I have three and a half month old twin boys. They are amazing. But I am struggling. Some days I think my brain would explode if it had time, but it doesn't. I just need a second to vent and I think I'll feel better. Thanks for reading.
-- The boys were born six weeks early so we have that wold adjusted age thing which sucks. Also they have a cousin who is six weeks older than them. You (by that I mean, grandparents and strangers) might think six weeks is not much time but because of adjusted age they are kinda like 12 weeks apart. That's three months, and that's a big deal which is evident in the development of my boys and their cousin. I know you can't compare any babies, but who are we kidding, most of us make the comparisons before we even notice we're doing it.
-- I can't handle any more crying and it makes me feel like a bad mom. I tandem nurse the boys sometimes, and solo other times. It depends on if they are hungry at the same time. But often DS1 will have just gotten done eating, have a clean diaper and be mostly sleepy and I will set him down to feed DS2. This pisses DS1 off for some unknowable reason and he starts screaming. He rarely cries; he's a screamer. His screams sound like he is saying "MaMa" and I feel completely useless and heartbroken because I'm feeding DS2 and can't help him right away. If I stop and pick them both up, neither one is happy because they don't have my full attention. I talked to DH about this and he doesn't get it. He tried to make me feel better but that doesn't change the feeling of being a bad mom when my boys are screaming at me and I can't do anything to stop it without abandoning one for the other.
-- We have so many appointments I can't keep them straight. We have speech therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic, lactation consultant and well baby visits for them. I have chiropractic appointments. I also work half time. I only have three days in the month of October that don't have something on the calendar, and I'll most likely have something before the end of the month for those days. There is no more time.
-- We have so many exercises and treatments I have no time during the day to even think. They each need speech exercises 3-5 times per day, physical therapy 3-5 times a day and I'm supposed to do my chiropractors exercises 2 times per day and physical therapy from a broken ankle last summer a couple times per day. I barely have enough time to simply feed and clothe them let alone get all of these exercises in around appointments and life.
-- Our house is a mess. Not just a mess, but filthy. I can't seem to make the time to clean properly. Or do laundry. DH doesn't notice the dirtiness of our house, so he doesn't get why it bothers me. He also wants me to call my MIL and tell her to come over and clean. That's just not the kind of relationship we have. She also think that everything in the house needs to be cleaned with bleach and I can't breathe around that much bleach.
-- We only manage to grocery shop about once a month and therefore we eat like crap. Also I sometimes do realize what time it is. For example I just noticed it's 2pm and I haven't eaten lunch.
My DH works 50ish hours per week and I work about 20 per week. These are our only kids -- I don't know how you Mama's with older kids plus twins manage. Everyone around me tells me that I'm doing a great job and they can't believe I'm managing so well with two babies. I don't want to admit that it's all an amazing facade. I don't feel like I'm present for so much of my life because I just have to keep moving and getting things done or I'll fall farther behind. I feel like I should see a therapist, but there is no way I can fit another appointment into our lives every week.
DH does help quite a bit, but we are just both so overwhelmed that we don't even seem to have time to talk to each other any more. If either one of us wants to get something done we have to rely on the other to watch the boys. This means we have very little time for each other. We do have a date night set up with my sister where we trade dates and watching each others kids every other week, so that helps.
I hope that I can figure out soon how to manage all of this, and that some of it will become unnecessary (like the PT and ST). Thanks for giving me the space to vent my thought and feelings.