Talk to me about UP...

[nstewart]

So I've just finished reading Alfie Kohn's book, "Unconditional Parenting" and am hoping to hear about others experiences (good and bad) with UP.  What worked for you about it, and what didn't?  Are there any "techniques" that you found particularly helpful (either in your day to day parenting or in helping yourself to become a better UP)?  What are some other good resources? 

Given that I wasn't raised that way at all, some aspects of the book took some effort for me to wrap my head around.  For example, I LOVED playing competative sports and don't think that competition is inherintly bad and also think that learning team work through sports is good (but that's not to say I'm right). I struggle with the idea of not praising DS, but understand from the book why such judgments can be unhelpful.  That said, I generally agree with his ideas and want to work at becoming an "unconditional parent". 

Even before reading his book I think that those values resonated with my DH and I, and this is why we've made certain choices such as ECing and doing BLWing.  I also feel like it is in line with our APing philosophy.  Also, I know that I am a pleaser and I look for praise and find both these things to be a detriment as an adult.  When reading the book I could reflect back on my own upbringing and see how praise and rewards contributed to this.

I guess I also just wonder about UP with a toddler.  The book talks a lot about "reasoning".  You can give a 14 mos old choices, try to limit saying "no", acknowledge their accomplishments without praising, but you sure as heck can't reason with them.  How does AP work for you if you have kids who are not yet able to "reason" and understand why they must or can't do something?  Oh, and what do you UPers do about tantrums??  DS doesn't usually have them (probably because we try to limit saying "no") but I am sure that we'll run into them along the way...

Anyway, just hoping for some discussion about this from those who have tried UP and even from those who have read and learned about it but don't agree with the ideas.

Thanks!

[mamazee]

Reasoning: I give a kid the reason, but if they aren't able to understand it, I just make whatever needs to happen happen. UP isn't about getting consent for everything, that's Consensual Living, and the two are often confused. UP is about not using behavioral techniques like rewards and punishment. So if my dd has to get into the car and doesn't want to, I explain why we have to go, empahtize that she doesn't want to go, all while I'm putting her in the car. It doesn't have to be a big deal. What would be contrary to UP would be bribing her to get in the car (I'll give you a cookie if you get in the car seat), punishing for not getting in the car seat (Fine then we won't have a cookie like we planned), or prasied every time she got into the car seat in an attempt to get her to regularly get into the carseat (Good girl! Good job getting in the carseat!)

Tantrums happen. I think the thing to remember about tantrums is that they aren't about you, they aren't your tantrums, and it isn't your job to deal with them. Be there for them if/when they tantrum, briefly empathize (You sound angry, or as much as they're likely to handle, but they don't hear much when theyr'e in the thick of it), and then wait it out and offer love when it's over. What would be contrary to UP would be punishing for a tantrum, or bribing to stop tantruming, or praising when the child doesn't tantrum. Or withholding love to try to keep more tantrums from happening. I would suggest also not feeding the drama of the tantrum by getting upset as well. The ultimate lesson to be learned by tantrums is, "We don't always get what we want, but it's OK, and all the fuss ends up having no effect on anything." Try not to let the fuss have a huge effect on you.

Also, whether a child has tantrums really doesn't have anything to do with you. I have two kids, parented exactlly the same way and by the same people with the same parenting style, and one had tantrums so extreme and for so long that a nurse friend suggested they might actually be seizures. The other one is pushing 3 and hasn't had a tantrum yet. It's all temperament. That means you don't get the credit for your child not having tantrums, but it also means you shouldn't feel bad if he does at some point have a tantrum.

[rubidoux]

I have managed to avoid punishing, bribing and threatening without feeling too put out.  lol  I actually think those things become sort of habitual if you do them and if you have been doing them and want to stop, it will probably take some getting used to.  In time, I think you just develop another way of doing things.  I don't know that I have any real techniques that I rely on  --  but if things are going badly, I do consciously ask myself "is he hungry or tired?" and the answer is probably yes nine times out of ten.  

I also try to plan for situations that will be difficult.  I don't bribe (ie, there is no "if you're good while I'm talking to the doctor, you can have a lollipop after") but I don't see any reason not to bring a lollipop with me to the doctor's to keep my little one busy and happy.  

Just recently both of my boys have become absurdly defiant.  lol  I don't think it's UP!  But who knows.  When it's happening though, I do try to remind myself that it is age appropriate and probably healthy (I'd worry if they never were, right?).  With my little one, I do pull back on the freedoms if he can't handle them yet.  For example, a couple of weeks ago we went to the grocery store and he sat in one of those carts with the toy car thing.  I didn't strap him in, partly out of laziness and partly because I was hoping that I could just tell him he needs to stay seated and then he'd do it.   Well, he was in and out and running around and mostly a huge pita.  lol  BUT, rather than being offended and horrified that he wasn't listening to me, I kinda felt like, eh, that experiment didn't work out so well.  He had a fun shopping trip, which is a bonus.  But next time, unless I'm up for him having another similar fun trip, I'll just go ahead and strap him in.  I cannot imagine that punishing or lecturing or threatening would do any good anyway.  He's just not old enough to to act the way I need him to without being strapped in.  

With my older one, I do sometimes point out what's going on.  Like, if it was him jumping in and out of the cart like that, I might say to him something along the lines of, "I don't feel comfortable with you jumping in and out and if you can't just stay seated on your own, I'm going to have to strap you in."  It wouldn't be a punishment or a threat, I'd just be saying, "this is what I need to happen here and either you can be strapped in, or not if you can handle it."  Or I could see next time saying, "oh no, I don't want to use one of those carts because it's so hard for me to have you running around the store like last time," and maybe he'd agree to not run around or we'd decide he could be strapped in.  So, as you can see, some of this is just semantics.  If I worded it a little differently it might be a punishment.  But I am not thinking of it as a punishment, just a way to get what I need to happen to happen.  And only after I decide it is really a worthwhile goal in the first place.

I hope that made some sense.  My kids are climbing all over me as I write.  :)

[nstewart]

Originally Posted by rubidoux 

I also try to plan for situations that will be difficult.  I don't bribe (ie, there is no "if you're good while I'm talking to the doctor, you can have a lollipop after") but I don't see any reason not to bring a lollipop with me to the doctor's to keep my little one busy and happy.  

I see the distinction.  This is helpful.  I usually give DS a treat while we are grocery shopping to keep him occupied but was wondering if this was inappropriate.  But it isn't a bribe or a reward it is just a treat that he gets to keep him happy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by mamazee 

Reasoning: I give a kid the reason, but if they aren't able to understand it, I just make whatever needs to happen happen. UP isn't about getting consent for everything, that's Consensual Living, and the two are often confused. UP is about not using behavioral techniques like rewards and punishment. 

Tantrums happen. I think the thing to remember about tantrums is that they aren't about you, they aren't your tantrums, and it isn't your job to deal with them. Be there for them if/when they tantrum, briefly empathize (You sound angry, or as much as they're likely to handle, but they don't hear much when theyr'e in the thick of it), and then wait it out and offer love when it's over. What would be contrary to UP would be punishing for a tantrum, or bribing to stop tantruming, or praising when the child doesn't tantrum. Or withholding love to try to keep more tantrums from happening. I would suggest also not feeding the drama of the tantrum by getting upset as well. The ultimate lesson to be learned by tantrums is, "We don't always get what we want, but it's OK, and all the fuss ends up having no effect on anything." Try not to let the fuss have a huge effect on you.

I don't have difficulty conceptualizing or understanding the no punishment or bribe aspect of the book.  It makes total sense to me.  I guess I focused quite a bit on the respect aspect and also on how sensative kids are to your underlying emotions. 

And regarding praise, I suppose that because this is how behaviours were largely re-inforced in my family I am trying to think of ways of teaching that are an alternative to this.  I understand it conceptually, I just need to have opportunities to apply it I guess.  I still feel like I don't know what UP looks like "in action" so if someone has a resource or two (maybe with more examples?) it would be helpful to me.

Anyway, I am probably over-thinking things and will learn as I go, I just was hoping for some insight as I do agree with the book, I just want to know where to go from here. 

[caetlinh]

I also have questions regarding this philosophy, as I feel like we praise DD a lot!  I'm coming form the other perspective of someone who didn't grow up with any praise, and feel as though it was missing from my upbringing, and now am very hard on myself with high expectations, so where do we draw the line?  For example, when 13 month old DD crawls over to the piano and starts playing away, she always looks to us for praise, then we clap our hands and say "yay, what a good job."  And the same goes for new skills that she learns, like how to put the spoon in her mouth without missing and doing a somersault.  You can see in her eyes that she's proud and when we give her praise she is just beaming -so is this bad?!

[ASusan]

Caetlinh - she looks to you, but not necessarily for praise. Try to think of it as "she's trying to share her enthusiasm" for accomplishing a feat. Stop at "Yay!" - she doesn't need the "good job!" attached to it. Praise takes away her ownership of her accomplishment. With "good job!", now YOU'RE the one with ownership (you've judged her; deemed it good) over her accomplishments. You've taken away a (albeit small) piece of her budding autonomy. Let her have it, and SHARE it with her with the delighted "yay!."  She'll beam just as much, I promise. And yes, the difference is subtle, but it adds up.

With "good job", you've also taken a step toward an unequal relationship. Yes, parent-child relationship is inherently unequal. But when we praise and reward, we tip the balance even further. And when one person has (almost all) the power in a relationship, it is a relationship that is potentially threatening. ("If I don't do xxx to please my parent, she won't love me anymore.") So, praise not only takes away autonomy, it also has an effect on relatedness.

[hildare]

We try to do this. 

I love the book, the philosophy, and how it fits our values as a family. 

With a younger one, a small toddler, I found much to my surprise, that "time ins" really, really worked for us. 

Now, as a human, it's kind of difficult for me personally to remove myself from my anger, which is a hard journey and i am working hard to get there-- but for the effect on dd's behavior when she was little?  amazing.  time in removed her from the source of her frustration, which is often all it takes at that age to take the tantrum out. 

I think, now, as she's growing older, it has a lot to do with the way that she does listen.  (usually) I can explain how/why something is dangerous, and i can feel pretty confident that she won't do it/touch it.  I think too that explaining, even when she was much younger, helped her get words more quickly and become a very verbal and understanding child. 

for not praising-- nobody's perfect-- but i try to make observational statements if something seems called for.  such as.. doesn't it feel good to pee in your potty?  it's much better for your bottom to not wear diapers!  (etc. and etc.  can you tell what we're working on these days?)

or... instead of "good job" etc.  maybe... something like "you really picked up your blocks and put them back in the wagon quickly!  It looks much nicer in the living room now."    we just try to call attention to her actions and kind of emphasize why they're the "right" thing to do rather than just hand out verbal praise for doing it (b/c kids get attached to the praise, supposedly, but for me it kind of feels more like shifting the reason for the praise back onto the child's actions-- like she did it to make the room clean, not because i told her to...)  I try also to tell her how i appreciate her listening or helping when i feel like it was something unusual or i am sincere in my thanks...  i will also try to discuss the behavior of other children with her (in an open ended way) such as: did you notice that x did not listen to his mommy?  what do you think he could have done differently, etc.  (but sparingly, i don't want to be moralistic or pedantic about obedience, etc. with her... it's interesting to hear her thoughts, too!)

[caetlinh]

Phew! I have to say, I think we all think/wonder/ponder and worry too much about all of the minuscule ins and outs of parenting.  This is just my opinion of course, but I truly feel like this is one of the biggest dilemmas that us parents face in today's society, "which expert guru to follow."  Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad.  I think there could be too much, and I DO agree that 13 month old DD will beam just as wide with "yay" as with the additional "good job."  But to say that it creates a power struggle relationship is stretching it.  If you worry that your children will become "dependent" on your praise and stressed out without it, then perhaps it should be followed with an explanation of how that's not the case.  How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?

[hildare]

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Phew! I have to say, I think we all think/wonder/ponder and worry too much about all of the minuscule ins and outs of parenting.  This is just my opinion of course, but I truly feel like this is one of the biggest dilemmas that us parents face in today's society, "which expert guru to follow."  Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad.  I think there could be too much, and I DO agree that 13 month old DD will beam just as wide with "yay" as with the additional "good job."  But to say that it creates a power struggle relationship is stretching it.  If you worry that your children will become "dependent" on your praise and stressed out without it, then perhaps it should be followed with an explanation of how that's not the case.  How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?
 

the OP was asking for advice from people who follow UP.  Have you read the book yourself?  That might answer some of your questions. 

It almost sounds as though you are asking parents to defend choices here... do you have actual questions?  Or are you being critical without having read the book that is being discussed-- it's hard to tell.

Personally, I do feel that unconditional parenting has everything to do with "go[o]d old fashioned common sense and good intentions."

[caetlinh]

Anyway, just hoping for some discussion about this from those who have tried UP and even from those who have read and learned about it but don't agree with the ideas.

Thanks!

Actually, she was asking for both, and I'm not trying to criticize other parents at all!  I see the value in all that parents choose to do, we're all different and we'll raise different kids, and that's what keep things interesting.  I HAVE read the book, and there's a lot in there that I like and agree with, and there's some that I don't.  The praise thing is one of them, obviously, but I'm thankful for having an open space where people can share their ideas and opinions without needing to necessarily agree.  

[mamazee]

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Phew! I have to say, I think we all think/wonder/ponder and worry too much about all of the minuscule ins and outs of parenting.  This is just my opinion of course, but I truly feel like this is one of the biggest dilemmas that us parents face in today's society, "which expert guru to follow."  Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad.  I think there could be too much, and I DO agree that 13 month old DD will beam just as wide with "yay" as with the additional "good job."  But to say that it creates a power struggle relationship is stretching it.  If you worry that your children will become "dependent" on your praise and stressed out without it, then perhaps it should be followed with an explanation of how that's not the case.  How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?

The way praise is used now is not "good old fashioned parenting." It's a new concept that came about in the 70s, and was called the Self-Esteem Movement. It was an experiment, with people assuming it would make kids happier, because if a little praise feels good, tons must be even better, right? But it isn't that simple.

Anyway, I'm not sure how open you are to reconsidering, but here's an article you might like to read: http://www.alfiekohn.org/parenting/gj.htm

Edited by mamazee - 10/18/11 at 12:52pm

[nstewart]

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Phew! I have to say, I think we all think/wonder/ponder and worry too much about all of the minuscule ins and outs of parenting.  This is just my opinion of course, but I truly feel like this is one of the biggest dilemmas that us parents face in today's society, "which expert guru to follow."  Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad.  I think there could be too much, and I DO agree that 13 month old DD will beam just as wide with "yay" as with the additional "good job."  But to say that it creates a power struggle relationship is stretching it.  If you worry that your children will become "dependent" on your praise and stressed out without it, then perhaps it should be followed with an explanation of how that's not the case.  How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?

 Sometimes I do think I am over-thinking things, but at the same time I do think that as a parent there is always more to learn in order to do better for my child.  And I know I will make mistakes and hopefully my child will do better than me when he is a parent, and so on.  Wanting to learn more and be a better parent doesn't mean that I believe I need to follow an "expert guru" but does mean that I am open to learning more about different philosophies, some of which I will agree with and others I won't based on my "commen sense and good intentions".  And when those philosophies are backed up by studies and information, its important to at least consider them before rejecting them.

As for praise, I think it can do harm.  While I am a very confident person who is self-motivated I am a praise seeker and feel dissapointed when I don't get praise at work, etc.  Even though I know this is silly.  I don't want my DS to have the same issue.  And, "Do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what" is often said, but less often meant.  That was my other experience growing up.  My mom often said it, but what she meant was "I'll be proud of you if doing your best means that you get an A, follow my wishes, etc. etc."

Thank-you for you thoughts, I did/do want to hear all perspectives and was hoping for a discussion.

[Jewels*]

I looooove the philosophies in UP, and try to apply them when interacting with DD all the time.  However I was in the exact same place as you after reading the book... "ok but i need some EXAMPLES"

Another really good book with a lot of examples is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk".  I think the two really go hand in hand.  It's like UP is the theory and How to talk is the practice....

(nak- please excuse the poor formatting etc)

[rubidoux]

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Phew! I have to say, I think we all think/wonder/ponder and worry too much about all of the minuscule ins and outs of parenting.  This is just my opinion of course, but I truly feel like this is one of the biggest dilemmas that us parents face in today's society, "which expert guru to follow."  Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad.  I think there could be too much, and I DO agree that 13 month old DD will beam just as wide with "yay" as with the additional "good job."  But to say that it creates a power struggle relationship is stretching it.  If you worry that your children will become "dependent" on your praise and stressed out without it, then perhaps it should be followed with an explanation of how that's not the case.  How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?

It wasn't hard for me to decide which expert guru to follow, if that's what you could say I'm doing.  My parenting behavior has changed very little since I read UP.  I was drawn to it because I already thought punishment, bribing and threatening were all wrong and I refused to do it.  So it was nice to see a scholarly discussion of why it's the wrong way to go and it was also nice just to have someone agree with that philosophy who had put a lot of thought into it and made it his life's work.  My husband had talked a lot about the pitfalls of too much praise because he felt that he was hurt by it.  I didn't have any strong feelings about it myself, but now that I've read the book I do try to limit it as much as I can feel comfortable.  I do say "yay!" alot, as other posters have said.  lol  I do think Alfie Kohn is great and I am happy that someone like that exists, but it's not as if I'm a blind follower or something.

Originally Posted by Jewels* 

I looooove the philosophies in UP, and try to apply them when interacting with DD all the time.  However I was in the exact same place as you after reading the book... "ok but i need some EXAMPLES"

Another really good book with a lot of examples is "How to Talk so Kids will Listen, and Listen so Kids will Talk".  I think the two really go hand in hand.  It's like UP is the theory and How to talk is the practice....

(nak- please excuse the poor formatting etc)

I've heard that book recommended before, but I didn't realize that it was consistent with UP.  I'll have to check that out because I could always use some more practical advice, especially because I can see that my new little one is going to be a little more challenging.  

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by nstewart 

  For example, I LOVED playing competative sports and don't think that competition is inherintly bad and also think that learning team work through sports is good (but that's not to say I'm right). I struggle with the idea of not praising DS, but understand from the book why such judgments can be unhelpful.  That said, I generally agree with his ideas and want to work at becoming an "unconditional parent". 

UP hadn't been written yet when my kids were very young, but I carefully studied Punished by Rewards (by the same author) and worked hard to apply the concepts fully to my parenting, and I suspect the books say many similar things.

Both my kids are competitive swimmers and it's been wonderful for them. Competitive sports, like a lot of things, are what the people involved make of them.

The praise issue is more difficult to me to put into words how it has played out for us. I was die hard in the "no praise" camp when I first read PbR, but ultimately moved away from it because it felt unnatural and stilted to me. Getting excited about the cool things my kids do and us being excited about their accomplishments with them seems like a natural part of parenting to me.

Trying to pick my words carefully so that I didn't praise in hopes that that I wouldn't squish their inner voice and force them into a life as a praise junkie ultimately felt like I was trying to parent based on someone else's recipe out of fear. And I'm fundamental opposed to fear based parenting!

Originally Posted by ASusan 

With "good job", you've also taken a step toward an unequal relationship. Yes, parent-child relationship is inherently unequal. But when we praise and reward, we tip the balance even further. And when one person has (almost all) the power in a relationship, it is a relationship that is potentially threatening. ("If I don't do xxx to please my parent, she won't love me anymore.") So, praise not only takes away autonomy, it also has an effect on relatedness.

I don't buy this anymore. My kids ARE loved unconditionally and they know that. They also know that if they trash the bathroom when they are in there, it annoys me. They know that when they have a parent teacher conference and the teacher says all wonderful things, it makes me happy. Those things aren't secrets. They also don't effect how much I love them.

Sure, there are lots of times that describing works well. But there are some behaviors that are inherently more desirable than others, and part of our job is to "socialize" our kids -- to teach them to interact with others, to live with others, to be productive. Not all decisions are equally as positive for a child and the people around them.

I think that part of the "don't praise" philosophy is based on the idea that we don't need to let our kids know which choices are better. That either all choices are equal, or that that kids will be able to figure out which one's are more desirable without our input.

Originally Posted by caetlinh 

Whatever happened to gold old fashioned common sense and good intentions?  No matter what we do, we'll do something wrong or will be blamed for it later, and of course it's important to get lots of different insights on things, but I have a very hard time wrapping my mind around the idea that praise is bad. ... How many times have we all been in a softball game as a kid and had our parent or coach say, "do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what."  So what words of wisdom are we supposed to send them off with now? Or are do we simply extinguish all games so that we can avoid having to make that decision?

I read a lot of authors and tried things out, but ultimately, fall into what felt right in my heart, which for me, includes genuinely being excited with my kids for their accomplishments. I also think that good intentions go along way. My kids are now 13 and 15, and I do believe that in spite of getting some things wrong along the way, the fact that I parent intentionally and do my best to treat them with respect has gone a long way toward them knowing they are loved no matter what.

In other words, I didn't have to get it perfect or do it exactly some author says I should for my kids to understand that I'm a human being who, in spite of my own flaws, loves them deeply and is always on their side.

The words of wisdom I give me kids are less formulaic than "do your best, I'll be proud no matter what."  Last summer in a swim meet one of my kids was disqualified in the finals over a mis-step in her start -- a mistake that she's been past for YEARS. She was teary afterward, and I put an arm around her and told her how proud I was for her for finishing her event strong, even though she knew that she had been DQed, that I thought it showed strength of  character.   One of my friends was talking to her DD after a softball game that her DD's team had lost, and they talked details about the game, and about how overall, the DD's team had done well to hold them to score they had considered how mismatched the teams were.

I see parents really watching their kids, being honest, looking for specific, positive things to say. I think where I differ from Kohn is that I think being POSITIVE is a good thing, I think being EXCITED with our kids is a good thing.  I think kids naturally enjoy that, and look for it because they are social creatures. I think it's natural for parents.

Originally Posted by nstewart 

As for praise, I think it can do harm.  While I am a very confident person who is self-motivated I am a praise seeker and feel dissapointed when I don't get praise at work, etc.  Even though I know this is silly.  I don't want my DS to have the same issue.  And, "Do your best, I'll be proud of you no matter what" is often said, but less often meant.  That was my other experience growing up.  My mom often said it, but what she meant was "I'll be proud of you if doing your best means that you get an A, follow my wishes, etc. etc."

I think it does come back to intentions.

My own parents are toxic, and my mom starts lots of sentences with "You know what you should do..."  there is a constant stream of judgment from her, and when she does praise, it's just a continuation of that judgment.

It's really different from dropping judgments to the greatest degree possible, and then just being in the moment with one's child.

[mamazee]

I don't know of anything in UP that would indicate that parents shouldn't help their children figure out how to make good choices. Only that you shouldn't punish or reward to force them to make the best choice.

Also, there is nothing in UP against getting excited with or for or by our children, or about being positive around our children, only specifically about praising. Particularly manipulative praise, used as a behavior technique. He's only an anti-behaviorist. I don't get the feeling he's harsh or unfeeling or wooden around his kids at all.