updates because you sound exactly like I did on so many things - feeling like the experience wasn't what you wanted, the NICU frustration, pumping "just until you get out," etc. If you EVER want to talk, I'll gladly give you my number. I hope you get Jasper out soon. My midwife's apprentice said it best - "The NICU is just like, 'Come on babies, EVERY baby is welcome here at the NICU, but once you come, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE! Muwahahahaha!'" I hated when people would tell me "All babies DO go home eventually." it doesn't ease the feeling of wanting him home RIGHT NOW, and there's a lot of anger and disappointment that comes with that.

[DragonflyMom]

Originally Posted by AKChix0r 

First, today is Friday (it all bleeds together in NICU land though, I know).
Second, 23oz?!?!? I would KILL to pump that much, and I'm a month out. Good work!
Third, keep an eye on your feelings. I worry about you every time I read your updates because you sound exactly like I did on so many things - feeling like the experience wasn't what you wanted, the NICU frustration, pumping "just until you get out," etc. If you EVER want to talk, I'll gladly give you my number. I hope you get Jasper out soon. My midwife's apprentice said it best - "The NICU is just like, 'Come on babies, EVERY baby is welcome here at the NICU, but once you come, YOU CAN NEVER LEAVE! Muwahahahaha!'" I hated when people would tell me "All babies DO go home eventually." it doesn't ease the feeling of wanting him home RIGHT NOW, and there's a lot of anger and disappointment that comes with that.

Yeah...I have lost my days lol.

Im actually pleasantly surprised with how pro-active the NICU is with getting kids home, my little ones roommate was set to go home yesterday as long as there was no weigh loss (he was in for 5 weeks) and when the nurse went to weigh him for discharge he had lost like a minute amount so she put her finger on the scale.

Im hoping for some good news today, today is his last dose of anti-biotics so Im hoping this evening (maaaaybe) or tomorrow morning (probably for sure) he will be home, he has been gaining weight great and that was the only other condition.

I will keep you in mind if I need to talk, I have horrible phone anxiety though, its so easy to type out my feelings lol.

[~pi]

Originally Posted by DragonflyMom 

So is it tacky to keep updating here?

I feel bad bumping other posts down but I need somewhere to vent!

Pumping is still going good, I started keeping a log yesterday and from midnight Friday morning to midnight Saturday (this) morning I pumped 23 ounces.

Is that a good number?

I keep meaning to ask the consultant at the NICU but I get so nervous...I know shes there to help but Im just not good with social skills especially with all the stress right now.

Going to take some cookie/brownie bars to my OB appointment today, my OB and her nurse seriously restored my faith in the medical system, I have NEVER had even a semi-decent experience in a doctors office before her and her nurse is so awesome.

Im still feeling let down by my body about the c-section and now breastfeeding on top of it.

I have a hard time saying "Jasper was born" or "I gave birth"...I still feel like he was taken.

I keep catching myself stopping to check if he is moving or rolling myself off of my back at night because I feel like I should still be pregnant.

I think it will get better once he is home and I can see and touch him as much as I want.

On the other hand, a bunch of my not so lovely symptoms have vanished, it took my a few days to realize I had no heartburn and that I was not snoring anymore.

First, no, not tacky at all to update here. It is good to know how you are doing.

Do you think your feelings about Jasper being taken might be related to the fact that a) it all happened so suddenly and b) you didn't get to keep him with you? I mean, you weren't expecting to have him that day, and then suddenly you were in surgery, and then he was off to the NICU. I can totally see how that would really throw you. It would be so disorienting. But please do try to remember that he *was* born. A cesarean may not be the birth you wanted, but it's still a birth.

I think you are right that it will help once he's home.

Also, re: hating your body, remember that your body grew him, and grew him well. You had some problems at the end, so thank goodness for the needed medical interventions, and for your smart decision making, but also thank goodness for your body for getting him to that point safely. He sounds like he's doing better every day, which is wonderful. And your body is making TONS of milk. 23 ounces with no nursing yet is really, really great!

[emmaegbert]

Originally Posted by DragonflyMom 

Im a very private person in real life, it just seems to easy to open up online though lol.

I understand that. Its very uncomfortable for me to open up emotionally F2F a lot of the time. Sometimes it can be a relief to find the supportive listener and actually say things out loud, but it certainly has to be the right person and the right situation. And don't worry about performing for the hospital staff. For sure the NICU nurses and staff are used to dealing with people who are extremely stressed out. Honestly, who wouldn't be in that scenario. I am sure they have seen it all.

And it does sound like you are making a lot of milk, that is impressive for exclusive pumping!

Edited by emmaegbert - 10/15/11 at 11:53am

[cameragirl]

I might have missed it, but has the LC fitted you for new flanges? It really made a difference for me. The standard size that is in the kits doesn't work for a lot of moms. I personally liked the soft fit Medela flanges or "horns." Getting the right amount of pressure helps prevent soreness, and helps you make more milk.

I hope that he's home soon. Your feelings sound normal, too. I felt like that when DD was born by c-section and rushed off to the NICU for an hour and a half. I can only imagine. Getting those feelings out helps, though.

[livacreature]

Jasper and you have been on my mind today.  Hoping so much he is with you soon.

[DragonflyMom]

Jasper didnt come home today.

Got a call as we were leaving  to go see him that his oxygen saturation levels were too low, they checked them because he started turning blue.

He might have a heart defect, they are doing an echo-cardio gram in the morning.

I seriously feel like jumping off a cliff right now  :(

[dollyanna]

Oh, mama.  I'm so sorry you're going through this.

I am sending lots and lots of healing thoughts to Jasper. 

[~pi]

Dragonfly. I'm so sorry things continue to be hard. Hoping you get good news from the echo.

[livacreature]

Oh, no. I am so sorry, hoping his echo shows up clear. .

[DragonflyMom]

Just called to check on him, his oxygen levels are at 95, 95-100 is normal range...lets hope it stays there.

His blood pressures have all been normal which is in our favor...if he had a serious hole in his heart his blood pressure would be up...crossing my fingers that its just reflux or something...I really dont think I can take many more hits.

[Leiahs]

Thinking of you and Jasper - hope he continues to improve, and quickly! 

[DragonflyMom]

Sat down this morning at 4 am for a pumping and my cellphone rang from the NICU...I freaked the fuck out.

They were calling to let me know he was back on oxygen, they had done some blood cultures and other labs in general and everything came back normal.

They did a chest xray which came back a bit hazy, he could be retaining fluid but they are doing another one as well as the echo sometime soon this morning.

She said she does not expect any heart problems to come back as he sounds nice and clear with no murmurs so Im trying to stay positive.

I have a WIC appointment to go get a free pump this afternoon at 12 so I wont be able to get to him until 2 and I feel like such a bad mom :(

We dont have a pumping forum do we?

Pumping is going good I guess, is it normal to get varying amounts?

If I pump at 2 hours I get around 1 1/2 - 2 ounces total

3 hours I usually get atleast 2 1/2 sometimes closer to 3 1/2

And last night after my 4 hour break (Sleeeeeeeepppp!) I got 6 ounces.

Am I fucking with my supply by pumping at different intervals?

I usually go 2,3,2,4,3 during the evening and night so that Im in bed by 11-12 and can get four hours of sleep between 2 and 5am

[dollyanna]

I've been thinking about you & Jasper this morning.  That sucks that his oxygen went down again.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed that he just needs a little bit longer to get over the pneumonia and that he'll be coming home really, really soon. 

I'm not a pumping expert, but I think it's definitely totally normal to get different amounts at different times of day.  I know I always got more first thing in the morning.  I don't think you're messing with your supply pumping at those intervals.  It sounds like you are doing a really awesome job! 

There is a great breastfeeding challenges forum here: http://www.mothering.com/community/f/363/breastfeeding-challenges.  I got really good advice there with DD1 for other issues I was having.  I remember there used to be an "exclusive pumping tribe" thread there, but that was a few years ago.  I think if you post your questions there you'll get some good responses and advice.