Parents flipping out

[MrsKatie]

I'm posting here because DH and I haven't decided whether we are doing selective/delayed vaxing or forgoing vaxing altogether...  probably the former.

Anyway, I have never had any intention of discussing our choices (not circumcising, delaying or not vaxing, etc) with my parents (or with anyone, really), but they have repeatedly brought up both of these issues.  Tonight, my mom mentioned that my sister said to her that I wasn't convinced I was going to vaccinate (I don't even remember saying this to her) and my mom said "You're not really considering not vaccinating, are you?"  I didn't even want to discuss it... I just said "I'm doing research."  She went OFF.  She said I was endangering someone else's life ("It's not even YOUR life you're endangering, it's someone else's!" -- um, ok, but it's my JOB to make these decisions for my baby!), and that I "shouldn't question 21st century medicine."

I mostly stayed quiet and responded as little as possible.  Like I said, I am NOT INTERESTED in discussing this with her.  I know how she feels, I know how my dad feels, they think it's dangerous and insane not to vax on schedule, and I think it's dangerous and insane TO vax as much as babies are these days, and we simply will not agree on this.  That's ok.

But I know them, and they will continue to bring it up...

I'm so upset right now.

How do you deal with family who don't agree with your parenting choices?  That question is pretty huge and answering it would take way too long, so just stick to how you deal with family's reactions to your vaxing choices...

Thanks!

[ma2two]

Just from what I've read on this forum, things will probably not get better, no matter how much information you give your parents. If I were in your situation, I'd tell my parents not to worry, because I had decided to vaccinate.

If you don't want to do that though, you could point out the fact that you only got the DTP, polio, and MMR if you were born before 1989.

I guess it's pure luck you didn't die from hepatitis B, rotavirus, Hib, pnuemococcal, flu, chickenpox, or

hepatitis A.

[nia82]

Sadly I agree about not telling the truth. You won't get people off your back, keep it quiet. I have no troubles with my parents and older sister, but my other sister not so much (anti-homebirth-birthing center, vaccinates against everything and makes her doc give her son extra doses and signed up for a vaccine trial, gives antibiotics for everything under the sun and so on).... I keep it vague, just say yes we did that whatever she asked and distract. Not worth the fighting. Some people just cannot agree to disagree.

[MrsKatie]

Thanks for your responses.  I know this is just the beginning of the advice and upset that come from well-meaning others re: raising my baby.

My parents can't help themselves when it comes to butting in to things like this.  Fortunately, DH's parents never meddle in our business, so I guess it evens out in the long run...

[Swan3]

Oh soooo feeling your pain right now. My Mom now knows it's not up for discussion. But there are still other parenting issues that come up of course. My stock answer is "That is a discussion for another day, how's..." work, your garden, your hip, etc....

[Mama2Rio]

my mother went off on me too, we did a few (not most) and never followed the schedule. my father just was a little surprised and asked for reasoning and felt i was being reasonable after explaining some facts and since i was being 'selective' it gave him a more reason to believe in what i was saying. it's really no ones business and the only reason it came up with us was because i was asked about DD's visits and how many shots she got, ect. otherwise, they would have never known. i have one brother who is very anti-vax and we talk about it, but i don't talk about not-vaxing with any one else. just don't bring it up or change the topic if you can. good luck to you!

[SilverMoon010]

I don't agree with lying to them, telling them you are vaccinating according to schedule (or whatever the case may be) just to quiet them up.  I really don't think that is the way to go, but then again, I'm not in the situation (plus, I'm a terrible liar).   However, I would tell them that it is YOUR decision to make and that it's not up for discussion.  I would be adament and tight-lipped about it if they continue to bring it up and just change the subject. They'll get the point that you're the one in charge when it comes to the health of your child. They had their time to make their parenting choices and now it's your time to do what you feel is best for your child.

[Lisa85]

Cut them off every single time they bring it up.  "Mom, I love you but we will never agree.  Do not bring it up again."  If you are on the phone, hang up.  If you are at their house or in public, leave. If they are your house, escort them to the door.  If they email, respond by saying any further emails of the sort will be deleted without reading, and their email blocked. Don't argue with them, don't get into a debate, and don't explain or justify your choices.  It isn't their business and you don't need to explain, justify or defend anything.

They will get the hint after one or two times if they are any kind of reasonable people.

[prescottchels]

My mom will likely flip too when/if the subject ever comes up that I don't plan to vax, but I like how my best friend handled it w/family and docs, and that is that she said the children have all the vaxes they need, which was none, but no one needed to know that and it's not exactly a lie if you believe that they don't need any or not as many...

[seasiren]

The grandparent thing has always been difficult for me. I actually got a text from my Mom this afternoon trying to debate the polio vaccine with me again. That is why I got online, for a bit of support, so thanks for your thread. For us we started at my sons birth with very strong boundaries and have kept them ever since. So basically I just told her that she needs to trust that we have her only grandchild's best interest. She gets that it is difficult to be a parent with these modern tough choices, but ultimately she would do it differently. And yet she is not the Mom, so she needs to back off. Its not easy but setting boundaries is the only way I can deal. I am not trying to please her anymore, just trying to do what is right for our family. That is all any of us can do. My son is almost two and we are going to have to revisit the vaccine thing here again soon. Good luck.