Weaning (was: No let-down for my older tandem nursling - advice please!)

[AngelKissedKids]

I'm strongly considering weaning but it's not what I want to do.  What I really want is to be able to enjoy nursing my 3 y/o DD again but my body and mind are not cooperating!  I'm having feelings of aversion that range from STRONG to mild, and seem to be worse for about 2 weeks per month (even though my menses has not returned) and not too bad for the other 2 weeks unless I'm particularly sleep deprived or run down... but even then our good nursing sessions still feel awful to me and I'm forced to cut even those times short.

My younger nursling is 6.5 m/o now and I'm not having any issues nursing her.  I have plenty of milk and my oversupply is now in check (thankfully - I had oversupply for over a year with DD1).  However, I almost never have a let-down for DD1 anymore, even when my breast is obviously full (first thing in the morning).  The rare time she is able to get milk out, I have awful feelings about the milk being taken from me (rather than being given) and it almost feels like I'm being violated in some way.  I hate it!  But, what concerns me most is the fact that I'm basically dry-nursing DD1 most of the time.  I'm sure it's due to both my feelings of aversion and the fact that I had to wean DD1 for one month during my pregnancy due to threatened pre-term labour (DD1 was a preemie and I needed to do everything I could to prevent DD2 from being born too early).  With my help, DD1 figured out how to latch after a week or so of many unsuccessful attempts once DD2 was born but I'm sure her latch is not very effective, which perhaps is making my aversion even worse. 

So, my question is, to all of you who have tandem nursed and were successful at allowing CLW to happen, would you or could you commit to dry-nursing indefinitely?  I'm just not sure that I'm capable of that mental and physical challenge because the end date is so unknown and seems so far away... I'd take another natural labour over this challenge any day because labour feels like a sprint to the finish line rather than this marathon!  I do feel like DD1 will handle weaning with minimal grief at this point but I'm know I'm going to be so very sad.  I feel like it's not only the end of our special bond but also the end of my hopes and dreams for CLW and I'll be grieving the loss of both.  I've tentatively set a weaning date for Nov 6th (a special day for us because it was DD1's estimated due date, therefore it's her adjusted birthday) but feel like I need to make a firm decision now so I can help prepare my DD.  Please, any advice would be welcomed!

[dejagerw]

Does she get a letdown when you nurse them both at the same time? Also, sometimes I find nursing them both at the same time makes me feel better toward the older nursling. Seeing them interact while nursing is usually pretty cute.

[AngelKissedKids]

dejagerw, thanks for your reply.  I have decided to wean and wow, is it ever a difficult emotional decision to follow through with, but yet, I also know in my heart that it's what is right for me and my nursling.  We're preparing for our final special day of nursing on Nov 6th, using a calendar to highlight events we're looking forward to both before and after that big day and I do believe my DD is as ready as one can be for weaning.  We have lovely talks about all the things we will continue to do even though she won't be having Mama's milk any longer (rocking together in our special chair, cuddles, hugs/kisses, stroking her hair, etc.).  I'm trying to be proud of the fact that I nursed her for 3 whole years and not focus on the loss of my CLW ideals.  Thanks for letting me share.  This motherhood journey is not an easy one!