Just need a moment to vent.

[Amanda Leigh]

I have three and a half month old twin boys. They are amazing. But I am struggling. Some days I think my brain would explode if it had time, but it doesn't. I just need a second to vent and I think I'll feel better. Thanks for reading.

--  The boys were born six weeks early so we have that wold adjusted age thing which sucks. Also they have a cousin who is six weeks older than them. You (by that I mean, grandparents and strangers)  might think six weeks is not much time but because of adjusted age they are kinda like 12 weeks apart. That's three months, and that's a big deal which is evident in the development of my boys and their cousin. I know you can't compare any babies, but who are we kidding, most of us make the comparisons before we even notice we're doing it.

-- I can't handle any more crying and it makes me feel like a bad mom. I tandem nurse the boys sometimes, and solo other times. It depends on if they are hungry at the same time. But often DS1 will have just gotten done eating, have a clean diaper and be mostly sleepy and I will set him down to feed DS2. This pisses DS1 off for some unknowable reason and he starts screaming. He rarely cries; he's a screamer. His screams sound like he is saying "MaMa" and I feel completely useless and heartbroken because I'm feeding DS2 and can't help him right away. If I stop and pick them both up, neither one is happy because they don't have my full attention. I talked to DH about this and he doesn't get it. He tried to make me feel better but that doesn't change the feeling of being a bad mom when my boys are screaming at me and I can't do anything to stop it without abandoning one for the other.

-- We have so many appointments I can't keep them straight. We have speech therapy, physical therapy, chiropractic, lactation consultant and well baby visits for them. I have chiropractic appointments. I also work half time. I only have three days in the month of October that don't have something on the calendar, and I'll most likely have something before the end of the month for those days. There is no more time.

-- We have so many exercises and treatments I have no time during the day to even think. They each need speech exercises 3-5 times per day, physical therapy 3-5 times a day and I'm supposed to do my chiropractors exercises 2 times per day and physical therapy from a broken ankle last summer a couple times per day. I barely have enough time to simply feed and clothe them let alone get all of these exercises in around appointments and life.

-- Our house is a mess. Not just a mess, but filthy. I can't seem to make the time to clean properly. Or do laundry. DH doesn't notice the dirtiness of our house, so he doesn't get why it bothers me. He also wants me to call my MIL and tell her to come over and clean. That's just not the kind of relationship we have. She also think that everything in the house needs to be cleaned with bleach and I can't breathe around that much bleach.

-- We only manage to grocery shop about once a month and therefore we eat like crap. Also I sometimes do realize what time it is. For example I just noticed it's 2pm and I haven't eaten lunch.

My DH works 50ish hours per week and I work about 20 per week. These are our only kids -- I don't know how you Mama's with older kids plus twins manage. Everyone around me tells me that I'm doing a great job and they can't believe I'm managing so well with two babies. I don't want to admit that it's all an amazing facade. I don't feel like I'm present for so much of my life because I just have to keep moving and getting things done or I'll fall farther behind. I feel like I should see a therapist, but there is no way I can fit another appointment into our lives every week.

DH does help quite a bit, but we are just both so overwhelmed that we don't even seem to have time to talk to each other any more. If either one of us wants to get something done we have to rely on the other to watch the boys. This means we have very little time for each other. We do have a date night set up with my sister where we trade dates and watching each others kids every other week, so that helps.

I hope that I can figure out soon how to manage all of this, and that some of it will become unnecessary (like the PT and ST). Thanks for giving me the space to vent my thought and feelings.

[Amanda Leigh]

Oh, and we moved into our house less than a month before I was admitted to the hospital in pre-term labor and I don't have a ton of boxes unpacked yet. And my MIL keeps bringing more and more crap over to our house. I don't even have boxes unpacked and she is bringing more boxes! Both my mom and my MIL are the "I know you don't want X, but..." kind of people and it's driving me crazy.

Thanks again for listening to my rant.

[queenofchaos]

I just wanted to give you a hug!  Raising two babes at once is HARD!  I have a set of girls, and one of them is a screamer too.  High pitched and it just goes right through your skull, you think your ears are bleeding! 

There is this enormous amount of guilt because you always feel like someone is getting short changed and not getting needs met.  Or, if you can find a way to meet needs at the same time, then it's not in the best way.  You can't win!  I tandem nurse the girls and that works out wonderfully.  An EZ2Nurse pillow is really esential for this, tho (or something similiar).  My DDs are 15 mths now, but when they were small, if I found myself nursing one and the other wanted me, I would find a position I could hold the other or have her next to me so I could rub her tummy or something, just so she knows I am there.  Often times she would fall asleep.  Only one of the girls would do that tho.  One of the girls is needier and doesn't self-soothe at all.  I know swings and bouncers are not AP, but a bouncer saved us in the early months.  My babes never liked the swing, but I could keep one happy in the bouncer (foot powered), while doing what I needed for the other.  

As far as the screaminess goes, a lot of that could be being too tired and then finding it hard to go to sleep.  There's a book "The No Cry Sleep Solution" that will save your life.  It's amazing what some well timed sleep will do.  I know, how are you going to find time to read it. But it really will help, if you think there's a problem in that area.

I have found that an organizer/calendar thing that I can carry around in my purse helps me a lot.  I get the weekly/monthly sort.  I have zero memory, and it saves me a lot of stress and backtracking. 

You REALLY need to get someone over to help you for at least a few hours a week.  I have 8 kids, and even tho the oldest help a LOT, I still needed help in the first 6 mths or so of the twins birth.  I totally get the bleach sensitivity, but perhaps you could provide the cleaner (hide the bleach) you would like her to use.  Or find someone else.  I know, hard to do when you are pressed for time, but it will help you so much. 

This may not even be doable, but what if you stopped working until the appointments and such started tapering off?  You have so much going on, more margin in your life would help a lot.  And once everyone's health started getting being less in need of dr visits, then you could add work back in. 

 Your life is intense right now, but it sounds like you are doing OK in spite of it all.  Just hang in there! 

[Amanda Leigh]

Thanks for the hugs and advice. It helps just to get it out a little. I do use the EZ2Nurse pillow and it's amazing when they both eat at the same time. When I try to feed both when only one seems hungry I just end up feeding the "not as hungry" boy shortly after because he doesn't eat well if he's not hungry. They are starting to space out feedings to every 2-3 hours from every 1-2 hours so that's getting easier, and hopefully as they learn to eat better they can make it closer to the three hour feedings mark. And the bouncer chair and swing do help sometimes too. I wish they took a pacifier. I know not everyone on MDC supports them, but I wish I had that as a tool to help soothe them when they are so crabby.

I kind of laughed when I read your reply: I have The No Cry Sleep Solution sitting next to my bed right now, but I've only made it through the first chapter! I do need to find the time to read the rest of it. I also really need to get my calendar in order because I'm very visual and if I can see it I might be able to feel more in control of our time.

I know that everyone has their own relationships with in-laws, but are there really people out there who can ask their MIL to clean their toilets? I kind of wish that I could, but it also feels really weird to even think about. My birthday is coming up and I've asked for a gift certificate for a cleaning service, so hopefully that comes through!

I think the best thing would be to stop working, but unfortunately I can't. My DH works for a really small company that doesn't have health insurance available, and my work has really good insurance. We don't qualify for assistance because DH makes just a little too much, but we also don't have enough money to privately pay for insurance. I've cut my hours to the minimum to maintain insurance coverage.

Thanks again for the advice and pep talk. I have a 90 minute massage tonight, so hopefully after that I'll feel better!

[mylilmonkeys]

My girls aren't much older than yours, but I don't know what I would have done if they were early and we had to worry about therapists and all!  You are doing great!!  This is really, really hard.  I totally feel you on the mil thing.  There's no way I could ask mine to clean my house, and we have a pretty good relationship.  Thankfully, my older children have been able to chip in enough that we aren't living in complete and utter filth, but just barely.  They contribute to a lot of the mess, too.  My dh has had to chip in way too much for a guy who works full time and is 3/4 time in college.  He did take summer off class, though.  I don't have any suggestions, but I sure do understand where you're coming from.  Big hugs!

[j.e.n]

oh sweet amanda leigh.

we are kindred spirits. :o) i have twin girls. they were also early - 7 weeks. vent. vent away. i honestly think that only other multiple moms can even remotely understand the struggles, stress and chaos that we experience. "oh, you think YOUR day is crazy with a SINGLETON?!?!" lol!

yes - the adjusted age thing totally blows. i actually have told my DH that i think we should just lie and tell people what their adjusted age is rather than actual because a) as you mentioned, those weeks are actually pretty pivotal and b) people are ignorant. the weeks they miss in the womb evidently don't seem like much to most people. i actually had a care provider tell me how more and more moms-to-be are requesting to deliver at up to 34 weeks!! voluntarily, because they don't want to be pregnant anymore!!

anyway. totally had/have the same feelings, reactions and emotions as you with the feeling guilty and like a bad mom. i have older kids as well and i still have days that i feel like i'm drowning. my oldest DD actually says sometimes "mommy, i wish you didn't have to take care of babies so you could play with me." i almost bawled the first time i heard her say it. it won't feel better right now (because it didn't for me when people said it to me), but it WILL get better as they get older and are able to entertain themselves better, etc. i'm not too much ahead of you either (mine were born mid-may). it is absolute craziness when they are both upset and you can't take care of them like you would if it was one. i find it frustrating as well. you can't easily pack them both in in a wrap/your arms/etc and just go. ugh.

i feel for you about the appointments. we were lucky and do not have any of that. i would guess that some of it will taper off in the coming months? i think it's normal to be overwhelmed about the lack of time. would it make you feel better if i confessed to you that i went several DAYS without bathing?!?! yes, totally repulsive - but with all the kids, nursing, nap times, making food, doing laundry, etc and i work PT as well ... there is no time for anything. do you also get annoyed when people complain to you how "busy" they are? :o) hehe

my house is disgusting too. i have young kids running around eating food getting crumbs all over the floor. i just cleaned my bathroom for the first time in a couple of months. we were in the process of moving before our babes were born - so we are also trying to get our home back to "normal" which just makes it worse. i'm guessing you're a little "type a" about cleaning too?? i'm a 'i can do it myself' kind of gal - so i rarely ask for help. and quite honestly, i'm a little too anal retentive about some things for someone else to do them anyway. i've realized that for many things, you have to really just let go. it helped me to do little projects slowly at a time. the progress is painfully slower than i would prefer but something is better than nothing! i got advice from a mom on here to have low expectations for each day. it totally helped!!

working sucks. i have no words of wisdom there. i feel the same and know that if i didn't have to work A LOT of things would be easier. but, like you, it isn't an option. my DH and i feel the EXACT same way as you do. we work opposite shifts and barely can have a conversation without someone interrupting, a fight breaking out, a baby screaming or one of us needing to take care of something that we need to do.

it helps me to try to find the humor in it. this does NOT always help ... but it can at times. it won't always be this way - and one day we will look back on what we have accomplished with such a sense of pride and accomplishment. i already do now. moms of multiples are a-frickin-mazing. having more than one babe at a time is INSANE!! :o)

we can commiserate together. keep your head up. you're doing a great job. if you were not experiencing any challenges and loving every second of it ... something would be wrong with you ... and i would despise you. :o) just kidding! can you tell i have the same issues?? holy novel i just wrote to you!!

;-)

hugs!

[ShanaV]

The first 6 months of twin mom life is awful, just awful. NICU, preemies, nursing, putting to sleep, it's all too much. It's so hard when you're in it, but I promise, it DOES get better. Hugs.

[rinap]

Go ahead and tell people the adjusted age.

"How old are they?"

"Two months adjusted."

It's true, and it will help set expectations. You don't have to explain.

But mostly I just want to say oh dear, that must be really hard. I can't imagine dealing with all that therapy. Remember to breathe. I get totally overwhelmed by this too.

[Amanda Leigh]

Thanks for all the support everyone; It really does help!

[lesliesara63]

*Hugs* Mama to three little screamers here. Non stop guilt over only half settling one in order to go to whoever is the loudest. This is so not cute! Mine were 7 wks early and we don't have nearly that many appointments. I'm surprised they are starting speech and pt so early. I thought they waited until a bit older to see if they were hitting milestones first. Hang in there, its got to get better right?