I don't really know where to post this, but I have to get it all out and I really need an outside opinion.
My little sister came to visit me for her 19th birthday last week. Our parents are incredibly neglectful in that they never gave either of us the basic life skills required to live on our own. I dropped out of school at 16 and moved in with my boyfriend 800 miles away to get away from their toxic behavior. At that time I was so deeply anxious that I could not order my own food at a restaurant. I never learned to cook, clean, or do laundry. Basic personal hygiene skills like shaving and doing my hair and make up in a presentable way were never taught to me. I had to learn all of these things on my own over the past 8 years. I was always fiercely independent, which is why I learned to drive (I basically taught myself through video games).
I was fortunate, in that my boyfriend was able to provide a supportive place for me to learn these skills. I still struggle with my social anxiety and because of that I have a very difficult time getting and keeping jobs or making friends.
My little sister does not have that independent streak. At 19, she still can not ride a bike, read a map, follow simple directions from one place to another or do any of the other skills I listed above. She also dropped out of school at 16, and in the three years since then has just sat at home, doing nothing. She has been to a few therapists, but my parents always invariably stop paying the therapy bills and so she never really gets the chance to develop a good relationship with her therapist.
Anyways, I have been having a really hard time lately with depression. When my mother brought up the idea of my sister coming for her birthday, I agreed to it. However, my mother is completely untrustworthy and toxic (which is another story), but suffice it to say, after a long drawn out changing of plans over and over and over without any input from me, she began calling me repeatedly the day before she was going to leave. I believe she called me twelve times that day. Finally I responded and said that I just didn't think I could handle all of this right now, and could we please postpone the trip. She showed up the next day anyways.
So I went into this houseguest situation not in a good place mentally to begin with. I did my best to stay cheerful though, and over time my sister began to come out of the shell she builds around herself. After about a week of her being here, she started to look for jobs. She's applied to probably 10 places at this point and called one back (she has terrible phone anxiety). I'm very supportive of her getting a job and finding an apartment here, and I really want to try to help her the way my boyfriend helped me.
But she's not self-directed at all. I have to wake her up every afternoon and tell her to take her thyroid medication, tell her to get dressed, tell her to please take her blanket and pillow off my couch, tell her to clean up after herself, tell her to eat, tell her to fill out applications and how to answer the questions on the applications. It's absolutely exhausting. On top of all this my house is a one bedroom studio, with no doors between the bedroom and the living room or between the bedroom and the bathroom, and you have to walk through the bedroom to get to the bathroom. It's very cramped and I have lost any and all semblance of privacy.
I talked to my SO about it and he doesn't mind her being here and really thinks that it's my job to help her in any way that I can because there's no one else in the world who can or will do it. This makes me feel absolutely horribly guilty for wanting to send her back. Her home is in an extremely isolated rural area, she has no friends who can take her anywhere so she is just stuck in the toxic spiral of my parents. She brought this prescription strength nasal spray with her because she said she had a congestion problem, but I told her I bet she wouldn't use it once while she was here because the reason she needs it is because the house she lives in with my parents is overrun with diseased animals and the whole place smells like a urine-soaked kennel, and I was right, she hasn't had to use it.
It would be fine if I just had a spare bedroom, but I don't and I'm going crazier and crazier every day. Right now she is crying in the bathroom because I came home at 4:30pm and she was still on the couch asleep so I said some really mean things that I shouldn't have. My anger really isn't directed at her, but at my parents for not providing her any life skills whatsoever.
I have told her that I'm going stir crazy from lack of personal space, and she totally understands, but she just really wants to stay here in this town and try to start an independent life.
I feel totally stuck and trapped and I just need any kind of advice or guidance that anyone can give me.