Any Trans families out there? (x-posted in finding your tribe)

[KateDavies45]

Hi there, all the other threads on this seem to be realllllly old and locked so I thought I'd start a new one.

Anyway, any trans families out there? I'm Kate (genetic female queer type) I'm married to Justin/Liz ( MTF ) we have one 8mo DD, Caileigh and are hoping to connect with other families with similar experiances. About us, we've been friends for about 7 years, dating for 3 and married for two years this october, I met my DP as Liz before I ever met Justin and the running gag among our friends is that I only married Justin so that I could cheat on him with Liz. lol 

DP is not on hormones/had any surgeries but definetly passes as female when dressed, and though the idea of starting HRT had come up I think he's worried about how transitioning will affect DD (not so much right now, but later in life). My thought on this is that it's better to keep everything out in the open with her and not hide anything so that there's no "big secret" that she later has to be told or discover by accident - the same way some people have brown hair and some people have red hair or some people like to wear long skirts and some people like to wear pants, it's just one more thing that makes everyone different from each other and not a big deal.... Any other opinions ideas or comments on the subject are most appreciated.

[janandjesse]

we are a trans family in the making! lol i actually had my first insemination this afternoon!

my husband is a FTM transman. we just got married (a month ago...) but have been talking about having kids for 3 years so when we finally tied the knot, we decided to start right away.

its been mixed emotions and questions from excited to nervousness and absolute joy to asking ourselves "are we crazy?!?!?"...but then we go back to excitement.

have you checked out transqueernation.com? our friends are actually the founders of that site...

[prettyisa]

Hi and welcome! I'm not in a trans family situation, but I wanted to chime in and say that I think your approach is going to be by far the best for your daughter. My mom came out as a lesbian when I was in high school and my approach (telling people I knew well enough the truth, not being ashamed or hiding things) worked out a LOT better overall than my sister's (pretend our stepmom was an aunt, lie whenever pressed, worry all the time that someone might figure it out). She got over it once she got to college, but I find that the truth is easier than keeping a big secret. Good luck figuring out the best way going forward!

[KateDavies45]

JanandJesse - yeah, I know what you mean about the crazy part,  but then again, we're pretty happy even in our insanity so it's all good. Congrats on your IVF I'll keep my fingers crossed for you

Prettyisa - That was my thought. When Justin and I first started dating I tried (for like a week) not to tell my mom that he was transgendered (and almost eleven years older than me) but she can smell lies like most people smell dog poo and when it all came out, she was actually more worried about the age difference, she didn't care at all about the trans thing other than to be offended that I thought she would! lol.

As of now the only problem with that approach is that not all of his friends know. Our friends from college do, as do most of my friends, but he's worked in contracting/ construction companies and made several friends there who don't know (acording to him, I'm pretty damn sure that his good friend/boss knows and just doesn't bring it up) and friends he made when he lived near  his parents that also don't know (all construction/ car guy types who he's sure will want nothing to do with him if they found out). I guess he worries that when DD is a few years older, that she will make a comment or say something to out him if he isn't already.Howevever, having met all these people myself and known them for several years I really don't think that would be the case.

[KateDavies45]

On a lighter note - YAY! Responses!

[maxK]

I believe being honest is best for children and for your own sanity. Every person has their own relationship to their identity though.

Hi! My husband is FTM and we tried to get pregnant using artificial insemination for almost 2 years before we stopped and are now moving on to the adoption process. We are still working on our paperwork.

We have decided as a family to always be upfront and talk about our biology as well as my personal queer identity. We hope to raise our child in an environment of education and stability. I do know people who are FTM who plan to never tell their child. For me, I would fear when (if) they find out they would feel betrayed and angry. I know as I child I hated being lied to, so I would will always try to be as honest as possible with mine.

[KateDavies45]

Originally Posted by maxK 
. I do know people who are FTM who plan to never tell their child. For me, I would fear when (if) they find out they would feel betrayed and angry. I know as I child I hated being lied to, so I would will always try to be as honest as possible with mine.

I remember being mad at my parents for lying about santa being real for so long, (I was nine when I found out) I just couldn't believe that they would do that, so I can only imagine how being lied to about something this important would feel.

  I don't think it ever really crossed our minds to lie to her, but DP was very worried about it, and I suppose I'm hoping for more ways to reassure her that if we're open about it from the start it'll be a non-issue.

[maxK]

Kate,
I have seen many children grow up in alternative households here in San Francisco. Whatever the situation is, when they are with their family they will feel everything is normal. It's only when they interact with other kids, who have a different impression of 'normal', that they realize they might be different. As we are adopting too, we want to normalize our child's adoption right from the start. At any given time, children face pressures from their peers but with a strong support in place I think most children can decide on their own when they want to share personal information with their friends.
I wish you all luck.
Max

[southernfriedkarma]

Hi all - My DP is trans (FTM), and I'm 16.5 weeks pregnant with our first baby.  While he has done all the medical and legal transitioning he cares to do and easily passes as male, we are very out and active in the queer community.  We plan to be very open about DP's trans identity with our child, just as we currently are with people we care about.  I honestly couldn't even imagine the energy it would to take to hide it from our LO or the possible ramifications of doing so.  I generally think honestly is best, even when it is hard.  

[Beastie]

Hi all,

My DP is also trans (FTM), and, like southernfriedkarma, even though he's legally male etc, we're still very much queer identified and part of the queer community. I'd love to have a forum to talk more about what this means for our family as our daughter (now 7.5 months old) grows, as we start talking to her about sex and gender, and as we sort out how to talk about our family at home and out in the world.

We agree that honesty is best, of course, and we're certainly open about DP with our friends and allies, but we also know that there are many nuanced situations that we'll all have to figure out together.

Looking forward to building community here and hearing about all of your families.

Beastie

[IsobelAnais]

Hey everybody,

 I mostly joined this site because I saw this thread and was happy to see these responses. 

 I'm a transwoman who's transitioning while my partner is pregnant with our first. We ask around whenever we can but haven't ever heard of anyone in quite the same situation. 

 We haven't really talked specifically about how we'll deal with my male past when the kid's older but I don't imagine we'll hide much. As I've come out to everyone, I was surprised (but happy) to find that all of my family and friends are supportive so we'll be keeping a lot of relationships with people who knew me as a guy. I think it'll just be a part of the story of our family.

[Ravin]

Hi all! I'm currently dealing with my own gender issues, something I began confronting consciously after DS was born. I'm contemplating the possibility of transitioning after he weans, maybe with T, or maybe just top surgery, and a name change. It's scary, I have no idea how my relationships will weather it, or the kids; etc.

[Normajean3]

I am married to an FTM.  We have been married almost 2 years and have decided to get the ball going (in two weeks for our first try!) to have a baby.  I don't really know many other transfamilies in my area and would love to have some type of community, on the net or otherwise. Happy to see this thread!

[southernfriedkarma]

Ravin - That must be so much to work through with a little one.  I don't know of anyone online, but we have a local friend who transitioned when his son was in elementary school.  Everyone is happy and healthy now, so it can be done successfully.  Do you have a therapist or a good support system?

Welcome, Normajean!  Best of luck to you and your partner.  

[planet]

Hey there!  My partner is trans/genderqueer (no hormones or surgery - he appears very androgynous) and we are trying to have a  baby!  I just had my first IUI yesterday.  I'm excited to connect with other queer/trans families out there!  Thank you for starting this thread and I hope to be connecting with you  more in the future!

[esenbee2]

My husband is trans FTM. We have 1 daughter and working on a second child. He is not out to anyone but me. But we use the term daddy for our daughter and use he pronouns in the house. Our family has seemed to caught on to the he and daddy when referencing him to our daughter, though they get mixed up when referencing him to just me because they still think he is a she. Our daughter is 3, so she isn't quite to the point of being aware of specific gender differences... We plan on raising our children with a high awareness of gender stereotypes, and we will have the discussion of my husband's identity when it comes time. Right now we are just trying to make it as simple as possible for our daughter.

[jmoon]

I identify as part of the trans spectrum, some variant of genderqueer, but don't mind whatever pronouns someone wants to use for me, and I don't plan to go the hormones or surgery route.  I'm not a parent yet, but I spend a lot of time with other folks' kids, and they tend to understand, even at 2 and 3, that not everybody is a girl or a boy.  One three year old says I'm "a little bit a girl and a little bit a boy."  Another friend's kid says "sometimes you're a girl," or "today you are a boy."  I generally just agree with whatever their assessment is, or else if I'm feeling bratty, I ask them if they're sure.

So probably my kids will have a pretty flexible view of gender in general, and with my other trans friends as a part of hypothetical-kid's life as well, I would think it would be normalized.  Really, it's my kids' friends' parents I'd be worried about!

That said, my reason for writing is that I really resonated with the santa comparison!  I was pretty old when I found out, and felt completely betrayed, like I couldn't trust my parents ever again.  I think I'm a bit scarred about it, and definitely don't plan to tell my kids that santa really exists.  Probably talk about santa as a symbol, or that there's a little santa in each of us when we give to others, or something like that.

[AnnaNotherThing]

I would like to chime in regarding when to tell children about these private family matters. 

I believe the earlier you tell children about these things the better.

Secrets, no matter how well intentioned, are a bad, bad thing. And kids always know that there's something not quite right.

It reminds me of the many studies done with children who are adopted (and not told until they were 'older'), children conceived using donor eggs or sperm (and not told until they were 'older') and children from alternative families of many descriptions who grew up without clear explanations or understanding of the issues central to their family.

Most parents who wait to explain to their kids do so out of love, because they want to protect them, because they feel the kids aren't ready. But the studies show over and over again that kids who find out 'the family secret' at age 8 or 12 or 15 when they are 'old enough to understand' find the experience traumatic and isolating.  Many feel betrayed or lied to. The trust with their parents is often damaged.

Kids who 'always knew' or don't remember ever not knowing absorb this information easily and naturally, and it becomes part of who they are and how they see themselves and their family.

Children as young as 2 or 3 years old understand gender on an instinctive level. They know. They may not have sophisticated language, but I've heard 'you're a girl like me but a little bit boy, too' and 'she's not a girl like mommie. She's a girl like '(insert genderqueer nursery assistant name)' but more girl than that'.

Absolutely accurate assessments each time, in the language of a 3 year old girl.

[jmoon]

Originally Posted by AnnaNotherThing 

I've heard 'you're a girl like me but a little bit boy, too' and 'she's not a girl like mommie. She's a girl like '(insert genderqueer nursery assistant name)' but more girl than that'.

Absolutely accurate assessments each time, in the language of a 3 year old girl.

So cute and so nuanced!  Grown-ups totally underestimate kids' ability to grasp "complicated" concepts.  Maybe it's only complicated for people who learn about it when they're older and have to go through a paradigm shift in order to incorporate it.  Like learning a new language as an adult vs growing up bilingual?

[cherrycrush]

hello all...my partner is genderqueer, and i'm femme.  we tried like hell (for 3 yrs.) to get pregnant, but no such luck! (really, really hard). we are currently in the process of adoption (domestic, open) and i'm struggling.  it feels like my partner is hard for the agency staff to "get".  they end up viewing her as uninvolved/uninterested.  i'm quite sure that if i had a husband, they wouldn't expect so much and would understand that whole thing where the guy is usually a bit less obviously excited about the prospect of having a baby. i feel like they don't know how to read her.  the whole thing makes me feel anxious and sad.  i feel judged and protective of her.  and on another but related note, we are trying to figure out what our kid should call her.  she'd be so happy with "daddy" but i am concerned that because she is not officially male or transitioned, and seems just female enough, that it would cause issues for our kid later.  i just don't want to pile on the challenges.  i remember childhood well....being too different is highly uncomfortable.  anyway, that's my story!  thanks for all of your postings....

cherrycrush