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I finally told my husband.

post #1 of 19
Thread Starter 

he immediately started freaking out about money and how small our house is and where are we going to put all of them, etc, etc, etc. bleh. i wish just once he could be like "omg, how exciting" or "i cant believe i am going to be a dad again". or some kind of happy for a minute before he starts freaking out. sigh. i told the kids too. my oldest freaked out and the older girls were happy. at least someone was happy about it. my mom says not to worry, that i have enough love for all of them and that i am a great mom. my dad was just telling me that he wishes i would give him another grandson to go with his grandaughters so i think he will be happy. my 2 brothers have no interest in women or relationships period so he isnt going to get any there.

 

i know we are not in the best place for this. i know we have lots already and little money. i didnt do it on purpose, it was an accident. i wanted to wait longer, but i always wanted a big family.  he acts like it all has to be solved right now. i tried to remind him that we have 8 months before the baby gets here. i tried to calm him down. i tried to tell him in person,but i was chicken. i knew how he was going to react, so i told him on the phone after i went to the doctor to have it confirmed. 

 

anybody else's dh act like this? someone want to commiserate with me? my parade has been rained on....

post #2 of 19

Just wanted to tell you I'm sorry mama, sometimes men SUCK ... he'll come around.  ((((HUGS))))

post #3 of 19
My husband wasn't as excited as I thought he would be this time around, and he was immediately worried about our vehicle, our house, etc. We had been trying for almost a year and had a very upsetting miscarriage in March, so I thought he would be super happy and excited when I told him. One of the things he actually said when I first told him was, "We have to make the best of it." WHAT? Make the best of it? I'm ecstatic! I don't get men. Did he really think there was no chance of me getting pregnant while we were TRYING to get pregnant? eyesroll.gif

He's known for two weeks & is doing much better with the news now. He's even been looking at car seats & strollers online and picked out a name for a girl, and those are things he's NEVER done in the past (this is our fourth). I hope your DH comes around, too.
post #4 of 19

I'm really sorry that your husband isn't excited.  I know the stress of having a lot of people(7 plus this baby) in a small house(we have 1140sq ft).  My husband I think is more excited then i am.  DOn't get me wrong I'm excited but I just had a m/c in Aug so I just want to feel the movements everyday to be sure the baby is still ok.  We havn't told anyone yet but I know our kids will be so excited.  They were really sad when we lost the last baby and have asked when we will be having another one. Not sure how the rest of the family will react.  They think 2 or 3 is plent of kids and that you shouldn't have big familys.  They compare us to the Duggars which I have no problem with but I have 5 kids not 19.  I guess I am kind of liking not letting people know because I don't get the questions and all that. 

 

Sorry for the vent I am just a little on edge today. 

post #5 of 19

I think men just see pregnancies different than women. They don't have all the warm fuzzy hormones floating around, and (at least in my family) they are solely responsible for bringing in the money. I am sure that as the pregnancy progresses, or at the very latest, when the baby materializes, he will be more enthusiastic. 

post #6 of 19

We have two perfect kids...a kind and helpful, funny three year old lady child and a two in a couple of weeks, rambunctious little bear cub of a wild boy child. They are both healthy and sweet and awesome. They are 16 months apart and incredibly good friends. Things were just getting easy for us. My son just stopped nursing after two very challenging years and we were beginning to settle into the "next phase".

 

Then I found out I'm pregnant and due on my DDs birthday, June 3rd. I'm still struggling to wrap my head around this. For my husband, this is terrible news. Probably the worst news I could give him right now. I won't even tell you ladies what he said to me, what he asked me to do in his shock, upon just finding out. I was very hurt. He apologized profusely and he's changed his tune considerably and last night he even suggested we pick up a cool high chair that can be used at the table for the baby so we can all eat together. It was used, for a really good deal, and we grabbed it. "We'll need this for the baby", he said.

 

He's still really bummed out. I'm overwhelmed but gaining control of my fears about this by problem solving, planning and trying to connect to my squiggly little shrimpykin in there. It's hard for me to see him struggle so hard to accept this news, because I know that even though things really are PERFECT right now, we're never going to wish we hadn't had this child after s/he comes! We will be a new kind of perfect and everything will be okay. I understand his concerns and I know that, largely, his disappointment lies in the fact that he didn't even really want two kids. One would have been fine for him. So three feels like a football team to him.

 

OP, be easy on him. I think it's different for him. I think that mothers and fathers both strive for and stress over the quality of life they are providing for their kids. But I think mothers tend to think more along the lines of "This will be fine, I still have great clothes from when xyz was a baby and we'll make room" and we visualize nursing, loving, wearing and getting to know this child and we see a good quality of life. I think sometimes Dadas can get stuck on a different kind of "Quality" - and "more people" feels like it should equate to more money, more space, more time, etc...I think the disappointment and even emotional lashing out that some of us see, when we're telling our DHs about a new baby coming, is really a manifestation of the pressure they feel/perceive and/or put on themselves. I know my DH seems concerned that, because we're not well-off, people will think we're irresponsible for having three kids. It's irrational to me, but it's super freakin' real to him. He feels responsible for maintaining financial stability and things were feeling really easy for a while there.

 

He will warm up and, especially after the baby comes, will be okay. As he gets to know our new one, the same thing that happened with our first two will happen again. He will fall in love and be an awesome dad. Hang in, OP, it'll get better, you know it!

post #7 of 19

Everyone I have told has greeted the news with depair for our finances. I have been home with my little guys for years so money stress frequently pops up. It has taken a few weeks for my dh to digest the change of plans. He is supportive and more excited by the day. His reaction was much better than his mothers.. she just asked if I would be having an abortion and when I said no that "Chris must be a wreck." I can forgive her. Most people in our culture value money more than life. People don't like to have such ugly truths exposed about what they truely beLIEve, but we are judged by our actions not our words. I dread telling anyone else, but I am over it. I can be compassionate, it is their spiritual ignorance, and it's sad.    

post #8 of 19
Thread Starter 

he seems better and is being nice. he even came home from work today (we are all sick) and held the 2yr old while i did the dishes. he even got her to take a nap with him. he has been giving me sweet looks and stuff. i think he will be fine. but he will never be one of those guys who whisper sweet nothings to my belly. he is too shy and feels awkward. he is acting fine and i think he knew. but his first words were "are you kidding me". strangely enough it was my dad's first words too. my moms first words (and my female friends) were all "yay, i am so excited for you" so maybe it is a guy thing.

post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by tri31 View Post

Everyone I have told has greeted the news with depair for our finances. I have been home with my little guys for years so money stress frequently pops up. It has taken a few weeks for my dh to digest the change of plans. He is supportive and more excited by the day. His reaction was much better than his mothers.. she just asked if I would be having an abortion and when I said no that "Chris must be a wreck." I can forgive her. Most people in our culture value money more than life. People don't like to have such ugly truths exposed about what they truely beLIEve, but we are judged by our actions not our words. I dread telling anyone else, but I am over it. I can be compassionate, it is their spiritual ignorance, and it's sad.    



You know my mother in law (one of the most important and supportive relationships in my life) basically said that she realized termination of the pregnancy was a ridiculous non-option because she knows it would just destroy me....but the way she talked about it almost made me feel like she wouldn't be sad if I did do that. She thinks I'm a terrific mother, tells me so all the time and knows that our kids are among the happiest, safest and most thought of children around....which is why it puzzles me that she would have an attitude of "I know you can't do that, but I wouldn't blame you if you did" - it's bizarre to me that people would feel that way. I mean, yeah, we're not in the best financial position...but we live in a nice house in the middle of the woods...we eat terrific food and everyone wears good, clean, quality clothes. We all have good insurance, we drive good, reliable vehicles. Our financial picture is looking up and that is because I have been proactively working on it. I don't understand why people who ADORE our current children and see them once or twice a week and just love them to little bits and pieces, would think of basically killing a third grandchild because we don't have "extra" money laying around.

 

If I were single, dead broke and living on the streets, I still wouldn't abort, but I would I guess more understand people feeling like they "wouldn't blame me" for termination....but in a situation like ours, where money is certainly tight and a topic of conversation, but where every and ALL needs are met and there are two really good parents in the home and the existing children have a truly ideal existence....just running in the woods, eating good, whole, from scratch food and hanging around with their parents who are ape-shit in love with them....why would ANYONE think that abortion was the better option in that scenario??

 

I'm really bothered by how loosey-goosey people seem to throw around that sentiment. I'm 100% pro-choice, because even though at this point in my life, abortion would be a non-option unless an extreme medical emergency came up....I do NOT believe in telling other people what to do with their bodies. But I think that courtesy should extend to people who DON;T want abortions...who don't even want to CONSIDER it. It really kind of hurt my feelings that MIL would even hint at that...and it outright crushed me that DH even mentioned it. How could anyone look at the two completely adorable, perfectly lovely kids I have now, and tell me that I can't make it work with another one??

 

Sorry for the novel...I'm still really tender about this as it's only been a week since I told DH and even less time since MIL found out from me. If I were in a different scenario...I would get it. But in my situation, that just doesn't seem like something anyone should think is an option for us. :(

 

Just to add: DH apologized for saying that (it was extremely out of character for him to say something like that to me) and MIL and all of our family are very very excited to meet this coming little one...I was just a little spooked by the initial reactions from some people. I know it's shocking news, but man....

post #10 of 19

Both me and my DH had this same sort of reaction.  We practice FAM, so I was SHOCKED when I realized I was pg.  I swear my eggs entice sperm with skimpy outfits and baked goods. DH was planning his vasectomy, I gave away half of that baby stuff thinking we were done, my youngest is just 14 months old, still nursing, sleeping in our bed, and WHERE are we going to put 4 kids? How will we all fit in the car?  We are a mess!  I actually didn't tell DH, he knew I was a bit late and asked me. We haven't told anyone else yet (we usually wait a while). Anyway, I chose to continue with this, but he is not a super happy camper. I'm getting excited now, so I'm glad to have found this forum where at least someone is happy.

post #11 of 19

Okay, I'm going to be brutally honest here. In our situation, it was the opposite! I was SO PISSED for like three days. It just wasn't great timing for us. I am still 15-20 lbs over my pre-pregnancy weight with my daughter, I am on meds that I really wanted to be off of before we conceived again (anti-depressants), I am dealing with other health issues, etc. Also...DH's sperm survived SIX DAYS to fertilize my egg when I ovulated (we use NFP). I was so freaking pissed, I don't even know how to tell you. I didn't cry, but I was just numb and disappointed. Which is horrible! But it is how I felt at the time. I especially felt horrible about how I felt because one of my best friends suffers with infertility and here I am, with this crazy oops baby and I can't even appreciate it.

 

My husband was thrilled.

 

Fast-forward a few days, after I'd had a chance to talk to our priest (we're Catholic) and have a few long talks with DH, and I started to get really excited. I bet your husband will feel better with time. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings at his reaction, but I'd give him some time. And congrats on #5!!

post #12 of 19
Thread Starter 

thanks! i havent told anybody else. i am kinda afraid of the same reaction. we are not in a position to have another. we are definitely not financially stable right now and that makes me feel a  little guilty. but then i think about how my baby's heart will begin to beat by the end of this week and i want to cry with joy.

post #13 of 19

I agree with Averys Momma -- respectfully, I say give him time and space. 

 

Men are under a whole different set of pressures than we are as mothers. We're doing most of the heavy lifting, so to speak, during the PG, but I think inherently, they worry about providing. Make sense? 

 

In my home, this wasn't this best timing, either.  We have three at home, our 5yo daughter, and twin boys (3). It was just getting easier and more manageable. I'm homeschooling my daughter, and DH is  in school pursuing a nursing degree. 

 

We'll manage, but Im also going to cut myself a LOT of slack. 

post #14 of 19
Thread Starter 

is igt sad that i started crying today bc i had just lost all the baby weight and had b ought myself some sexy shirts and stuff and now i am going to get all big again? lol. 

post #15 of 19

I am eating like a horse, and I have lost 4 pounds. Last time around I had materialized 2.5 pounds every few days. Every pregnancy is different. One of my favorite authors gives the advice to strive to be honest, don't take other peoples shit personally(that's their movie not yours), don't make assumptions (about yourself or anyone else) and just do your best. Sorry I'm such a dork, but it comes from the heart. I think it is great advice and I have been reminding myself of each one of these ideas since we found out.

post #16 of 19
Thread Starter 

i gained 4 already. but the bloat is what is making me look huge!

post #17 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by DiannaK View Post

I agree with Averys Momma -- respectfully, I say give him time and space. 

 

Men are under a whole different set of pressures than we are as mothers. We're doing most of the heavy lifting, so to speak, during the PG, but I think inherently, they worry about providing. Make sense? 

 

In my home, this wasn't this best timing, either.  We have three at home, our 5yo daughter, and twin boys (3). It was just getting easier and more manageable. I'm homeschooling my daughter, and DH is  in school pursuing a nursing degree. 

 

We'll manage, but Im also going to cut myself a LOT of slack. 


Hahaha, yes....I will also be cutting myself a lot of slack. This timing was really terrible for us, too...things were just getting SOOOO easy and I was starting an awesome pre-schoolish, nature/seasons based homeschooling program with DD and loving it...having a newborn is going to be okay, and June REALLY IS the best time of year to have a baby, but still...it's hard to mourn the loss of what I thought was the "next phase" for us! We'll get there again...it will be three years from now...but we;ll get there again!

 

OP...how ya doin' today?? things feeling better? I really sense a daily, sometimes it even seems like HOURLY improvement in the way that I (and DH) am feeling about all of this!

 

post #18 of 19
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post

 

OP...how ya doin' today?? things feeling better? I really sense a daily, sometimes it even seems like HOURLY improvement in the way that I (and DH) am feeling about all of this!

 



 

doing good except everyone has a nasty cold that plugs up the ears, makes the throat sore and makes them sound l ike they are coughing up a lung, including me. sneezin and coughing are not good for round ligament pain. i have already had to start the holding it all in when i sneeze or cough, tk, bracing it so it doesnt hurt. lol

 

dh seems happier. he has told everybody. i overheard him say that "we" were excited even though it wasnt the best time. so things are looking up. i am so gllad we didnt get rid of all the baby things. i am planning on making some newborn diapers from stuff i already have too. the only thing we need is a new carseat. 

post #19 of 19

My DH was great about it, although I was a little shocked.  My dad on the otherhand ... he said, "Well, congratulations are in order ... I guess.  At least you guys have good jobs and won't be raising nightshift workers for the Waffle House."

I am ashamed to be his daughter quite often.  :(

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