I don't feel like I can talk to anyone

[Lisa1970]

I am afraid to talk to anyone about this. There really is no one to talk to! No one gets it. I just want people to stay away and not speak to me anymore because I feel so horrible. No one wants to help me. Other than, of course, the quick fix people like....drugs. I am not willing to take anti-depressants.  I have before and it is not something I am willing to do again. No one wants to actually deal with the problems. Everywhere I turn, people watch too much TV and think doctors are gods who can do no wrong, therefore, it must all just be a big misunderstanding. No one understands or cares. 

People always say "talk to your doctor about this." Ummm....which doctor? The one who screwed me over and almost killed my baby? Ask him why he is such a lying a-hole who abandoned me when I needed him most? That the whole reason I drove an hour each way and waited two hours in his waiting room each time was because HE was supposed to be my doctor. But in the end, he did not even have a doctor on call who was willing to see me or treat me and I was forced to scramble to find another doctor at the last second. OR would it be his good friend..the family doctor who has been out family physician for 10 yrs? Tell that man what an A his friend is and how he has caused me to go in to this depression where I just keep thinking about what his friend did to me, over and over again.....trying to process what happened and how anyone could do that to someone? 

[Mom31]

I am so sorry you are going thru this. I don't have any advice really other then to find a therapist that specializes in birth trauma or find that website that deals with healing from birth trauma.

Live in the moment. Try. I suffer from depression and I do take meds but understand you not wanting to.

[McGucks]

Hi Lisa.  I am so sorry you are having such an awful time.  Can I ask how old your child is?  Do you have support from family, a partner/spouse, anybody?  You sound so alone and I hope you have somebody IRL.  Is there a La Leche group in your area?

I was very hesitant to try medication initially for many reasons, but have found them to be very helpful at different times in my life.  I had to be really honest with myself and my (succession of) doctors about what seemed to be helping, what side effects were tolerable, and that kind of thing.

Do you live in an area where you could shop around for a therapist (if you have insurance, that is...grrr...)?

It sounds like there are a lot of things that have been so scary and disappointing for you.  Keep reaching out until you find some relief, mama, whether it be from a friend, family member, neighbor, physician/therapist...anyone who can help you find the strength you have and learn how to use it for you and your child's benefit.  Feel free to PM me if you would like.

Sending warm thoughts your way. 

[Lisa1970]

The baby is 2 weeks old. I won't take medications because I have already tried three. 2 of the three had bad reactions (oddly, one of them caused nerve damage in my shoulder). The third was fine, Zoloft. Not sure how much it actually helped me as by the time I started taking that, I was doing better. Anyway, I was on the zoloft for years. During that time, I got pregnant and had a little boy and breastfed him 2.5 yrs. When I weaned him from nursing, he ended up having severe anxiety problems. He ACTED like a child who had been addicted to drugs inutero!! He is 10 yrs old. He did not just "get over it." So, since I have a 2 week old, if things are bad enough that I need medication, I will wean her. That is the reason behind no anti-depressants.

It is just when the baby is fine or you are saying something negative about a doctor, people take this attitude that the doctor knows all.

[McGucks]

Doctors are like the rest of us...some are great, some are awful, most are in between.  It sounds like you have had more than your fair share of the rotten ones.  Maybe you live in a large enough area that you can keep shopping for a decent one?

I hope that you find something that gives you relief, whether it be in the form of personal support from someone you trust or from some other means.  Being a new mom can be so hard, even in the very best of circumstances.  Good luck, mama.

[dreamingtree]

Do you know of any nurse practitioners in the area that you could go to? I find I have much better luck with them actually listening to my problems and acting like they care, rather than trying to rush me out the door so they can deal with the next patient. Not all of them are like that, but in general I much prefer seeing a nurse practitioner... 

hugs to you. I'm sorry things are so hard right now. 

[Mom31]

Thinking of you today! I hope it is sunny where you are and you are able to go sit outside with the baby and relax. Take some deep breaths. You will get thru this dark time.

[polishprinsezz]

wish you lived near me so i could befriend you. it is a horrible feeling to feel like you live in a hole you cant get out of.

[Lisa1970]

My husband forbade me to talk to anyone about this. He is afraid if I do, it will just backfire and we will have worse problems.

[Adaline'sMama]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

My husband forbade me to talk to anyone about this. He is afraid if I do, it will just backfire and we will have worse problems.

WTF? Are you serious? That is ridiculous. You need to tell him that you need support IRL. Are there any PPD support groups where you live?

[Mom31]

Oh Lisa Its so hard to be isolated. I am praying for your family. You need to seek out counseling or IRL support of some form.  There are other options other then just meds to get thru these tough hurdles.

[Lisa1970]

He says if I tell anyone I am upset over this....like I am...that they will just call child abuse on me. I am not sure what child abuse has to do with this, I do not hit my children. But, he wants me to talk to no one about it. I am sure he would be upset if he knew I were even posting about it.

[Adaline'sMama]

Lisa, that is ridiculous. No one is going to call CPS on you for having PPD. You need to get help, and he needs to remember that counselors are typically bound by a confidentiality clause that they agree to when you start. Things are going to be so much worse if you keep it in, and I think you know that. You need to make an appointment with a counselor that deals with women who are suffering from PPD, look into getting involved with a support group, and figure out some backup childcare for you new baby in case you DO need a break because of the way you feel.

[insidevoice]

Originally Posted by Lisa1970 

He says if I tell anyone I am upset over this....like I am...that they will just call child abuse on me. I am not sure what child abuse has to do with this, I do not hit my children. But, he wants me to talk to no one about it. I am sure he would be upset if he knew I were even posting about it.

Your husband is being unrealistic.  However, he- like most other people- probably can't understand why you are nurturing your anger at a situation that really is over with.  You can't go back and change things, but you can put the word out about this doctor.  Beyond that, you need to decide why you re giving this situation so much power over your life in the present.  A good therapist might help, but finding one could be tricky.  Beyond that- the goal of said therapist would be to help you move forward instead of being hung up on this situation.  

Yes, it was miserable and unfair and no one should have that experience, but you did.  I am very sorry for that.  Ultimately though, you are giving this power in your life as you move forward that it simply doesn't  deserve, and you need to decide why you are doing that. 

I was abandoned at the end of my last pregnancy as well- it's a terrible experience and I can absolutely relate to that.   The danger you and the baby were in was absolutely not necessary, and you should not have had to experience that, but some burdens are better set down so you can move forward with your own life and joy. 

If you can't break out of the thought patterns without medications, it may be worth considering that path, though I fear you would then feel that you were forced to give up a breastfeeding relationship with your child.  You may not be comfortable with meds and that is absolutely your right, but in the grand scheme of things, you need and deserve to be emotionally healthy and heal from this situation.  Do what it takes to get there without guilt.  

[mom2tig99Nroo03]

hugs mama. i agree with the others that you need to find someone to talk to, though i obviously would not start with your fmaily doc or the sOB that abandoned you.

[McGucks]

I love the sOB acronym.

Lisa, I am very worried that you are in a situation where you are being forbidden to discuss anything.  That is of concern, big time.  If you have PPD, the road you are on is one that likely requires AT LEAST some verbal support from someone other than your partner.

What's up with your DH that he is so paranoid about CPS?  It is a sign of strength to reach out, not a sign of weakness.

Sending good thoughts your way and hoping some help will cross your path

[mom2tig99Nroo03]

lisa, how about calling a warmline for mamas w ppd? you don't have to even giv eyour name i don't think just to talk with someone that way, and you can get referrals for places to go irl from these warmlines. 

not sure what to suggest re: the meds as i too am very hesitant to use them especially while nursing, but i took zoloft for around a year (just weaned off it a couple months ago) and thankfully ds had no issues from it.