Anyone have any advice on helping a parent with Asperger Syndrome parent gently?

[amberskyfire]

My husband has AS and one of his big triggers is kids crying. It really freaks him out. I try to always be around so that when it happens, he doesn't have to deal with DD because he can't quite control himself and will quickly bark at her or yell loudly at her to stop having her tantrum. She's three now, so tantrums are common.

DH would never hit or spank DD, but sometimes his reactions to her are emotionally hurtful such as scaring her by yelling without any warning at all. If he doesn't use the bark method, he'll use a threat: "I think you need a spanking," (which he would NEVER follow through on, but which he just says because it's what his parents always said to him and he's really just knee-jerk reacting with what he knows) or he will resort to just giving in. For example, if DD wants to hit the wall with a hammer and make holes and I say no and she has a tantrum, DH will come in and override me and tell her to just go ahead and make holes because he'd rather have that than the crying. (This didn't actually happen, I'm just making up a scenario, but he does override me on ludicrous things.)

I've tried talking to DH about it, but he has a hard time articulating to me and the conversation can make him a little angry because he feels guilty about it. One thing I've tried is getting him to just ignore DD, that ignoring is better than barking, even if he has to put her in time out while she has her tantrum and go in his office and put his earbuds in. It worked yesterday, but sometimes I don't get to him before he gets upset.

Any parents out there with AS or married to a parent with AS for which crying is a big trigger? I'd love to know what you do/suggest. He's a really fantastic dad most of the time and he and DD are very close and play together a lot, I'd just like to help him develop some better tactics for parenting a child that's freaking out.

[BinkieFinder]

My father in law has Aspergers.  Unlike your hubby, he DID hit his children.  While I do not personally know your husband - he may want to seek out therapy before anything were to happen if you are having concerns.  If he's having difficulties with a 3 year old - things are going to get worse.  You can't always be there to intervene.  It isn't as simple as giving out a few tactics.  Not only that - even if he is "only" yelling - that in itself can be damaging to a child.

My FIL did need professional help to control his outbursts.  He didn't start out hitting his kids.  He has a heart of gold and is probably one of the kindest souls I've met.  For instance, he used to love having skin-to-skin contact with his children when they were babies.  He sang to them and read bedtime stories.  He changed diapers and would lovingly soothe them back to sleep when they had a nightmare.  He would help his girls comb the manes of their My Little Ponies.  He took my husband with him wherever he went.  He was and is still a loving father to his kids - but - he did do some extremely abusive things as well.  He spanked, slapped, punched, shoved, pushed, belittled, etc.  He punctured his youngest daughter under the eye with a fork.  He nearly broke his oldest daughter's jaw.  There were instances where they would need medical care due to the abuse.  The abuse would happen when he had other stresses in his life.  It would happen when he worked nights and didn't get enough sleep.  It happened when his one child had a brain tumor.  It happened during times of unemployment.  I know that this sounds like he's a horrible person - and while I wouldn't ever leave my children in his care - he really is not evil or a "typical" child abuser.  Now that he has had professional help in managing stress, he has never hurt any of his grandchildren - and I can assure you that some of them have done some awful things and have thrown some very powerful tantrums in his presence.  :P  That being said - I'm not assuming that your husband would escalate to that since it sounds like he has you there to support him.  My MIL was just outwardly cruel and abusive and his own parents had AS, so he didn't really have anyone telling him that he needed to find different ways of dealing with his emotions.

My son has an ASD as well.  However, he's been receiving therapy since he was a toddler and has been learning with ways to cope with his frustrations from the beginning.  Unfortunately - in past generations - Aspies weren't given these tools growing up. 

[amberskyfire]

He definitely would never hit, so I'm not worried. He's actually gotten better about freaking out, not worse, and he had a daughter before me who is now 16 and I've been with him for 12 years watching him parent her, so I already know he's fine, he just needs help being a little gentler. My father was abusive and it's something I would never tolerate. The worst thing DH would do is walk away from DD, but sometimes that in itself seems awful to me, like if they are playing outside and he leaves her out there alone to come in and "hide." That hasn't actually happened, I'm just trying to think of a hypothetical situation that might occur. Thus far, I've always been there to intervene. He's a really good dad and tries to do a good job parenting, it's just harder for him to make good decisions because the crying affects him differently than it does me.

So sorry about your FIL, but I'm really glad that he's got a great relationship with his grandkids! :)

[Mittsy]

Would it be possible for you to take over in times of stress? I'd suggest he take a time-in for himself to work through what is triggering him and why when these things are happening, being mindful of my emotions is very important.

[amberskyfire]

Yes! I always take over during stressful times, which is what we've been doing up until now. I've only left her completely alone with him once when he took her to an amusement park sort of thing while I attended a midwifery conference for a couple of hours. All other times, I always have to make sure I'm close by so he can have a break if she decides it's tantrum time. He has spent a lot more time with her recently because she's older and can vocalize what she needs/wants. When she was a baby he was just terrified of her and wouldn't go near her because he doesn't understand how to read people's feelings. He could never figure out how to help her. It's a bit easier now. I'll feel much better when she's at the age where she doesn't have the tantrums anymore and they'll be a lot closer like he is with his first daughter.

[MamaRuga]

I don't have any advice but just have to say I AM WITH YOU!  

My DH also has AS.  It was diagnosed when DD was 2.  She is now 3.5, so it hasn't been that long.  It has helped so much having the understanding of the official diagnosis, but it does make discipline and parenting a lot harder. 

I found that I was doing whatever I could to keep DD from crying or having tantrums.  So it meant I wasn't holding and keeping boundaries the way she needed them.  I've been trying to shift that but it means I had to learn to be ok with her crying.  It wasn't that I was upset about her crying or tantrums, it was DH's reaction that I was afraid of.  Like your DH, not that he would be physically abusive.  It is just the overreaction to DD or getting angry with me because I can't make it stop.

I found Hand in Hand Parenting, which I really love.  It understands the crying and outbursts as a healthy needed thing for children to go through.  It has made it easier for me to make that inner adjustment inside myself and make more space for her reactions when I set boundaries.  But I realize that DH will probably never be able to be there for her while she cries or is angry.  The message she will always get from his is that feelings are not ok.  

It also means that the discipline is almost 100% on me.  He just can't really understand that a 3 year old needs a different approach than a 9 year old.  He can't understand why she acts the way she does and can't get ahold of herself or think through things logically.  She's 3, that is why!  But it is just beyond him to grasp the developmental stages.  

It makes it hard to feel like we are a team in discipline and parenting in general because I feel like I'm always stepping in between them in order to protect DD or to protect DH from the emotional overload.  Plus my own emotions from my childhood can get really triggered too so I have a hard time letting him find his own way through it.  So it is a tricky mix.

So, no advice here, I'm afraid. I just wanted to say you aren't alone and I am so glad to hear from another mother going through the same thing!  

[amberskyfire]

I totally could have written this myself! It's almost like you have to parent both your child and your husband at the same time, isn't it? Both of them have needs that have to come first because neither has the resources to deal with it themselves. I try to think that way sometimes, that in some situations, DH also sort of becomes my child and I have to put his needs in the same place as the needs of our daughter. It's hard dealing with both at the same time.

I also have to be 100% the only one who disciplines and sometimes DH can't come first. It's easiest to separate them whenever possible when she's having a fit.

I worried also that DD would learn that feelings aren't okay, but I try to explain it to her once she has calmed down in a way that she can understand that Daddy has AS and that means he can't handle some things that other people can. She knows he's different and I stress that feelings are okay, but we go to Mama when we need something, not Daddy because Daddy gets scared. It does help a little and at this age, she totally gets that Daddy's different.
 

Originally Posted by MamaRuga 

I don't have any advice but just have to say I AM WITH YOU!  

My DH also has AS.  It was diagnosed when DD was 2.  She is now 3.5, so it hasn't been that long.  It has helped so much having the understanding of the official diagnosis, but it does make discipline and parenting a lot harder. 

I found that I was doing whatever I could to keep DD from crying or having tantrums.  So it meant I wasn't holding and keeping boundaries the way she needed them.  I've been trying to shift that but it means I had to learn to be ok with her crying.  It wasn't that I was upset about her crying or tantrums, it was DH's reaction that I was afraid of.  Like your DH, not that he would be physically abusive.  It is just the overreaction to DD or getting angry with me because I can't make it stop.

I found Hand in Hand Parenting, which I really love.  It understands the crying and outbursts as a healthy needed thing for children to go through.  It has made it easier for me to make that inner adjustment inside myself and make more space for her reactions when I set boundaries.  But I realize that DH will probably never be able to be there for her while she cries or is angry.  The message she will always get from his is that feelings are not ok.  

It also means that the discipline is almost 100% on me.  He just can't really understand that a 3 year old needs a different approach than a 9 year old.  He can't understand why she acts the way she does and can't get ahold of herself or think through things logically.  She's 3, that is why!  But it is just beyond him to grasp the developmental stages.  

It makes it hard to feel like we are a team in discipline and parenting in general because I feel like I'm always stepping in between them in order to protect DD or to protect DH from the emotional overload.  Plus my own emotions from my childhood can get really triggered too so I have a hard time letting him find his own way through it.  So it is a tricky mix.

So, no advice here, I'm afraid. I just wanted to say you aren't alone and I am so glad to hear from another mother going through the same thing!  

[MamaRuga]

Its tough feeling like you have to be the parent to your spouse at times.  But, on the other hand, it sure has helped to have the diagnosis.  I'm not beating our heads against a wall any more trying to get things to be different.  My DH doesn't want others to know about his AS, though.  Close family and a few of my closer friends know, but that is it.  And I don't think that he would want me to share it with DD, although I think at some point it will have to happen so that she can understand.  Without having that understanding their behavior can seem very strange and even abusive to the outsider.  Somehow we have to find a way to guide our children through this safely so that they don't feel the effects the way they might if their dad was reacting just out of meaness.  It is hard to navigate.  

I wish that there were more resources out there for AS parents.  DH could use a very clear step by step guide to gentle discipline, and children in general.  But then he would try to apply the "formula" to every incident, even when it doesn't fit.   Right now, though, he just falls back on what he got as a child, and it just isn't healthy.  But he just can't see that it should be different.  Like threatening to take away our beach vacation coming up two months from now because she throws food at the dinner table tonight (just hypothetically this didn't really happen, but easily could).  He really needs some basic techniques to work with but when I try to describe the reasons why we might want to say something differently (so it doesn't sound blaming or hurtful) or do something differently (like a time in instead of just yelling and threatening) he overloads and shuts down.   I've often thought about writing up a parenting step 1, 2, 3 and posting it to the fridge. 

[amberskyfire]

That's a really good idea! I might actually do something like that. The most important thing I want him to learn is not yelling. Saying nothing at all and walking away from her is much better than snapping at her which doesn't work.

[ErinYay]

As the primary caregiver, who also has Asperger's, to a 22-mo-old and nursing 6-week-old I'd like to echo MamaRuga's suggestions. I've found that it's REALLY easy to get to the breaking point with all the recreational and otherwise screaming. I'm working diligently on stop, think, and react. 

I stop doing whatever it is I "need" to do, even if it means the newborn is halfway through a diaper change. I just sit and freeze.

I think about what the children are doing from a developmental standpoint, remind myself that they're each doing exactly what they're wired to do, and I make a quick gameplan.

I react in a manner that's appropriate to the situation and will defuse the moment as quickly and painlessly as possible, instead of my kneejerk instinct to MAKE THEM (esp the toddler) JUST SHUT UP. (I was never a yeller until #2 was born, and I hate it, and unfortunately, #1 responds VERY quickly to yelling, so it's a huge priority to change that. It's not fair to either of us, and it ruins our whole day.)

The success rate is nowhere near 100%, but it's far better than it was just a few weeks ago.

Aspies are really good at retaining and recalling information, so maybe if you can find a good child development book- not a Sears book or anything ideologically based, like a textbook or something really clear-cut and clinical, your DH can always keep in his head "My kid needs to push boundaries as a needed part of growing up, and his/her worldview will be created by my reactions to that."

Unfortunately, that info processing is halted by sensory problems. With one kiddo, the noise was manageable. With an infant and very spirited toddler? Man. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to focus when it's hard to filter out the sound of the ceiling fan...

OP, the way you talk about your DH and his issues is so wonderfully respectful. I'm becoming more and more aware of how difficult I am to have as a partner, and am so thankful for a patient, understanding spouse. I hope you know your DH is, too, even if maybe sometimes you feel like he may be oblivious to all you do.

[amberskyfire]

Thanks! It's helpful to get tips from "the inside." :)

I do love my husband very much. We were together for 10 years before we found out he had Asperger Syndrome, so finding out was really, REALLY good for us. I was already used to him the way he was, but once I finally had a label to put on it (aren't we, as a species, oddly fond of labels?) it made things so much easier for me and I don't even get angry with him anymore. I used to get mad because I'd think "he's such a jerk!" Now that I know he can't help it, I've been able to see him completely differently. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be able to read about it and nod and say "yes, yes, he's normal!" And it helps that when I start to get angry at behavior that used to drive me nuts, now I understand that it's just part of who he is and I don't get mad anymore. It's almost kind of endearing to me, his little quirks. They're part of him and it's helped me see that he's not uncaring, he's actually a totally awesome and amazing guy. Before, I just noticed the things that bothered me. Now I ignore all of that and notice the little wonderful things he does that are really totally out of his character, because it shows me how much he tries for me. He's the best husband I can imagine.
 

Originally Posted by ErinYay 

As the primary caregiver, who also has Asperger's, to a 22-mo-old and nursing 6-week-old I'd like to echo MamaRuga's suggestions. I've found that it's REALLY easy to get to the breaking point with all the recreational and otherwise screaming. I'm working diligently on stop, think, and react. 

I stop doing whatever it is I "need" to do, even if it means the newborn is halfway through a diaper change. I just sit and freeze.

I think about what the children are doing from a developmental standpoint, remind myself that they're each doing exactly what they're wired to do, and I make a quick gameplan.

I react in a manner that's appropriate to the situation and will defuse the moment as quickly and painlessly as possible, instead of my kneejerk instinct to MAKE THEM (esp the toddler) JUST SHUT UP. (I was never a yeller until #2 was born, and I hate it, and unfortunately, #1 responds VERY quickly to yelling, so it's a huge priority to change that. It's not fair to either of us, and it ruins our whole day.)

The success rate is nowhere near 100%, but it's far better than it was just a few weeks ago.

Aspies are really good at retaining and recalling information, so maybe if you can find a good child development book- not a Sears book or anything ideologically based, like a textbook or something really clear-cut and clinical, your DH can always keep in his head "My kid needs to push boundaries as a needed part of growing up, and his/her worldview will be created by my reactions to that."

Unfortunately, that info processing is halted by sensory problems. With one kiddo, the noise was manageable. With an infant and very spirited toddler? Man. I can't even begin to explain how hard it is to focus when it's hard to filter out the sound of the ceiling fan...

OP, the way you talk about your DH and his issues is so wonderfully respectful. I'm becoming more and more aware of how difficult I am to have as a partner, and am so thankful for a patient, understanding spouse. I hope you know your DH is, too, even if maybe sometimes you feel like he may be oblivious to all you do.

[MiShelly505]

Neither my DH or I have ASD but I have family with it, work with children & adults with it (schooling & therapies) and have a co-worker with it too.  I have a couple of suggestions that may be helpful for your DH and DD.  First I would suggest getting together as a family to discuss your family rules (or we use the word Creed).  Write down the rules (you can find good pictures for DD online)... the best thing we've found is to keep the rules as positive as possible such as We always use a nice, polite, quiet voice (or anything else that would work for your family) rather than writing down 'no yelling'.  After coming up with a list of rules or a family creed, coming up with a list of the consequences in order of how they will be carried out will be especially helpful for both DD and DH because both children and those with ASD crave routine.  It may also be helpful for your DH to put good, clear words such as 1. Mom or Dad asks if (infraction) is following our Family Creed.  2. Mom or Dad gives verbal warning in a firm voice with a reminder of the next consequence.  3. Mom or Dad puts DD in time-out and sets timer. 4. When timer goes off, DD must say sorry to mom or dad for not following the family creed.  Even if time-out may not always be the 'best' choice given the 'infraction', having a list of rules and how to follow through on what to do if DD breaks the rules will help your DH... and if he is really a rule follower and never wants to break with the steps, you could always come up with a list between just the two of you that may be 'infractions' where you wouldn't be able to follow the steps such as in a dangerous situation. 

Also, it sounds like your DH is having sensory overload due to the noise.  It may be helpful to have something in every room that your DH can use if your DD causes him to have an auditory sensory overload.  Earbuds, headphones, or earplugs could all be helpful (an inexpensive pair in each room for easy access) so that if your DD begins having a tantrum, your DH could put them on/in and then be able to follow through on dealing with DD while not having his sensory system overwhelmed. 

I also have a link for you that you can read a blog (that is very organized based on topics) from a husband who has Aspergers and he also has two sons, one with Aspergers & ADHD and one with Autism... and his wife doesn't have any ASD.  Some of his suggestions and comments offer good insight and may be helpful to you as a wife.  The link is http://life-with-aspergers.blogspot.com/

[amberskyfire]

Oh, thank you so much! I'll talk to DH and I'll give that site a read. Mahalo!

[MiShelly505]

You're welcome. 

[Xavismom]

I am in the same boat

Before, I just noticed the things that bothered me. Now I ignore all of that and notice the little wonderful things he does that are really totally out of his character, because it shows me how much he tries for me. He's the best husband I can imagine.

I can SO, SO relate to this. I was with DH for about 7-8 years before we realized what was up with him. He is not Aspie, but high functioning on the spectrum. Now that I know what is going on, I can see how hard he has worked to make our relationship work, and it makes me very appreciative to him, and has given me new perspective, and respect.

I'm definately going to check out that blog. Its nice to know I am not alone in dealing with some of these issues. DH has a lot of sensory issues, and crying is a big one. He works a crazy work schedule where I don't really see much of him for 3 days a week, so between him being gone at work, and not being able to deal with DSs crying and tantrums when he is home, it sometimes makes me feel alone in taking care of DS, and it takes it toll on me emotionally. Then it gets compounded with well meaning comments from friends that don't know my DHs situation by saying something like, ' Oh, just have your DH take your DS out of the house for a while so you can have a break!' Or, 'Have your DH take over sometimes when DS is overwhelming you'.

Yeah, that would sure be nice, but its just not going to happen in our household. So I just nod and smile, but inside it makes me feel more alone and frustrated about things sometimes.

DH is trying though. He still hasnt taken DS anywhere, just the two of them, but we did recently try something else new. There is a toy store next to a cooking boutique that I love. We all went there the other day, and DH took DS by himself to the toy store for some time out by themselves for the first time, but I was right next door looking at the boutique just in case. It went great, and I think it gave DH more confidence that he can handle it, and I know DS was stoked about time with just him and daddy.

I'm not sure what to do about some of the other stuff. DH is an AMAZING husband and father. AMAZING. I just wish he didnt get so easily frustrated and angry sometimes. When he gets overloaded, he just needs to go up to our bedroom to be by himself, but that leaves me holding the bag so to speak with an also upset DS by myself. I've been dealing with some depression over it lately. I've been meditating at night, and its helping some, and just reading these posts is also lifting my spirits and making me feel better.

Is anyone else here also worried about a DC developing the same as their DH? I notice some things with DS, and I just dont know if its me projecting because of DH, or if there really is something going on with DS.

I'm glad I found this thread, thanks for starting it OP.

[amberskyfire]

Yes, I have been really worried about my kids developing some form of autism because their father has it. With the new research that's out on vaccines and autism (they actually ARE finding some links - not that it causes it in all children, but that it can contribute/cause it in children with markers for autism) I have been wary of vaccinating my kids. Apparently, mercury can cause autism and many children that have developed some type of autism over time have vaccines at least partially to blame. Autism is hereditary and can be handed down and, apparently, it's something to do with the fact that their bodies can't get rid of heavy metals (specifically mercury) like a normal person's, so they can develop poisoning over time which is what many pediatricians currently think might be causing the issue.  There's a great new documentary out about it called "The Greater Good" which isn't anti-vaccine, it's just got some info on what we need to look out for and what we should do to make vaccines safer for kids.

I waited a very long time to vaccinate DD so that she would be bigger and the mercury in the vaccines wouldn't be as concentrated as in a tiny body. She'll be 4 in March and that's when I'm starting her schedule. Our pediatrician recommends very limited, selective vaccinations and only those that we deem absolutely necessary. I'm glad we waited. DD isn't on the spectrum at all and neither is her older 16 yo half-sister. Little baby who is due in March also won't be vaccinated for at least 3 years and then we'll be ultra selective with those vaccines that have mercury and aluminum.

[MamaRuga]

We are expecting another baby this summer and I worry about AS too.  DD doesn't show any signs and she is 4 now.  We didn't vaccinate, do ultrasound and are very careful about healthy living.  I am a bit concerned knowing this one might be a boy because I know that the chances for being on the spectrum are increased with boys.  But then, if he does have AS, we will be more knowledgable and prepared than many families would be.  

DH and I are really struggling with our discipline issues still.  When he hits overload he just melts down.  Yesterday DD and I had a lovely morning together.  It was rest time for her and she always struggles with staying in her room.  I need the break, though, especially being pregnant.  I try to be firm but gentle.  The boundary is very clear, she must stay in her room.  But she is so young that staying in her room AND being quiet about it isn't easy for her.  DH sleeps until about 2 p.m. in the afternoon, though, so her calling me can really set him off if he is still asleep and it wakes him up.  That happened yesterday and he just came straight out of his room yelling at her about staying in her room and being quiet.  It was really jarring for both of us since it was so different than the nice energy we had together all morning.  Then he started on me about how we can't keep negotiating with her, we just need to lock the door and walk away and the longer she screams the longer she stays in her room.  Ugh... 

On the one hand, he really isn't taking any time or interest in reading up on child development or GD strategies.  Most of the parenting is left in my lap.  But then when he is frustrated he can be so critical of how I am going about things.  He wants a firmer, harder approach.  I feel really frustrated since he won't engage in discipline topics when he isn't on overload, but is so quick to criticize my attempts when DD is pushing his buttons.

We just have to find a different way.  He can be so wonderful, loving, and gentle and then suddenly so sharp and critical.  Being pregnant I have a much lower tolerance threshold for his sharp side too.  I feel very self protective and protective of DD.  So DH and I are fighting a lot more, which just leads to more acting out from DD.  

I know that DH is really trying hard.  I have to keep reminding myself that with AS it is just a different situation.  If he hits overload, it is really out of his control.  

I will say it is nice to hear form other mothers on this.  I have been trying to find places to connect with others in the same family dynamic.  Most of the groups I have found for AS spouses, though, are full of burnt bitter women who seem to lead miserable lives.  And there really isn't any discussion of parenting topics.  I really want to hear from other women who love and appreciate their AS DH and are making it work.  So I really appreciate everyone's contributions here.  It has been like a breath of fresh air. 

[amberskyfire]

Just wanted to chime in and say things are getting a bit better. DH still snaps sometimes, but he is really working on it. I've been letting him watch DD more and more lately while I'm in the house. In the mornings, I sleep in and he gets breakfast made for her while getting ready for work. During naptime, he sometimes watches her.

This Christmas, I softened a bit on my "no plastic toys" rule and let DH (who has never once bought DD a present) pick out stuff for her that he wanted. One was a marble run, something he's been a bit obsessed with putting together and they'll play with each other for an hour or two a day now with that thing. Letting him make the gift decision and get something he loves has helped them bond a bit more and by bonding, I can see he understands her a little bit better. At one point, he built a huge tower with it and it fell over and hit DD on the head and she started crying and he came into the room and actually comforted her. First time ever! I'm super proud of him and we'll continue working on it.

[MamaRuga]

I just wanted to mention that a group has been started for parenting with an aspie partner at http://www.mothering.com/community/groups/show/28/parenting-with-an-aspergers-partner.  

[amberskyfire]

Thank you!