Husband wants a child of our own and I am freaking out about this..

[tremama]

My husband (of 1 year)  and I have been going back and forth about whether or not to have another baby . Actually, it is me who is going back and forth. Basically,  he was never married no kids, and I came into the relationship with 2 kids and previously divorced. We played around with the topic of adding on to our family even before we got married. From the beginning, I expressed a lot of concern and doubtfulness about having any more children ( some reasons to name a few:  freedom, monetary issues, no desire for more kids, how will another child affect my other children, stress level is in the red zone). I have become extremely career-minded, and while I love my girls beyond belief I am stressed out and overwhelmed as a parent.  To be honest, I cannot wait  for the weekend to roll around that they go to their father's so I can get a "break"- I know this sounds selfish, and believe me I feel selfish for even thinking that.  I realize that as my children get older, the "gap" between them and a new child would prolong my dream of being more independent. There are days I yearn for them to be old enough to where I can go on vacations and getaways with my childless friends. Also, I have been offered a new position at  my job that would require me to fly out of state "X" amount of times a year (10+) and I know that would not be realistic with another baby.

One of my friends suggested I agree to have another child "for him" so long as  he agrees to be the primary caregiver, almost like a "role reversal". I have actually considered this as maybe an ideal route in which he a) gets to have a child of his own  and b) I can continue with my career and still parent- but  as the secondary caregiver?  There are times that when I watch him play with my girls that I get an overwhelming sense of pride and happiness, and think about what a great father he would be, but at the same time  thinking about  being a parent again is just scary and causes me to go into a tailspin. I asked him if he would be okay without having any more kids and his reply was "yeah, I guess", but I feel deep down he seems disappointed, and I am wondering if this disappointment would turn into hostility and resentment.  I feel really alone and alot of my girlfriends cannot be supportive of me, not out of cruelty  but because they haven't been in this type of predicament. Most of my friends fall in the group of either  the "play date moms" or the "childfree ladies". Any helpful advice would be appreciated. Thanks!

[tooraloora]

Personally, I wouldn't make the decision to have another child unless both potential parents were on board. I love my DD more than life, but we had a really rough start. The troubles with nursing and PPD likely had a whole lot to do with it, but there was definitely some underlying resentment because I was pushed into having a child I wasn't ready to have, and it was hard to work through that. I could never voluntarily put myself (or a future child) in that position. However, I'd definitely try to work with him on this and see if maybe some day in the future you might be able to arrange something in which you would feel at peace with the idea of having another baby. His needs are important, too, after all. If having a child with him as the primary caregiver feels like a workable solution for your family, by all means, you should definitely explore that idea. But when it comes right down to it, I wouldn't make the leap unless I was truly okay with the idea of having another child. It wouldn't be fair to me or to the child. 

[tremama]

Thanks, tooraloora- I too suffered from PPD, I wonder if that had anything to do with my dilemma. Although my situation differs because I wasn't forced into having a child. ..I appreciate your insight!

[aricha]

I am a working mom and my husband is (and always has been) the primary caregiver for our kids. I work a lot less now, but I used to work 60 hours a week (at least) and he was home with them. While it means that I have the freedom to have my career and work the schedule I need to work, I will say that it does NOT reduce parenting stress all that much. When I am home they still come to me for things. When they are infants, while he is a million times more helpful than a lot of my friends' husbands, I still have a huge role with nursing and their general care. Also, because he is home with the kids all day, I try to give him some kid-free time in the evenings and on weekends, so I actually parent most of the time I am not working. And the kids miss me when I am gone, so they get their "mama time" when I am at home, which often means they need me in the middle of the night. I also don't know the ins and outs of my kids' day-to-day stuff as my husband does, so it can be more challenging for me to do simple things like choose their meals and put them down for naps because I don't have much practice-- I don't know their normal routines and they are used to the way their Papa does it, not the way I do it. It can be emotionally challenging to be a mom and realize that someone else is better at soothing, comforting, and taking care of basic needs for your babies. 

I'm not discouraging you from considering the idea of having dad be the primary caretaker because it is absolutely wonderful for our kids and they are thriving in his care. Especially now that I am working less and can participate in a lot of their activities, I feel more connected to their day-to-day lives. And I choose to share as much of their care as I can, so perhaps it would be possible for me to do less if I chose to, given different circumstances. I just want to let you know that, at least for us, having dad be the primary caregiver doesn't relieve me of as much parenting stress as you might imagine. I'm not saying it wouldn't work differently for someone else, as our situations are a bit different, but I thought it might be useful to hear from another working mom married to a stay-at-home dad. 

[scairns]

I think it is pretty selfish of you to not give him a child after he has taken on 2 kids that are not his. I had 4 kids when my hubby came aboard and I told him I will have as many kids as he would like as long as we were done by the time I was a certain age. Its the least I could do for him to come in and take my children as his own. Just my opinion 

[VocalMinority]

Quote:

Originally Posted by scairns 

I think it is pretty selfish of you to not give him a child after he has taken on 2 kids that are not his. I had 4 kids when my hubby came aboard and I told him I will have as many kids as he would like as long as we were done by the time I was a certain age. Its the least I could do for him to come in and take my children as his own. Just my opinion 

I think people need to be as honest as possible about their desires and intentions, going into a marriage - and then not be disappointed if the other person's desires and intentions don't change.

Scairns, you told your husband you'd have more kids for him.  So it was reasonable of him to expect that, once he married you.  It sounds like the OP was honest with her husband, that she had grave reservations about having any more children.  So, if he feels disappointed about not having any of his own, the root of his problem is his own choice to marry a woman who didn't want more kids; not her unwillingness to bear them.

OP, two (conflicting) thoughts:

1-  You are wise to acknowledge that parenthood can't be approached like adopting a puppy:  "OK, honey, I got you a dog.  And I'll love it and think it's cute and cuddle with it when I can, but let's be clear:  you wanted a puppy, I didn't, so it's yours to raise."  I am, of course, oversimplifying.  I realize your thoughts about children are not this simplistic!  I'm just supporting you, in not just considering your DH's thoughts and motivations about having children (since he would be the primary caretaker), but also exploring your own.  They matter!  They would matter, to the kid.

2-  Depending on how you feel about children themselves, you might find yourself reacting differently to having one later in life.  

I had twins in my early twenties.  Don't get me wrong - I love them, have always enjoyed spending time with them, stayed home with them and did all sorts of things with them, when they were little.  But their dad and I split up when they were two and, like you, I looked forward to their time with him.  I didn't even feel guilty about it!  They needed that time with him.  And I needed to see my girlfriends (none of whom had kids yet); clean the house without kids messing it up again as I went; take a bubble bath and read a book in QUIET; even go on the occasional date or to a party!  

I assumed once they were older I'd be eager to jump into career mode.  Then I fell in love, got married...and wound up with another baby in my mid-thirties!  And I can scarcely stand to be away from him.  I thought it might be weird, for DH and me (who both have custody of our kids from before - so, for example, they all go with their other parents every spring break) to NEVER have time away from this child, unless we arranged a babysitter.  (You know, like "normal" parents!)

But he's the last child for both of us.  We're watching our older ones age, which makes us realize how short a time they - and our baby, too - will be in our home.  And there's something especially magical about raising a child with his other parent, when you truly, deeply love that other parent and feel secure that you're staying together.  It doesn't make you love the child any more - I love our other kids like crazy, too.  I don't love the baby more.  But it does make you love parenting even more.  It just does.  And I didn't know that or expect it, until I was in the midst of it.  So, you might consider that.

[purslaine]

Who is going to watch the kids if you take the job with 10 plus days of travel per year?

How old are you?  (not being snoopy - fertility related question - and I am wondering if waiting is an option)

[Imakcerka]

While I feel for him, because he want's a child of his own and I understand how deep rooted that desire can be.  If you were upfront and said you didn't think you'd want to do it all over again then I don't think you should have to.  Getting pregnant, carrying a baby and all the other stuff that goes with it is not just a simple task. 

Good luck mama, I don't think you should do something  your heart is not into.

[lovepickles]

People change their minds all the time. That is their right.

In my opinion a mother should never plan to raise a baby that she doesn't want for herself. Spouses die (sorry but they do). Having a baby to be "fair" is a juvenile concept ... similar to pacts that are made prior to marriage like we will never get fat or I won't cut my hair. Yes babies are more serious but I also believe that you don't have babies to keep a marriage together and this is exactly what this is. Call me an idealist but a child deserves to be completely wanted by the mother. If you do decide to have a baby drop all of this "I'm doing it for you" and own it. If you can't do that then don't have another.

Edited by lovepickles - 10/18/11 at 3:01pm

[Mulvah]

Originally Posted by scairns 

I think it is pretty selfish of you to not give him a child after he has taken on 2 kids that are not his. I had 4 kids when my hubby came aboard and I told him I will have as many kids as he would like as long as we were done by the time I was a certain age. Its the least I could do for him to come in and take my children as his own. Just my opinion 

Maybe it is just the way this was written, but this kinda rubs me the wrong way.  If the genders were reversed, would you feel the same way?  Regardless, we are talking about humans.  We aren't talking about whether the OP should give her husband a motorcycle for the holidays; children are not something you just give someone because they want one. 

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by scairns 

I think it is pretty selfish of you to not give him a child after he has taken on 2 kids that are not his. I had 4 kids when my hubby came aboard and I told him I will have as many kids as he would like as long as we were done by the time I was a certain age. Its the least I could do for him to come in and take my children as his own. Just my opinion 

This is contradictory... if he took in your kids as his own, then he already has kids of his own, doesn't he? My husband considers my two from a previous marriage his kids, he'd have wanted a third whether they shared his genes or not. I made him a dad by inviting him into our lives and he's grateful for that... I've given him two kids. It would not have been selfish at all of me to be honest with him that I didn't want a third child, were that the case. Biology means very little to a parent who is deeply committed. 

[Buzzbuzz]

Let's be real.  If there's no adoption, she could walk out tomorrow and step-dad would never have the right to see her kids again.  That's a little bit different than having a biological child of your own.

[Mummoth]

Originally Posted by Buzzbuzz 

Let's be real.  If there's no adoption, she could walk out tomorrow and step-dad would never have the right to see her kids again.  That's a little bit different than having a biological child of your own.

That's not true where I am. My kids' stepdad would have a very good chance of getting liberal visitation (every other weekend+) if he and I were to split. We consulted with a lawyer about adoption, which unfortunately we found would be difficult without XH's consent. However we also learned that even as things stand now if I were to die, DH would likely get custody of the kids... XH would even have to pay child support to him! The latter part of that is quite unusual... XH is not a fit parent/not involved at all... but it is very common for step parents to have continued legally protected access to the kids after a divorce here.

[VocalMinority]

Originally Posted by Mummoth 

... it is very common for step parents to have continued legally protected access to the kids after a divorce here.

Let's hope someday the States become so enlightened!

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Jeannine and Lovespickles both made some really good comments. Man, it's so hard not to sympathize with your DH! But you were honest with him from the start...and that counts for a WHOLE lot as far as I'm concerned.

OP, really read what Jeannine wrote toward the end of her post, about parenting with someone you love deeply and are deeply committed to, who is an actual partner to you. Even if it makes things harder or if it is every bit as inconvenient as one thinks it would be o have a kid...I've never actually met a sane, whole person who would "take back" any of their kids. My poor mother is STILL parenting my youngest sibling, who just turned 16, and I'm almost 30 years old..... There are so many reasons why it's a total pain in the neck to have three of your kids LONG gone and one little fuzzyhead kid still at home...but my mother wouldn't give her back for anything in the world and is glad every day to know her. Their relationship is SO different...she parents SO differently than she did when I was living under her roof. Every kid brings stress and every kid brings joy a thousand times deeper than that stress. It's just the way they're built. I'm not saying any of that because I think it will make you want to have kids...rather, it is because I think that if you DID have another baby, you would end up being glad for it. Perspective and circumstance can make a world of difference in totally changing the quality of an experience.

But I also don't know how wise it is to have a when you have an ACTUAL plan you are trying to make happen for yourself. I don't think that "Well, it'll probably be great in the end" is really good enough in this case. I'm still close enough to the baby phase of my life, so even though this pregnancy was a GIGANTIC shock (for a LOT of the same reasons you don't want to have another - I was JUST starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, things were getting SO easy!) for us, our kids are just 3 and almost 2, so there won't be a huge gap. If I were you and my kids were older....man, it might be REALLY hard to go back to babyland. I do NOT blame you for not wanting that and I think you should be really careful about giving in to any pressure or guilt because of his longing.

You would be sacrificing a LOT to give him this. Your mind, body and whole life path would shift. I think a child is worth it, the shift, but you've already had two. You are the maker of your future, you are the captain of your ship. Look at where you are now and where you want to be....realize that the path through life can end up being much, much different than we envision...but still a heck of a good ride. Maybe having a baby would put off some of your plans by another eight years or ten years...depending on how old your current children are. Could you handle getting to some of those goals you have for yourself a decade later in life than you'd planned? If the answer is no, that you couldn't handle that, then you have to stick with that.

The truth is, if you had an "oopsy" and this decision were made for you by some hand of fate....everything would be alright in the end, you and your girls and you DH and the baby he was meant to have. You would be happy. Everything would be okay in the end. But "Everything would be okay in the end" doesn't mean you should just roll with it and do this, because you are allowed to plan your life the way you think you want it to go. You've set goals for yourself. You are on a career path you like. You were honest with him about all of this.