Originally Posted by sunflower.mama
OP here. First of all, thanks for all the replies. Seriously. It's hard not to feel defensive because some of the replies have been harsh, but if I wasn't looking for other perspectives, I wouldn't have posted this. So thank you all. I hope that some of the posters who wrote quick dismissive replies come back and try to give advice after reading this response.
To clarify, I am sorry to have offended anyone with my characterization of the children as being of another race and "adopted". Ironically, my dd's 3 best friends, one of whom lives on our perfect street are adopted. Before staying home with my kids I was a family law attorney and handled adoptions. I spent 6 months working in an orphanage in India. I certainly don't feel that adopted children are damaged goods, although I see where my post sounded that way. I guess I pointed it out because since I don't know when they were adopted (or IF - point taken) I don't know what contributed to some of the social issues I have observed. I actually pointed it out in solidarity with their mom - I don't know what she is dealing with behind closed doors. Maybe it's 100% attributable to their parents. I probably shouldn't have mentioned it as it seems to have distracted a lot of people's replies. It's not something I focus on when dealing with the issue every day. I was rambling in my post. I wish that some of the posters, if they return to the thread, see this and open their minds to the fact that they have made assumptions about the kind of person I may be for having mentioned that, and they are accusing me of making assumptions based on the kids parental status. I'd love it if we could not make my statement about them being adopted a proxy for me being a total judgemental racist and turn the thread into a discussion of that. It's a waste of everyone's time and energy. That's not me. I am a really liberal accepting person (90% of the time :) On the other hand, I am not perfect and I appreciate the different perspectives on all this.
Someone said I hadn't accused the children of being mean. At times they are. The 5 year old girls love to climb up into a swingset treehouse and play house. The younger of these 2 kids loves nothing more than to stand under the house and growl, throw things at them and chase them. It's really disruptive. I feel I have to be right there to reassure my daughter who is very prone to being scared and often ends up in tears. I also wonder if these kids were abused at any time in their lives when I see "bullying" like this of the little girls. And the kids have been kicked off the school bus for their behavior so don't kid yourself that they are perfectly normal kids being excluded and bullied by my kids.
Speaking of bullying, I do see the group bullying happening. It upsets me. It is often in reaction to the boys scaring the little girls that the older boys exclude the new kids. I am trying to reduce this on the part of my son, but some of the other kids are more vocal about it. This whole thing is a new dynamic for me and I need advice for dealing with it. Bottom line...how much do I push my kids into socializing with kids they don't like but who are in our yard every day?
When I say mom ineffectively parents, it's just obvious. The first day they came down to my house, I was in the backyard with the girls and they were playing out front. I had greeted them but needed to supervise DD2 on the swingset. Another mom waved to get my attention. The two new kids had entered my house uninvited (no one was inside) and were running around yelling in it. Mom was standing outside my now closed door saying (not yelling) "come out boys." That's just not an effective response to misbehavior. They apparantly do this frequently and have woken napping babies in other houses. People have asked their mom to make sure they don't do this but sometimes they take off on her. So that was my first impression of things.
When I pointed out that it was the kids' idea to move to the street, I left out a, perhaps, THE critical detail to that fact. Sorry! Of course I don't think it is wierd for kids to want to live in a neighborhood with other kids. Oh my! It was not the fact that they wanted to move here and play with the kids that shocked me. It was the fact that they insisted on moving here even though the parents have said that they, the parents DIDN'T LIKE THE HOUSE. It is a 4000 sf spec mcmansion that has been vacant on the market for 3 years. An elephant on a small tiny lot. So when the parents said they moved here because kids liked the neighborhood, when they actually didn't like the $1,200,000 house, that set off a bell in my head about who is running the show. At any rate, we're not moving and neither are they. They'd never be able to sell that house!