I'm a graduate student, graduating at the end of this semester (December 2011). Given the tight job market, about a year ago my husband and I planned to TTC in the spring so we could have our first child right when I finished my program, then I could look for a job when I was ready. I'd heard all about how hard it was to time everything perfectly when TTC, but lo and behold, it worked, and I was pregnant with a due date in early February. Then I miscarried in July at 8 weeks along. I am a careful planner by nature and what I mourned most was this perfect timing that I had planned for myself.
After I miscarried I was completely devastated, but, I thought "ok well we can try again for a couple more cycles. if it doesn't work I will have to turn my attention toward finding a job.". TTCing didn't work-- I imagine because my cycles were so wonky after the MC. I begrudgingly realized I would have to focus on finding a job. Then the lucky news happened last week that I landed a prestigious job in my field.
I should be beside myself with excitement- I got the first job I applied for, I get to start in December right when I finish school, it pays well, etc. But I don't care. I feel such intense malaise at the idea of this great job in my field because what I wanted at this juncture in my life was a baby. It's just starting to hit me hard that we have to put TTCing on the shelf until I've been at my job for 3 months so we qualify for FMLA.
It just took so much emotional work to ready myself to have a baby (I'm not really that into children). I wasn't even sure how I would feel back in May when I found out I was pregnant. I surprised myself by feeling this whole new kind of scary joy I had never felt before. And then it was snatched away from me.
I'm about to turn 30, too. This birthday will suck. I realize that in the grand scheme of things I have time, but it's not like I'm super young and have forever either.
This week, two different friends have revealed that they are 3 months pregnant. I am never one to resent other people's happiness but i find myself feeling this overwhelming sense of "why not me?" why does everyone else get to sail through this without a problem in the world and not me? It feels so crushingly unfair. I can't stop crying today. It's been four months, but I'm finding myself so much bluer this week than before. Maybe getting this job is forcing me to move on in a way I wasn't ready for before.
I just had to get this out somewhere. I've been crying all day today for some reason. My husband is sweet but he can't really understand how I feel. Any e-hugs and support is really appreciated.
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