clothing for exchanges with other parent

[Murph12334]

I'm getting so frustrated with the kid's dad.  He sees them periodically on some weekends.  Not all that much.  A weekend or two each month.

They go normally right from picking up from daycare and daughter from school.  So they are in clothes they can wear there.  He returns them in clothes that do not fit or clothes that they can not wear to school/daycare.  Example: daughter went in jeans and long sleeve top.  Daughter came back in stained, too small top and pants that were almost falling off her.  Son went in clothes that fit, and came back in 12 month too short sweats (he wears 24 month!) and a stained tshirt.

He makes 3$ more/hr than I do, plus he pays nothing for child support. 

I've already had to go buy more clothes twice that were good for warmer weather when they were returned in summery one (when it was too cold). 

Not sure what to do.  I hate to send them in clothes that don't fit.  They go to their dad's tomorrow.  Is it wrong of me to change them into some of the too short clothing after I get there and take the good clothes back home with me?

My daughter has been getting upset at him since she knows he has stuff she can wear at school and I don't have a ton to begin with.  She was yelling at him over the phone just yesterday that she wanted her clothes back for school.  (I didn't say anything around here, she just picks up on it)

[BabyBearsMummy]

I have the same problem with my DDs father. Providing specific clothing worked for a time but now he appears to be slipping into the same pattern.

[Murph12334]

i took and changed them into other clothes when we got there.  And I did not let him have the costumes.  He'll have to be a big boy and take care of stuff on his own. 

[Super~Single~Mama]

How old are your kids?  If your dd is old enough to yell at home over the phone about the clothes she wants to wear at school, is she old enough to put them in a bag and bring them home with her?  I don't know if she is or not, and maybe your ex wouldn't let her if she tried, but maybe she can try that next time they have a visit?

[Murph12334]

she's 5 and 1/2.  so yes and no.  She has the memory of, well, a 5 and 1/2 year old.  And it's not like he'd remind her to bring them home. 

Oh, and I discovered the black jacket that was sent back is a smaller and thinner version of what she was sent in.  I guess he lost it on Friday and never found it again.  Which might sound wierd, but given the state of his house, doesn't surprise me.

 

[ZoeyZoo]

I have the same problem here. To his credit he does go to places like Target and buy dd clothes but he's slow to take out of the rotation stuff that's too small. He also tends to put her in the stuff he doesn't want. For example the last time dd came home in size 24 months pants and a 3T top. She's a typically a 4T.

[Phoenix~Mama]

When EX would actually take the kids somewhere (he actually stays at my parents house now with them, long story)... but anyway, this is why I did pick-ups.  I would check to make sure I had every article of clothing I sent before I left, because it would be MIA forever if I didn't get it then. 

I also like the idea of trying to get your DD to pack her clothes after a visit.  As she is 5.5, obviously she may not remember everything or all the time, but it could be a good practice to try starting, and will get better over time.

[Murph12334]

It just seems crazy to me that I should have to do any of this.  It just makes me shake my head in frustration at him.  I just dont get it

[VocalMinority]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Murph12334 

It just seems crazy to me that I should have to do any of this.  It just makes me shake my head in frustration at him.  I just dont get it

It is frustrating.  Maybe your ex intends it to be, as a way of still getting your attention and pushing your buttons.  In which case, the less upset you let yourself get over it, the less satisfaction you give him.  

Or maybe your ex is just kind of clueless and it's not intentional.  You mentioned something about the state of his abode, so maybe he's just disorganized.  We who have custody of the kids (and dress them for school each morning; wash their clothes; and figure out what new things they need at the beginning of each season and how to afford them) are naturally more vigilant about our kids' stuff than parents who don't have as much responsibility for them.  

My ex and his wife (a SAHM and a meticulous housekeeper) are rather clueless about the kids' things and I'm 100% certain it's not meant to irritate me; nor are they indifferent to whether the kids have what they need, when they're with me.  But practically, when the kids' good clothes pile up at their house, they're not thinking, "Gosh.  I wonder what they're wearing to school?"...because they don't ever get them ready for school.   And when I say, "The kids left their coats at your house," the first response is always, "No, they're not here," because the kids never put them away where they're supposed to go.  Dad and Step-Mom simply don't have that vigilance that makes them remember, "Yes, last time the boys were here they brought coats but didn't take them home, so they must be at our house somewhere."  The coats aren't in the coat closet, so they must not be at their house!  It's not passive-aggressive, it's a genuine oversight.  And I realize it's a lot easier to understand and forgive that oversight, when you get along well with your ex.

But the bottom line is, his behavior, whether intentional or absent-minded, will probably not change.  And you don't have the money to keep buying new things.  And your oldest child is only 5-1/2, not in high school.  She can survive being less-than-fashionable some days.  Explain that if she doesn't wear her favorite things on days Dad will pick her up, her clothes will not wind up staying at Dad's.  Teach her to solve problems that bother her, not to get mired in anger, victimhood and the unfairness of it all.  The more it bothers her, to wear 2nd-rate clothes on Dad's days, the sooner she will learn, "If I don't leave it up to Dad to send home my clothes and I take care of it myself, I'll have more control over what I can wear."  

Until she learns that (it might be a few years), throw away the stuff Dad sends home that's too small (don't be petulant by sending it back to your ex when you don't actually want the kids wearing it).  Go to Goodwill and buy some things that fit, but that you won't worry about losing.  And on days when he'll pick them up, send the kids in clothes that came from his house (that fit), or clothes from Goodwill.  They have to wear something home.  If you weed the too-small stuff out of the cycle, they will wind up wearing home the clothes from Goodwill.  Then those can become "Dad's house" clothes and you can take the clothes you like out of the cycle.  

[Murph12334]

LOL uhhh all our clothes are goodwill clothes.  And being fashionable is not my concern (nor hers) one bit.  I do care about something warm and weather appropriate.  I realize the thought never even occurs to him.  I just get annoyed and tired of always having to think.  Thankfully it's getting a bit better now when he takes them for the weekend with him to his girlfriend's house.  But his girlfriend is raising a 6yo by her self, so she gets it I'm sure.

[VocalMinority]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Murph12334 

LOL uhhh all our clothes are goodwill clothes.  And being fashionable is not my concern (nor hers) one bit.  I do care about something warm and weather appropriate.  I realize the thought never even occurs to him.  I just get annoyed and tired of always having to think.  Thankfully it's getting a bit better now when he takes them for the weekend with him to his girlfriend's house.  But his girlfriend is raising a 6yo by her self, so she gets it I'm sure.

(Chuckle)  Yes, I'm sure this nearly-universal divorce annoyance usually gets easier with the introduction of another woman into the picture!  I know things with us are better now, than when my ex was on his own!

I do as much 2nd-hand shopping as I can, too.  So, save the stuff you really like for your house/school (I mean, let's be honest, sometimes when my kids are in Goodwill clothes, I get rave compliments about how well-dressed they are!)  And go to Goodwill on 1/2-off day, or $5-a-bag day and fill up with stuff the kids can wear to Dad's.  Even if it's not the best-looking stuff, have them wear that to school on his days.

I guess we shouldn't have to think about this stuff, but it's better to figure out how to make the situation the way we want it (i.e., control what clothes go to Dad's) than to simply rail against the way things are and continue losing good clothes.