What do you think of Barbara Coloroso's "Kids Are Worth It?" (long) - Page 2

[transylvania_mom]

what a great update!

I wouldn't ask him to give you smilies though. It will work until the next confrontation when he has to do something he doesn't like, then he'll shred you to pieces.

But you know your child best.

[nina_yyc]

I really liked Kids Are Worth It.  I found myself in a similar scenario when L was 3.  E was newborn, I was on mat leave, and all hell was breaking loose.  I'd read Unconditional Parenting when L was a baby but somehow a lot of those ideas had gotten chucked out the window when she was two and actually started responding to coercion.  Slippery slope :(  I read every discipline book I could get my hands on and two that I really responded to were Kids Are Worth It and Alyson Schaefer's Honey I Wrecked the Kids.  

What I really liked about those two books is the idea of giving kids more credit and having them take on more responsibilities and really be accountable for their actions...also the idea that the more they put into a home and family, the more they are invested and the more they will cooperate.  Since then I've been trying to walk the talk and really BE the gentle yet consistent parent that I want to be and though I haven't always been successful I am always improving and the vision and end goal resonate with me the way that other parenting philosophies do not.

I have reread UP a couple times and although I don't find it to be at odds with what I'm trying to do, I find it more of a guiding philosophy than a step-by-step manual.  He just leaves a whole lot open and there's a lot of room to make mistakes.  I know in my case I remember really not respecting my mom and never wanting to listen to her and all the epic fights of my teenage years (eeep, my mom didn't deserve me!!)  So when DD was a baby I did not think to expect her to listen and respect...I just figured those were a lost cause and then tried to punish my way out of the mess.  Surprise, that didn't work!  I am also just not a laid-back person and am very type-A so a lot of the 'this too shall pass' and 'let it go' school of advice just doesn't work for me.  I am more a believer that kids will rise to the bar where you set it, within reason.  Once I accepted this, discipline became a lot easier.  I will never be "the ideal" but me and my kids will be a lot happier if I don't try to be Naomi Aldort.

Anyway no life advice for you since my kids are 4.5 and 1.5 but hope you find something that sticks!!!  You have the right to adult time and you have the right to a day that runs smoothly and don't let anyone tell you different.

[Xerxella]

I just wanted to say I agree with this. 

Quote:

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

what a great update!

I wouldn't ask him to give you smilies though. It will work until the next confrontation when he has to do something he doesn't like, then he'll shred you to pieces.

But you know your child best.

But another book recomendation that seems to be along the lines of how you want to parent is "The Secret of Parenting" by Anthony Wolf.  You may like it.  http://www.amazon.com/Secret-Parenting-Kids-Preteens-Without-Punishment/dp/0374527083
 

[NellieKatz]

Oh those smlies were his own idea. I wanted to get rid of the whole "grading each other" system. Which we did, by the way. He was really just expressing his happiness that night....smilies haven't been mentioned since. And, I should say, we've been doing great. We two parents (mostly I, though, since I'm with him all day while DH is at work) have been following Barbara Coloroso's methods , even when DS loses his temper and stomps or yells; we've kept from getting sucked into a battle, kept our heads about us, and been very cool about things! I keep my mantra in my head at all times; I am a peacemaker & will not engage in struggle. I have certain expectations of him and I convey them. No threats.

We've been delighted with how much DS wants to be helpful when he's not "under the gun" all the time. His behavior has really risen to the occasion since we've decided to stop being real authoritarian jerks.  :-)

Stay tuned.

Originally Posted by transylvania_mom 

what a great update!

I wouldn't ask him to give you smilies though. It will work until the next confrontation when he has to do something he doesn't like, then he'll shred you to pieces.

But you know your child best.

[nd_deadhead]

Fantastic! Not only are you getting positive reinforcement for your methods, your son will gain more and more trust in you. This is a win-win-win situation!

Keep up the good work!

[NellieKatz]

Thanks. And as I re-read this, I thought of something that I'd pass along that may help anyone reading this who wants to "go peaceful" but still have expectations of their kids (i.e. that they need to get ready on time for places, that they need to help around the house, do homework etc.).

One thing that happens when you do what I did (vowing to not engage in struggle) is the immediate rising of Big Parenty Ego's ugly head. Be warned! When you ask or tell your child that something needs to be done, even in the nicest way, they still might say No. Or sulk, or whine. At this point you will probably be able to feel it in your body as the anger wants to rise, and small little demons in your head say things like "I'm the parent, goddammit!" and "Because I said so" and "If you don't, I'm going to take away your play date tomorrow" and "Shoot, these things I'm thinking are awful but how can I MAKE him do XY or Z if I don't threaten!???"

Take heart. Take a breath. This happened to me and I got through it. I remembered Coloroso's book, and I just remembered to tell my child "this is your responsibility; you will be held accountable for it."  And yes, there is a possibility (likeilhood?) that they won't do what you've asked! This is the hardest part; holding back from forcing, even when they are NOT doing what you asked.

I just look him in the eye "You will be held accountable; this is your job to do." and then, later, when he's asking for something he wants, some treat, some fun, whatever....you just say "Yup, we can do that as soon as your task is done."

I am not making this stuff up. It works. I just did it in the middle of this post. "Mom, can I go downstairs and watch the computer?"   "Yes, as soon as you are done getting dressed. (it's on his to-do list) The faster you get dressed, the sooner you can get downstairs" And off he went to get dressed.

This morning, I wrote BOTH our to-do lists on the big whiteboard. He noticed "wow mom, your to-do list is longer than mine" (my little voice in the head sarcastically said "ya think??")  So we've been doing our tasks and checking them off our lists all morning. He got the spirit of it "I'm CRANKIN' through my list, mom"

Anyway, there are more things on my to-do list that need doing so we won't be late.....gotta run....

[nd_deadhead]

I am so happy for you - and proud of you! Especially the way you described the voice in your head. It's not easy being stronger than The Voice!

My sons are 17, high school seniors, so our issues are a lot different. But the same principles still apply: make the expectations clear, give them the opportunity to figure out how to do things for themselves, support their methods (even if they aren't the ones you would choose), and love them unconditionally throughout. Be consistent, but be willing to listen to suggestions and alternatives. Treat them with respect, and don't give them a reason to not trust you.

The hard work you're doing now will pay off for may, many years to come!

[nina_yyc]

Originally Posted by NellieKatz 

 "I'm CRANKIN' through my list, mom"

Awwwww.