I need to find some patience today (vent)

[jewelsJZ]

I really need some help. It's a rainy day and my kids are fighting non-stop. They fight on sunny days, too. They fight all the time but we can't get out today because of the weather. We homeschool. My 7 year old- truly, I'm going to lose my mind with that child. He dissolves into fits of frustration over every little thing. He was bending cardboard for a craft, I was helping him, he starts screaming "this is stupid" and throwing it, after he asked to do the craft, after we talked for the zillionth time before we started about what he could do if he got frustrated with it.  I sent him out of the room to take a break and come back when he felt composed. He did but then...

Then it was on to piano practice. Again, totally his idea to take lessons and he is good at it, but one little missed note and he is screaming and banging on the piano and calling it stupid. I am so tired of this same thing day after day. I have responded to him calmly over and over again and I just can't keep this up, sometimes.

Then my 3 and 5 year olds have decided to spend the day hitting each other and calling each other "stupid". Not a word I use myself, nor does my husband, but my 7 year old has had a 4 year love affair with this word and so now they all say it. I keep thinking to myself, there are families on this planet whose kids do not fight all day. Why don't I have one of those? I feel like so much of my energy goes into trying to help them get along and it is all for nothing. Same with the 7 year old and his completely non-existent frustration tolerance. We've been working on this for years. He's been to therapy. We've been to therapy. We've done rewards and stickers. We've ignored it. We've taken away privileges. We've just let him do his thing and find his own way but honestly, it is like living in a minefield with one explosion after another and I just cannot. take. it. any. more.

Putting this in special needs because he certainly is not your average kid but doesn't have a formal diagnosis beyond mild sensory stuff. 

Now I feel bad because I yelled at the 5 and 3 year olds and sent them to their rooms to play separately, told the 7 year old to finish the rest of his school work on his own, I'm not sitting there with him so he can scream and yell all he wants. Now the 3 year old is upstairs yelling at me that I am stupid. Great.

I need strategies here, mommas. Please give me some suggestions.

[momof3tobe]

I think separating them is a good idea. My boys are 5 & 6 and they get along well now but last year it was like WWIII here everyday. I got so sick of it! So I started sending one upstairs and making the other stay downstairs the minute they started raising their voices or hitting. No discussion, no trying to work it out, I would just state "separate NOW!" and they would scramble. I made them stay that way for a good while - like 1/2 hour- and most of the time they would find something to do by themselves while being separated and then just continue that. Now a days they get along much better- I think it's because they don't feel like they always have to be playing together- they can go off and do their own thing for a while, too, and not always be in each other's faces.

[journeymom]

Does your son get enough physical activity?  All kids need it, some need it even more.  With both my kids it's really apparent the before and after some challenging activity. Before, they're bored and peevish. After, they're up, energized, more cheerful and tolerant.

Also, they benefit from getting the heck away from each other, daily.  My son does taekwondo a couple of days a week, which satisfies both needs: physical activity and separation. 

Take a look at Siblings Without Rivalry by Faber and Mazlish.

You also might cross post this in the Homeschool forum.  I imagine the mamas there might have practical, concrete advice.  Your son may have special needs, but this particular issue is pretty typical of sibling rivalry and just plain squirrliness.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

Depending on where you are and what your resources are, I would definitely try for a physical activity, even if it needs to be inside.  Here we have several indoor gyms that take kids of various ages for structured and non-structured activities, plus several indoor play areas that are filled with all the bounce-house type things a kid could want and they offer "free play" for an hour or two each day.  Of course, neither of those are free and I imagine in you are not near an urban area there might not be such options.  I've always found that on days where everyone is fighting, getting out of the house and somewhere they can run is a life-saver for everyone.

On a more regular basis, do they have some sort of physical activity regularly?  Not just run around the park, but something with some structure?  Gymnastics, martial arts, something like that?  Given the age differences and that there are 3, I would probably stay away from a competitive team sort of thing just for practicality's sake.  I know that for my son, martial arts was a great channel for lots of his "I want to play aggressively" feelings.

I think separating is really the only option when things gotten beyond the sniping at each other stage.  Or even at that point, depending on how well you deal with it.  For us that was never a formal "go to your room" sort of deal, but more like "Find something separate to do for the next 30 minutes" or whatever.  I didn't care where or what (well, within reason), just that they each chose somewhere different to do it.  And for fairness' sake, they knew that TV and computer were off limits at that point, since there was only 1 of each of those options.

And if you know of families who's say the siblings NEVER fight, I wouldn't believe them!

[SeekingBalance]

Hi there,

I'm not sure what your son's other behavioural characteristics are - but this is very similar to my 7 year old who has ADHD. That is a very classic impulse control symptom. As soon as they feel a minor irritation it quickly escalates to frustration to fury... in the blink of an eye.  We've made significant progress in this regard since June when we started treating his ADHD. I'm sure your DS can tell you verbatim what he's supposed to do when he's frustrated - but it is very hard for some children to put those plans into action when faced with a frustration coupled within their own lack of impulse control. Something to consider.

[Emmeline II]

Originally Posted by SeekingBalance 

Hi there,

I'm not sure what your son's other behavioural characteristics are - but this is very similar to my 7 year old who has ADHD. That is a very classic impulse control symptom. As soon as they feel a minor irritation it quickly escalates to frustration to fury... in the blink of an eye.  We've made significant progress in this regard since June when we started treating his ADHD. I'm sure your DS can tell you verbatim what he's supposed to do when he's frustrated - but it is very hard for some children to put those plans into action when faced with a frustration coupled within their own lack of impulse control. Something to consider.