On Again, Off Again is Now Just Off...Social Isolation....LONG

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Hey guys....didn't know where else to go...[Added in at the end- I apologize that this is so long....even if no one reads this, I needed to get this off my heart..I'm not sure yet if it helped...but thank you. I have no social outlet. I really have NO friends-maybe one, but she's busy with her own family--MDC is really all I have]

Me and my SO (Jamaal) broke up on Valentines Day (this year). We've broken up in the past, but never like this. I didn't move out because mostly, I have no where to go (my parents are verbally abusive to me, my father is physically abusive to me and I have no other friends or family), and also so we could raise DS together and not keep uprooting him(we just moved into this apt. in October 2003).

His reasons-"We're too different". We've been together over 6 years and have a son who just turned 5 in March. Took him plenty of time to realize that, huh?

Lately he's been acting like a jerk...tells me he's going to a restaurant with his friends, comes home at 5:30am-he'd been at a club... So, I ask him that if he's going to be going out again, can he please come home earlier so I am not tired in the am (I have to unlatch the door to let him in when he decides to come home). He freaks out "You can't tell me what to do-I'm not your boyfriend! If I wanted a curfew, I'd turn 16 and move back in with my parents!" (LOL-WTF? Sounds funny in retrospect) He then proceeds to tell me that I can no longer "force" him to hang out with me (WTF?). Then, he explains to me that he can't stand living with me and he hates his life because of the way I act. When I said that he should WANT to hang out with me, he says, almost exact words "So if some girl just walks up to me in the streets, I should have to hang out with her because she says she's my friend? And don't give me this crap that I've known you for 6 years". OMG I couldn't even say anything, I just walked away and cried so hard. is that all I mean to him? I'm equal to a stranger on the street in him mind...in his heart?? [BTW, the "forcing" him to hang out refers to me telling him-not asking-that I rented Gothika for us to watch together last Friday]

I don't understand this...I've done everything for this man (not the correct term I guess) and our son. I got pg. when I was in between 10th and 11th grade, Jamaal had just graduated. He still moved to Philly (we live on long island NY) to go to college for a year, coming back every other weekend or every three. The, he lived on campus at a NY school. He went to Temple in PA and CW Post in NY (both VERY expensive schools-paid for by mommy and daddy). He goes out whenever he wants to, with whomever he wants to, for as long as he wants to....

Me? I went to community college (paid for by myself out of pocket) and lived in an abusive home, then finally to a private college (paid for out of pocket and loans and fin. aid). I NEVER go out because a. I really don't have friends....the social isolation is killing me...I feel like I'm wilting. b. I don't have the time/energy c. Because he usually has plans anyway. d. I feel bad spending money on clubs and restaurants when I can't afford my text books and I'm constantly telling my son"Not today, I don't have the money"

He holds it over my head all the time that HE pays the rent and that I hardly work (Hello? I'm going to school FT, working 2 days a week, taking care of DeVante, cooking, cleaning, grocery shopping, ironing, paying the bills)...

But then sometimes he's the sweetest man I can imagine. He used to care so much about me, used to tell me that all he needed in his life were me and DeVante....couldn't wait to move in together....we were engaged (I broke it off about 5 years ago)...he always said the right things when I was sad...my pain was his pain ("I'd give anything to take your stress from you and bear it myself")...used to daydream with me about our future...now he acts so distant, like he couldn't care less about me, like my problems bother him.

When he acts like he does now, I swear, it's physically painful. It hurts so bad, knowing that I live for him and our son, and now...I don't know. The sad part is, I still look at him and want to marry him(once he grows the hell up anyway). I keep thinking about how he used to be, and I don't understand how someone can change so much-it's like I don't even know him. But still, I can't imagine not growing old with him. (God I am crying so hard right now).

What do I do? I don't want to live with someone who feels so negatively about me....but my only option is moving back with my parents, who I doubt would hit me (my dad), but smoke around us, and who are emotionally/verbally abusive.

I feel trapped....I feel like my soul is dying....I never thought he "couldn't satnd" me...I mean, we argued, but...damn. I really feel like just giving up. And to be spiteful, he asks DeVante (wthout consulting me 1st) "Wanna go see Grandma and Grandpa and you can play the playstation and go on Nick Jr.com?", and of course he got all excited, so now they're sleeping over there and having Easter dinner at his parent's house. I had planned dying eggs, making a cake....just being together. So now I'm alone for Easter (until 6pm anyway)

Last night DeVante was saying his prayers and it went something like this ".....and thank you for letting Jacob come over, and please let momma and daddy stop fighting so much, and please let me grow up and be stronger than daddy"....and it killed me inside. We try not to argue in front of him, but he's not dumb. I hate Jamaal for changing, I hate myself for changing and falling for him and still loving him, and I hate both of us for not being the parents DeVante deserves.


Okay, let me end this. Again, I'm so sorry...I just don't know what to do with myself...I've eaten so much crap today, a mixture of depression, stress and PMS-a deadly mixture!

Thank you all,
Kelly

[fishy]

kelly,
i am so sorry you are going thru this. it sucks hard to have the man you thought youd be with tell you that stuff. i know, ive been there. hugs!

my opinion? get out. do what you have to do but make a plan and move on. even if you make a plan to be out in 6 mnths. do not live like this. do you feel like you deserve to be treated this way? do you want your child to grow up thinking this is how a man (using the term loosely) should treat the mother of his child? his girlfriend? a stranger on the street even? a stray dog?

when i left my verbally/emotionally abusive relationship, it came down to self respect and a role model for my son. i felt like if i didnt change something (everything) then i had absolutely no self respect, and i couldnt live that way anymore. i am worth a LOT as a human being and i need to make sure that the environment my son is growing up in is healthy. moving him around wont damage him near as much as being in that environment.

there are a lot of resources out there for single mamas. you can sign up for section 8 (there are usually waiting lists, so the sooner hte better) there are programs for tuition assistance, welfare (especially if you think you wont be getting child support from jamaal) there are food stamps, and child care subsidies (is DeVante in school already?) it is all very scary and a daunting task to research. there is a forum on mothering for moms in school, maybe you could post on there and get some ideas on how they do things. there is always support here and there is ALWAYS a way to do what you want to do. use tomorrow alone to do research on the web, or else, start on your plan. write down you goals and a way to get to them.

i respect you for trying to make it work with your baby's daddy. it just doesnt always happen the way we want. i know, i tried for a long time to make it with my sons dad. but in the end, i had to leave and i am a stronger, happier, better person for taking care of myself. and my son is better off b/c he has a happy mommy and he sees me taking care of us. good luck, mama!

[mocha09]

Echo Fishy.

I'm getting that you are grieving for the relationship you once had, and still hoping that it returns. It's a hard thing to accept.

I lived with dd's dad for a few months after we broke up. It is HARD! I finally got in a space where I could emotionally distance myself from him. No expectations..... the biggest thing for me was not to ask him questions about where he had been or what he had been doing, even if they were not asked in anger, because he always got defensive and it always turned into a fight.

I am in school and supporting myseld and dd on grants and loans. Like Fishy said, it can be done.

Please keep posting. Especially with no one IRL to talk to, this is a great place to get it out and get support.

[Penticton mama]

Being a single mom and a student is hard! But like stated above it can be done. You seem to have your future in sight. A Midwife! That is wonderful! You are a douls, childbirth edu, and a student. I think you are a woman who treasures empowering women.

I'm single now (also a doula and on the midwifery track) and it is working out. I didn't think it would. You can get funding, tag team up with another local doula in your area and swap child care and start on the path toward your goals.

You will see that the pain seems to fade a little and you can think a little better. Maybe he will be able to step back and take the situation in. I think I would recomend sitting down with you boy friend and telling him how you feel and asking him what he wants. Would he go of any couples groups? They are free through local churches. Ask him about splitting up and lay all the cards down on the table. Stick up for yourself.
It is WAY easier said than done I know.
Do what you feel is right, for you and your son!

Good luck in what ever you do!
Erin

[anothermama]

oh wow.

It's late here and I can't think straight enough to offer you anything but I wanted to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this.



I understand how you are feeling.....I think a lot of us do.

[CookieMonsterMommy]

"update" of sorts

First-thank you ALL so much for your advice and word of encouragement. I really needed some virtual shoulders to cry on.

Well, we're going to talk on Tuesday....And hopefully it will be a talk, not a yell. I moved most of my stuff out while he was at his Mommy's house, so maybe seeing the emptiness will effect him at least somewhat. Who knows.

Tonight he's going to TGIFridays with his co-workers, and it wouldn't surprise me if he went to the club afterwards. Doesn't he have ANY desire to be with his "family" on Easter??

I hate to sound so needy and pathetic, but I'm not dealing with this very well. I guess I have to give it time. But I still haven't fully accepted this as a finality. I can't. Not yet. I know I need counseling....I've talked to him about counseling, and he's said he'd go for me....whatever that means, but he says he doesn't think it will help ("Black people don't go to counseling"--->What a loser). Plus he's only willing to go on Saturdays b'cuz he works Mon-Fri (he's a HS teacher and usually home by 3:30pm!). To be honest I'm not sure I want to go anymore. I don't even want to look at him if he has such little respect for me...

But again, thank you very much for allof your words, and I really hope no-one is thinking "Will this loser just shut up!?!". I know that you all have your problems too, and I appreciate every thing. I've read many of your other posts, but right now have no advice to offer anyone...sorry

Thanks,
Kelly

[wemoon]

Hon, no one thinks you should stop talking about this, talking is the only way to work through it. For me, I made the decision to leave, and my heart grew very cold towards X. I made all the plans before I actually moved out, to get welfare and foodstamps. I set up a job and an apt. He tried very hard to get back with me, and I fell for it for awhile. But it was the same 'ol crap after awhile, and just finally split again a couple months ago, and it is so final.

It is so hard. I know your place, I had been there before. X and I broke up SO many times and all the first times I felt devastated, like I had no reason to live. But then I found the strength within me, and the desire for a better life and a LOVE for MYSELF. I think that is the key, to love and respect yourself enought to know what is best for you and your child. It took me a long time to get to that point, but I KNOW that was the only way I could feel good about seperating. I'm so much happier now, than all my years with X. I have so much going for me right now, and bringing him back into that would just bring me down.

I don't know if my rambling about myself helped any, but the only way I know to help out is to talk about my experiences.

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

[Soul-O]

Oh sweetie, big hugs to you. I felt so badly for you when I read your posts. You are obviously a bright, warm, sensitive, caring person with a great head on her shoulders and so much to give the world. You deserve to be happy and positive, not dragged through the mud by Jamaal. Your son deserves to see you in the best light possible, not sad and lonely like this. It is high time you found a way out into the world for yourself. The other ladies have given you wonderful advice - get whatever assistance you need and move out completely. Considering that Jamaal has a good job, you should have no problem getting a decent custody/support order in place. Do so as quickly as possible.

I wish you luck and happiness. Please keep posting here - this is a fantastic forum full of great people, and I know we can help each other.

With love,

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Update of "The Talk"

sigh.....I feel like a total idiot.

We talked on Tuesday, he apologized for what he said (which I do believe he meant, because he is not one of those guys who just apologizes whenever....he rarely does, and when he does he means it). We agreed to keep living together and try to act nicer towards each other-he had some very good points (he has never given me any reason to think he was unfaithful, and believe me, I've made him let me listen to his voicemail, read e-mail, etc), and I do have to stop acting like his mother (on the same end we agreed that he has to stop acting like a child). We decided I would keep sleeping on the couch and he on the bed (I made that choice because I prefer the livingroom)

Okay, okay okay, all's going great until I get back from work.

We're sitting on the couch, watching some nonsense on TV... He out of nowhere tells me how much he missed me and Vante while we were gone, he cried, etc... And then (again guys, I feel so stupid)...we had sex. We both initiated it, and he asked me many many times if I was going to regret this, am I sure I wanted to do this, etc....and of course I assured him, no, it's fine, I want to etc (and at the time I did! It had been so long since the last time, I love him, we were making up, I was very emotionally "unstable" for lack of a better term, whatever). After wards, we spent the night in his bed.
Yesterday (wednesday), he convinced me to sleep in his bed (we did nothing physical at all), and I asked him would he consider going back out with me, and he said no, not right now. To tell the truth, neither would I right now, but thta's not what I wanted to hear, so I dunno.

I'm not at square one again, but I'm farther back than I was 3 days ago. My mind is all messed up (confused). I want to be with him, but we're really not good for each other right now. I've decided to take your advice, and I'm looking into food stamps and section 8 (I already get Medicaid for myself and my son), but welfare will be very hard with the new reforms and all....So at least my options are open.

I'm going to the health center this week and looking into couples counseling....and I've told him that if he really wanted to make this work, he'll look thru his insurence book and call around too.

I'm going to talk with him tonight, and I think I'll re-evaluate in a month--if we can't respectfully cohabitate, OR if we "slip" again then I will 100% move out (I've already sworn this to him and myself and my son). If we can behave and get along good, then I'll stay.

I really hope that we can....I do want to be with him and marry him one day...but I know that can't be possible right now.

Thank you all for your advice. I really do appreciate everything.

Best Wishes, Kelly

[Quirky]

Kelly, I'm going to say something you probably don't want to hear, and you can ignore me if you want, but here goes.

Honey, this man is using you and taking you for a ride.

Let's look at it from his perspective:

1) He gets to go where he wants and do what he wants when he wants, and he doesn't answer to you.

2) He doesn't have to pay child support because you're living there and taking care of his son.

3) He's getting free housekeeping and chef services from you.

4) He gets to have no-obligation sex with you when he feels like it.

5) He gets to play super-cool daddy-o to your ds when he feels like it, but he's not responsible for ds' care day in and day out.

6) And he doesn't have to give you a ring, or even a commitment!

Kelly, I think you need to keep working to get out of there. I think when you put a little physical distance between you and Jamaal, and have some independence of your own, your perspective will be a lot clearer on how much Jamaal has been treating you like dirt.

Also, I think you're not giving Jamaal any reason to respect you, because you are letting him walk all over you. If you move out, and live on your own, and he wants to be with you at that point, well, you can evaluate things then and see how you feel about your relationship with him. Maybe if you put yourself in a frame of mind and a place to meet other men, you will realize that there are plenty of good men out there who will not use and disrespect you like Jamaal has.

I can hear how hard this is for you, but I don't see anything healthy in this situation for you or your son.

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Quirky,

I completely understand where you are coming from. And with many points, I agree (as much as it sucks to). However, the sex thing was equally my "fault" as it was his. That's not denial, that's the truth (I kinda wish it was him seducing me or whatever so then I could "blame" him and tell myself that I was the innocent one).

And as far as child support goes, what he pays in rent and utilities (I pay nothing towards those) is much more than what I could ever "collect" from him. If he were going to be living by himself, he'd get a studio or something. Right now he pays about $1,200 a month and I have a place to stay for free. If/when I move out, I'd probably get about $300-$500 a month, which is not enough to get ANY place around here, let alone a decent place.

BUT-everything else you said is basically true. And that sucks. Which is why I'm keeping my options open (getting info about food stamps and welfare, section 8, etc), and why we're having this talk tonight. The talk will mainly be the "conditions" of living together. Mine will be that I will NOT be left in the dark as to where he is and when he'll be back (I'll admit that I may be out of bounds wanting to know WHO he's with, but the other 2 details are not debatable). He WILL call me if he'll be late, and I will have the right to tell him, no, I will not be available to unlatch the door for him, watch DeVante, etc. We will NOT have sex (one strike and I'm out). I will NOT continue to be the only person cooking, cleaning and shopping. There will be NO yelling at each other (me or him) in front of DeVante, or within hearing distance of him--constructive arguements/debates will be okay, as I want DeVante to see that people do disagree at times, and it can be solved with respect. If any of these conditions are not met or agreed upon, I leave as soon as possible.
As far as commitment goes, we're not "together" but it's been verbalized and understood that when one person begins to date someone else, I will leave.

But it will take me time to find a place...I lived in a homeless shelter for a little while in 2001, and we kept logs of places we called to rent, and the sad fact is--most places on Long Island do NOT accept Section 8, and there is a LOT of discrimination against low-income single mothers (legal or not, it's there and it's real). Anyways, in my log, I had called about 30 places in 2 days, and only 3 of them accepted Section 8. Both places had 3-6 month waiting lists (and this is after you have to wait to get to the top of Section 8th waiting list!!), and one of them didn't even offer 2 bedroom apts, and wouldn't let 2 ppl share a bedroom (which is dumb, because we co-sleep often)....

I'll check back in when I can (no internet at the apt).
Thank you for your support, encouragement, advice, etc.

--Kelly

[Quirky]

I am glad to hear you will be setting some ground rules for this guy! And I'm sorry to hear how hard it is on LI - any possibility you could move somewhere else to finish school? Like in state but somewhere less expensive to live?

I don't "blame" either of you for the sex - hey, I have slept with exes and people who were downright losers, and it was entirely voluntary on my part. It doesn't mean they aren't using you even if you agree to it, though.

Hang in there, mama.

[CookieMonsterMommy]

Things are getting better (although not as good as I would like). He is much more respectful of me, and I am of him. We haven't done anything physical, but I've noticed that before he goes to work, he kisses me on my forehead while I'm sleeping (or halfway sleeping anyway).

He now asks if he can go out, and hasn't been more than 10 minutes late (compared to the 5-6 hours he's been late in the past). I try not to give him a hard time about going out, but to tell the truth, that's hard for me because I am jealous that he has so many friends, and I have maybe 2 that I see once every month or two. Like I said in my OP, I do have social isolation issues to deal with.

I'm trying to find a therapist, because I really need someone to talk to who will not judge me (not outwardly anyway). Then after I'm a little "better" (his words and mine), then we will go for couples counseling. I think I'm also going to start back on the St. John's Wart.


I have an appt for food stamps next month...just to keep my options open, and also if we are still living together, it will be a great help, as I am quitting my job soon due to my summer school schedule (I will be going 6 days a week from 8-4 or 9-5 for the 1st 5 weeks, then it drops down to 3 days a week)

Thank you all for your support and advice. Quirky, I think you'll make a great mom to teenagers with that "tough-love" approach!

Best Wishes, Kelly

[Quirky]

I am glad to hear things are going better!

I'm not trying to be a hard-ass, really I'm not - I have been in way too many loser relationships in my life though and your posts really rang a bell with me. I hope and pray my kids won't repeat some of the mistakes I made out of a fundamental lack of self-esteem and self-respect.

Keep doing what you need to do to stay strong and make a good life for yourself and your ds.