I haven't posted in a really long time. I feel like I can always come back here and get sound advice, so here goes; and thank you in advance for reading on!
I have a situation re; something that happened and it has gone unresolved. This is involving DS, DH, and me and my FIL who lives in another state (thank goodness).
Some things to know about FIL:
1.) He's an alcoholic and there have been many problems around this over the years (he doesn't admit he's one)
2.) He can be a bully to DH
3.) I have never fully respected him.
4.) He wasn't a big part of DH's life when he was growing up. (divorce)
5.) DH does not often stand up to FIL
As a family, DH, our son who is school-age and has Asperger's have visited FIL a handful of times. There have been minor arguments btwn. FIL and DH and it's usually about how FIL is inflexible and a grouch. He drinks too much, drinks around us, and is obviously different when he does.
The last time we were there (a week), FIL said something that he'd never said before to our son. Let me preface this by saying I am disgusted with myself and DH for not saying more and standing up to FIL. I am sickened that I didn't do more and I failed as a parent. I hate myself for NOT doing more.
In a nutshell, over the week FIL said in different variations that he'd wanted to have DS sleep in his bed. No, not DS by himself; in FIL's bed at the same time. WTF? Once he said it to me and I was shocked and dumbfounded. I had no idea what to say. I muttered something like "I don't think so". I told DH immediately and he was in shock as well. He questioned it and said he didn't recall anything from his childhood that was unordinary like that. Then again, FIL wasn't around much. Another time FIL asked DS! and I was in the room. I went over, stood behind DS so he couldn't see me and mouthed "NO" to FIL very firmly and with conviction. This happens again when DH can see us but doesn't hear all that's going on. Again, I tell DH later that he needs to SAY SOMETHING ASAP and this is wrong!
Next FIL asks DH when I'm out of the room but they don't know I can hear. DH says no and doesn't add to it. By the end of the week, neither one of us has stood up to FIL and the last night DH and I are out of the room packing. FIL and DS are in another room and watching tv. I hear FIL say to DS "can I sit next to you?" this sounds fine, but given the circumstances my heart starts pounding and I tell dH and say to him that he needs to get down there ASAP and do something. He goes down, and sits next to DS so FIL can't sit next to DS.
So, months have gone by and DH has NOT said anything to FIL. My first response was going to be to write a letter to FIL, but I think this should come from both of us. I don't want to call him myself for the same reason. I want DS to be on the same page with me and either write a letter or make the phone call together. I am infuriated that he hasn't said anything. DH's mother thinks that it "wouldn't do any good to confront him b/c he will deny it". Well my thought on that is WHO CARES! IMO, not saying anything is denying that he treated DS and us inappropriately.
FIl needs to know that what he said is wrong and totally inappropriate, not to mention disrespecting us as parents. Last, our son doesn't always get what is NOT appropriate, and finally; I was molested as a child and DH knows this. Not many close to me even know this, and this whole thing really affects me b/c of that and hurts even more b/c DH knows that.
Please, I am just cringing every day I think of this, and any advice would be appreciated. I know I messed up by not speaking up and I am sick about it. I don't feel supported by DH and that feels really crappy. Yet, I feel so angry about it all, I can't let it go unspoken.