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Having Trouble Coping

post #1 of 18
Thread Starter 

Hi, my name is Cindy, I am twenty-five years old and recently lost my two year old son, Vincent. I was a single mother and lived with my mom and aunt, and while his father was not in the picture, per his own actions, my son never went without and was more than compensated with all the love he could ever want or need.


This is my story...


It was Febrary 17th, 2011, Thursday night. I picked him up from the babysitters home as usual after work and we sang to his favorite CD ( Taylor Swift ) the twenty minute ride home. He had a small chest cold that he was getting over, but as always, he never let a sickness slow him down. Happily kicking and attempting to sing/hum along in the backseat. When we got home it was a usual night, we came upstairs and he striped off his coat ( That he picked out himself) threw it to the floor and ran to go play with his trains that were already waiting for him on the coffee table in the living room. ( He was OBSESSED with Thomas the Tank ) I made him a snack and began to make his dinner. Everything was completely normal. By the time he finished Dinner gammie ( thats what he called my mom ) had come home and as usual he wanted to be all over her. He loved his gammie, every morning while i was getting ready for work, he would run into her room and crawl into bed with her and pretend to be sleeping when I came in to get him ready. It was a two person job, the child loved to be naked. He had no modesty.


By eight o'clock we started to wind down, giving him his daily bubble bath that he insisted on. The boy loved his baths and even had to pour the bubbles in himself. After thirty minutes or so I finally drained the tub and he was willing to get out since he was getting chilly. I took him out and wrapped him in his little robe and he took off running to his gammie who was waiting with his pjs. At that point he threw off his robe and proceeded to try and make us chase him. Always the jokester.


Once we finally won the battle he got his cup of milk and crawled into the recliner with my mom for his night snuggles before bed and watched some tv. It was about 9:30 by the time he finished his milk and was ready to go to bed, so he said his good nights to his gammie and we headed into the room. He jumped on my bed like he was going to be sleeping with me ( which never happened, as much as I wish I could change that now, I'd let him sleep next to me every night if I could.. ) I picked him up and hugged him tight, kissed his cheek and sang him a lullabye. I put him in his crib and got into bed, at this point he did his nightly routine of jumping up and down a few times to get out the last spurts of energy he had and reached over the crib where when i would hold my hand out to him, he would hold my hand for a minute and then switch to his other hand. After that was done I told him it was time for bed and I would see him in the morning and he layed down and quietly fell asleep....


The next more, Friday, Febrary 18th, 2011..... I woke up early to get a shower as I had not got one the night before, i quickly shut off my alarm and headed into the bathroom without switching the light on as I didn't want to wake him up early. I showered, brushed my teeth did my hair and make up for work and returned to the room to get ready for work. When I switched on the light and looked to his crib I didn't feel anything strange or notice anything different. It was only when I went and put my hand on his back to rub it gently to wake him that I began to worry...He was cold... When I started to turn him over, he was already a little stiff,...and the worst part that sticks to me to this day, almost 8 months later that clouds my nightmares and makes me cry at the very thought...is when I turned him over, he had one eye half open.... I can never get this image of my beautiful baby boy out of my head, even as I write this, going through the actions I am in tears just thinking about it...


I paniced when I realized what I was seeing and screamed so loudly it woke up not only my aunt and mom, but our neighbors downstairs ( my babysit from when I was little ) I nearly collapsed on the spot and my mom came running into the room, grabbed him out of crib screaming and took him to the living room where she laid him on the floor and tried to give him CPR...My aunt immediately grabbed the phone and called 911 and let my downstairs neighbor in. The site was so horrifying for this woman whom I've known all my life to be the strongest woman I know that she had to go back down stairs. It only took the peramedics a few minutes to get to my home and by that time i had taken my baby into my arms and was trying desperately to wish life back into him while rocking him....


The paramedics took him from my arms and quickly rushed him from the home to the hospital only a few minutes away. I quickly got dressed, and a police officer...One of the most compasinate men I have ever met ( I will explain later ) rushed me to the hospital, my mom and aunt staying behind to answer questions that the police had for them. When I got to the hospital they were already working on my baby but gave up after only a few minutes and pronounced him dead... Again I nearly fell to the ground, and would have if it hadn't been for a nurse who was standing right next to me...


I sat with him and held his hand, trying my hardest to be strong but at 24 years old and losing the only person in your life that you were truly living for it was so difficult. I stayed at the hospital waiting for my mom and aunt to come, little did I know my entire family as well as his babysitters family would show up...We all cried for what seemed like hours before I finally told them they could take him out of the room, only after everyone had said their goodbyes....



Fast Forwarding to two days later, after not sleeping the first night and living off of nothing but coffee and cigarettes I finally passed out late the second night. When I woke up my mom told me I had had a visitor but she didn't want to wake me up..It had been the cop who had taken me to the hospital, he wanted to check on me and see how I was doing and had left me his card and said to call if I needed anything.. From the most horrible day of my life up until I moved out in July, this cop would be sitting outside my house on random days, just to see if he could caught me as I was leaving for work to see how I was...I will always be truly grateful for his compassion.


After four months without any answers to what the cause of death was, we finally recieved the medical examiners report...Hoping we would have an answer, we were left with nothing. The cause of death reading '' Sudden Unexplained Death In Child''... Still no answers....


Although this may seem strange, my mother and I went to see a medium we have seen several times before and believe her to truly be the real deal. Her name is Maureen Hancock..She told us that what had happened was genetic...And I really do believe this to be true as not only did my son pass away but my cousin's 3 week old son, and my grandmothers 2 week old son. While those deaths were contributed to be SIDS the fact that their are 3 boys in one family who have passed away without cause is too much to be coincidence. My next step is to go to my doctor and see if there is a way to be tested for this gene and what the probability of it happening again is...Not that children are foreseen in my near future at all I would just like to know if later on in my life if child are still an option without this happening again....


Thank you for letting me share my story with you... I am trying to deal, I have gone to councelling I am on medication but nothing really seems to be helping and I just don't know what else to do, and was wondering if anyone had any ideas for me to try...

post #2 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss.  There are no words.  

post #3 of 18
Thread Starter 

Thank you, I appreciate it.

post #4 of 18

Oh BellaDream. I am so deeply sorry for your profound loss. You found me in my thread about my mom, so you know that I know what it is like to have someone close to you pass for absolutely no reason.  There are no words to describe the pain and the confusion and tornado of emotions. It doesn't feel real.  Maybe it never will. At least for me, it was my mother who had a full life - she passed 30 years too soon and there was so much she had not seen or done, but she DID have a marriage, and a family, and a grandchild. For a sweet baby to pass so suddenly without explanation... It is impossible not to question how such a thing is possible if there is any justice in the world. I feel your emptiness and your utter heartbreak through your words. I have no advice for you, but I hear you and I understand how you are feeling and why. If you want to PM me just to talk, I can't claim to have any answers, but I would be happy to listen. I am thinking of you. 

post #5 of 18

Oh hun, I am so incredibly sorry. :(  I could not imagine the pain and loss you must feel.  I will pray for you.  I am so so sorry.

post #6 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss. Could not read and not reply.... no words to express.

post #7 of 18

i'm so sorry. that's his picture with you? what a cutie! what a loss.

post #8 of 18
So sorry about your sweet baby's passing. I wish there was something more I could say.

post #9 of 18

I am so incredibly sorry sweetie.  There really are no words that I could say that would make it better, is there?  I really wish I could.  Do you have people you can talk to?  Even someone who has been through such a devastating loss?  Such an adorable little guy.  You can see the love between the two of you. <3

post #10 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss.  I can not imagine the pain you have been through.  I don't even know what to say, this is such a tremendous loss.  Sending love to you candle.gif

post #11 of 18

I cannot imagine! Sorry for your loss. Have you considered a bereavment group? I've had two friends lose children and they both found it quite helpful. After my dad passed (right after I had a miscarriage) I went to one for 3 months and it was so good to be with others who were in the same place and have a person there to guide us through the healing process. I found my group through a local hospice facility. The police officer seems like a person who understands how messed up we can get after such a trauma. Nice to have someone checking up on you.  

post #12 of 18
Vincent candle.gif
I'm so, so sorry for the loss of your beautiful boy, Cindy.
My daughter was stillborn at full term and the only thing that really helped was connecting with other parents who'd been there. I see that there is a Rhode Island chapter of the Compassionate Friends - a support group for parents who have lost a child - which is meeting this coming Monday in Providence. Here's a link: http://www.compassionatefriends.org/Find_Support/Chapters/Chapter_Locator.aspx
Please be gentle with yourself. I know why that police officer was so compassionate - it's heartbreaking to see such a devastating loss strike such a beautiful mom and her innocent baby. Thinking of you...
post #13 of 18

I am so sorry for your loss, How heart breaking. You seem like a wonderful mom and he was so surrounded by love, what a lucky little boy. May your  heart heal as time goes by. Is that him in your profile picture? He was beautiful!  Prayers going up for you and your family.

post #14 of 18

I am so, so sorry. hug2.gif

I agree with the advice to find a support group, probably one specifically for parents who've lost children.

I went to see a medium when a good friend died and found it very comforting. Maybe go back if you feel like it....

I wish there was something I could say that would be really useful to you but I think the best I can offer is sending some love your way. Again, I am so sorry. candle.gif

post #15 of 18

thinking of you i am so sorry.

post #16 of 18
My name is Nicole and I too have tragically and suddenly lost my beautiful 2 yr old daughter. I feel everything you feel and am trully sorry for your loss. This is the most devestating thing that could happen to anyone and I want you to know that you have the right to be right where you are right now. Please take one moment at a time because unfortunatlly we have to go through this, I just dont know how. My thoughts are with you.
post #17 of 18

I am so sorry. I can't imagine your pain. I hope you have people in your life to help you and support you. Oh gosh. I'm so sorry. :(

post #18 of 18

Sending lots of love your way, mama. I don't have words.....I wish I could help but all I can do is pray for your healing. I hope you are ok.

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