Is it time for his own bed? ~book recommendation needed

[P.J.]

DS is 17 months and we've been cosleeping more or less without issue.

DH and MIL (among others) have been asking me about when DS is going to start sleeping in his own bed. I pretty much ignore MIL, but DH has made some gentle arguments that *at some point* we might want to gently and slowly introduce the concept of him having his own bed. Not force him or kick him out of our bed, but just give him the chance to see if maybe he would want that. There have also been times when I felt it might be more comfortable and we both might sleep better if he were in his own space.

We both (DH and I) would like to read a good book about cosleeping, but I'm not sure which would be the right one. I know there's a book called The Family Bed that people like, and I see Dr. Jay Gordon has also written one. What we need is a book that also covers when it's time to separate sleep or at least offer the child their own sleep space, and how to know when and then do this gently and without stress. I do not want a book that is all about child-led and cosleeping without any end or limit ever, as that is not our approach. I also obviously don't need a book that's only about cosleeping safely with a baby, as we're past that phase already.

Any recommendations? Many many thanks!

[To-Fu]

I like Dr. Gordon, but I really don't think there's a one-size-fits-all answer.  I think each kid is different.  It's one thing to provide the chance for a kid to get interested on their own (which is what it sounds like you're doing). 

Personally, my 17mo seems like such a baby still and I don't think he's near ready for his own bed.  I also would hate to have to get up and go to him when he needed nighttime parenting.  But then, our almost-4yo is also still in the bed, so I maybe am not the best advice giver here. :)

That said, is there something about your current arrangement that isn't working?  If not, maybe wait a while and see how things change over time.

[P.J.]

Well, it's not that it's not working....and actually my feeling is he's not there yet either. Maybe closer to age two?

TBH it's more coming from DH, and he agrees to wait at least a few more months to even discuss it again.

I am split. On the one hand, I would be into child-led and unlimited bed sharing. But on the other hand, I feel it's important at some point to offer the chance to have his own space because, as you said, each kid is different and I think some may really want or do better in their own space. But yeah, want to go with the flow and see when it feels right.

So far DH and I agree on nearly everything, especially the major stuff. This is the first time I felt a little pressure to change something we're doing. Luckily he's not laying it on too hard....but I know by the time DS is 2 we are going to have to make some move.

Again, if DS is not into it or we notice any negative effects then we would never say he couldn't come back into our bed.

I ordered Jay Gordon's book and one called "Three in a Bed" that seemed alright.

[expat-mama]

Hi PJ

My DS just turned 16 months and we recently switched him to a double mattress on the floor right next to our bed and he really seems to love it. We still often bring him into the bed- especially lately as he is teething molars but he really enjoys being able to get up out of bed and climb up to get us when he needs to. When he wakes in the morning there is a basket of books and some soft toys for him and he likes bringing them into his bed and rolling around for awhile. Also for naps, he just gets up and walks out of the room when he wakes up as he pleases and somehow this has led to him napping better and longer. We haven't made it an all or nothing thing- when he needs to sleep with us he does but he seems to love rolling around and bouncing on his OWN bed as well as the security of knowing that we are still right in reach. I think when the time comes to move him into his own room he will be fine with it as so far this has been a really easy transition. I don't think that will be anytime soon though... I can't imagine him sleeping so far away all night!