Queer and Adopting

[maxK]

Hello,
DP and I are in the final stages of our adoption paperwork. We hope to be finished in the next month and start our wait for a birthmother to choose us. We are signed up with an agency that does open adoptions. DP is FTM and an adoptee and I am a queer identified woman. Are there any other singles or couples out there in the adoption process or have already gone through it?
There is an adoption forum on mothering.com, but I was hoping to form a community here in Queer Parenting.
Thanks,
Max

[2ezforyou]

Hey Max - Congrats on almost being finished with the paperwork! So great hearing from you and finding out that you're on this path. Thrilled! Question, if I may ask, are you and DP hoping for a newborn or are you open to other aged children? Just curious. A friend of mine works with an adoption agency in FL and they're very friendly.

Hope all is well!

[gumshoegirl007]

We're the adoptive parents of two children (siblings with the same mother) now ages 13 and 16.  We adopted them when they were 9 and 11.  Our adoption was a public adoption through children's aid here in Canada, and while technically it's closed, our kids have been in touch with their birth parents (long story about the internet making these connections happen).  So our journey was somewhat different than the one you're about to embark on. 

Best of luck in the waiting period.  They tell us here to move on with your lives and take on a project to keep your mind off of waiting.  I renoed our kitchen.

I think it's great to have a queer adoptive place so thanks for starting it!

[maxK]

2ez- We already have an adoption agency we are working with. They have offices around the country and they primarily work with birthmothers who want to place their baby at birth. So, most likely we would get a newborn but there are circumstances where it could be different. It is also an open adoption, so there will be contact with the birthfamily ongoing and that is something you negotiate when you meet them and you are 'matched'. Being matched is like an engagement.

Gum- I just started working on a little wall in my front garden strip. I am putting a rock veneer on it. We just bought our house a year ago so I have lots of projects to keep me busy. When you adopted in Canada, was it a smooth transition or what kind of emotional or legal problems came up? I'm trying to hear as many stories as I can to better prepare myself for any situation that may arise. Are you and your partner two women? Just curious if Canada is more open to queer couples? It seems here in California it is more common than other parts of this country.

A male gay couple friends of ours, who are using the same agency, were matched recently. Then about a month later the birth parents received both pressure and financial support from the grandparent so they changed their mind and unmatched with my friends. They are heartbroken but that is a reality of this dynamic, until final papers are signed it is not a done deal.

[gumshoegirl007]

Our adoption was a public adoption and we are fortunate to live in a city with the most progressive Children's Aid Society (CAS) in our country.  They've been actively recruiting queer and trans families for over 10 years now. About 1/3 of the 90+ kids adopted each year are placed with LGBTQ parents!  It's not that way across the country and I've heard some horror stories.  We're two women, and basically with our CAS, if you've done your work there's a strong likelihood of a match.

Adoption was an absolute emotional roller coaster and very much similar to TTC.  It took us 9 months from the time we were matched with our kids for them to come home to us.  Our adoption was on and off again several times throughout those 9 months.  I used to blog and have written about some of it here - heck I don't even remember what I wrote now, but if you're interested, maybe some of it will be of value to you.  I also have something else that I'll PM you about.

Since our kids were already crown wards at the time of adoption, we didn't have any legal issues to worry about.  Most of our challenges were around negotiating our relationship with our social worker, the foster parents and the kids themselves during the match and transition period.  We also adopted older kids who we wanted to very much have a say in choosing their forever family.  Then, once they moved in, we began the hard work of parenting and dealing with many of our kids' issues.  While this not likely your case, to contextualize issues kids who've been adopted through CAS may face, I always remind people that kids don't simply end up in foster care.  There's a really good reason why they're there.  We've dealt with attachment, behavioural and learning disabilities in addition to the emotional work our kids needed to do (and still need to do). 

The biggest piece of advice I have for prospective parents is to make sure you have a support network in place and I also like to flag for prospective parents to be on the look out for post-adoption depression.  I suffered from it, and at the time, it was only starting to be talked about and there was very little research out there.

[maxK]

Gum- I will do some research on post-adoption depression, as I have not heard of it. It sounds like an important piece to know about before the adoption takes place. DP and I have been aware that we are sensitive beings and tend to be affected on this level, we will plan accordingly.
As far as a support network, most of our friends are having sperm donor babies or have already adopted. I think we will have many resources for asking questions and planning visits. What other kind of support or network do you think is important to have when adopting?
I've been reading adoption books and autobiographical stories, but so far haven't come across any that really speak to me. I thought "The Kid" was super funny yet heart felt.