How to deal with intense separation anxiety in almost 3 year old

[bluedaisy]

DD is almost 3 and has been having a difficult time with separation anxiety lately...I work part time at a university and she's at a babysitter from 6 to 12 hours a week, plus another 1-3 hours where I have meetings and she is with my husband.

I take her to a regular babysitter mon, fri, and every other wed from 9-12.  She has been going there for 6 weeks now.  Every single time we go she tells me all morning, mama i don't want to go, stay with me mama, i dont want you to leave, etc.  She often cries when I leave and a few times she has physically clung to me so it's hard for me to leave.

She even gets really upset sometimes when I leave her with my DH and will cry, chase after me, etc.

I've been trying to take her to the nursery for church but most Sundays she just sits in church with us for the whole service.  We go to a small group where there is childcare but she usually just sits with us.  She has gone twice adn lasted for about 10 minutes each time before she starts screaming hysterially and they bring her back to me.

I also have a moms groups I go to every other week and last year she loved going in to play with the other kids but at all three meetings so far this year she has refused to go in and I've kept her with me.

We've had several transitions lately - we had been staying with my parents for the summer because of an internship opportunity for my husband in their city.  She LOVED living wtih my parents. I don't work in the summers so I was with her 24/7. In late July we came back to campus and I started work again Aug 1st.  Dh had been commuting part time to a nearby city 2 hours away but about a month ago got a full time job working night shifts so his schedule has changed adn it's very unpredictable.  And I'm almost 6 months pregnant.  DH is stressed often about work and finances and our future plans and I'm sure she picks up on that. 

I realize this is probably normal developmentally, but I don't know how to deal with it.  I have to take her to her regular babysitter because I have to work.  I HATE hearing her complain and I would love to SAH but financially we really don't have a choice right now...my job provides us our housing.  I try not to let her see this and just reassure her that she always has fun and i'll be back.

But in the other circumstances I don't push it and let her stay with me while trying to encourage her to go play with the other kids.  I get lots of disapproval from others because they think I am being too soft on her and she'll never get over it if I keep letting her stay with me. 

Should I push her a little more even if she gets upset, or should I just minimize separations for now until she passes through this stage?

[Evie P.]

I think your little one is very right and that you should do whatever you can not to push her.  She is still so very very young!  My son was like this, and the journey led us to homeschooling, and the more you allow them to stay with the family, as they long so rightly to do, the more you realize how much better it is for you all.  I resisted this too, and I was, like you, always having to fend off judging comments from others.  But I slowly found ways to adjust my work schedule so that my boy could be with me or my husband and only with sitters a little bit, and that at home where he was more comfortable, and the reward is a happy, strong, confident boy, now six, who knows his place in the world and feels safe -- and who is much closer to his little sister than all his schooled friends are to their siblings because they are together so much, as kids were in all periods of history til this century!  I still have to fend off comments now that we homeschool -- but you can be a light to others with your choices, and that might require fending off comments and having a joyful child as a result to add to that light!  It is easier for us because we own a restaurant and live in NYC, but as a teacher maybe you can teach courses at night when your husband can be home?  Or work at home while a sitter plays with her but you are nearby?

I had a conversation with Naomi Aldort when I was struggling as you are now, and I was really furious when I got off the phone with her, but as time passed and I kept adjusting to avoid hurting him, I realized she was right about trusting our children and not pushing them to move away from us until they are ready.  It might take a few years longer than you thought it would, but in the span of your life with her, it is only a second!  (Her book, Raising Children, Raising Ourselves, is def worth a read -- sometimes she goes a little too far but overall I think her ideas are so helpful and true.)

[lovepickles]

As someone who suffered from extreme separation anxiety as the child of a flight attendant I'd say no to additional pushing. Do what you can to stay with her, when you can. When you can't get her a watch and tell her when you will see her again and let her know she can look at it and think of you ... maybe you can get a matching one to wear when you guys are apart. But any sort of trinket will do.

And don't listen to people that tell you she needs to toughen up, etc. Just be as loving and supportive as you can. Use pictures, trinkets, etc to comfort when you aren't there.

Good luck. <3