Need PL advice for three-year-old STAT

[Megan73]

Ack. Sorry this is long...
My DCP just called at her wit's end with DS, who turned three in August. He's going though multiple changes of clothes a day because he has giant pees and poos that no diaper can contain.
We have not pushed PL with him because her advice was that around their third birthday most boys will just do it without any fuss. Not DS! He's totally not interested and has fought the potty when we've (admittedly half-heartedly) tried to get him to go. I think he's quite capable. The only time he pees in the toilet is when he's in the tub and asks to get out because he doesn't want to get pee on his tub toys.
Anyhow, DCP has already told DS (without asking us - but I get that she's frustrated) that starting tomorrow he'll wear a pull up and use the toilet. He apparently agreed. She says we just all need to be "firm" about it. In the past she's suggest a reward chart with stickers.
My feeling is that you can't force a kid to take ownership of their body and it will come. But on the other hand, he IS clearly capable of knowing when he has to go yet seems unfazed by the fact that all the other kids his age he knows are in underwear.
Thoughts?
Edited by Megan73 - 10/17/11 at 12:57pm

[Bokonon]

I think her expectations are unreasonable.  I don't really know that "most" boys potty train right at 3.  That might be her experience, but that doesn't mean that every boy will be out of diapers then.  Obviously your son is not ready to be out of diapers.  Being able to do it and consistently doing it all day every day are two wayyyy different things.  There is a lot of physiological coordination that needs to happen to potty learn, and it's a developmental milestone that kids hit at all different ages.

I would be concerned that the caregiver is trying to dictate to the child that he HAS to do something that isn't even consistent with what's going on at home.  She may very well be making the whole process more frustrating and unpleasant for your son, which will make him resist more.  Potty learning is a marathon, not a sprint.

IMHO, I think you need to figure out what kind of potty learning method you are going to teach and encourage at home, and be on the same page with the DCP about it.  Otherwise your son, who is still very much a toddler, is going to be confused.

[Megan73]

Thanks for your thoughts.
I totally agree that consistency at home and day care is crucial and I was annoyed that DCP made that pronouncement without talking to us. But on the other hand, I think after talking to DS and trial trips to the potty last night and this morning that she may be right that he IS ready. He was quite happy to go, peed successfully each time and seemed excited about flushing the toilet when he was done. He's able to pull down elastic-waisted pants alone so he went to DC in PJs today and I'll buy hims some sweats.We'll see if we have any success with poops.
We've talked to our DCP about keeping the tone encouraging and simply bringing him to the potty frequently. We're not going to use any rewards beyond celebrating success. I don't think her expectation is that boys will be immediately out of diapers at three - she's big on pullups - but rather that most will have the interest and ability to start working on it and that it will take less time than if attempted earlier.
Thank you for the reminder that it's a marathon and not a sprint.

[Bokonon]

Originally Posted by Megan73 

 that it will take less time than if attempted earlier.
 

This has not been my experience at all - the earlier it is started, the longer it takes for most kids because they still need to get all those pieces in place.  My son went potty sporadically but really wasn't interested in it until after he turned 4, and then it took 2 days in underpants and he was totally potty trained.

I'm glad you and your DCP got on the same page!  I swear, potty learning is the most frustrating part of parenting, especially because there is such a wide range of what's normal and so much of the success is based on a toddler's will, which is almost laughable!

[Megan73]

Thanks again - I needed the reminder that we needed to figure out what we were going to do and get on the same page about it.
We'll see how it goes!