Hi. I'm new here. Do we have similar stories?

[IHeldMyBreath]

I'm looking to connect with people who have suffered the same things I have and wish to support others. I want to grow as a person and let go of the feelings of shame, confusion, sadness and hate I feel about my mother and about how I was raised and treated.

I'm twenty-three years old. I grew up afraid of my single-mother, and protecting and raising my younger sisters. She was very controlling, very emotionally unavailable, very mentally disturbed. She should have never had kids. She has three.

My whole life I've been emotionally abused by my mother. Isolated by her. Brain washed by her. Belittled and spat on by her. Used by her. Emotionally-exploited by her.
Sexually abused by one of her boyfriends, my middle sister's dad.

My mother is not my life anymore. She keeps my youngest sister, the one I raised the most, from me, as well as my best friend and dog, Noah. We occasionally email, and that's what prompted me to search for support online.. we're emailing now and she's horrible.

My middle sister is not in my life. None of my mother's side of the family is in my life, or hers, other than her own mother because she is guilted into it. 
My father parented me on His Weekend and thought that was enough, I guess. He's in my life sometimes. It's awkward and weird. He knew my mom was nuts and left me with her to rot. Thanks "dad".

I've had a long love/hate relationship with bulimia. I hate it. I miss it. I go back and forth depending on how well I'm able to deal with my own emotions after having been taught nothing except using rage as a coping mechanism. 

I don't really know what else to say, or if this was even a good idea, or if anyone will even read this. 

I just didn't know what else to do. 

[mamaofprincesses]

I don't have a similar story, but I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for the things you are dealing with. If you need to vent or want suggestions for coping with various problems, there are amazing women on this board.

*hugs*

[tropicana]

you're 23, and, thus, your life is only just beginning. you are at the very earliest part of adulthood. congratulations!!! you survived your childhood. way to go, it could not have been easy or fun.

and now it's over. of course, you are carrying some scars, being as though you had to find ways to survive. from the sounds of it, the bulimia is one of the main ways that you found to cope. you probably love it because it gave you relief. you probably hate it because you know it is not healthy.

so... here you find yourself on the cusp of adulthood, and wanting to let go of the past so that you can have the life you always wanted and always deserved. instead of staying mired in the crap for the next 60 or 70 years.

have you tried some psycho therapy (talking with a trained counselor)? have you read some self help books? have you been able to find one or more very trusted friends in whom to confide? those would all be good first steps toward breaking free of old, outmoded ways of thinking and being.

another exercise you could do is to picture yourself at some point in the future, perhaps as an old lady in her elderly years. in your wildest dreams, what have you accomplished in your life? write down your hopes and aspirations, hold nothing back. the more daring and exotic and *impossible*, the better. save this list, and review it from time to time. contemplate what has to happen in order for you to start achieving some of those dreams. then kind of reverse engineer your life to do what needs to be done to get there.

and i have one piece of unsolicited advice. since this is personal growth and all. it's the ultimate way to grow, and indeed the only way to achieve true happiness in life. and it is soooo simple, and yet so hard to live. but give it a try. it's forgiveness. 

forgive your mother. forgive your father. forgive YOURSELF. forgive everyone, everything. if you can do this, which will probably take some time and possibly a lifetime of effort, i predict that your angst and disappointment and everything else "negative" will wash away, freeing you to find joy and happiness.

best of luck to you!

[rainbow_mandala]

I was also deeply emotionally scarred by my mother.  She suffered from mental disorders that crippled her, but when I was a kid I didn't understand this, of course.  All I knew was I couldn't trust her and felt very, very scared of her.  I think the hardest part was the feeling of rejection--if only I could get my mother to love me then I'd be okay, everything would be okay.  But, of course, it wasn't that simple.  Every child just wants to be loved unconditionally by their mother, and if she is disturbed in any way, this can wreak havoc on the child's psyche and emotional world for a lifetime.  

It's not easy to move forward.  A lot of people will say, get therapy, learn forgiveness, read self-help books, etc.  While this is all great advice, the journey can be very difficult and painful.  I've been healing from my past for years now, it has not been easy in the slightest.  The only thing that keeps me going is my determination to feel good inside, once and for all.  If you are truly willing to move forward with your life and let your past go then you'll have to find something that motivates you very deeply.  If you're here to simply share your story and find some companionship then I am here for you 

[EarthRootsStarSoul]

I'm with you too.  I feel severely broken inside, and bitter.  But as time passes, little by little, I'm prying apart myself from my past -- detaching from it.  It's beginning to seem like something that happened a long time ago, and I don't owe anyone anything.  I will not be the parent of my parents.  I'm almost 30, back in college, alone in the world, and I will not stop moving forward. 

[svea]

Sending you hugs!

Your mom sounds whack. I'm sorry she's keeping your sister from you. I semi-raised my sister, too, and I love her more than anything in the world. I would go to the ends of the world to protect her. ;) Although it seems like she's your responsibility (because you raised her), your main responsibility is for yourself. When your sister is old enough to make her own decisions, she will contact you.  If I were you I would just make sure she knows how to get a hold of you, and keep the lines of communication open so that, once she's no longer being brainwashed, she can reach out. And if possible, cut contact with your mom. She has a vested interest in keeping you entangled.

23 is a really tough time for people who've had abusive pasts -- it's like it all comes up to haunt you then. I'm not sure why, maybe because you're finally 'adult' and 'free', and you start to really grasp the enormity of the injustice you've suffered.... And the difference between you and other 'normal' people really starts to become apparent -- while they're starting their careers and developing good relationships, or even just having the time of their lives, you're wondering if  you should kill yourself (actually, you didn't say that. I'm projecting from my own experience! lol). It can be really disheartening. All I can say is, I was there. It was so so so so bad. SO BAD. And it got better for me.

There's a good chance that it'll get better for you, too. A good therapist has been vital for me (and there are a lot of bad ones out there). Don't be afraid to ask around, ask anybody you trust, for their referral to a good therapist. Many therapists offer a sliding scale, or can refer you to someone who works with students/low-income people (you didn't say this in your post, but it's been my experience that cost is the primary factor deterring people from getting the help they need).

I also had parents with mental illness. It's a special kind of abuse, and I personally wish I'd had an alcoholic parent instead of a sick one (though who can say, right?). I've only met one or two other people in my daily life who grew up with similar experiences... And talking with them was a godsend. It was amazing what it was like to finally feel understood!