or Connect
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

branding WWYD - Page 2

post #21 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by caedenmomma View Post

And before anyone flames me for being alarmist, please look at the other thread from this mom called "I feel like I have a crisis situation on my hands."  She does.


I agree. I know two moms who buried their children young -- one because he committed suicide at 17, and the other because he became involved in drugs was murdered at 22.

 

Time doesn't heal all wounds. Sometimes, the wounds just get bigger until the person is gone. And I don't know that either of those mothers will ever really have peace about their children. I don't think that losing a child so young and so needlessly is something that a mother ever completely heals from.

 

post #22 of 54
Thread Starter 

I noticed some one here asked for an update, so here it is.

My daughter did have an evaluation by a psychiatrist, and she is confused by my daughter. She explained that even though what my daughter does indicates some kind of problem exists, she is calm and rational and doesnt display any symptoms of anything worse than teen angst when she speaks. I was given a list of therapists who specialize in difficult cases, like my daughter. No I'm not offended that she called her difficult, I know she can be, and I also know that there are some things that she just will not talk about, like she is trying to pretend that they didnt happen. No one ever gets the full story, except the best friend that she has had for years. She is now home and, aside from some pain from the brand, is doing just fine.

 

I've been thinking for days, and I think I know exactly what the "wound" is. She went off the rails about a year and a half ago, well she was always a little crazy, but it was normally nothing worse that refusing to listen, constant disregard for rules, and the occasional dissapearing act. About a year and a half ago, 2 girls that she thought were her friends turned on her and started spreading nasty rumors etc. about her. And about a year ago she was involved with a young man for nine months before he died. It was a mysterious death but has never been investigated fully. This also explains the brand partially, he was Japanese, the one who inspired her to take classes on the Japanese language. She save all the money she could and paid over $200 for the first course. I'd willingly pay for her to take the second, she's actually really passionate about it. I know she visits his grave at least every other day, but the mention of his name is enough to make her leave the room, or the house, or change the subject completely. I thought that meant she was over it, but maybe I was wrong.

post #23 of 54

Thanks for the update. I've been thinking about you. It sounds like you are digging a little deeper and that is great. Perhaps switch to a talk therapist that doesn't prescribe meds. A psychiatrist is primarily interested in medications and their effects. They can help but they don't really provide talk therapy and that is essential with or without meds. It took me awhile to figure out the difference. If you are on an HMO you probably don't even need a referral as the mental healthcare laws have changed, greatly. Visiting a grave so frequently a year after his death is concerning to me.

 

hug.gif

post #24 of 54

Thanks so much for the update. I will keep you and your daughter in my thoughts.  Your DD sounds in a lot of pain and I hope, with the help of a professional, she can get through that.

post #25 of 54
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by lovepickles View Post

 Visiting a grave so frequently a year after his death is concerning to me.

 

hug.gif



It hasnt yet been a year, she met him and became involved romantically with him nearly a year ago. It's been barely 3 months since his death. I know they were very close, I almost want to say they were in love but I dont know how true that can be when she was so young. He was too for that matter but he was a older than her. I know she misses him terribly, she must. Its led to a dramatic upswing in the length and intensity of her personal work outs, and as such she's lost huge amounts of weight. She looks scary skeletal now. I know she needs to talk about it and deal with it but she refuses to even act like it happened.

post #26 of 54

Thank you for the update...you all have lots of folks sending you good thoughts.


Did the doctor not notice how thin she is?

post #27 of 54

AshleyTiger-- Thank you for updating us.  You may be surprised that your daughter might actually talk with a therapist even if she won't share with friends/family.  Sometimes it is easier talking to someone who you don't know and who doesn't know the people you're talking about and who you know isn't going to tell anyone else.  Therapists are pretty well trained in helping those who may not feel too comfortable discussing their issues.  You may want to suggest it and ask your daugher what type of person she'd feel most comfortable with.  Male/female?  Younger/older?  etc... Sounds like she really desperately needs someone who she can discuss all of this with. 

post #28 of 54
Thread Starter 

Well I did some thorough research, compiled a list of therapists that spans all gender and age categories, and sat down with my daughter to have a talk. I asked her if she would be interested in trying at least a couple sessions of therapy and told her that she has options and we can look as long as we need to so we can find one she likes. She flat out refused. I asked why she was so determined against it, and her response was that its because his death was her fault, she could have prevented it and she deserves to suffer for not saving him. Then she walked out of the house (as is so common when his name is brought up). So I guess that's where it gets left, until she wants help to move on from this I guess I cant really force her into therapy. Thanks for all the advice every one, I guess this isnt an easy one to solve.

 

 

post #29 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyTiger View Post

 I asked her if she would be interested in trying at least a couple sessions of therapy and told her that she has options and we can look as long as we need to so we can find one she likes.

 

 


 

When I was concerned about my own DD, I didn't ASK if she was interested in counseling. I learned back when my kids were toddlers to tell, not ask, when I wanted a specific outcome. I researched our options for therapist, made an appointment, and then sat my DD down and very gently told her about it.

 

I know that in my city is there is a teen grief support group.

 

There are a lot of options for your DD, but unless you decide to make something positive happen for her, I suspect you can get used to calls from the school, the police, and the hospitals. Hopefully, she won't actually kill or maim herself before she gets some help.

 

No, she doesn't want help. She wants to keep hurting herself, over and over, and in new and different ways. She is a danger to herself.

post #30 of 54
Thread Starter 

There is only one teen support group in our area, and I highly doubt they would take her back. When I sent her there the first (and last) time, she walked out not even an hour into the meeting. She told the kids there to quit complaining about being bullied, grow a spine, and deal with it and quit running to every adult because some one hurt their feelings. She told them they knew nothing of how horrible life can be. Then walked out. I see forcing her into something as the worst thing to do. with her personality she'll go against it, no matter what. I could tell her she's going to a Marilyn Manson concert, and if it seemed like I was forcing her to go, she'd suddenly hate the idea. There isnt a person in this world that could make her do anything. Inpatient wouldnt do much either, she would either fake her way into seeming "better" to get let out, or they would have to keep her there for life.

 

I get what you're saying Linda, but every child is different, and I doubt your DD was blaming herself for some one else dying. (if she was I apologize for making assumptions) There is something about that kind of guilt and greif that makes it so much harder to let go. I know because that's what I went through when my brother died. I'm over now, and have been for some time, but that's just it, it takes time. Inpatient is the very last resort I would use, and I'm scared I'll have to because I dont know if time is on my side

post #31 of 54

I am so sorry you and your daughter are going through this!

 

Feeling like you are responsible for someone’s death is very serious and can cause real emotional damage. Also even if it is not real, teenage love feels real at the time. I can say this from firsthand experience. I was dumped by my first "boyfriend" at 15. Was it really love? No way! The guy was a creep and I was clearly in love with the idea of being in love, but the entire experience really hurt my self esteem.

What I am saying is I think this issue with your daughter is very serious ( and I know you think it is too) and I think she needs professional help. I hear you when you say she won't listen to you.

Is there anyone else who she trusts who might be able to convince her to see someone? Teenagers often need to hear things from someone else besides their parents.

 

post #32 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyTiger View Post

 Inpatient wouldnt do much either, she would either fake her way into seeming "better" to get let out, or they would have to keep her there for life.

 

I get what you're saying Linda, but every child is different, and I doubt your DD was blaming herself for some one else dying. (if she was I apologize for making assumptions) There is something about that kind of guilt and greif that makes it so much harder to let go.

I wouldn't underestimate the ability of the therapists and psychiatrists in in-patient to be able to accurately determine when they are being maniupulated by a teenager and when there is actual processing and healing taking place. 

 

The fact that your daughter is blaming herself for someone else's death is a really serious issue and you're right...that kind of guilt and grief is going to make it harder to let go which is why she truly needs some professional help.

 

Your options are becoming really limited.  Can you consult with a therapist yourself on how to open the lines of communication with your daughter or at least get some suggestions on what you can be looking for in terms of warning signs, etc., how you can take care of yourself through this?  It sounds like you could use some support too.  It must be pretty stressful worrying about what she is going to do next. 

post #33 of 54
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by raksmama View Post

Is there anyone else who she trusts who might be able to convince her to see someone? Teenagers often need to hear things from someone else besides their parents.

 



There is the one person that she trusts, her best friend, but I really dont think he would convince her to go into therapy. He was forced into therapy at 16 and used that as a means to gain emancipation from his parents. He convinced 4 doctors that there was nothing wrong with him and that his parents just wanted him locked up because they wanted to live their own lives without him. His mom was like 15 or 16 when she had him, so all of this could be true, I dont really know the whole story, just what I was told by my daughter. It's not likely that he would recommend therapy to any one, least of all his closest friend. Her current boyfriend might do it, but that's a big maybe.

 

Already ahead of you there APToddlerMama, I called one of the therapists on my list and went to speak to her. I'm inclined to think her approach is slightly radical; she suggested searching my daughter's room for drugs and/or instruments of self harm, checking her online messages and activities and even reading her private journals. Her theory is that if my daughter wont give me the information then I have to go after it myself, apparently even if it means violating her privacy. It is kind of stressful, but I know what she's going through, so it's more painful knowing what it feels like but not being able to help her

post #34 of 54
Quite honestly, I just dont understand why you are giving her a choice about this. As Linda said earlier, I think you should tell her that you have made her an appointment. I really dont think this is a decision to leave up to her. After all, as we have seen, her decision making hasn't been the greatest. If she cant make good decisions about her body, then she has no business making decisions about whether or not she needs help. Respectfully, I dont think violating her privacy and just letting her opt out of seeing a therapist is going to be very helpful. To me, it sounds like part of the problem here is that you dont trust therapist to know the when they are being manipulated by a teenager because you saw it happen with a friend of hers. And her closest friend is an emancipated 16 year old that is a good enough liar to manipulate 4 therapists? Yikes! I dont know that that guy is the best influence. Either that, or there is nothing wrong with him and his parents are trying to lock him up because they are sick of him. Why is she surrounding herself with someone who is capable of those kind of lies? Another bad decision that I feel goes towards my point that she doesnt have the mental capability to opt out of therapy.
post #35 of 54

I was a teen who was very self destructive. Looking back I do wish my mom had sought out help for me. After a suicide attempt at 14 I got to go to counseling for awhile until the therapist suggested  family therapy at which time they pulled me out.

I would go seek counseling yourself if you can and work out how you are to deal with this. I would hate to see this escalate further.

post #36 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by AshleyTiger View Post

Already ahead of you there APToddlerMama, I called one of the therapists on my list and went to speak to her. I'm inclined to think her approach is slightly radical; she suggested searching my daughter's room for drugs and/or instruments of self harm, checking her online messages and activities and even reading her private journals. Her theory is that if my daughter wont give me the information then I have to go after it myself, apparently even if it means violating her privacy. It is kind of stressful, but I know what she's going through, so it's more painful knowing what it feels like but not being able to help her



Can I gently suggest to you that if you find your therapist's approach to be radical considering all that your daughter is going through and all that you know already about the bruises, branding, feeling responsible for death, etc,. that perhaps you are in a bit of denial?  I hope you continue to see a therapist yourself.  I don't think it is unusual for a parent to experience some denial when their children are hurting, but you have to realize that if you continue to remain in this place where you are content to believe that what your daughter is experiencing is semi-normal teenage behavior and something that you definitely cannot impact, odds are, things are not going to turn out nearly as well as they would if you accept that she is experiencing a mental health crisis right now and do absolutely everything in your power to get her the help she needs. 

 

Personally I would discuss with your therapist the odds that your state would be willing to do an emergency detention.  If it were my kid and I thought that was a possibility, I would tell her that if she refused to see a therapist, I would absolutely start the process for an ED which would give her no option but to be in-patient.  Your therapist would know more and I've only dealt with EDs with children in the CPS/foster system.  I have a feeling it may vary by state or by whether the child is in care or not, but here, it was easy to have a child placed in in-patient against their will with any of the warnings/risk factors you've listed.  If you find out that is an option, I would leverage it.  Something has to be done to get her some help. 

 

post #37 of 54

OP, you seem to be talking yourself out of getting your daughter more help.  You sound decided about inpatients not working, and ditto for the therapist.  I think for your daughter's safety she doesn't have time for you to have your own discomfort with the mental health system convince you to avoid the help she needs.  I truly think your daughter needs to be in a situation where she will be made to get the help.  She has endangered her health and life (between the brandings and the allowing her boyfriend to strangle her) and needs you to protect her.  One more flawed decision could very literally be the end of her.  Why not just get the help for yourself (so that you are supported in parenting her) and your daughter, and if there really is a problem with the system, deal with it if and when it happens.  The potential harm of inpatients being ineffective is less than the harm of your daughter killing or harming herself with inadequate help to prevent her.

post #38 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by FarmerBeth View Post

OP, you seem to be talking yourself out of getting your daughter more help.  You sound decided about inpatients not working, and ditto for the therapist.  I think for your daughter's safety she doesn't have time for you to have your own discomfort with the mental health system convince you to avoid the help she needs.  I truly think your daughter needs to be in a situation where she will be made to get the help.  She has endangered her health and life (between the brandings and the allowing her boyfriend to strangle her) and needs you to protect her.  One more flawed decision could very literally be the end of her.  Why not just get the help for yourself (so that you are supported in parenting her) and your daughter, and if there really is a problem with the system, deal with it if and when it happens.  The potential harm of inpatients being ineffective is less than the harm of your daughter killing or harming herself with inadequate help to prevent her.


Yes, to all of that. You don't have the luxury of time here. She needs you to step up and make her get the help she needs.

 

post #39 of 54

You are not her friend. You are her MOM. Get up and SAVE her. Stop negotiating. She's a child. YOU are the parent

post #40 of 54

Throughout history, man has branded their livestock.  They have also branded their slaves.  In the BDSM world, branding or markings is not uncommon (certainly not something you see all the time or with frequency).  It is usually performed in a ritual or a rite of passage.  The process is usually quite painful and generally causes a permanent mark of ownership on the subject.

 

This is serious stuff here.  I'm a Domina myself and would never brand or tattoo anyone.  I wouldn't even begin to entertain the idea of a child playing these kinds of "games".  The psychology is way too big for her to understand.  Forever isn't that long for a 14 yo girl (or how ever old she is).  She'll have this mark when she's her mother's age.  She'll have this mark when she's her grandmother's age.  She'll be buried with his mark when she's 98 years old. 

 

She'll have the mark after the cretin who put the mark on her releases her.  She'll forever have it.

 

This REALLY infuriates me if this is what happened!  If it is, I'd love to have a go at the animal that did this to her, and it definitely wouldn't be pretty.

 

Gods, I hope this isn't what it is, but if it is, throw everything you can at it and put it in prison.  Hopefully the other inmates will clean up the mess.

New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Preteens and Teens