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still not over my miscarriage 4 months later

post #1 of 6
Thread Starter 

I'm a graduate student, graduating at the end of this semester (December 2011). Given the tight job market, about a year ago my husband and I planned to TTC in the spring so we could have our first child right when I finished my program, then I could look for a job when I was ready. I'd heard all about how hard it was to time everything perfectly when TTC, but lo and behold, it worked, and I was pregnant with a due date in early February. Then I miscarried in July at 8 weeks along. I am a careful planner by nature and what I mourned most was this perfect timing that I had planned for myself.

 

After I miscarried I was completely devastated, but, I thought "ok well we can try again for a couple more cycles. if it doesn't work I will have to turn my attention toward finding a job.". TTCing didn't work-- I imagine because my cycles were so wonky after the MC. I begrudgingly realized I would have to focus on finding a job. Then the lucky news happened last week that I landed a prestigious job in my field.

 

I should be beside myself with excitement- I got the first job I applied for, I get to start in December right when I finish school, it pays well, etc. But I don't care. I feel such intense malaise at the idea of this great job in my field because what I wanted at this juncture in my life was a baby. It's just starting to hit me hard that we have to put TTCing on the shelf until I've been at my job for 3 months so we qualify for FMLA.

 

It just took so much emotional work to ready myself to have a baby (I'm not really that into children). I wasn't even sure how I would feel back in May when I found out I was pregnant. I surprised myself by feeling this whole new kind of scary joy I had never felt before. And then it was snatched away from me.

 

I'm about to turn 30, too. This birthday will suck. I realize that in the grand scheme of things I have time, but it's not like I'm super young and have forever either.
 

This week, two different friends have revealed that they are 3 months pregnant. I am never one to resent other people's happiness but i find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of "why not me?" why does everyone else get to sail through this without a problem in the world and not me? It feels so crushingly unfair. I can't stop crying today. It's been four months, but I'm finding myself so much bluer this week than before. Maybe getting this job is forcing me to move on in a way I wasn't ready for before.

 

I just had to get this out somewhere. I've been crying all day today for some reason. My husband is sweet but he can't really understand how I feel. Any e-hugs and support is really appreciated.

post #2 of 6

I don't really have much to say but I couldn't read and not reply. I'm so sorry for your loss hug2.gif

I hope it gets easier for you! 

post #3 of 6

Oh honey, I'm so sorry for your loss.  Here's all the hugs I would give you if I was with you in real life:

 

hug2.gifhug.gifhug2.gifhug.gifhug2.gif

 

It's okay to cry.  A lot of your dreams had to change and that's always hard and scary.  I hope you feel comfort soon.

post #4 of 6

First of all I am so sorry for your loss. I had a miscarriage on New Years Day 2010 and it took me a VERY long time to mourn the loss. Don't feel guilty about being sad about your friend's happiness. I think that is normal. When I found out my sister in law was pregnant two months after my miscarriage I threw an all out hissy fit (throwing things and bawling hysterically), which is completely out of character. Please don't put a time limit on your sorrow because it will always be a part of you. Talk with friends who have gone through loss or find a support group to help you through. Be kind to yourself and let yourself cry when you need to. I promise you it does get better, even if the pain never goes completely away. I am thinking of you and sending you lots of positive vibes. Big hugs to you honey!hug2.gif

post #5 of 6

Feeling the same here! Found out at 12 weeks that our baby had died a week earlier. We had already had 2 scans and saw our little darling. I thought i was coming to terms with it and starting to heal but now a month on I feel back to square 1.....Dont know what can make this feel better when I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. So many pregnant colleagues due same time as I would have been. It makes me question 'why me?' but then I feel guilty about feeling that way. Any ideas or tips. Pleasex

post #6 of 6

I'm so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and sending hugs.

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