Dealing with parents « Back to Group Discussions

[KM84]

I know some of us have been running into parent problems... so I'm carving out a little space to vent. 

My parents are really excited about our pregnancy, and I generally have a good relationship with them. But this weekend, they crossed a line and I've been fuming ever since.

My in-laws invited my parents up to their beach house for the weekend for a family get-together. We also had a friend staying with us at the beach house. Our family knows about the pregnancy but our friend did not.

Morning sickness has hit me pretty hard, so I spent a lot of the trip resting and occasionally throwing up. All weekend long my parents were nagging both my husband and myself about how it "wasn't fair" that our friend didn't know why I was sick, and that he was the only one who didn't know about the pregnancy. All weekend they badgered us to tell him.

In addition to being our friend, he's also my husband's business partner. So my husband wanted to find a good time to talk to him about our growing family, and how it would affect his role at work, and one didn't really come up during the trip.

Shortly after the trip my husband did tell his friend, who said he hadn't been suspicious at all - until my parents started dropping hints. It turns out, all weekend long my parents were hinting to him, even so far as my dad saying "so, do you know yet why Kelly is going to the bathroom so much?" while they were waiting for me to return to the bathroom.

I'm livid. I feel like my parents have intruded on something that is between myself, my husband, and our friend. It's upsetting to think that my parents would interfere and tell a friend of ours, even through hinting, when it's someone we very much need to tell personally. It's not like they just slipped and forgot - they knew we hadn't told him and were deliberately trying to interfere.

I need to talk to my parents about it, but only after I cool off some. Right now I'm so mad that every time I start to think about it I get worked up.

So, anyone else's parents driving them batty?

[katroshka]

My mom is always driving me batty! I love her and have a good relationship with her, but yeah, she drives me nuts.

I told her almost right away that I was pregnant, actually a couple of days before we told our older kids, just because we were out to lunch and it seemed like a good time. I told her it was a secret and not tell anyone.

About a week and a half later we went out for DD2's birthday, with my mom and my dad and stepmom. My dad and stepmom had just gotten back in town so I was planning on telling them that night since I like to tell in person. We were at a Mexican restaurant and my dad started asking everyone if we should get a pitcher of margaritas, and my mom is like, "Well I know YOU don't want any!" I had to give her the stink eye. She said something else, too, but I can't remember now what it was. Luckily my stepmom hadn't gotten to the restaurant yet, and my dad likes to pretend like he doesn't hear anything my mom says, so nothing really happened and we told them later in the dinner. But then my mom was like, "Oh, she just doesn't want to have to work!" and my stepmom was like, "She doesn't want to go back to school!" Yeah, hahahaha. One of the big reasons I am having my kids so close together is so that I can minimize my baby/ toddler years and get back to school and eventually work as quickly as possible. And it's just rude either way.

But then to top all that off, I wake up the next morning, go on facebook, and my aunt (mom's sister) had commented on my post asking if anyone wanted a stroller and pack n play that I never use, "Don't you need those for the next one? Congratulations!" Luckily it was pretty early and I don't think anybody had seen it, so I deleted it and sent her a message explaining that we weren't "facebook public" yet. None of DH's siblings or friends know yet and I am friends with all of them! I was super pissed. And my mom was like, "Oh, I thought I just had to keep it secret from the girls but then you had already told them so I thought it was ok." I had been very clear about not telling people, and especially keeping it off facebook, which the girls aren't on so obviously I wasn't just talking about them!!!


I totally agree with you that your parents were WAY out of line, and that would totally piss me off, too. That being said, I've kind of decided that it's not worth getting too upset with my parents or trying to hash stuff out with them because I feel like they are not going to change and I just accept their foibles. Your parents may be more worthwhile talking to, though- mine are stubborn as mules, just like me!

[KM84]

Oh I feel you on the Facebook stuff. One of the reasons we've been so selective in telling people is I'm really not ready for Facebook to know... I think some people just don't think about how public Facebook is.
 

Originally Posted by katroshka 

I totally agree with you that your parents were WAY out of line, and that would totally piss me off, too. That being said, I've kind of decided that it's not worth getting too upset with my parents or trying to hash stuff out with them because I feel like they are not going to change and I just accept their foibles. Your parents may be more worthwhile talking to, though- mine are stubborn as mules, just like me!

Mine are pretty set in their ways as well, which is another reason I'm not dying to call them up and address it. My dad in particular knows how to push my buttons like no one else. I think I'm just going to let it be unless they bring it up (i.e. "So did you ever tell your friend??!?!") or there's a situation where I'm afraid it might happen again. That's what my husband is most concerned about.

[Just1More]

How frustrating.

My experience with similar frustrations has been that people who act like that loose their priviledge to know whatever my secret is until it's safe to tell them.  When my husband was a Marine, we would tell a few select things to a few select people, and tell them they must not say anything to anyone, or only in a certain format, or until such date or whatever.  Totally couldn't trust them.  We started telling them, "Oh, he'll be home tomorrow!"  Instead of the 2 weeks I knew beforehand.  We just couldn't trust them to keep troop movements quiet, so we just didn't tell them.  Sad not to be able to share the excitement?  Yep.  But, not worth the risk.  We never brought it up to them either, just mentally moved them over to "big mouth status" and acted accordingly.

[katroshka]

KM84- yeah, if this situation is likely to arise again it's definitely worth saying something. They may never get why their behaviour bothered you, but they may at least decide not to piss you off again!

[forestmushroom]

All I can say is set *firm* boundaries now.  Be very clear that this is your baby--you pregnancy-- and they have no right to act like that.  Setting clear boundaries now will go along way in the future when baby is born because believe me, the boundaries thing is much harder when baby is here.  Grandparents, while well-meaning can do horrible things against the wishes of parents and really cause a lot of tension.  

One friend of mine was really shocked when her first was born and was emotional and maybe had some PPD, as well as just extreme exhaustion from not sleeping.  Her MIL said something like, "Well, if you are nursing the baby how will [her son] ever get a chance to feed him?"  She stopped nursing and switched to formula.

Rash, I know, but really, grandparents have a right to have relationships with their grandchildren, but you are the parent.  Period.  This is a very clear case of them not respecting your wishes/boundaries, and baby isn't even born.

[forestmushroom]

Originally Posted by Just1More 

How frustrating.

My experience with similar frustrations has been that people who act like that loose their priviledge to know whatever my secret is until it's safe to tell them.  When my husband was a Marine, we would tell a few select things to a few select people, and tell them they must not say anything to anyone, or only in a certain format, or until such date or whatever.  Totally couldn't trust them.  We started telling them, "Oh, he'll be home tomorrow!"  Instead of the 2 weeks I knew beforehand.  We just couldn't trust them to keep troop movements quiet, so we just didn't tell them.  Sad not to be able to share the excitement?  Yep.  But, not worth the risk.  We never brought it up to them either, just mentally moved them over to "big mouth status" and acted accordingly.

this is basically what I have done with my parents because they are firmly in the big mouth camp!  Sad, but I had to to survive!

[RenoKirbyButtrs]

My parents really surprised me with the facebook stuff. I told my mom right away, like within hours, because she knew I was trying, and (long story short) I knew I would be telling friends that day. She acted really worried and shocked. I told her early on that our family could know. Others in our family have had miscarriages before, so I thought it might be wise in case I needed a support system. When I went out to dinner with my parents, they were saying things like "well, don't worry, we'll support you." I was like, uhh, I wasn't worried. Should I have been? I'm almost 30, have my masters and a good job, own a house and have been married 5 years. It's not like I'm living in their basement. Anyway (whew). My mom asked me about 50 times before telling my grandmother. Then, in my mom's presence, I told my grandma on the phone that I was OK with her telling the family. Mind you this is right after the ultrasound and the first time I'd seen my mom actually excited. The NEXT DAY, my mom posted something on facebook about how she would try to keep everyone "up to date" on our "baby news!" I felt like that was totally inappropriate. Even more inappropriate was what my dad did --- posted on my wall a photo of a baby with text saying "I don't always drink milk, but when I do, I drink Dos Boobies." Lame at best, but completely weird coming from my dad and not something I want on my profile EVER as an elementary school teacher. I actually had to write them an email and explain that when you are not 60 years old, your facebook friends can include hundreds of people you barely talk to, not to mention every time the privacy settings change then the whole world can see your profile. I knew they thought I was being a...you know, sounds like witch. But that's their reaction every time I get upset with them. They just seemed to think they got to choose when my news was OK to share and with whom. I think I still feel like I have to prove ownership of my own life to them again and again. 

Does it ever end? I really need to internalize this so I don't inflict the same BS on this little one. Hugs to all of you dealing with the nonsense.

[forestmushroom]

Seriously, boundaries boundaries, boundaries.  Even if you have been married for 15 years and think you have those all established, when baby is born many grandparents think it is an invitation to just barge in in all sorts of ways. 

Another one of my friends has problems with telling her parents not to do things, and the parents just ignore it. Like, food sharing.  I hate food sharing since it can introduce bacteria into baby's/toddler's mouth and cause cavities.  Well, her parents are always sharing bites of food with her daughter and she keeps repeating herself over. and over.  They still don't get it.  She just has to keep her toddler away from them whenever they're eating. 

[Mama2Rio]

i decided to tell my parents last night, about 2 wks earlier than what i was planning. i made it clear that i was not telling any one else for at least a few more weeks. hope they keep it quiet for now. i don't have my mother on facebook because i just can't stand her on fb and find her obnoxious in terms of social websites goes (that's a whole story in it self). i got the "so did you see a doctor yet?" my response was "well, i have a MW appointment on Tuesday." and then it started. my father's in the background yelling about how i better go the the hospital and what is wrong with me. some how i find myself thinking about how happy i am to live on the other side of the country. i'm not looking to them for support and won't be discussing the care i'm receiving . then it came down to my mother saying "i hope you're not still breastfeeding R!" i was irked and i am still bfing her so i was "yes. she's only nursing 1-3 times a day now." and my mother "you need to stop. it's going to take too much out of you. she's getting too big to keep going." ugh... it's not their business. depending on my mood i'm either really direct or i am just really wishy-washy and will play 20 questions to their one. i seriously hope i don't end up doing this to my own kids when they grow up! i'm sure i'll drive them crazy some how, but i hope i can show more support in their choices.

[sweetest77]

I've only told a few people and I pretty much trust that my secret is safe at the moment.  I had a MC in June and my mom "accidentally" told my brother that I was PG a few weeks before it happened.  I was a bit peeved, partially because I trusted her but also because my brother and I have a strained relationship and I really wanted to tell him myself when the time was right.  

Anyway, fast forward to this pregnancy and I told my mom again right away... now I'm sort of wishing I hadn't.  Every time I talk to her she asks me when my next Dr. appt. is (Oct. 27th, same as the last 20 times you asked!) after my ultrasound at around 7 weeks she thought I was going to tell everyone and I said probably after my next appt.  First of all I was shocked that she thought I would share my news at 7 weeks when I had just lost a baby at 8 weeks (and I had told very few people about it).  The last time we talked I told her I was thinking about waiting until after my first trimester (I'm actually thinking about doing a Thanksgiving announcement around 14 1/2 weeks, but I didn't tell her that).  She seemed surprised and mentioned how it is so hard keeping a secret, blah, blah, blah.

I find it so insensitive.  I'm still traumatized after my MC and it really hurts that she doesn't understand that.  I'm walking around every day with a baby in my belly (and worried constantly that something will go wrong) and I'm managing not to say anything so I think she can handle it.  Ugh!!!

[forestmushroom]

Originally Posted by sweetest77 

I've only told a few people and I pretty much trust that my secret is safe at the moment.  I had a MC in June and my mom "accidentally" told my brother that I was PG a few weeks before it happened.  I was a bit peeved, partially because I trusted her but also because my brother and I have a strained relationship and I really wanted to tell him myself when the time was right.  

Anyway, fast forward to this pregnancy and I told my mom again right away... now I'm sort of wishing I hadn't.  Every time I talk to her she asks me when my next Dr. appt. is (Oct. 27th, same as the last 20 times you asked!) after my ultrasound at around 7 weeks she thought I was going to tell everyone and I said probably after my next appt.  First of all I was shocked that she thought I would share my news at 7 weeks when I had just lost a baby at 8 weeks (and I had told very few people about it).  The last time we talked I told her I was thinking about waiting until after my first trimester (I'm actually thinking about doing a Thanksgiving announcement around 14 1/2 weeks, but I didn't tell her that).  She seemed surprised and mentioned how it is so hard keeping a secret, blah, blah, blah.

I find it so insensitive.  I'm still traumatized after my MC and it really hurts that she doesn't understand that.  I'm walking around every day with a baby in my belly (and worried constantly that something will go wrong) and I'm managing not to say anything so I think she can handle it.  Ugh!!!

((hugs)) mama.  I totally know how that is.  I hope when I am a mother of adult children I do a better job of respecting them as independent individuals then my parents have with me and my siblings!