Help me figure out my options

[Partaria]

Working Mamas...

First off, huge huge respect to all of you. I had a baby four months ago, and I never knew it would be this difficult to go back to work and leave him. Going out and earning is hard work, and I am now even more in awe of all the mamas that do it.

I need some advice from all of you about whether to stick this out, or to do something radical to change my situation.

Okay, here's my story:

DS was born 4 months ago. I have suffered from pretty severe post-partum depression. I feel like I am only just climbing out of it. I now have a very strong bond with my baby, and leaving him to go to work feels like someone is knifing me in the heart. I can barely stand it. I think of him every moment I'm here, and I can't get anything done. I feel like my heart is crying out to be with him.

Our financial situation kind of makes that an impossibility. My husband works a full-time job, but makes very little money. He doesn't have a college degree, and has no interest in obtaining one. He makes much less money than I do, and earns a wage he couldn't even support himself on. He has been applying to tons of things since DS was born, but with no luck. In this economy, I would say we're lucky he has a job and that his prospects for something better ain't so hot. Currently, he works 3am-12pm.

I was able to wrangle another month of maternity leave (unpaid of course) out of my employer. But I'm back now, at part-time to begin with. They've told me that they won't keep me on part-time. In "4-8 weeks" they say they'll be "re-evaluating" my part-time status. We're a smallish startup and I know for a fact that the CEO doesn't like part-time workers. I have a feeling it'll be "come back full time or ship out."

So I'll have to come back full-time. But, the bad thing is that I don't really make a ton of money either. And my husband and I could afford a few hours of childcare during the day from a nanny- maybe 3 hours at most. But that will set us up for basically a life of split shifts. So, he would go to work. Nanny would come. I would leave for work. DH would come home. Nanny would leave. Then I would eventually come home with about an hour to spare before we all have to get into bed. I'd see DH maybe, oh 30 minutes every day? A little more if he brings DS to my workplace for lunch.

I worry in that scenario that DH and I drift apart, and that my family will be unable to sustain that lifestyle very long.

On top of all this, I don't even like my job. I never really have. Most of the people I work with are unhappy and looking for other jobs. My dream is to go back to school to become a LCSW, but I feel I cannot pursue that until DS is a bit older.

So what are my options here? I have researched WAHM opportunities ad nauseum and nothing seems like it would bring in what we need to make monthly bills. And before you ask, yes, we have cut down on EVERYTHING. We EBF, cloth diaper, we have one car (that we own outright, so no payments), we don't have cable, we eat out MAYBE once every two months, we buy our clothes at thrift stores. We live very, very simply.

I am wondering if I need to simply make peace with the fact that I have to be my family's breadwinner. Can that be done? Does this feeling of being wrenched from my beautiful baby boy get any easier?

I've got a job interview with another company in town for a position that (hopefully) pays better. So maybe DH could stay home? Or he could work part-time. But the fact is, even though I want something better for myself and my family, I don't actually want to work outside the home.

I've read on several WAHM sites that sometimes mamas just quit their jobs and find a way to make it work. Find a way to keep the lights on, to eat, to pay the rent. But I fear doing something so radical. I'm afraid my rash decision will land my family in some serious financial troubles, and I wonder if I am being selfish in my desire to just quit my job and let the chips fall. It's just that right now, all I can see is how much I want to be with my child. And how much being away from him eight hours a day feels rotten.

Help me, wise mamas. What would you do if in my shoes? Does this feeling get easier? Or should I just quit and try to piece together part-time work and employment to keep the lights on?

[MotheringBliss]

I've had jobs where I could bring my babe with me...consignment store, maternity shop, nanny, elderly aid, housecleaner, pet care, horse stable hand...The wages are modest, but the amount of energy it took for me to maintain composure when I could FEEL my baby needing me and my milk letting down was far too much.

On site jobs like remodels, housing in exchange for help or caretaking have helped immensely with expenses.  Community resources have kept clothing, food, and furniture costs down.  Craigslist is awesome.

I have found that once I've made a pervasive decision from my heart, the solutions eventually presented themselves.

That "knife through the heart" feeling has never lessened for me after 12 years of parenting. Eventhough I periodically rail against a perceived "lack of things and freedom", I find that healing my own childhood wounds comes easier when I'm fully connected with my children and subsequently, more options come fourth.

It's difficult but completely possible.

[Mosaic]

Oh hon, For me, the "knife through the heart" feeling became substantially better when my PPD was well under control and as my children got older. Just scan the boards and you'll see tons of wonderful, loving AP parents who thoroughly enjoy having something to do that gives them a break from the terrible-two's (and threes!).

We've done the split-shift thing, and it is challenging. I also worried that it would be too much of a strain on our little family. But we did settle into a nice routine; and it has its benefits, one of which is that it forces you to make the time you DO spend together solid, quality time. We have since shifted back to both of us working traditional schedules, and it's hard to get "our" time in around everything else we have going on. I will also say that the split-shift thing was miserable when I was very sick and pregnant with #2 and after #2 was born and had some special needs, so we're lucky that DH's work schedule changed shortly thereafter.

I'd recommend job-hunting. I love my job, so that makes it a TON easier. DH doesn't love his job, but he likes it ok and is paid well, so that helps. If neither of you like where you are and are working a ton just to get by, I think it's an unsustainable situation. There are jobs out there that don't require degrees but still make good money; they may not be glamorous and may require physical labor, but if your husband is willing/able to consider other opportunities, there may be something different out there for both of you.

[Xerxella]

Hugs momma.  Well, I've been back to work full time since July and honestly the knife through the heart thing hasn't gotten any better.  For me, it's just what has to be done.  Honestly, if you're not making THAT much now, I would consider different jobs in which you could bring baby along, such as a nanny position.  I don't know where in Wisconsin you are, but in Chicago you'd be making a minimum of $500 a week (usually under the table). 

If something like that is impossible, than maybe you can take comfort in the fact that, so far at least, it doesn't stop sucking, but you do get used to it.  Everybody gets used to it.  And, it just becomes the new norm.  The kids LOVE the nanny (which it's own kind of pain) and slowly my kids are stopping asking when I'm going to stay home with them everyday.  :( 

BTW, if you do stay at work you may want to look at in home day cares over a nanny because they're usually less expensive.  Or, you could look for a stay at home mom in your neighborhood possibly with school age children who would be happy for a little extra money. 

Good luck in whatever you decide. 

[caetlinh]

HI Mama, I also feel your pains, it's really hard to leave them, especially when they're so little!  I had to go back to work at 6 weeks and I do 16 hr overnight shifts so I felt like I was leaving her forever.  My husband and I also do split shifts, and go three days and two nights in a row each week without ever even seeing each other, just so our kiddo can be home with one of us at all times.  right now I carry three different part time jobs, and they all revolve around being able to be with the baby -I'm a tax collector which i can do from home, and I take in another child my daughters age to make extra income.  I'm also in school FT -I go to a school that's non residency, so you can do all of your work from home -you only have to go to the actual school for 10 days each semester. SO ANYWAY, my point is, there's ways it can be done.  I would stick out your job while searching for other options -definitely consider opening a daycare or becoming a nanny for a while or scanning craigslist and your local papers for jobs that can be done form home!  GOOD LUCK!  

[porcelina]

I was thinking about this post this morning as I was getting ready. I just started back 30 hours, 5 days a week in Sept, and I still miss my 12 month old a ton! I also miss my almost 4 year old, but I know he doesn't need me quite as much as he did when he was a baby. DS2 just feels when it's time for me to leave, and gets very clingy. He still has a lot of separation anxiety. So, yeah, the knife through the heart is still there, but it feels less acute as they get older. With a 4 month old, it's especially strong!!!! I started back on a limited number of hours (12) when DS2 was 4 months, and I can't tell you how many times I had let down, and would confirm he was crying at that time, even though he was a couple of miles away. It's just amazing how connected we are with our little ones. Biology does it's best to keep us with them!!!

I think you just have to do whatever feels right to you. The split shift thing is indeed hard, but honestly, how many of us have that much quality time with our partners when not on such a schedule??? We have to make time for date nights anyway, especially with 2, since we are always either both busy with one, or passing off the two. And, making special family activities for the weekends will help. If that kind of a schedule is an option for you, I'd look into it.

The other suggestions of jobs where you can bring your baby are also nice. I personally can't really concentrate when baby is around -- just want to be with him! But, I guess it works for some people!

Good luck! You will do what is best for your family.

[bluedaisy]

Do you enjoy being with other kids?  I have a friend who has an in home daycare and makes about 30,000 a year.  She has an assistant so she's not by herself all the time.  It also saves money on childcare, professional clothes, gas money, etc.

I saw your other post on transcription - my sister does transcription. You'll probably have to train for at least 6 months though so it's not something you could do immediately.  My sister's program was 6 months and cost $2500 but they provided a laptop with a foot pedal and guaranteed job placement.  I don't know what program it was but you can PM me if you want more info.  The hardest thing for her is that it has to be quiet for her to work, so she feels like all her time without kids is spent working and she doesn't have much time with her DH or much down time. 

[hildare]

currently i woh and my dh is a sahd and we're pretty happy.  it sucks more than i can say to be away from my kid, but we're making it, she's happy, and we have plenty of opportunity for bonding and learning together.   now that she's 2, it's lots easier than it was at first.  i don't want to work either, but it's the best of the available options for us and it's keeping us financially stable.  (which if i prioritized a list, that would have to come above my desire to stay home, unfortunately)

why can't you go to school now, though?  would you with your current income qualify for Pell and some other aid to offset some living expenses?  (NOT borrowing loans, but other financial aid)  is that something you'd be able to look into?  or if you have the background could you enter a social work program of some kind and see how you do with that?  that would pay off eventually.

[Partaria]

Thank you all, mamas!

I appreciate the outpouring of compassion and great advice. I also have a happy update to share with you all. I got that new job I interviewed for. The pay is lots better, as are the benefits. Both my husband and I will have health insurance going forward (he was going to give his up to help make ends meet). Woot!!! In addition, this means we can afford to put DS in a small, in-home daycare for the mornings, five days a week. We found one we feel very good about that is just five minutes from where my husband works. He will be able to pick up our son at noon, when he's off work, and the two of them will drive over to where I will be working so we can all have lunch. Then, we'll have evenings together as a family. No split shifts!!

I'm going to look into going back to school sooner rather than later- you're right, I guess I'm not sure why I'm waiting. Anyway, this isn't my ultimate dream of winning the lotto and raising my child to be barefoot and wild on a Hawaiian beach, but it will certainly do for now. :)

Thanks for all the love.