Any Trans families out there? (x-posted in finding your tribe) - Page 2

[cherrycrush]

btw, forgot to mention that we are married.  spiritually and legally (massachusetts).

[planet]

Hey Cherrycrush, nice to meet you!  That sounds really tough; you guys have gone through a lot and are still going through it! It must have been hard to make the decision to switch from TTC to adoption.  And now you are facing with getting through all the red tape of the adoption system.  I've never dealt with that personally.  My mom is a retired adoption worker and so I've heard a lot from her about how difficult it can be for families wanting to adopt, especially for LGBTQ families, older families, etc. My heart is so with you guys as you go through this!  Also, as the partner of a male-identified genderqueer person who has not physically "transitioned," I hear your concerns about not wanting to make things confusing for the little one.  We're currently 8 weeks preggers, and this is something that we've been discussing quite a bit!  He really wants to go on T and start physically transitioning; he wants to be seen as the baby daddy by not just our family, but by all of society.  But he wants to wait until we are more or less settled in as parents before starting the hormones, because he doesn't want to be distracted by his own physical transition and be less supportive of my pregnancy needs as a result.  Basically, it's all very complicated, and at the same time very loving, and also something that not many folks we know can relate to - straight or gay!  So it's comforting for me to know that you guys are out there; even though we are going through very different situations, I love knowing that there are other genderqueer/gender independent folks out there working on building families.  I'm wishing you guys the very best and that sometime SOON you will meet the adoption worker who advocates for you guys and sees that excitement registers differently for different people.

And, hello Anna! Nice to see you in here.  I appreciate your comments about how little ones understand gender on an instinctive level.  I totally agree and was inspired by what you said!  We've been talking a lot about how we'll talk to our kid about gender.  Thankfully, we live in a place where we are surrounded by queers and trans folks, so we won't be alone in our messages. 

Hello to everyone else and hope you are doing well!

[esenbee2]

cherrycrush, our DD calls my spouse daddy.  We figured that it would be easier to start with daddy now so it will be less confusing for her later when he transitions.  Her view on gender seems to be pretty much male and female instead of variances, a little bit of one, a little bit of other.  Despite our messages of, no, there aren't girl toys and boy toys, if you enjoy a toy, you can play with it, she still insists on it, though she hasn't said much about anything like that for a while, so maybe it was just a stage of her figuring out her identity.  She is EXTREMELY girly, but that is just her born personality, as we made sure she could be whoever she wanted to be.

planet, your partner is so sweet to consider your needs in pregnancy!  Sounds like my DSp, ALWAYS thinking of me and being very considerate!

[starling&diesel]

Hi all!  Cherrycrush ... our 3 yr old dd calls my partner/her other parent "baba," which many genderqueer parents use as a moniker.  If my partner was planning to transition, we would've gone with 'papa,' but there are no plans to transition, and we use the pronoun 'she' mostly when referring to dp. 

Welcome to the boards! 

[southernfriedkarma]

Our first babe isn't here yet (5 weeks to go!  Eeep!), but DP will go by Daddy.  He is medically and legally transitioned now, but we are very out as queer and he's quite open about being trans.  We considered other things, but he decided on Daddy since it is easiest and suits him.  Papa would've been a close contender if it wasn't the name my 90 year old sometimes-cranky grandfather goes by.  We know a Baba and a Duda and Mickey, too - any of which could be options if Daddy isn't comfortable.  

There's also this old thread with a few options: http://www.mothering.com/community/t/1320972/gender-neutral-word-for-mom-dad

[KnittingTigers]

I don't spend a whole lot of time on MDC anymore (busy job, life, etc.), but wanted to drop in here to say hi. My partner is trans (FTM), and passes as male 99% of the time at this point. Our daughter is 3 and a half, and has witnessed his entire physical transition, though she's always called him papa. For the first 2.5 years of her life, he was read primarily as female, and that never fazed her, or complicated her understanding of him and his gender. So, first, I don't think that kids are confused by genderqueerness. It's really just the adults who get hung up on it.

In terms of talking about trans stuff with kids, while I agree with everyone that honesty and openness is hugely important, I do think there are complicated situations that arise. We have always been very out and very queer (I run an LGBTQ center), but our most recent move has brought us to a smaller, southern town. Though many people know my partner's trans history, not everyone does, simply because he passes now, and it doesn't always come up. I actually feel like I'm having some struggles in figuring out how to talk about trans stuff with my daughter in a way that is age appropriate, makes sense to her, but still respects my partner's desire to a) feel safe (ie. not having our daughter shouting "Daddy used to be a girl!" when they've stopped for gas at a random rest stop), and b) not constantly be the object of everyone's curiosity, in said smaller southern town. In fact, we used to talk about trans stuff a lot with her, but backed off a bit when she became obsessed with penises, and who had them. Totally developmentally normal (she was potty-training in daycare at the time), but really uncomfortable for my DP when she would talk about his genitalia with strangers.

Anyway, I hope we can all use this space to connect and keep talking about this stuff. I could definitely use some support and idea-sharing! (And I could write a whole separate post about how awkward it is to be gay for pay when people look at your family and assume you're straight...)

[lilfaz]

Hi everyone,

i'm so happy to have found this community.

I am a 30 year old queer female (born female), and my husband is a 33 year old FTM trans man, who passes 100% of the time. Legally he is male, and we do intend to tell our future children about him from a very early age. Outside of our queer family of friends, we are not active in the queer/gay community. We are perceived as a straight couple, which isn't inaccurate, but it's "different" for us, we don't have many friends/couple friends outside of the queer community as we often find it difficult to relate to "traditional" roles in a heterosexual relationship, but we're not active in the queer community because my husband doesn't want to advertise his transgendered-ness, he wants to blend in. His family knows about him, and is accepting of him, some of my family knows (i was selective on who i told in the beginning of our relationship), and those who know are supportive. The ones who don't know, don't know because I'm not confident they would be supportive.

we've been married for almost four years this September, and he's going for the last of his surgeries in a little less than two weeks now. We would like to start a family later this year by seemingly "natural" means, and do to a lack of certain genetic material, this means that we must go to a fertility clinic. While the fertility clinic is surprisingly open-minded about our situation, I find we are still being treated as an "infertile" couple. I don't mean to diminish what a couple who faces infertility goes through in any way. In our situation, to the best of everyone's knowledge what we need is sperm. that's it. i'm finding the experience with the fertility clinic to be frustrating, and it's not exactly an easy subject to talk about in general, let alone that we're not necessarily in the same boat to be part of a "support" group through the clinic.

is there anyone else in the same boat? i'd love to make some friends who have trans partners who might remotely be able to relate to what we're going through.

cheers!

[KnittingTigers]

Hi Lilfaz! Welcome!

Really briefly, there are several of us with trans DPs on this board, and a few of us are trying to get pregnant right now too! Come over to the Queer Conceptions board for general queer TTC chat, and I'll try to write more later about my thoughts and experiences.

Also, I don't know where you live, but if you have the option of going to the Philly Trans Health conference next month, I know there are always LOTS of folks there with great info to share about making queer/trans families.

[jdsf]

I am co-parenting with DP who had our two DDs with her ex-husband. I am more of the father figure than their birth father, who sees them every other weekend and sometimes once a week in theory, but not really in practice. They were very young when we got together, so I am essentially the father the younger one knows. I have been out as trans since before they came along, but I am not hormonally/surgically transitioned in any way though I have a form of hirsutism and am often read as male by children or people who either aren't familiar with "queer" or aren't analyzing anything besides my face. DD 11 still thinks my legal name is my old name that I changed 8+ years ago because she doesn't grasp the concept that a person can actually change their name if they wanted to, legally, if they don't have SRS. But I have always been "he" and the one time I wore a dress as a costume they both looked at me and laughed and said "Why are you wearing a dress??" because I am "a boy" to them and always have been even though they know I'm biologically female. I am also going to be carrying our next baby as DP had two already and has no desire to do it again ;)

Anyway, the little one dubbed me "J-Man" instead of my name when she was 6 or 7 but calls me my name generally or "daddy" the other half of the time. Even though her "real dad" is daddy, I am, too.