8 y/o won't get out of bed in morning

[towsonmama]

My 8 yo dd is having some rough mornings lately. My dh and I both work full time so our children go to a before-school childcare program. He drops them off at 7:30. I have to be at work earlier than dh and get home earlier in the afternoon, so he handles morning duties and I cover afternoon duties. My oldest dd (I also have a 6 yo dd and 5 yo ds) will not get out of bed without many direct prompts. Unfortunately, this usually escalates in tension, often to the point of yelling, on both my dh's and dd's sides. He stated this morning that he's concerned about the negative impact these morning interactions are having on his overall relationship with dd.

Any suggestions to help get her moving? We're pretty rushed in the morning and would like her to be as independent as possible. But, obviously, we need to do something so everyone gets off to a good start.

[Nickarolaberry]

Hi mama!

Some thoughts:

• Is she getting enough sleep (going to bed too late)? The days are starting to get shorter and the increased darkness can wreak havoc on anyone's system. Getting up when it's dark out is tough on the body. Perhaps one of those alarm clocks that mimics sunrise might help her circadian rhythm adjust? Also if you can make sure her room is relatively warm even first thing in the morning, it might help ease her way out of bed.
• It may be that she needs a bit more time individually with one or both parents, and this is a (admittedly negative, but still effective) way to get attention. You can make it kind of a trade-off/(ugh hate this word but still) reward system: getting out of bed on time and getting ready in the morning = 10 extra minutes of private cuddle/one on one shopping, reading, whatever time later on. You can do this in increments (for each stage of getting up and ready) or as a whole; you can do this daily (which might work better in the short term) or make it a longer term reward (a whole week of doing this equals more time on the weekend, etc.).
• Similarly, a 'marble jar' or something might help...if she is amenable. These can be seen as bribes or they can be seen as a joint project that you're working on together. Is there something she really wants to do/experience? Put a marble in the jar each time she gets up on time, then gets dressed independently, etc. When the jar is full (use a small jar) she gets to pick the reward (trip to the bookstore, going to the climbing gym just her and mom, whatever).

I have found with dd1 (just turned 11) and dd2 (just turned 8) that the 8 year old year is a transition and it's difficult. They are starting to 'tween' and discovering they don't want to be little girls all the time but still do sometimes; they want to be seen and treated as 'big' but don't want the responsibility; they are experimenting with how much disrespect (verbal independence) they have and the consequences; they are encountering new social dynamics at school. It is a very challenging period and will manifest with behavior issues at home, especially because that is their 'safe' realm to be totally impossible and their mommies and daddies will still love them. 

Hope some of this might help a little. 

[Geofizz]

Hi Towson!

How much earlier is she getting up during the week than on the weekend?  If it's a lot earlier, it might be necessary to shift the schedule earlier - earlier to bed, etc.  If it's not that much earlier, it might be worthwhile to see if there's something about her school day she's avoiding.

In our house, we have an agreement on how you are allowed to treat each other (respectful words and tones) but it's ok to say you are upset by the situation.  We've come to an agreement with DD that because she needs more time to wake up, I wake her up earlier than the amount of time she really needs on days she sleeps late.

Besides that, I hope others have good suggestions.  We're a morning family in the geofizz house, so our main problems are what to do when the kid wakes up for the day at 4:20 am.

[ChitownTracy]

I'm not sure if this would jive with your family philosophy...we subscribe to the some of the Love & Logic parenting (Jim Fey)

Children receive great benefits from boundaries & learning time management.  L&L suggests- setting an exit time & letting the child know- that no matter what state they are in by 8am (for instance) that we are leaving...(even if they are in PJS) L&L suggests- giving the teacher's a heads up.

The big thing with Love & Logic- is just that love & Logic- so no yelling,NO NAGGING,  no power struggles, no nasty morning tantrums (from the parents) it's simple discussed the night before & not brought up during the conflict.  It is a bit of sink or fail...but the book describes how to talk to your child about how their choices affect the family.  It's not all about the parent, BUT it's not all about the child.  We (as adults) have to learn time management in order to succeed...& it is very important to teach children...

I would implement a L&L plan at the same time of adjusting bed time earlier.

I also think to help aid in developing healthy morning routines AND concepts of time management-  kids should have their own alarm clocks...

[Imakcerka]

We've been through this.  I mean I was dressing her in bed.  Shoes and all.  Then brushing her hair and begging for her to get up in my mean mommy voice.  We decided that she just needed more sleep.  Crazy as it sounds she's been going to bed between 7:30 and 8.  I do give her 1 mg of melatonin and it's helped her fall asleep without much help.  Last night she hadn't even taken the melatonin and she was showered and ready for sleep at 7:30 tapping her foot like come folks I need my story.  She's going on 9 and so far changing her sleep has made mornings heavenly.  She gets up when the alarm goes off and meets me in the front room to get dressed, hair done, shoes on and to chow down on breakfast. 

[1jooj]

My 7.5yo dd has recently been adjusting to a 6:35 bus pickup, so I can relate.

In the short term, she's been sleeping with me (dh has been gone on business so there's room in my bed). I've been getting her into bed by 8:00, sleeping by 8:30, and I wake her with a cup of cafe au lait waiting. I've been trying to eliminate sleep disturbances (cats bothering us, temperature issues, darkness). In our case, we now have an extremely loud call to prayer around 5AM and it doesn't wake her, so I know she's really, really still tired. If I could get her into bed by 7:30, I would, but 8:00 is already hard.

Still, we do homework right away when the kids get home (after a small snack) and eat dinner 5:00-5:30 usually. When dh travels, I can keep a tighter routine and it works. I try to have bags packed up right after homework, lunches waiting, and thankfully, they are wearing uniforms, so they only need to know whether it's a PE day.

Could the AM be overwhelming her, or is everything done ahead, and it remains only to rise, eat, dress and go? Keeping my dd's AM list short helps her do what she needs to do. She has asked me to wake her earlier, but I'm finding that a just-right amount of time (35 minutes), combined with a just-right list (rise, eat, teeth/face/hair, dress, shoes, bus) reduces the possibility of losing it before the bus comes. Then, she can zone on the 40-minute ride and let the coffee do its magic.

[kerc]

I have one early riser and one night owl. Here's what we've done to streamline the morning (and help on the days my night owl dh runs the show).

basket of clothes picked out the night before. Literally clothes in the basket. shirt, pants, socks, hair accessories, etc.

In the morning, I wake up, turn on the hall light and open their door. (brush my teeth, check my email, la la la). (that gives my slow riser time to slowly wake up)

I go in, put my hand on dd1's back and tell her five minutes, let my other kid sleep if she's still asleep or greet her if me walking in there wakes her.

Five minutes later (or after I get the coffee going and the dishwasher emptied), I go in and tell both girls time to get up.

They get dressed, go to the bathroom and have a goal of not returning to their room before leaving for school.

Come down, have breakfast. I offer one choice (which kind of cereal do you want), unless they are downstairs early. We brush hair in the dining room and brush teeth in the kitchen (we only have bathrooms in the basement and 2nd floor). Backpacks are kept in a backpack box, right next to school shoe spot. I am responsible for putting lunches into backpacks, but they do everything else.

If all that is done and you have extra time, you may read with your shoes, coat and backpack on.

Few other thoughts:

* How would an alarm clock be received? Not as the be-all, end-all to getting out of bed but rather as a put the task of waking on some(thing) other than dh?

* Allow more time for waking might be helpful. I'm a set the alarm and never snooze more than one time kinda girl. Dh sets his alarm with 15 minutes of snoozing built in. Otherwise the first 15 minutes on his feet are just like snoozing in bed (hand soap on his toothbrush, socks on inside out, etc.).

* Family discussion got us where we are right now. Erin suggested the basket for clothes -- if one girl wakes early and wants to they can carry their basket elsewhere to get dressed (leah's suggestion). Erin prefers to get dressed in teh dark and then face the world.

* Second grade was really hard for us in terms of balancing getting up and being ready to face the day. Third grade is smoother (knock on wood). I don't know what's different? We are making a hard effort for exercise after school and quiet reading time from 7-8, 8 being lights out.

[towsonmama]

Thanks, everyone! There's a lot of great advice here, so I'm going to take some time to digest it. Initial thoughts: she's currently going to bed at 8, but staying up reading until almost 9. I'm thinking that's too late. She picks out her clothes the night before and we use the gentle "door opening/let the ambient noise of the house rising" approach to wake her. I think she might respond really well to an alarm clock. I also like the reward system. She loves being read to and this is something we could do more often. Maybe an easy morning earns a chapter in the book of her choice?
 

geo~4:20?!? I might just die.

jo~Can you come back to the states and be my morning wake-up person?

[LynnS6]

Have you asked your dd what would make mornings easier? Our dd was having a really hard time last year getting out of bed for school at 7:15 (she was 6, nearly 7 at the time). We tried lots of things, but finally in desperation said "This morning thing really isn't working, what would make mornings easier?" "Snuggling with momma for a few minutes before I get up," was her answer. So, dh wakes her up at 7:15. She and I snuggle for 5-10 minutes.

While it hasn't made mornings conflict free, it has made them a lot better. Dh only yells at her about once a week, instead of every morning. He does the AM routine, bless the man, because I am so not a morning person. The reason dd can snuggle with me is that I'm hardly ever up at 7:15. 4:20 is not morning, it's the middle of the night.

[1jooj]

towson, I hope to soon(ish) be moving back. There might well be room in the house, and I've always been good for at least a latte for guests. 

[One_Girl]

How well does she know the morning routine?  My dd and I have a routine we have stayed with since she was 2 so she knows it well enough that I am fine waking her up letting her do the routine.  If the routine is complicated then simplifying it to dressing, eating, brushing teeth and hair, then getting out the door may help a lot.  My dd has gone through brief stages of telling me she isn't getting up and I typically tell her that is fine but that she might feel hungry if she misses breakfast and embarrassed if I have to carry her to the car and make her go to school in her pajamas.  I leave it at that and leave the room.  So far she has always believed that I can and will make her go to school in her pajamas so she gets up after a few minutes of mulling it over.  I find that when we are in a cycle of negative interactions it helps to cut back on how much I nag, ignoring the "I won't" statements, and looking carefully for a lot of opportunities to be genuinely cheerful and positive with my dd.