Purging

[chiromamma]

So I finally put some pieces together and figured out my 16yo DD is purging.

This afternoon, after much internet research, I gently but directly asked her if she was doing it.

She said she was.

She also said she'd stop. She doesn't want to discuss it further and pointed out that if I hired any "fucking touchy-feeley therapist" there was no way she'd talk to them.

Thoughts?

I'm particularly interested in hearing from mamas who  purged as teens and recovered. What do you wish your mom had known/done?

I never purged or starved myself.

My  numbing activity  of choice was drugs and alcohol. That I could deal with.

I have no personal experience with this.

[insidevoice]

I guess my solution would be to find a therapist who isn't touchy-feely and go with that.  This is a problem she needs a therapist to help her with. 

My mom didn't know I was that ill as a teen, but I was pretty much out of the house by that age, so there's really no way she could have known.  

It took a really amazing therapist who was willing to essentially tell me how stupid I was being to work through it.  Touchy feely wouldn't have worked.  Direct and to the point did. 

[34me]

I have a son with an eating disorder.  Touchy feely won't work for him either.  I would ask everyone you know for recommendations. 

[rainbow_mandala]

Eating disorders are difficult because to get to the root of the matter can often take awhile, especially if the person isn't very willing to give up control.  I was anorexic as a teenager and therapy didn't help me.  It took several years for me to be willing to ask for help.  Hopefully your daughter isn't as bad off as I was.  Maybe ask her what she's open to at this point.  Also, she says she will stop--how much do you trust her word?  

[chiromamma]

Thank you.

Of course I want to trust her word that she'll stop. She said she just experimented with it. I'm just not sure. We have a family friend who works with teens. He knows DD well. I've asked him for a referral. 

I feel responsible. I have seen signs of her having an unhealthy relationship with food for a while. I just thought that by modeling healthy habits, not getting in her face, things would work themselves out.

They haven't.

[Imakcerka]

It's kind of hard to just stop.  And you'll say anything to get people off your back about it.  I was anorexic and moved to purging because I found it easier to hide.  I said I stopped lots of times to ease my moms fears.  For me it was all about control.  I could control that.  Or atleast I thought I could.  I still fall into my anorexic ways but I know I couldn't get away with purging in my house.  It's a habit... an addiction. 

[rainbow_mandala]

Yeah, like lmakcerka says--it's an addiction.  It starts off relatively innocently, they just want to try it and see what it's like, but it often spirals into something they *must* do.  This is why I asked if you trusted her word or not...not because I'm suggesting your daughter is a liar, but to help you gauge how far down the rabbit hole she's gone.  It sounds like you don't really know, which is understandable.  I wish it was as simple as modeling healthy habits, but because it takes the form of an addiction, this simply isn't enough.  If you think she'll go to a therapist then it doesn't hurt to try.  I wish I had better advice for helping her, but it's really about what she's open to at this point in time.  If she's willing to change then she'll be happy to get the help she needs, or at least she'll be open to it.

[justclaire]

You're so right. It's a control issue. I "dabbled" in eating disorders as a teen, but it didn't become serious until I was in my mid-twenties. For me, I turned to anorexia as a means to exert control over the only area of my life that I felt I could. When everything around me was falling apart, I would console myself by starving myself. It sounds illogical, but it is a very powerful feeling.

Eating disorders are a lot like alcoholism -- once you have them, you have them forever. You can be a "recovering alcoholic" or a "recovering anorexic/bulimic" but that disease is always there, and is a constant battle. I really feel for you and your daughter -- when I was going through this, unfortunately there was nothing that anyone could have said or done that would have made me stop. It was a decision I made, when I woke up one morning and realized that I could see my internal organs, and that that wasn't attractive. 

One thing that might help, especially if this hasn't turned into a full-on addiction yet (it usually doesn't -- just like people who start drinking aren't immediately alcoholics), is to expose her to some of the dangerous and ugly truths of ana/mia; the un-glamorous stuff that they don't tell you about until it's too late. The part where your body is so starved for nutrients that your hair starts falling out. Or the fact that your hormones will become unbalanced and you start growing hair on your face. Or that throwing up that many times will start making your teeth rot and fall out. 

I hate to sound ugly about this, but this is really an ugly, ugly disease, and I hope you can help her see that there are healthier options. My heart goes out to both of you. 
 

Originally Posted by Imakcerka 

It's kind of hard to just stop.  And you'll say anything to get people off your back about it.  I was anorexic and moved to purging because I found it easier to hide.  I said I stopped lots of times to ease my moms fears.  For me it was all about control.  I could control that.  Or atleast I thought I could.  I still fall into my anorexic ways but I know I couldn't get away with purging in my house.  It's a habit... an addiction. 

[rainbow_mandala]

Originally Posted by justclaire 

One thing that might help, especially if this hasn't turned into a full-on addiction yet (it usually doesn't -- just like people who start drinking aren't immediately alcoholics),

Well, yes and no.  If someone is predisposed to an addiction like alcoholism, whether there's a family history or they're genetically predisposed or what have you, even just in the beginning stages they are likely to have a difficult time with letting it go.  Just like with anorexia, I've seen both with myself and others, as soon as you start dabbling in it, it's very easy for you to keep going down the rabbit hole, especially if there's a predisposition.  Someone with a deep need to be in control, for example, are more likely to keep going down that path and not be able to stop.  So even if it's not a full-fledged addiction, even experimenting with it can be dangerous psychologically and be difficult for someone to stop completely.  She might stop for awhile but if something were to trigger her that might be one of the first things she does to help her cope.  Like if she has body image issues and someone makes a comment about how she looks.  Sometimes that's all it takes to start back up again or for it to become a full-fledged addiction.  

What she needs is to figure out the root cause of what's driving her to use this as a coping mechanism and then figure out healthier ways to cope with whatever is plaguing her.  Easier said than done, though, but a good therapist that she trusts (and who isn't too touchy-feely in her case) will be able to help.

[justclaire]

Originally Posted by rainbow_mandala 

Well, yes and no.  If someone is predisposed to an addiction like alcoholism, whether there's a family history or they're genetically predisposed or what have you, even just in the beginning stages they are likely to have a difficult time with letting it go.  

You're right -- I was speaking from my own experiences; obviously there may be other circumstances at play in this case. 

[chiromamma]

Thank you again. 

It looks like we found her some help that she will likely accept. Someone she's worked with before who is so far from touchy-feely. 

Fortunately, she left on a school trip just a few hours after we spoke. It's given me time to process my feelings and I'm sure taken some of the charge off of it for her.

I don't know how ingrained the habit is...I've seen what I finally realized were indicators of purging probably since the beginning of school. She returns Wednesday. I am going to insist she at least see this person on Thursday.

Thank you again for the open discussion. I'll keep you all posted.