Jealousy of the stepdaughter - Page 2

[Astrogirl]

I'm sorry you feel that way, but I'm astonished so many people think this father daughter relationship is incestual and abnormal.  How sad.  My dad and I are very close and have a relationship just how you described. He's always been a generous person, and not just to me.

But here's the crux of the matter and the explanation for the limits of his generosity:  my dad has already had two wives.  Both put him through the ringer and took him to the cleaners.  So with new women? He's not so quick to 'take care of anyone' anymore.  (Thank GOD).  If he wants a partner, he wants a partner for companionship, not to be anyone's sugar daddy.  

If you are expecting your partner to 'take care of you' the same way he takes care of his daughter, then that is on you. You aren't his child, you are his third wife and supposed to be his equal partner.  If you want a BMW, go and buy yourself a BMW.  If you have a concern over his spoiling his children, then raise it as a concern for her well being, not as a concern about what YOU don't get and throwing a tantrum over it.  And if you are going to throw tantrums, then be very careful about calling other people spoiled. 

Lucky for me, my dad's partners have been mature and accepting and embrace me the same way he does.  That's because they too are grown and have their own kids, and also because they are independent and self sufficient.  When you get into situations of stepfamilies and multiple marriages, you also step into a world where two people need to come into the situation as self dependent adults (i can give you first hand experiences of why it needs to be that way, particularly when it comes down to inheritances and earned pensions), not expecting a man to take care of you.  He feels he has a life long obligation to help his daughter out when needed, which I think makes for a kind and loving father.  He does not view marriage the same way, he expects that the woman he marries shouldn't need his help the way a child would, nor is he obligated to do so.  If, fundamentally, you would prefer to be more dependent on him financially AND you can't handle him being close to his children, then I suggest you may need to move on because you are NOT going to be able to break that bond.  Or, learn to accept it.   I would be THRILLED to marry a man that holds his children in such high regard. 

Edited by Astrogirl - 12/10/11 at 2:24am

[choli]

Originally Posted by amicrazy 

I was very well aware of his children. His daughter lived with us for 1 years. What I did know was four years later, he still pays her, house note, car note, car insurance, cell phone, utility bills, colledge, clothes, food, gas, and everything else. While I work and pay me own bills. It gets quite annoying. I only want my hunsband to take care of me like that.

 So it's all about the money, really. Did you tell your husband when you were getting married that you expected not to have to work and pay your own bills anymore? Maybe he had different expectations from the marriage.

[csekywithlove]

OP:

I don't think that the relationship sounds incestuous or abnormal. I do however think that it is a load of bull that OP's husband bought a BMW for his 20 year old.

One night a week out with your father isn't too much in my eyes. I would make sure that he spent one night out a week with me though, if I were the wife.

I see this as perhaps DSS has some jealousy for the OP. At her age she may think that she can run you off. I'm not in her head, so I wouldn't know but sounds like she may resent you.

If your DH says that you aren't involved enough in what's going on (conversations, spending time with DSS, etc) then I would BE involved. Insert yourself into the situation and make it known that you are the WIFE. If you are uncomfortable, chances are she is trying to make you uncomfortable. Go out with them Tuesday night and try to have fun. Ask her about school, life, etc. When she is talking about her day, give advice even if it is something as simple as what kind of detergent to buy.

I wouldn't take any of this lying down. You have a relationship with your DH and if he doesn't like you involved in this one, then THEY can take the hike, not you.

[Jennifer Z]

I am really surprised at some of the responses.  I have a feeling this post will be unpopular, but here goes:

I think you need to adjust your expectations.  You married somebody who has kids.  I think it is awesome that he is supporting his child that well, and wish my dh and I would have had that sort of support at that age, because he is setting her up so that she doesn't have to spend the rest of her life paying back loans that it takes to get and education and get established at that age.  I hope we can support our kids this way. 

If this were the first marriage for both of you, and this was a joint child, my opinion probably would be different, but it isn't.  His obligation to his child does not end at 18 if he is a good parent.  It is a lifetime commitment, although the financial part will gradually fade over the next decade, in good relationships, the emotional relationship shouldn't.  It doesn't sound even remotely "incestuous" to me, it sounds healthy and close.

I can't understand your reaction.   You knew he had a child when you partnered with him.  Do you have kids together?  Does he treat your mutual kids dramatically different?  (There is likely some difference, simply because they would have to be much, much younger, but if you have kids together, you should be happy that he works to cultivate such a great relationship).  I can understand feeling a bit upset if you have a child separate from him, but he holds no financial obligation to your children with somebody else...that is the responsibility of you and the other child's father.  (which can feel unfair to an immature child, but it isn't, and maturity will bring understanding)

And, you should be paying your own bills, just as he should be paying his own bills (and it sounds like he does), unless there is a mutual, specific agreement.  Anything he gives you is gravy.  Marriage to somebody with kids means that you will always, and should always, come second to the kids already there, for both of you.  Kids are forever.  Marriage is a partnership, and it isn't fair to expect that since you are female, that you can get out of your obligations just because you are married, not in this day and age.  

And, for the record, I do think it is silly to give a 20-yo a new BMW, but I can understand the urge.  It is safer than a lot of other cars out there.  Of course, you don't specify whether or not it is new.  It is completely reasonable to give an older BMW to a 20yo because a lot of those cars last a long time.

[jess in hawaii]

I just started reading this thread, and I have got to comment because i know exactly how OP feels. Without going into the gory details, I had a very good relationship with stbxh's daughter and ex (that is how I met him). I was impressed that he seemed to be a loving attentive father, where as the father of my children couldn't be bothered to parent at all. The girl and her mom encouraged us to get together, but then both became resentful and jealous. I bent over backwards to build a good relationship with my step daughter, but she has been bound and determined since early on to put me out of the picture (we got together when she was almost 18, now she is 23). She has been nothing but toxic to my marriage, and what i realized too late was that my husband was not a good father, he spoiled her and has a very unhealthy dynamic with her (he confided in her about ALL our marital problems instead of going to a counselor). He also treated her far more "special" than he ever treated me, and not just in a normal father/daughter kind of way. She is the only woman in his life, and always will be. Of course he created and enabled the situation too, but that is the problem. So what if I knew he had a kid? I did everything reasonable and normal to have that "child" be a part of our family, and she was a selfish, spoiled brat who doesn't even spend time with her father now, just didn't want him to be with me (or anyone really). So now my marriage is irreparably broken, stbx hasn't got the serious therapy he needs (since I'm the one who's crazy, don't you know) and my 5 y.o. has to grow up with parents at war instead of madly in love (like we very much were before my husband had a mental/emotional breakdown, which his dd won't acknowledge happened, even though I had to live with it, she didn't).

[Strong Mama]

Well I am going to say this is outrageous. The "child" is an adult. Should be working to take care of herself, and not be so spoiled. the husband should put his SPOUSE first, not his child, who is not even a child at this point. Going out on dinner dates occasionally, nothing wrong with that but buying her a BMW ??? WOW. I dont blame you OP, I would be so furious. This is just wrong, spoiling this adult child like this is not h elping her, and it s hould not be at the cost of the marriage. Sounds like your husband has his priorities in the wrong place.

I disagree with others who say you should be taking care of yourself totally, at no cost to your husband. Why even be married if you canjt count on your spouses help and protection and love?

Sorry to say, but your spouse seems to have no consideration of your feelings at all, you really need to have a talk with him and definitely go get some counselling.

[amicrazy]

No, it's reall not about the money. My children's Daddy is a dead beat, so I've always taken care of my kids. I love my job, and make a good living. I'm very capable of taking care of myself. I bought my own car after my husband and I married, and I still pay the notes on it. I pay all my own bills. I don't plan on quiting my job that was never a question.

[kmeyrick]

Plenty of parents help their adult children out financially, and I'm willing to bet that many of the same posters have accepted such help from their folks. I don't know why new spouses feel resentment because their partners are typical parents who take joy in their children. ESPECIALLY when their partners were non-custodial and hence had limited time with them growing up. Why would you believe that your spouse's children would be a miniscule part of their lives? Unless there was an estrangement? Would you really wish an estrangement between your spouse and his children?

Histhirdwife- (Why on earth do you want that UN?) I'm about to say something that will sting a bit.

He can replace you.

He's done it before.

If he says he's over you, and you think you're on the edge of divorce, ask yourself what you really want. Do you want to get divorced? Then I might start getting my financial ducks in a row. If you don't want to get divorced, statistics are not working in your favor. Step families and subsequent marriages are very vulnerable to divorce. If you want to save your marriage, you'll have to fight for it- and not against his daughter, but against yourself- your jealousy, your bitterness, etc. You'll have to make sacrifices, which sucks, but his daughter is not going away. I might still get my financial ducks in a row if I were you, because it sounds like you may have alienated your husband beyond the point of return.

[kmeyrick]

Originally Posted by Strong Mama 

Well I am going to say this is outrageous. The "child" is an adult. Should be working to take care of herself, and not be so spoiled. the husband should put his SPOUSE first, not his child, who is not even a child at this point. Going out on dinner dates occasionally, nothing wrong with that but buying her a BMW ??? WOW. I dont blame you OP, I would be so furious. This is just wrong, spoiling this adult child like this is not h elping her, and it s hould not be at the cost of the marriage. Sounds like your husband has his priorities in the wrong place.

I disagree with others who say you should be taking care of yourself totally, at no cost to your husband. Why even be married if you canjt count on your spouses help and protection and love?

Sorry to say, but your spouse seems to have no consideration of your feelings at all, you really need to have a talk with him and definitely go get some counselling.

He may well view it as his money with which he can do as he pleases, like giving his daughter a gift. I don't know if the OP has a job, but as this is his third marriage, he may feel that he's past the point where he has to financially support his spouse who is also an adult. He has the right to pay for his daughter's wedding and buy her a condo if he wants. It's his child, and he can show his affection however he wants to. That's something people need to acknowledge when they marry into blended families. The OP doesn't really get to direct how her husband spends his money, particularly when it comes to *his* children.

[jess in hawaii]

Somehow I doubt the people criticizing OP would be so judgmental if it were the MIL we were talking about, rather than the step daughter. The relationship dynamic we are experiencing is like the classic difficult MIL who interferes with everything and doesn't think anyone is good enough for her baby boy, while he basks in it. These are not normal father-daughter relationships.

[amicrazy]

Astrogirl--- Your last comment about you would be thrilled to have a man like that in you life who puts his daughter in so high reguards. Becareful what you wish for. I'm here to tell you just how hard this is. I have children myself and love them very much. But, I think you get to a point in your life where you want just you and your husband. Of course you'll see your kids and still do for them as much as you can. But hell when is the cut-off? I'm in a simular situation, I get so sick of "what Daddy needs to do for us" thing. It's hard to swollow sometimes. I don't care how understanding of a person you are, (I was in the begining) but you get your B---- full after a while.

[coffeegirl]

Originally Posted by jess in hawaii 

Somehow I doubt the people criticizing OP would be so judgmental if it were the MIL we were talking about, rather than the step daughter. The relationship dynamic we are experiencing is like the classic difficult MIL who interferes with everything and doesn't think anyone is good enough for her baby boy, while he basks in it. These are not normal father-daughter relationships.

The responsibilities a son has to his mother are quite different from the responsibilities that a man has (or will feel like he has, when they're older) to his children. Totally different dynamic. You're right that I would have responded VERY differently if the OP or amicrazy were either talking about their MiLs, but I don't really see what the "gotcha!" point to that is. Also? In-laws are different than step-children. Almost everyone has to deal with in-laws to some degree. Stepchildren aren't the same thing. You need to know what you're signing up for when you marry a man (or woman) who already has children.

[emma goldman]

Read the book _StepMonster_. Addresses all this stuff.

[Smithie]

" Marriage to somebody with kids means that you will always, and should always, come second to the kids already there, for both of you. " 

What a horrible, horrible thought - that the children of divorced/widowed parents can never be healthy, independent adults, and that parents who remarry can never have the security of a covenant bond, only some sort of contingent/temporary "partnership."

Conscientious parents put their children first when they are little and NEED to be put first. My DH and I certainly do. But that's a phase of life, not the be-all and end-all. I will live with my spouse is until one of us dies. I am responsible for his debts and I benefit from his earnings. Our children, thank God, will be building their own homes and families within a couple of decades. We won't be their first priority and they won't be ours, although I hope and believe that we'll still be close, and I full expect to contribute to setting them up in adult life as we are able. 

20 is still a fairly young adult. I think it makes sense for parents, if they can afford to, to help out a 20-year-old financially. But if the husband and wife aren't in agreement as to the extent and nature of the support, then that's a major problem that needs to be worked out between them.