I need support....

[meb2]

             I am currently 37 weeks 1 day pregnant. DP has been adamant from the very beginning that he does not want this baby.  Being the person that I am... I just believed that as the time got closer, his feelings would change and he would warm up to the idea and actually be excited. Well he hasn't. He is absolutely miserable and doesn't hide it from anyone which is incredibly embarrassing. Everyone expects him to be excited when they ask him if he's ready... But he goes into his little tangent that he doesn't want kids and this is the worst thing that's ever happened to him... 

             Then at night when it's just the two of us laying in bed, he acts completely different. He asks questions about the baby and rubs on him and even sometimes gets excited to feel him moving. He seems to have 180 beliefs as to what he wants... One second he doesn't want the baby at all, and the next he seems excited... 

              We're not married and have only been together for 17 months... We weren't even together a year when I got pregnant. We do live together, but also with my sister and her two young children. He treats the kids wonderfully, but lately has been being rude or ignoring my sister which is not okay at all. My sister has been such a HUGE asset to keeping our relationship and lives afloat for the past year. She's tired of seeing him treat me the way that he does and she knows that it gets to me... Tonight she confronted me about it when he said that he'd rather sleep on the floor than in the bed with the baby when she told him it was time to start rearranging our bedroom... A task that he has been refusing to do for me for the past week. Then when I told him he was being rude to her, he said, "I can leave for the airport anytime."

            On top of everything, I feel like I am putting WAY more into the relationship than he is. Back in May his car's engine went so he went ahead and against my wishes, purchased a HUGE Ford Excursion that was taking way more gas than we could afford and was a huge expense... A month later the transmission went. So I allowed him to start driving my car when he needed to go to work. Well somehow, he has just not gotten a new vehicle. So when I have to go to work, he takes me and picks me up (often late). When I want to go somewhere... It's only okay when HE doesn't have to go to the gym or go work. He has completely taken it over. Then he gets mad when I ask him where he is or when he will be home and tells me that I'm controlling...

           I know I'm not controlling. I give him everything I can. I'm so tired of not getting the same in return. Tonight after his little tangent, he left for the gym and I texted him telling him that, "I love you more than anything, but I shouldn't have to deal with the constant threat of you leaving me. Either get on your way and stop dragging this on or stop saying that you're going to leave. I'm done with this. It is verbal abuse". He replying saying, "So be it. I know what I have to do."

:( Just need warm wishes as I take this on...

[Tenk]

I couldn't read and not post mama, I'm here if you need anything.  You are strong and capable.  I've learned many times over the years that life doesn't give us more than we can handle.  Take care of you and that baby!  tb

[berry987]

Wow, that is a lot to deal with. I'm sorry. Honestly, your DP doesn't sound like great partner or father material at this point. Maybe he is immature or maybe he truly is not cut out to be a father, but his actions towards you show he is not ready to make the sacrifices needed to be a good dad. If I were you I'd spend my time focusing on myself and the baby - staying healthy and happy. It sounds like your sister is great support - lean on her. Find people who are willing and ready to support you now. And don't sacrifice a happy home to try to stay with a man who doesn't really want to be there - your baby will need a happy, supported, healthy mom.

[rustydaisies]

ddcc but lady!  sounds like a bad case.  i would get him out of my space as soon as possible.  you need support not to be walked all over.  i find that women are often nurturting to the point that they sometimes forget that we are all adults and its just not okay!  it sounds like you have a really awesome friend in your sister, and if its her house and you dont feel comfortable kicking him out, perhaps she could act as the one who needs him out of her space, then at least you can get some breathing room to see how he reacts to the birth.  but even then i would be weary, it sounds like he knows you are giving person and takes advantage of that! people dont change! no matter how much they say they will or you want them to!

[jbk21]

Oh my, you have GOT to get rid of this guy.  He is not going to man up, period.  All his presence is going to do for the next few weeks of pregnancy, during labor, and after the baby is born is STRESS you out.  Childbirth is hard, mama.  Being a mom is HARD.  I don't say these things to scare you, but to let you know that anyone who is not 100% in this with you is NOT at all helpful but is a huge hinderance.  You don't need to be worrying about him or fighting with him when your baby needs your undivided attention.  I promise that you will be happier if you just go it alone.  

Example from my own life- My sister got pregnant by her BF of only 2 months.  She was miserable throughout the pregnancy, he was verbally abusive, and now their daughter is 3 years old and they are married.  Not happily, though.  She puts up a good front but they are on two different pages.  She wants things one way for their family (she tends to make good choices), and he is stubborn and ignorant and won't allow it.  He is a deadbeat- still in school, keeps changing his majors, switches jobs all the time, and he's 27 years old!  He should have his life in order or at least on a good track.  She works as a nurse to provide for their family and he basically just is along for the ride.  All that to say that you do NOT want to end up like that.  This guy is clearly not in this with you, you NEED to just remove him from the equation as soon as possible.  It will be easier in the long run to just cut it off now.  I'm so glad that you have your sister to lean on, like other PPs have said.  

  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but trust that you can do it!  You're going to be a great mom to your precious baby.  Don't let this fool steal any more moments of joy from you.

[Jaimee]

  Huge hugs mama!  We are all here if you need to vent or get support throughout this process.  Please come over and post in the Social Group to get more support- that's where we all are! 

[IwannaBanRN]

He sounds like my ex. And he's my ex for a reason. Just saying...........  I'm sorry for how he's treating you. This isn't fair to you or the baby. But, really, the "surface" of the stuff you're describing sounds exactly like this baby's dad. The ways he keeps you dangling with saying things like "I could leave at any time" are ways of reassuring him that you don't WANT him to leave by the reaction you give him. It is EMOTIONAL abuse, which is different than verbal. Verbal is mostly cussing a person out. What he is doing is making your feelings invalid and making you feel stupid for feeling human emotions to valid things. You shouldn't have to put up with it and the more you tell him that you won't tolerate it, the more upset he may get. I used to tell this baby's dad that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me and he would reply with "well, just leave then" or "fine. you don't have to" And then, I'd be frantic, trying to explain I wanted to be with him, but I was only trying to say he needed to act better towards me. He never had a good answer for anything when he knew I was right about something. It was always "Oh, Becky's always right!" "Oh yeah, I'M the dumb one" or "Whatever, Becky." He's TERRIFIED that you'll kick him to the curb. He wants that control of knowing he has your emotions under his thumb. I'm going to give you a link to an article that helped me be more solid in my decision to leave this baby's dad. I know you're on the edge of having a baby anyday now, but it may be worth reading. If I'm wrong at all about your DP, I'm sorry, but he sounds like the exact same person this baby's dad is. Here's the article: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

[meb2]

Originally Posted by IwannaBanRN 

He sounds like my ex. And he's my ex for a reason. Just saying...........  I'm sorry for how he's treating you. This isn't fair to you or the baby. But, really, the "surface" of the stuff you're describing sounds exactly like this baby's dad. The ways he keeps you dangling with saying things like "I could leave at any time" are ways of reassuring him that you don't WANT him to leave by the reaction you give him. It is EMOTIONAL abuse, which is different than verbal. Verbal is mostly cussing a person out. What he is doing is making your feelings invalid and making you feel stupid for feeling human emotions to valid things. You shouldn't have to put up with it and the more you tell him that you won't tolerate it, the more upset he may get. I used to tell this baby's dad that I didn't deserve to be treated the way he was treating me and he would reply with "well, just leave then" or "fine. you don't have to" And then, I'd be frantic, trying to explain I wanted to be with him, but I was only trying to say he needed to act better towards me. He never had a good answer for anything when he knew I was right about something. It was always "Oh, Becky's always right!" "Oh yeah, I'M the dumb one" or "Whatever, Becky." He's TERRIFIED that you'll kick him to the curb. He wants that control of knowing he has your emotions under his thumb. I'm going to give you a link to an article that helped me be more solid in my decision to leave this baby's dad. I know you're on the edge of having a baby anyday now, but it may be worth reading. If I'm wrong at all about your DP, I'm sorry, but he sounds like the exact same person this baby's dad is. Here's the article: http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

This article was SO close to home. EVERYTHING in there was things that he had been doing. He keeps telling me he's in therapy now, but he's also been treating me worse now. That description is him down to a T. I wish I had found this article MONTHS ago. Thank you so much. It gave me a lot of comfort to read that I did what I should have done and that I'm not the only one...
 

[Kindermama]

Originally Posted by jbk21 

Oh my, you have GOT to get rid of this guy.  He is not going to man up, period.  All his presence is going to do for the next few weeks of pregnancy, during labor, and after the baby is born is STRESS you out.  Childbirth is hard, mama.  Being a mom is HARD.  I don't say these things to scare you, but to let you know that anyone who is not 100% in this with you is NOT at all helpful but is a huge hinderance.  You don't need to be worrying about him or fighting with him when your baby needs your undivided attention.  I promise that you will be happier if you just go it alone.  

Example from my own life- My sister got pregnant by her BF of only 2 months.  She was miserable throughout the pregnancy, he was verbally abusive, and now their daughter is 3 years old and they are married.  Not happily, though.  She puts up a good front but they are on two different pages.  She wants things one way for their family (she tends to make good choices), and he is stubborn and ignorant and won't allow it.  He is a deadbeat- still in school, keeps changing his majors, switches jobs all the time, and he's 27 years old!  He should have his life in order or at least on a good track.  She works as a nurse to provide for their family and he basically just is along for the ride.  All that to say that you do NOT want to end up like that.  This guy is clearly not in this with you, you NEED to just remove him from the equation as soon as possible.  It will be easier in the long run to just cut it off now.  I'm so glad that you have your sister to lean on, like other PPs have said.  

  I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but trust that you can do it!  You're going to be a great mom to your precious baby.  Don't let this fool steal any more moments of joy from you.

I totally agree with this mama! I've BTDT. I'm so glad I told him to get lost. I gave him chance after chance, year after year (for a total of 3). People don't change...that much! 
 

[IwannaBanRN]

Originally Posted by meb2 

This article was SO close to home. EVERYTHING in there was things that he had been doing. He keeps telling me he's in therapy now, but he's also been treating me worse now. That description is him down to a T. I wish I had found this article MONTHS ago. Thank you so much. It gave me a lot of comfort to read that I did what I should have done and that I'm not the only one...
 

I'm glad and seriously, even when this baby's dad started therapy, THIS article is what got me to not take the bait to go back to him. Therapy and mental "help" could arm him with better abuse tools and if you choose to still be with him, he WILL use it to his advantage to bend you to his will. I think you should read the thread of when I left this baby's dad back in July. I think it's somewhere on the first page of the November DDC. I was so, so scared when I left. He was going so crazy in his head when I told him I wasn't coming back that he got 2 inches from my face and said "I hope you die giving birth to my son. You're a no good trash whore and a garbage parent." It wasn't so much what he said that stuck with me, but the horrible, mean look on his face. And he was like that because he was losing control. I'm going to warn you to not be alone when you leave because when an emotional abuser loses control over something they get unpredictable. My ex used to throw his past girlfriends around and choke them out, but never laid a hand on me. I don't think he got comfortable enough to do that to me, thank God.