Need supportive responses please don't judge

[Liss86]

hi All,

My two year old is night weaned except right before bed and our routine looks something like this:
- dinner
-bath
- mommy milk while cuddling in bed and I tell her while we are going to lie down that we will have a little mommy milk and then she will go sleep in her baby bed and mommy will have to go downstairs to go potty"
- after mommy milk I say okay and she gets up out of the bed and holding hands we walk out of the bed room and to the place she likes to sleep (not something I encouraged just where she likes to go, it is a nook at the top of our stairs so I have a blanket for cushion she sleeps on that)
- I tell her "I love you good night" and go down stairs. Usually this has been great for the past few weeks. But tonight...

She is screaming and crying for me and saying "Mommy milk", crying out for "Daddy" and "mommy" and then she starts crying out "wash hands I want to wash a hands please" so I went up because I hate to her her cry and then she freaks because I offer to wash hands in a bathroom upstair and she only wants to come downstairs. I offer mommy milk and to redo our bedtime sleep thing but she wants nothing to do with it and wants to come down and watch her yoga DVD and wash hands in the bathroom downstairs.

The thing is if I bring her down it will be midnight before she goes up. She will run around and make messes which is okay during the day I am not more concerned with my house than the ability for my daughter to play and learn and explore but I am pregnant and wiped out at the end of the day. Plus my fiancé works late and I just can't do it at night past 7pm.

I left her up there the second time because while angry bc I said she wasn't going downstairs she started pushing me and stepping on my belly.

Please tell me I am not the worst mom ever for leaving her upstairs freaking screaming and crying "wash hands downstairs" "peace on the tv please, mommy" and "mommy, i want you to come here...come here mama" after she pushed me or at all when I know she has a potty accessible to her(she pottys on her own), has eaten enough, and done everything we need for bed, and is really tired.

Or share sympathy or share wisdom experience and supportive advice.

Thanks in advance!

[philomom]

She doesn't seem tired enough to sleep at 7 p.m.

You can move back bedtime.

You can try tiring her out after dinner with more active play.. going to park, running around one of your larger safer indoor rooms.

You can give her her own box of wipes to wash her own hands.... this could get expensive but might save you a few trips upstairs.

But gently... I say ignoring her is not good. She needs to feel secure in your love.. especially with the new baby coming.

[lifeguard]

Some nights they just don't want/aren't ready for bed. We've established that ds doesn't have to slep but he does have to stay in his room. Most nights he goes right to bed but sometimes he's up playing quietly for awhile. I approached with a simple "I love you, it's bedtime, you need to stay in your room" - repeat, repeat. If he is upset we go & give him a hug & snuggle & then leave again. If he needs to pee he comes out but I've learned anything else is simply him trying to stay up longer.

[Katwoman]

I don't think you're the worst mom ever.  Especially if you removed yourself from a situation that could escalate into you negatively emotionally responding to her.  (I'm thinking about how tired you said you are.) 

I'm not sure how well she "gets" things, but can you have a rule that the pp referred to - where she can't get up, but she has to stay in bed?  Looking at books or quietly playing?  My girls could do that before they were 3, but everyone is different. 

Otherwise, can you stay upstairs so she doesn't feel so far away from you?  And you wouldn't have to keep climbing the steps to gently enforce time to lay down?

I don't really have a lot to say other than I just wanted you to know I don't think you're the worst mom ever.  Some nights just suck!

[lovepickles]

Forgive yourself. It wasn't an ideal reaction but we are all human. Use it as a learning experience and be prepared with a better solution that you know you are capable of following through with next time you get upset. After I had a minor incident involving poop I have now implemented a few deep breaths to recenter my head and slow my first impulse down.

Next time maybe hang out with her for a bit until you both calm down. Sometimes I listen to my ipod when DD is clingy and just won't settle down. I also like the reading in bed option but after the heat of the moment is over.

[Liss86]

Thanks everyone. Big hugs to you all.

[sk8boarder15]

I would also think that moving up bedtime may be helpful. I totally see where letting her come back down would cause problems. If it was me, I would go to her (not leave her alone) but say its time to quiet down and go to bed. Maybe offer to read a few more books, or nurse one more time, but if she has none of that, just stay next to the bed with her. Then she knows you're there for her, but after a certian time its bed time not play time... hopefully things are getting better. 

[Youngfrankenstein]

I agree with moving the bedtime back.  My youngest dd, 23 months, "reads" in bed while listening to cds at night.  We're not at a point where I leave before she's asleep but I sit on the end of the bed and do crosswords until she's asleep. I'm there with her but we don't "engage" much after the tuck in.   And I think you can have a "no more nursing" rule in place and still help her get to bed. 

[Liss86]

Thanks you, everyone. I appreciate your suggestions all are great ideas.

Last night I sat next to her for a while. Everytime a car drove buy the lits would flash in the window and across the ceiling. I would probably have been scared of that as a child so we talked about how those lights where from the cars driving by and how lots of cars seem to drive by all night long. When I couldn't wait to go to the bathroom anymore(I am preggo so I have too pee a lot) I told her I was going to go get something to help her in case she felt scared but to keep lying down while she waited for me. I got her a flashlight and said that if she got scared she could turn it on and said good night and that I loved her and went down stairs she was asleep within a couple minutes. (she falls asleep on her own 3/4ths of the time this only started happening once I stopped nursing her to sleep)

Thanks again

And again big big hugs to all of you Mamas!! :hugs:

[Liss86]

Lights*. Please forgive any typos my iPad is always improperly autocorrecting.

[MsDolphin]

Glad things seem to be getting better.

My two suggestion were to stay with her longer. Do you have a chair, rocking chair or bed you can use in the room?

My DS has a sound machine we use for him to go to sleep and we turn it off once he is asleep. It also has a light for the ceiling it has rotating pictures, like moon & stars. Lately he wants it on when he goes to bed. Half the time he isn't even watching it, but if I turn it off - he gets mad. So I have been turning it on at night to get him to sleep.

[intrepidmother]

I was going to say the same thing... we have a fan turned on all the time to dull the noises in the house. 

When we first started to put DD to sleep in her "big girl bed", we nursed and rubbed her back until she fell asleep... after a little while, we told her we'd rub her back for a little bit and then check on her... I just wanted her to be relaxed before I left her at night.  If she was crying/tantruming there was no way she would fall asleep on her own.  Now- I nurse, rub her back while telling her a story and then say goodnight.  That's it. 5 minutes, tops! :)

[carolm1]

DS hates going to bed and its an hour long fight, when he knows after bath its bed time and DD won't go to bed till 930 or 10 when DH is home, same with DS. So we decied they dont nap during the day. Sure they are cranky, cranky butts, but at night, when they go to sleep after a warm bath, are dressed warmly and are full, its so so much better.