OK, now I'm pissed!

[sren]

AAAAHH!   I just got called out by two friends in my life who feel that I haven't been available enough/in the right way for them recently.  I was able to give an "I hear you"-type response and repeat that the last 5 months since the kids and I separated from STBX have been really difficult. 

But inside I am seething.  No one in my life seems to have any idea what I am going through!  I have gone from a homeschooling SAHM to a financially unstable homeschooling single mom trying to go back to school trying to recover from DV who hasn't had a break in 5 months.  My kids just got visitation with their dad for the first time last week, and now we are going through a whole emotional rollercoaster around that change.  What I am going through is not a secret.  I have reached out for support in the best way that I know how.  I feel like I am barely surviving emotionally, and I just don't have it in me to caretake the feelings of those who I would have hoped would be the support people in my life!

And I feel really angry that I am not able to snarl that at these friends, at the brother who disappeared from my life when I split with my ex (even though I had nursed him through a painful divorce for the past 3 years).  Sometimes I want to snap at my DDs, 8 & 10, who seem to need me to be more than I am, that I am at my limit, I just can't!

Instead I feel like I always have to be nice, to everyone.  Like I can't afford to alienate anyone else right now.  I am going back to Alanon.  I wish that I knew how to create the support that I need right now. Whew!  Thanks for reading my vent.

[mami2f3]

So awful. I'm so sorry to hear it. What kind of friends can't see the impact of what you are going through? I don't mean to put them down, it's just hard to imagine how they coudl be asking more of you right now. I know what you mean about snapping at the kids when the anger is about someone else. You should tell the friends how you feel. I'm not sure I could, but I'd love to hear how it goes if you can! 

Anyway, I know that has to be tough and at least you know many of us here get how hard it is! I have been in this limbo of 'should i stay or should i go now' for 2+ years and I know it must be taxing on friends and family. I'm glad to have this forum.

[sren]

Originally Posted by mami2f3 

You should tell the friends how you feel. I'm not sure I could, but I'd love to hear how it goes if you can! 

Thanks.   I feel like I can't do that.  This barrier that i feel around letting my friends know that I am angry is a new realization for me.  Somehow it feels against the rules of the relationship.  Now that I am feeling less angry, I am sort of sitting with that information.
 

[tooraloora]

I spent nearly my entire pregnancy with my DS in a DV shelter. I lost most of my friends during that period. They'd blow us off non stop and act like what we were going through was nothing, and then freak out on me if I wasn't able to give my complete and undivided attention and support when they called about their relationship and family troubles. One friend (who used to be my closest friend in the world) swore up and down that there was no way she was going to let me and DD spend Christmas in a shelter and was going to come get us to spend it with her. Two days after Christmas she finally called me from Miami. I wasn't allowed to be mad. Afterall, it was totally unavoidable. Her brother showed up for a visit and wanted her to come stay with him for a bit, and there was so much going on, how could she have found time to call and let me (and 4 yo DD who was so excited) know? In the same conversation, she flipped out on me for not being happy and upbeat while she was telling me about how much fun she had. In the end (after a lot more crap), I tried to talk to her about how I was feeling about what was going on between us, she flipped out, and we never spoke again. It hurt for awhile, but at this point, that's one friendship I'm glad to have lost. I had always been there for her before when she needed someone when no one else was, whether she needed advice, a shoulder to cry on, a place to stay, or a "loan" (ya know, the sort of loan where they swear up and down they're going to pay you back, but you know they're full of crap, so you just smile and say "Of course, whenever you can." and write it off in your mind as a gift). When I hit rock bottom, she made it very clear that our relationship would always be one sided, and that's not the sort of friendship I want.

As hard as that year was, I'm thankful for one thing: Though it didn't exactly seem like a blessing at the time, my life was very quickly purged of unhealthy friendships. When you go through hard times, that's when you really find out who your true friends are. I don't have many close friends anymore, but the ones I have left I know are in my life because they care for me as much as I care for them, and I find a lot of comfort in that. Many of the ladies in the shelter ended up being really amazing, and a couple of them are still in my life. I doubt I would have been able to make it through that mess without them. The give and take of support was very healing. Finding other women who are going through (or have been through) similar stuff could be a great thing for you right now. No one is going to "get" what you're dealing with quite so fully as those who have been there. Maybe you could check out some support groups. As for these "friends" calling you out, if I were you, I'd definitely make my feelings known. If they're true friends, you guys will be able to work through it. If they walk, you're better off without them. In any case, I don't believe sitting on your feelings in this matter will serve you well.

[tccandlsccmom]

These new lives we are leading are so foreign to many, including some of my oldest friends.  That is why this message board is so important to me.

Sending you a hug...

[hillymum]

You have every right to be angry and hurt with those two!! I would be too!!

[sren]

Thanks for your responses.  Now i am feeling more sad than angry.  I went to my DV support group last night and really vented about this.  The other ladies are experiencing the same phenomenon.
 

Originally Posted by tooraloora 

 Though it didn't exactly seem like a blessing at the time, my life was very quickly purged of unhealthy friendships. When you go through hard times, that's when you really find out who your true friends are. 

I feel shame that i don't seem to have (any?) healthy friendships.  I like the idea of purging, but then I feel fearful that I won't make "real" friends.  In other words, I am feeling all alone and that it's my fault.  There are some nice acquaintances who have been helpful, even great, and I am realizing that even if I wanted to pursue friendships with those people, I don't have the time/space/emotional energy to do so right now.  So for now I am in a holding pattern.  Man, I hope it gets better with time.
 

[tooraloora]

Originally Posted by sren 

Thanks for your responses.  Now i am feeling more sad than angry.  I went to my DV support group last night and really vented about this.  The other ladies are experiencing the same phenomenon. 

I feel shame that i don't seem to have (any?) healthy friendships.  I like the idea of purging, but then I feel fearful that I won't make "real" friends.  In other words, I am feeling all alone and that it's my fault.  There are some nice acquaintances who have been helpful, even great, and I am realizing that even if I wanted to pursue friendships with those people, I don't have the time/space/emotional energy to do so right now.  So for now I am in a holding pattern.  Man, I hope it gets better with time. 

There is no need to feel shame, and you will make real friends. It just might take some time. You have a lot of healing to do. In my previous post notice that I said that many of the women in shelter were amazing, but only a couple were still in my life. We all had major baggage to sort through. Not all of us were in a place at that particular time to make lifelong friendships. With the right person, at the right time, it happens. I made a lot of temporary friends along the way, and we were there for each other to support each other in the ways we needed at that time. Later on in my stay, I made the friends who are still with me today. Prior to that, as lonely as I was, I just wasn't ready. I had to see to myself first. It was an opportunity for a lot of growing. Being alone isn't so bad anymore. I love spending time with and talking to my friends, but I like my alone time, too. Before, spending a couple weeks without seeing anyone would make me about crawl out of my skin. I'm happier with myself now. I also have the confidence to stand up for myself now, which I definitely didn't have before. I'm in a much better place now to attract the right kind of friends and to be able to tell the difference between someone who could be a true friend and someone who is more like my old friends. You have a long road ahead of you, and it will be better in the end. Have faith in yourself that you will make it through this, and you will come out of it stronger.

[Murph12334]

When I was living in the dv shelter I'd call those I thought were friends and they'd just try to get off the phone with me.  I'd try to ask for help, but they wouldn't be there.  Over time I found new friends and have become close with them,  Since then both I've been there for them when they needed me and they have been there for me.  It's a mutual giving situation.  Not just all about take. 
I'm thankful I went through it.  I was albe to really see who was there as a friend and who was more using me.

But yes, it is totally scary when you look at your friends and think you have no one to turn to for help or advice, or a shoulder to cry on.

((hugs))

it'll get better

[sren]

It helps so much to hear that this has happened to others besides me.  I am sure getting to learn a lot about the people in my life and the fantasies that I had about my relationships.  But I am starting to realize that maybe alone isn't so bad.  Now I can switch to worrying about being poor!

[sren]

I did reach out again to one of those friends two days ago, whom I dearly love and I know that she has her own troubles right now.  I apologized for neglecting her and saying that i would like to be there for her in the future but also saying that my situation is taking every ounce of my strength right now and that i will probably be preoccupied for a while.  She had not emailed back from last week, and no response to the apology.  Que sera sera.

[animegeekmom]

I can empathize...trust me. I have one friend whom I have been friends with forever. When this mess first started, she was really supportive, and she has always been there for me thru everything. The last few weeks however, she has been distancing herself from me and getting upset when I won't tell her everything that is wrong. I am going thru a lot right now and been internalizing myself....I tend to internalize myself when I have a lot on my mind. It's not just this situation, it's like everything has been coming down on me at once. I am not good at speaking out for myself, either, so I have just been like, "I'm sorry I made you feel that way, that wasn't my intention." Which it really wasnt, but I cannot help it with me being who I am going thru what I am going thru. My boys are dealing with a lot right now, too, and because money is really tight, I haven't been able to go back to my old town as much either, b/c of gas. This makes me feel like I am being selfish and makes me feel even worse. STBX is in gone, so I am alone, trying to raise three boys by myself...I am trying to finish up my nursing program which is very demanding of me at the moment b/c of projects and tests...I am just feeling overwhelmed.

Originally Posted by sren 

AAAAHH!   I just got called out by two friends in my life who feel that I haven't been available enough/in the right way for them recently.  I was able to give an "I hear you"-type response and repeat that the last 5 months since the kids and I separated from STBX have been really difficult. 

But inside I am seething.  No one in my life seems to have any idea what I am going through!  I have gone from a homeschooling SAHM to a financially unstable homeschooling single mom trying to go back to school trying to recover from DV who hasn't had a break in 5 months.  My kids just got visitation with their dad for the first time last week, and now we are going through a whole emotional rollercoaster around that change.  What I am going through is not a secret.  I have reached out for support in the best way that I know how.  I feel like I am barely surviving emotionally, and I just don't have it in me to caretake the feelings of those who I would have hoped would be the support people in my life!

And I feel really angry that I am not able to snarl that at these friends, at the brother who disappeared from my life when I split with my ex (even though I had nursed him through a painful divorce for the past 3 years).  Sometimes I want to snap at my DDs, 8 & 10, who seem to need me to be more than I am, that I am at my limit, I just can't!

Instead I feel like I always have to be nice, to everyone.  Like I can't afford to alienate anyone else right now.  I am going back to Alanon.  I wish that I knew how to create the support that I need right now. Whew!  Thanks for reading my vent.