Have you had any time to yourself? And if so, how!? « Back to Group Discussions

[Italiamom]

I've got yet another baby who wants mama 24/7.  Due to her latch issues, I've been hesitant to introduce any bottles, and she basically nurses every hour anyway.  Which more or less means I can't leave the house for more than 30 minutes at a time.  I've been on a few 30 minute runs, but I took DS with me both times.  I can hear her scream when I shower (and she screams during EVERY shower), so that's not really "me" time.  I scarf down my food, rush through my showers, I can't put her down for more than 1-2 minutes during the daytime hours.  Basically I put her down, she starts screaming, and then I rush to change DS, or to pee.  And I try to talk to DH about it and he just stares at me.  I might as well be talking about the laundry.  And the girl doesn't go to sleep sleep until 1AM.  I basically nurse her continually starting at about 8:30.  It's rare that I can make it until she actually goes down.  Usually she's on/off/on/off the breast while I snooze.  But it means I can't get up after she goes to sleep to grab a snack.

I'm going bonkers here.  And please, if you just can't bear to put your baby down/have no problem with the 24/7 someone on you all the time, just don't weigh in.  I don't want to hear it.

How can I get some alone time?  How can I unwind?  HALP!

[Beckily]

Gah! I'd go crazy!

Does she tolerate being held by someone else? Is your husband willing to hold her to give you a break?

I was like that when I was a baby and I would scream hysterically around men. I was a joy, I'm sure. Mom got an hour free from me every night (which is amazing - dad actually called watching us "babysitting" and wasn't a fan). She'd hand me off to dad and go take a hot bath. I'd scream. I eventually got over it. She -needed- the time. It's far more important that you get the time and not go crazy and eat your children, you know?

I'm sorry and I hope you get relief soon!

Edit: Oh! I get alone time by handing him off and not taking him back. I got a fabulous long bath alone the other day. He seemed to want me, but I'd just fed him. Restaurant closed. I needed it.

Also, mom comes over and I usually leap up, hand him off and run to eat or get a shower. Or I'll throw him at Dusty and do the same. I just insist.

[Italiamom]

He's willing to hold her, but she's not fond of him at all. About 30 minutes of screaming baby is his max. And of course our house is small, and I can hear her wailing away, which sucks the relaxation out of any activity I might be doing during that 30 minutes. I'm thinking of maybe buying some noise canceling headphones this weekend.

[Lynann]

Michelle, first a big You sound very stressed out and I can only try to understand, as until this week I didn't have a Klingon baby. Now that he has decided he can't stand to be away from me I'm beginning to feel a little of this.

Could your DH take both the children out for a short walk so you can actually relax for a bit, even if it is just getting a shower without listening to screaming. DD may actually not scream so much if she is outside. My DS1 would melt down at 5pm every evening for the first 4 months, and the only thing that worked for us was taking him outside for a walk. There seems to be something soothing about being outside in the fresh air. Alternatively leave both children with DH and you go for the walk or run in the fresh air.

Yesterday morning (5am) DH took DS2 for a bit so I could have a shower before he left for work. I can't shower unless DH is home, or I face the melt down too, and I can't just listen to him cry the way he does. It was only 10 minutes but it really did feel good to have a shower at the start of the day instead of just before bed, or skipping it altogether. At this point it really does seem to be the little things that make all the difference in the world.

Hope you find something that will work for you soon.

[elove]

hmm to be honest my truly "me" time is when i commute to work - so not very relevant info but this is to say when DH is taking care of her for me to shower etc..i always am rushing. he puts her down when she naps, making it a really short nap, than he always asks her if she wants to nurse and of course you can guess the answer is. so it is rush rush. not sure pumping at  3am counts as me time. i have had it where DD will sit content in her bouncy chair while i shower. I put her right next to the tub where i sing and can stick my arm out to bounce if she starts getting cranky. than again, i had showers where i got in n out 3 times.

i think the truly me time would be when they are out of the house as Lynann pointed out. Take a deep breath mama, can DH take her out w him for groceries etc?

big hugs.

e 

[FischK]

IM, sorry to hear you're going through this. I wish I had some advice for you, but I'm in the same predicament. DS2 is on me from about 7.30am to 8.30pm - eating and cat napping -, and nurses 3-4 times a night, and when he's asleep in bed - happens rarely - DS1 is trying to get his fill of mama-time. DH does not enjoy holding DS2 because he screams once he's not on me, and DS1 refuses to view DH as a replacement.

I'm hoping this will get better very soon. What has helped to at least have some time in the shower is handing DS2 off to DH who then turns on the vacuum cleaner. It makes DS1 unhappy but DS2 seems to be calmed by it. 

I've also put DS2 in a wrap and gone out to meet friends. He usually sleeps through that for 60 min, giving me the illusion of alone/me-time.

Other than that, I'm hoping for some pumping time soon. That would allow me to exercise (high-quality alone time), and give DH the ability to feed DS2 while I'm gone. We also have some latch issues, but I'm hoping that a bottle every few days should be ok. 

[SynEpona]

DS was like that ... always on me, nursing 23 hours a day it seemed. I wore him in a sling constantly, showered with him crying at me from a bouncy seat, drove sometimes with one arm back to his seat so he could grab my finger ....

I don't have a magic solution, just that it does eventually get better. Before 3mths I would just give up on 'me time' OR enlist sympathetic friends (women) for an hour of baby watching now and then. Know that she will not starve if you feed her, and then she is in someone else's arms for an hour. I find that daddy-types are not always well equipped to soothe a screaming baby, and it's not relaxing for me to have a shower/try to nap/breathe if I know that as soon as I'm done I'm going to hear about how awful it was to have to hold babe while they screamed. Mommy-friends tend to understand & tell you baby was great, even if you know it's not possible!

Can/will your DH take her for a walk in the stroller while you shower? Being outside was one of the few things that calmed DS (and even got him to sleep!). Then you could shower w/o hearing the screaming at least.

Have you got local 'mommy friends'? Find some! Many churches have mom's coffee hour things, that you can attend even if you do not go to that (or any) church. They should be full of moms with little kids. Most offer a children's play time as well, so the moms can sit and relax a bit for that hour once a week. It's a great place to meet other moms. Call the churches in your area ... start with the ones that have full parkinglots on Sunday :)

The only thing I've done completely alone since C was born is to go to the grocery store at 11pm one night. I did also run into the store while everyone waited in the car on the way home from somewhere. I get one on one time with DS, which right now, is a better use of my 'daddy can watch baby for a bit' time. If I had another baby like DS was, I'd be using it differently! But, I only really started that two weeks ago, when she was over 8wks. DS & I went out for a donut & juice -- gone about 40min. This week, we went to a movie, gone nearly 3 hours. Before that, I think we did go one time to get a couple groceries just DS & I, gone 25 min maybe right when she was 8 wks.

Will your DH make you a snack & bring it to you once you're tucked in bed with you babe? Since you can't get out & get it yourself? I'd be asking if he didn't offer!

[nald1]

Originally Posted by Italiamom 

I've got yet another baby who wants mama 24/7.  Due to her latch issues, I've been hesitant to introduce any bottles, and she basically nurses every hour anyway.  Which more or less means I can't leave the house for more than 30 minutes at a time.  I've been on a few 30 minute runs, but I took DS with me both times.  I can hear her scream when I shower (and she screams during EVERY shower), so that's not really "me" time.  I scarf down my food, rush through my showers, I can't put her down for more than 1-2 minutes during the daytime hours.  Basically I put her down, she starts screaming, and then I rush to change DS, or to pee.  And I try to talk to DH about it and he just stares at me.  I might as well be talking about the laundry.  And the girl doesn't go to sleep sleep until 1AM.  I basically nurse her continually starting at about 8:30.  It's rare that I can make it until she actually goes down.  Usually she's on/off/on/off the breast while I snooze.  But it means I can't get up after she goes to sleep to grab a snack.

I'm going bonkers here.  And please, if you just can't bear to put your baby down/have no problem with the 24/7 someone on you all the time, just don't weigh in.  I don't want to hear it.

How can I get some alone time?  How can I unwind?  HALP!

Oh this sounds SOOOO hard- my LO has morphed into this kind of baby over the past week as well.  I NEED alone time - I think I am a loner by nature and thrive on solitude- so infancy is a TOUGH time for me as well.  I am sooooo not thrilled by a 24/7 nursing session.  I have added a daily bottle - but still feel very guilty and torn by it- and it stresses me out trying to figure out how to prioritize what to use it for - usually a shower.  Last night DH gave him his one and 1/2 ounces I left for a snack while i showered- but then i came down to find he had also given him the extra I was saving for my mom while I go to the chiropractor today- I flipped- and needless to say, DH didnt get it - but he doesnt get much these days (that's another story). Would you try the bottle for some sanity and see  how it goes?

How long will she sleep once she's down at 1:30?  Ive developed this odd middle of the night routine- DS will wake for his feeding, Ill feed  and go get a snack and tea - sometimes i can eat alone - sometimes ill even read and luxuriate in being ALONE - lately he'll wake by the time i get my snack and ill nurse in bed (with my snack) and then he's down again.  Being able to turn over and sleep sometimes feels like luxurious alone time- pathetic, but true.

Do you have options to not take DS running?  Alone runs are my true savior!!!!

LO is up- hope you find a way that works for you 

 HUGS

[nald1]

Originally Posted by Italiamom 

He's willing to hold her, but she's not fond of him at all. About 30 minutes of screaming baby is his max. And of course our house is small, and I can hear her wailing away, which sucks the relaxation out of any activity I might be doing during that 30 minutes. I'm thinking of maybe buying some noise canceling headphones this weekend.

I also close the door to the kitchen and turn the stove vent fan on REALLY high so i can eat without listening to him scream.  My stomach was so bloated and in pain by last night that I looked 6 months pregnant- not a lot of alone in the bathroom time!!!! Sorry if TMI - that's one of the things that really gets to e- not being able to take care of basic needs - never mind sleeping and eating....

[Baby_Cakes]

I have a small house, too.  When I shower, I close the door and sing if I have to.  That's MY time.  (when DH has the kids.  I wouldn't take my time if I were alone and they were crying, lol).  

I'm with Becky though.  I'm responsible for feeding the baby, but I never said I would be solely responsible for taking care of the baby 24/7.  If baby is fed, it's 50/50.  If I'm frazzled, I will pass the baby and say figure it out.  If you start doing this more, your DH will find more ways to settle her, and she will get more comfy with him.  

I don't count a run on the treadmill as "me time" b/c while it's good for my mental health, it's not relaxing, lol!  It's hard work!  To go from taking care of two crazies to running frantically then back to those two crazies isn't a break.  Shopping alone is a break.  I try to do this at least once a week.  Tank up the baby, pass him, and say, "see ya!"  I'm never gone more than an hour.  

I get that you don't want to screw up her latch, IM, but a paci may save you guys.  Use it intermittently, and you won't run the risk.  My kids will only take Soothie brand, which is a good one if you're interested for not screwing with bf'ing.  Then at least you might get a peaceful shower or gasp, nap, in another part of the house.

I say you need to lay down strict instructions that if she's fussing, they have to figure it out themselves.  None of this maybe she's hungry stuff if she's just been fed.

Do you have a baby swing?  I use that a lot to put him down. Now that he's looking at his mobile he'll sit there for a bit so I can relax, or do some chores.

[elove]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fN64r2dFR9M

this sometimes will keep her calm in her bouncer! to be honest keeps me calm too  ;)

[Peony]

I've got another velcro baby as well. This is my 3rd out of 4.  DD2 wasn't quite as bad as DD1 or this guy, DS2, but she had such medical problems that she was never out of arms because of the care that was required. DH only got her when I showered because he wasn't comfortable with the medical equipment and care she needed. I think DD1 and DS2 are twins separated by 8 years. They are identical. No one else can hold them ever, they instantly start screaming. Doesn't matter if they were in the deepest sleep.The second they get put down, more screaming. Car rides are horrid. They nurse every 45 minutes at least. More usually because they puke constantly. DS2 spends his entire life on top of me. DH does not hold him at all. DS2 screams in a bouncy every other day while I shower. I even walk on my treadmill with him strapped on me. There is no me time.

I was not thrilled in the least that I got another kid like this. I felt like I paid my dues, my first three all have different milder SNs that I have deal with on a daily basis, and then I get this guy who is not making having my 4 kids easy. DS2 is 2.5 months now, it honestly was easier when he was a brand new newborn then right now.

I can't help you get completely alone time, I've never found some magic trick. I decided I either had two choices. Make peace with the fact that I could leave/take my time in the house and he would scream the entire time or adjust my thinking and not count baby in my alone time. This only works if you have more then one kid! Now my "alone" time is when I have just the velcro baby and NO OTHER KIDS. Sure I have a puking baby on me that is probably going to start screaming any second but I don't have to hear the whining 4y or wipe nasty toddler poop or feed a kid food for the 50th time that morning. I go to town once a while alone with just baby, walk downtown alone without worrying that the toddler is going to dart into traffic or take my freaking time at the grocery store instead of dashing through because someone is throwing a fit. My favorite is when DH is home on the weekends or my sitter takes DS1 to his speech playgroup and I'm at home. I watch crappy TV that I never get to watch because little eyes and ears shouldn't be seeing that. And do nothing but sit with baby on top of me. Or pace around trying to calm him but still watching my crappy TV!

If given the choice to leave this guy happy or do the above I'd still take leaving but he cries so much already, I'm not going to force the issue right now. I still wistfully wish for a happier baby. Someday it will be easier. Sigh. Hang in there. 

[SouthernStormy]

I hope you find something that works for you soon, that sounds very, very stressful. Have you tried wrapping her in a shirt that smells like you when while DH holds her? I know right after Magnolias daddy left there was a night she was just in consolable and I found one of his dirty shirts and wrapped her in it and played a voice recording he'd done for her and it calmed her instantly.

Now that DH is gone my alone time is when she naps- which is still a pretty good bit. She'll sleep in her Rock N play sleeper or her cosleeper. She doesn't really like to be held constantly if she's awake unless shes in the wrap. Although she doesn't really like to do anything for more than about 5 mins. For showers I usually try to get her to sleep, wait a few minutes to make sure shes good and asleep then hop in the shower. She'll usually stay awake at least long enough for a shower and sometimes food. My hardest task is eating. It never fails that I'm hungry she is not happy with anything but being held. Or I"ll think shes good and asleep and going to stay asleep for awhile and she wakes up right as the food is done cooking.

[Lynann]

Michelle, perhaps try to get her more used to her daddy, so she'll calm down for him. The shirt he wore yesterday near her so she gets used to the smell of him while still in your arms, and having him spend time talking to her while in your arms so she gets used to his sound, and I'm sure there are lots of other things too. It might take several days, also having DH build up how much time he spends with her every day so she gets used to him more. If she spends all her time just with you she won't get to bond with her daddy as much, and they both need to have that bond. If gradual doesn't work then try just making DH deal with it for an hour a couple of times a week and make sure you go somewhere you can't hear them and are not easily available to bail DH out.

Hope you can get some time to yourself soon Mama. You need to take care of you to take care of DD.

[Tamera]

Michelle I'm sorry! My DD was the exact same way. She screamed every time my husband held her, nursed 24/7, and I had to hold her and let her dreamfeed through every nap. She hated being in a sling. It did get a little bit better when she was old enough to be interested in a toy for a few minutes. I could put her down on one of those baby gym things with the toys they can try to grab and that gave me enough time to quickly do something. I got a clear shower curtain for our bathroom and I would put her in the carseat and bring it into the bathroom with me. Sometimes the water and the sound of my voice would keep her calm long enough for me to quickly wash myself and then I'd have to nurse her again before I could get dressed. It was several months before she would let her daddy hold her for more than a few minutes without crying, but he was also gone for 14-16 hours a day at that point. She wasn't used to him at all.

My best advice is to try to find someone that can help you sometimes. I had a great neighbor move in downstairs when my DD was about 5 months old. She would watch her for an hour for me sometimes so I could clean or take a shower or whatever. I trusted her and knew that she would be continuously trying to comfort her and she wouldn't just be CIO in a strangers house. That hour was like therapy for me and I needed it in order to be a nicer Mom. It's important for your sanity.

[nald1]

Originally Posted by Tamera 

Michelle I'm sorry! My DD was the exact same way. She screamed every time my husband held her, nursed 24/7, and I had to hold her and let her dreamfeed through every nap. She hated being in a sling. It did get a little bit better when she was old enough to be interested in a toy for a few minutes. I could put her down on one of those baby gym things with the toys they can try to grab and that gave me enough time to quickly do something. I got a clear shower curtain for our bathroom and I would put her in the carseat and bring it into the bathroom with me. Sometimes the water and the sound of my voice would keep her calm long enough for me to quickly wash myself and then I'd have to nurse her again before I could get dressed. It was several months before she would let her daddy hold her for more than a few minutes without crying, but he was also gone for 14-16 hours a day at that point. She wasn't used to him at all.

My best advice is to try to find someone that can help you sometimes. I had a great neighbor move in downstairs when my DD was about 5 months old. She would watch her for an hour for me sometimes so I could clean or take a shower or whatever. I trusted her and knew that she would be continuously trying to comfort her and she wouldn't just be CIO in a strangers house. That hour was like therapy for me and I needed it in order to be a nicer Mom. It's important for your sanity.

my DD was also this way- it was so hard.  My husband stuck with it and they were best buds by the time she was 2 - and then i missed being her one and only- but it sure helps now that i have another infant in tow.  And this time i tell myself it's good for him to get used to DH and vice versa.  One person can not meet every need.  My midwife told me "his needs have to be met- just not all by you"- and reminded me that's why a lot of women live thrive in cultures where the whole village is lactating and watching each other's babes- wouldnt that be nice?

[nald1]

Originally Posted by Peony 

I've got another velcro baby as well. This is my 3rd out of 4.  DD2 wasn't quite as bad as DD1 or this guy, DS2, but she had such medical problems that she was never out of arms because of the care that was required. DH only got her when I showered because he wasn't comfortable with the medical equipment and care she needed. I think DD1 and DS2 are twins separated by 8 years. They are identical. No one else can hold them ever, they instantly start screaming. Doesn't matter if they were in the deepest sleep.The second they get put down, more screaming. Car rides are horrid. They nurse every 45 minutes at least. More usually because they puke constantly. DS2 spends his entire life on top of me. DH does not hold him at all. DS2 screams in a bouncy every other day while I shower. I even walk on my treadmill with him strapped on me. There is no me time.

I was not thrilled in the least that I got another kid like this. I felt like I paid my dues, my first three all have different milder SNs that I have deal with on a daily basis, and then I get this guy who is not making having my 4 kids easy. DS2 is 2.5 months now, it honestly was easier when he was a brand new newborn then right now.

I can't help you get completely alone time, I've never found some magic trick. I decided I either had two choices. Make peace with the fact that I could leave/take my time in the house and he would scream the entire time or adjust my thinking and not count baby in my alone time. This only works if you have more then one kid! Now my "alone" time is when I have just the velcro baby and NO OTHER KIDS. Sure I have a puking baby on me that is probably going to start screaming any second but I don't have to hear the whining 4y or wipe nasty toddler poop or feed a kid food for the 50th time that morning. I go to town once a while alone with just baby, walk downtown alone without worrying that the toddler is going to dart into traffic or take my freaking time at the grocery store instead of dashing through because someone is throwing a fit. My favorite is when DH is home on the weekends or my sitter takes DS1 to his speech playgroup and I'm at home. I watch crappy TV that I never get to watch because little eyes and ears shouldn't be seeing that. And do nothing but sit with baby on top of me. Or pace around trying to calm him but still watching my crappy TV!

If given the choice to leave this guy happy or do the above I'd still take leaving but he cries so much already, I'm not going to force the issue right now. I still wistfully wish for a happier baby. Someday it will be easier. Sigh. Hang in there. 

I know - now I feel being alone with DS is alone time - at least he doesnt talk back or demand things (with words, at least!) and has no clue what Im doing when I want to be up reading or eating during the 2am feed. At least it's somewhat "quiet'
 

[mareseatoats]

Originally Posted by Italiamom 

He's willing to hold her, but she's not fond of him at all. About 30 minutes of screaming baby is his max. And of course our house is small, and I can hear her wailing away, which sucks the relaxation out of any activity I might be doing during that 30 minutes. I'm thinking of maybe buying some noise canceling headphones this weekend.

This is exactly how it is for us, too. DF is kind of discouraged, I kind of feel like he's stopped trying, I almost didn't weigh in, because I don't want to leave the house without Mal or anything, but I definitely wish I could hand him off and go to bed (Mal also tends not to go down til the am hours) or take a bath or what-have you. I think noise canceling headphones are a good idea. Could you feed her and leave during your DS's naptime on the weekends? I agree that it is important for you to get that time for yourself! I'd totally be willing to watch her for an hour if you ever decide you'd like me to or we could just hang out and talk about what it is like to have velcro babies.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by nald1 

My midwife told me "his needs have to be met- just not all by you"- and reminded me that's why a lot of women live thrive in cultures where the whole village is lactating and watching each other's babes- wouldnt that be nice?

It would be nice.  It would be nice to have mom friends...  Or really any friends or family nearby who could help lighten the load once in a while.  All of our family lives at least 2 hours away, except DH's sister, and they haven't spoken in over a year.  Friends we do have in the city all work full time, and haves lives of their own.  I am the only SAHM that I know, save for my neighbor.  DH is gone until after it's dark, so him taking either of the kids out of the house once he gets home isn't an option.  I guess I need to be the one to leave?  But I don't want to go anywhere without showering, and once I've showered and dressed, DD is freaking out.

DS was the exact same way, and I had hoped to get a baby that could be put down for 5-10 minutes occasionally.  She hates the swing, the bouncer, and the vibrating seat, all of which I try on a daily basis and just end up frustrated.  I need to go on an elimination diet, but I need an hour or two to go through some cookbooks and make a plan, and I can't even get that hour.  I literally have no time to do anything, let alone relax.

I am just feeling supremely lonely and very behind.  I want to get in my car and just run away.  And then I remember I can't, because DH has the car during the daytime, and I have night blindness.  Sigh.

[Italiamom]

Originally Posted by mareseatoats 

I'd totally be willing to watch her for an hour if you ever decide you'd like me to or we could just hang out and talk about what it is like to have velcro babies.

Mares!  PM me your phone # again.  I can have DH bring me the car.  It isn't pouring rain, maybe we could meet up and take our velcro babies for a good long walk?