Originally Posted by lairaja
Can anyone commiserate? Homebirth is such an amazing life-changing experience. I wonder if anyone else goes through this annual sadness.
I didn't have a homebirth, but since since you x-posted this in Childhood Years, I'll respond. I feel a huge mix of emotions on my LO's birthday, including grief, so you're not alone in that experience.
Giving birth is a life-changing experience, no matter where or how it happens. It's a transformation on many levels--physical, spiritual, inter-personal--and I would say that for many of us it takes awhile to really wrap our heads around that transformation. I also think that our culture doesn't support mothers in having complex, multifaceted journeys into motherhood. We're just supposed to seamlessly adjust to life as a mother and our complex emotions are too often considered "neurotic."
Here's where I think my sadness around DD's birthday comes from:
--Remembering & processing the traumatic aspects of her birth. And the difficulty of my first year with her, as I battled a breast infection, dealt with crippling sleep deprivation, etc. It just wasn't a very happy time for me, even though I really wanted to be a mom, had worked very hard to get there, and loved my DD like crazy.
--Remembering myself before I became a mom & grieving the parts of myself that are dormant now that I'm a parent.
--Giving birth somehow awakened in me a heightened awareness of death, and that comes up for me from time to time. It's not necessarily a bad thing...just an awareness that by bringing another life into the world, I also brought another death, and feeling some fear and pain around that.
Also, any big change can evoke sadness. Transformation is powerful & painful, and becoming a mom is quite a huge transformation. Sadness that comes and goes is part of life, when we're fully human that's just part of the ride.
If your sadness is persistent, seems unshakeable, and is interfering with your ability to get through the day, it might be something more serious, and that's worth checking out. But some annual sadness around your DS's birth doesn't seem abnormal to me. Let it flow. Emotions are like the weather...they keep changing.
Peace to you.