I've finally lost myself

[MarineWife]

I have heard the line many times over the years. A woman gets married, quits her job, has kids and loses herself. I never felt that way before and thought it wouldn't happen to me. Marriage wasn't really a goal of mine. I would have been happy to live together as long as we were committed. My dh insisted on marriage and I had no reason to be against it so I agreed. I hated my job, hate working on someone else's clock in general, so was ecstatic about quiting to be a SAHM. I already had one child, 12 years old, and was excited about having more children. I love my children, of course. I love having them around almost all the time. We homeschool so they are home with me every day. My life is pretty darn good.

Now, though, I feel lost. I feel like I don't have a meaningful, workable purpose. My purpose used to be caring for these children but that has sort of become mundane. My dh is gone a lot (military and deployed more than he's been home in the past 8 years) so I'm alone most of the time with my kids. I don't have anyone to have deep, meaningful conversation with.

I used to care deeply about animals and the environment. I wanted to save the world (doesn't just about everyone at some point?). Now I really don't care. I still try to do my part but feel like it's pointless.

I'm just kind of here. Doing the same thing day after day. Not much to look forward to. Not much to look back on as accomplishments. Nothing much satisfying. I'm 41. Maybe I'm starting my mid-life crisis. Kind of hard to go crazy reacting to it when I still have young children to care for. My life is pretty much just blah.

[Nan411]

hugs...I am a bit younger that you but kinda going through the same thing. I used to be so idealistic and dream of joining the peace corp and traveling. Then I got pregnant and 18 and had another baby at 24. Right now I am really longing for some sense of personal identity. My son (age 2) is so exhausting and clingy and I feel like my whole life is diapers and homework. I suggest maybe getting someone to watch the kids so you can take a class or get some personal time.

[MarineWife]

i have a brand new baby that i'm breastfeeding so i can't leave him to take a class or something. Plus, I can't afford to pay a babysitter on a regular basis. I have "friends" and neighbors who offer to watch my kids for me but whenever I call them on it they can't do it. Right now I'm stuck where I am.

[Emma Bryan Fuller]

`I could have written that........I am 39 with three ages 9,8 and 2. 

I home school too. My husband and I traveled the world, both went to flight school. Then, it all ended for me 10 yrs ago. I really only just noticed. I feel like I have so much to be grateful for, such as even being able to home school etc but instead I feel a lot like you do just lately. 

Hope things get better.

[kayleesmom]

i am feeling the same way and dont know how to change my feelings. sending hugs

[MarineWife]

I feel this way even though I've recently become active in a homeschool group and have been getting out and doing more. So, I can't say it's from being isolated. My purpose and my focus was my children. That's what I wanted. I was so happy and grateful for the opportunity to be a SAHM and to homeschool. But now, while my children are still my focus, I'm not feeling that purpose. I don't know why I'm doing what I'm doing.

[mamallama]

so, um, yeah, you homeschool a 4yo and a 7yo and you have a 3mo baby and your dh is deployed?

No doubt it is a low time for you, Mama!  I wonder if you could attribute any of it to postpartum hormones/baby blues?  I only mention it b/c sometimes looking at life through a different lens brings up new solutions.

I was homeschooling my (then) 6 & 8 yo kids when my last baby was born.  I felt lost--for a long time, I won't lie.  I still do, sometimes, but it's getting better. 

The ymca helps me out enormously.  They have free childcare--up to 2 hours a day.  The combination of exercise and time away from my kids is what gets me through my dh's travel stretches. 

[MarineWife]

yeah, i know my life circumstances certainly can make things difficult. having my dh gone so long so much is definitely wearing on me. i've been doing this for years, though, and it's just recently that i've lost my purpose. i've lost my passion. i know i can get it back, eventually.

now that i've had my last baby, i'm ready to start looking for my passion again. i've been thinking more and more and what i want to do 10 years from now when my kids are old enough to be home alone for awhile. i'm ready to be something besides a mother again.

[gitanamama]

I can definitely relate. I'm a little bit younger and only have one kiddo and a present husband, but so much of what you said hit home for me. I run a home daycare, so I'm around lots of kiddos all day (including my own 17 month old son.) I love being able to work from home and be with my son, but I miss using my brain in any sort of challenging way. I'm trying to carve out a little more "me" time so that I can focus on interests other than babies. With your hubby away, I imagine it's probably pretty tricky for you to do the same, but perhaps you could join the YMCA like the PP suggested, or even hire a mother's helper a few times a week? While I've embraced being a mother as my primary identity, I think it's important not to let it become my only one. Even reading an academic-type book or watching a documentary once and awhile helps me feel like my brain isn't atrophying. 

I try to remember that these early years are intense and demanding but that they don't last forever, and that at some point I'll have the time and energy to really pursue the things I'm passionate about. I find it really uplifting to spend time journaling or just imagining what it is I want to do when my son is grown. It helps me remember what I'm interested in and passionate about--beyond just nursery rhymes and finger food!

[modestmothering]

Maybe I'm being idealist and naive (a tendency of mine) but I refuse to believe that anyone -- SAHM or not -- is ever really "stuck" in any situation.  Other paths may be difficult to find, especially when things are dark, but there is always another route, a road less traveled, a sign you might have overlooked.  Being rooted in the home can feel stagnating.  But roots can shift, move, dance.  Good luck to you in your explorations!  Hugs.

[Imakcerka]

You lose yourself until you find something you love to do and are good at.  You can lose yourself doing some mundane pointless job.  Or lose yourself in a hobby.  You need to figure out if you're really lost or just need a break.