That's right Rosemary.
So I think I have located my problem. I just don't want to do it anymore. I worked so hard throughout the pregnancy with working out & nutrition. The whole time I kept telling myself I would reap the rewards after she was born & in some ways I have (yeah, no more diabetes) but in the big, noticeable, tangible ways there has been no improvement. 40lbs even sounds good but the fact is I am taking up no less physical space than I was a year ago (I still don't understand that) & so the change feels somewhat meaningless. Plain & simple I put in a lot of work & just have not realized the results I had hoped for & that is beyond frustrating.
So here is my realization: I don't want to do it but that is irrelevant. I need to be eating well & working out to maintain my health, set a good example for my children & create good habits for all of us. Yes, it is hard & no fun & the results are ridiculously slow in coming but it still needs to be done.
Dh & I talked about this at length 'cause a big, big part of me wants to just say forget it, I'm fat & that's ok but for my health & that of our family it is not ok.
So tomorrow I am back on track with everything. I am going to be committed & try really hard to keep the bigger picture in view & ignore how much I despise my body (why is it so hard to remember the fabulous job it did/does of carrying & birthing & nourishing my children?) for now. I'm going to have faith that if I keep doing what needs to be done I will get to where I want to be, even if the journey is a lot longer & more complicated than I had hoped.
Bonus: a friend of mine is organizing a "biggest loser" contest that will be starting in a couple of weeks. I am most definitely going to enter & I hope it will give me a little extra push to get me through.
I think once I get some real momentum going it will get easier again.