How much do you expect from your SOs?

[RabbitMomma]

I would like to hear from other mamas on how much they expect from their partners with a baby in the house, as I'm having a bit of a hard time with mine at the moment and wondering if I'm being too hard on him!

Before DD came I did everything for DH- cooked, cleaned, did his laundry, etc etc. In the first few weeks that DD was here, he was pretty helpful and did a lot of laundry and tidying up. Then my parents left to go back to the States when she was 2 weeks old, and suddenly all help pretty much stopped. He spent the rest of his month long paternity leave in his study working on his computer, and left me and the baby alone hanging out in the bed. I had a lot of romantic views of how we would spend his time off work snuggled up with the baby in bed just enjoying being new parents, so this kind of hurt. Fast forward 3 months, and I'm slowly going crazy by a house that is in shambles. I tried giving him a chore chart to do, felt kind of silly doing it but I thought that maybe he just didn't know how to help out. I basically just wrote out all of the things I couldn't do while wearing the baby (DD doesn't take naps during the day and will not be put down for anything, so I am constantly wearing a wide awake baby)- like scrubbing the bathroom countertop, changing the bed sheets, cleaning the rat cage, and general tidying up like picking clothes up off the bedroom floor. I didn't think it was a lot, but he never did any of it. As of now, he feeds the rabbits at night, does the dishes at night, and sometimes cleans the rabbit cage when I ask him to. He doesn't help out much with childcare either, and only takes the baby for a half an hour when he gets home just so I can quickly make dinner. After that, she's mine for the rest of the night.

I know he works a full time job, but he just doesn't understand how emotionally and physically draining it is to have this little person to take care of all day long. I never get a lunch break or time to myself, I'm lucky to get to brush my teeth in the morning let around play on the computer or exercise like he does all night. I feel really jealous of him and kind of hurt. A few nights ago I totally blew up at him because I asked him to empty out the fish tank because our Japanese fighting fish died. He put this look on his face when I asked him, but took care of it or so I thought. When I got up in the morning to go to the bathroom, I found the tank filled with half dirty fish water sitting in the bathtub, the dead fish still swimming in the toilet bowl, and the dirty filter covered with icky fish gunk laying right in the middle of the tub. When he got home for lunch I really let him have it, and ever since then haven't been talking to him. He's started to do stuff around the house now, but it's really, really stupid things that just don't need to be done and are so low on the priority list. Like steam cleaning the living room rug, or scrubbing down the oven instead of doing the little things on the chore list. And he does this all during the time when he usually takes the baby for me to make dinner, so I'm stuck with a screaming baby while trying to cook. I've had full baby duty 24/7 for the past three days, and last night I was getting really overwhelmed by it all and found myself loosing my patience with the baby which I couldn't believe I was doing.

The days are so long with her being awake all the time, and I used to really look forward to the small 30 minutes I got off at night. I need help with the baby sometimes, I also need help with the housework once in a while. Is this really too much to ask?

Edited by RabbitMomma - 10/26/11 at 5:48am

[AnnieA]

Hugs mama. No, it's not too much to ask. If I were you, the kitchen would be closed effective immediately. I started back to work a few weeks ago and DD is velcroed to me from the time we walk in the door in the evenings so I am no longer cooking dinner. DH is a grown man and he can fend for himself. There's no need to stress yourself and the baby out by going through 30 minutes of craziness so your DH can have food. When I was still staying at home, I didn't ask a lot of DH because I was at home all day and he was at work. So I did all the nighttime parenting, most of the laundry, the dishes, etc. But I did ask that he do some stuff, especially keeping up after himself. My DH will do random chores as well and I can never for the life of me figure out why he does those things instead of scrubbing a dirty toilet or taking out the trash.

[greenmulberry]

I think you need to have a talk with him and let him, know what you need help with. It sounds like he is trying to do things that he thinks will help (clean the oven) but he is just clueless.

You need to straight up tell him that 24/7 baby duty is too much for you and he needs to take her from you some each day so you can regenerate.

I WOH and the first thing I do when I get home is take the baby from DP so he can unwind and do some things he is unable to do while carrying a non napping baby all day.

[Shaki]

My DH does the follwoing stuff:

take out garbage and recycling

load and unload dishwasher

fold laundry

put older DD to bed (this includes a pretty intense toothcare session nightly)

He also handles bill paying, fixing things around the house, and works full time. For him this feels like alot, and it is.

I stay home and handle the bulk of childcare, cooking, cleaning, groceries, day to day budgeting, school etc. We are both basically cool with this. We do struggle over childcare issues and stuff (I think everyone does). For me I could always use more help. But we both try to understand the others perspective and notice when the other really needs a break or some support. We also try to let each other know when we need help. It's an ongoing issue and sometimes we handle it better than others. It was actually harder when we just had one kid, now with 2 it's obvious that everyone in the house needs to help out and DH has stepped it up. I also have stopped wanting him to instinctively know what I would like him to do (kind of passive aggressive on my part). Now when I need help i say so directly and I don't feel guilty about it...I used to and then would resent DH because I felt guilty! So asking for help used to be more fraught with emotion, now I don't have time for that! Which I think is better for all of us.

I can understand how you are feeling OP! Your DH does need to step it up. I suggest talking with him directly about the situation at a time when you are feeling calm.  Also try asking him in the moment for help when you need it. Chore charts are easy to lose or disregard plus he may have felt you were treating him like a child (sounds like he's acting like a child, so I can understand treating him like one! That thing with the fish tank is beyond frustrating and disrespectful.)  I agree with PP: Don't cook dinner if he can't hold the baby. You can just say "I can cook when you can take the baby," and If he can't hold the baby for whatever reason then stay out of the kitchen. Don't feel guilty or bad about it!!

I hope things improve it sounds like you really need a break!!!!!

[McGucks]

There is nothing more draining (that I have experienced in 41 years) than having a newborn/infant on you literally 24/7.  It is exhausting and can be demoralizing (at times) under the very, very best of circumstances.

First, I am sorry to hear that your time together during the paternity leave was not as you envisioned it.  My DH turned into a wonderful dad after a time, but those few months were such a weird time.  He was actually laid off and thought he'd be able to do lots with our LO while he was home.  As you now know, many new babies want nothing to do with their dads for awhile.  DH had to be content to pretty much take care of the baby BY TAKING CARE OF ME.  This was not how he wanted it, but he eventually realized it was about all he could realistically do.  Things did change over time as far as his being able to actually play with our child, and now our toddler would usually rather play with him than me. 

My DH has asked for a chore chart because he says he just doesn't "see" anything that needs to be done.  When I ask him to do things, sometimes he does, and sometimes he doesn't because he is tired from work and wants to relax.  When I know I am also tired from my work of being a SAHM (including still getting up many times a night to nurse our child back to sleep), this makes me very, very resentful.  We have tried to talk through this many times, but I often feel I'm banging my head against a wall.

DH has a semi-work related hobby that gets him out of the house two nights a week for 4-6 hours a pop.  As you said, I get jealous and hurt even though I don't have a comparable activity to get me out of the house...plus, I honestly don't want to be away from our child for more than an hour, ever.  I just get lonely sometimes.  Mom's groups, LLL, and mom friends have been pretty helpful to me.

All the advice in the world (and I've posted about this issue, too) can help in some ways, but a partner who takes you for granted as a loving mom/maid/cook is a partner who is going to be resented big time.

The upside, as represented by his steam cleaning when you are simultaneously cooking and (still) holding the baby:  he does want to help and is trying to "get it."  The chore list should have helped, along those lines, so I don't know why it didn't for you. 

I agree with the PP who said to try talking to him again at a time when you are calm and at least not semi-hysterical from exhaustion (and when that might be, I don't know).

I lose my patience with our toddler more often when DH is home.  I have noticed that when he is home, I finally have two seconds to think about MY needs and am more likely to kind of act out along those lines.  I am not dangerous or anything when I lose my temper, but I feel rotten and like all the good interactions I've had with my child all day are wiped out for one time that I handled something poorly.  I am working on that feeling, but it sucks.

I will say things have gotten somewhat easier as he'd gotten older (19 months now).  However, I will still say this can be an awfully tough job.  Yes, I love it, and yes, I love my child...but what other job can you have that is 24/7/365 (at least on call), done on very little sleep, no breaks, no $?  Give yourself credit that you are doing a very admirable and difficult thing.

I have sometimes resorted to writing my husband a note or a letter when I feel too upset to communicate verbally with him.

Good luck, mama. 

[yell]

WOW--this is totally the theme of my mood today.  I feel SUPER fed up with my husband today, although some of the reasons are partially out of his control.  First, in regards to your situation, it sounds like husband isn't doing anywhere CLOSE to his fair share and I can completely understand your frustration.  I don't have any good words of wisdom, but I can say that I think this is a common thing among couples with young children. 

In my house, this is how the division of labor is split:

ME:  Monday thru Friday I do all nighttime parenting and mostly all of the parenting in general, work part-time out of the home, organize and pay bills, organize and make dinners, laundry, handle all of the adminstrative household tasks (doctor's appts, food shopping lists, etc.), I also do most of the small things like vacuum and make the bed

HUBBY:  works full-time, parenting a few hours alone on Wednesday while I work and all day Saturdays while I work, SOME nighttime parenting on the weekend, cleans the bathroom (but as of right now it's been weeks since my bathroom has seen a scrub brush), does the dishes (but as of right now the dishes are piled up and my kitchen sink smells)

Granted, it's peak season at my husband's job so he's been working 3AM-3PM most days.  But right now I just don't care how many hours he works.  I do all of the research about everything that has to do with our daughter, I'm the one who is responsible for finding her a new pediatrician because our current one won't do an alternative vaccination schedule.  All of the worrying, figuring out, coordinating, and researching feels like a full-time job in itself- ya know what I mean?  I don't feel like my husband does enough and I DO expect more and it only puts a wedge between us.  Sometimes it feels like it would be easier if I were a single parent that way I wouldn't have to be disappointed in anyone because I would just be soley responsible for everything.  =/

[Peony]

Sigh. It isn't much better here and this isn't our first go around. I've still always done most of the stuff around the house and all baby related, thee are 4 of them now, I just can't do everything. Our sitter is helping out quite a bit with the driving of other kids but at the end of the day, dinner still has to be made, school gear collected, homework checked, lunches packed, on and on. He will do a couple things like help pick up the living room but only if I ask and usually with a big sigh. He does put the 2 year to bed at night so I have to give him credit for that. 

[mugglesmom]

My hubby doesn't do much around here either.  He works a ton so that I can stay home so I feel kind guilty asking for help, but taking care of 3 month old is exhausting.  There are days that I can't put him down at all and he doesn't nap unless he's nursing so I can't even make a meal for myself.  DH has said "you just sit around nursing him all day"  I have to explain to him how hard that is some days I think he finally gets it.  To be fair he does take care of all the garbage, recycling, lawn mowing, and maintainence around the house so its not like he does nothing.  DS cries if he's out of my arms for too long which DH finds frustrating, so it's hard to ask for his help anyway.  He's getting better but there are still days that I get pissed that I have to explain to him that he has to take care of his son while mom showers

[Shaki]

Originally Posted by mugglesmom 

 DS cries if he's out of my arms for too long which DH finds frustrating, so it's hard to ask for his help anyway.  He's getting better but there are still days that I get pissed that I have to explain to him that he has to take care of his son while mom showers

This used to sometimes be an issue when DD was a baby. It's sort of the downside of an attached baby mama relationship. MY DH used to take it personally when DD was super mama focused and that was hard. I think common issues with with Men and new babies: are feeling left out of an intense relationship, having a hard time getting that they are the grown ups and the babies are the babies and the babies need to be babied (!), and acting as though they are a babysitter instead of a parenting partner. All tuogh to deal with when you are an exhausted mama. Opps gotta run baby #2 needs to be babied!!

[hildare]

((hugs))

i'll just tell you how it works for us.  our situations are reversed, dh is a sahd and i woh full time. 

when i get home from work, i take the kid.  he cooks.  i clean the dishes/kitchen nightly though dh will empty the dishwasher.

we have a small farm, so he does a ton of outside work: grass, animals, fences, daily chores (he does when i get home before cooking) but this is mostly on the weekend.  wood, too. 

on the weekends, i am in charge of childcare, and i clean a good bit.  he helps with this as he can.  he will vacuum, etc.  i cook weekend meals.  i try to food prep for the week too, but that doesn't always happen. 

you are bearing more than your fair share right now.  i don't think that's acceptable. 

can you guys talk about it and work up a different chart together?  talk about what has to get done?  he really needs to do more than you're saying he's doing. 

if not, are you in a position to get someone to help you with the cleaning for a while?  it will get better when your baby gets older but right now, there's not a really good excuse for his lack of helping you, in my opinion.

[mugglesmom]

Originally Posted by yell 

 I do all of the research about everything that has to do with our daughter, I'm the one who is responsible for finding her a new pediatrician because our current one won't do an alternative vaccination schedule.  All of the worrying, figuring out, coordinating, and researching feels like a full-time job in itself- ya know what I mean?  I don't feel like my husband does enough and I DO expect more and it only puts a wedge between us.  Sometimes it feels like it would be easier if I were a single parent that way I wouldn't have to be disappointed in anyone because I would just be soley responsible for everything.  =/

He's a total no-vax, non-circ, lactavist but only because I researched everything night and day when I was preggo.  Now that the little bugger is here I still do all of that stuff.  If it were up to DH he'd just do whatever is easiest I think.  I don't think that a lot of dads realize that even when we aren't physically parenting we are mentally and emotionally parenting 24 hours a day. 

And now to give the man some credit, he does get insanely protetive of me and my right to BF where ever and will support any decision I make regarding Fosston.  He's even getting excited about EC.

[BabySmurf]

((Hugs!!)

The transition to Mother is one of the hardest things ever! And not for any of the reasons I thought! You need to give yourself permission to let some things slide sometimes.  It's really impossible to handle everything when you have a high needs baby.  Something has to give, and it shouldn't be your relationships.  What I did was assign certain chores for certain days, so like I will only do laundry on Tuesday and Thursdays, and only if it's in the hamper.  Wednesday's I clean the bathroom, etc, etc.  If things get dirty between I prioritize.  My house is a bit chaotic most days, but I would rather let myself enjoy my baby, than stress about the dishes getting done.  Life is much too short to worry about details like that.  You need to figure out what your "need to dos" and your "should do's", which things you can realistically do, which things you need your DH to do, and which things can slide.  Not everything is going to get done every time. 

Then you need to have a talk with your DH about why you need his help, and which things you need help with.  I know that you tried to do that with the chart, but you should really have a discussion with him.  I know my DH thought that he would be stepping on my toes if he went ahead and did certain things (I'm defintely a type A personality), so he was just letting me get to it.    But really, how is he supposed to know?

For us, when DS was a little baby, and a high needs one at that - an obligate chest sleeper, and avid nurser, my DH would come home from work exhausted and still help out with things like cooking dinner, but I would have to keep the baby.  And the dishes would only get done every few days.  It was hard.  It is hard, lol! And this is the time that people enjoy the most too. crazy, huh? Now, DS is easier to take care of, but DH works ALL the time, and doesn't get home until after DS and me are in bed most nights, so I take care of most of the house hold stuff, cooking, etc.  DH does the trash, house stuff, mows the lawn, etc, and he will cook occasionally on the weekends.  It works for us, when he is at work less, then he helps around the house more...or takes the Boy so I can get some work done.  I still have little to no real "down" time, except when DS is entertaining himself (like right now).  But that's life!! I try to thank my DH for doing chores (not for helping ME do chores, but for chipping in), and not nag too much if he doesn't get his stuff done or read my mind if I need help.  We both need breaks sometimes, the trick is to admit it to each other before you begum totally overwhelmed.  Even five min here and there can make the world of difference. 

So mostly you need to wait until you are in a calm mood, and explain that taking care of another human being is draining and hard, and that you need help sometimes.  Ooops! g2g

[dot1]

dh works full time too.  my baby is a week old.

He cooks just about every meal (he likes to cook).

He does most of the laundry.

He does most of the yard and garden work.

He scrubs the toilet and sink often.

He is now putting our 4 yr old dd to bed.

He will take baby whenever my arms and body need a break.

I expect this will continue.

He still has time to sit down with a beer and watch Jay Leno in the evenings.

I vacuum, dust, bake cookies, make granola, look after baby and dd.  I'm the nighttime baby parent so he can sleep and have energy to do all the other stuff.  I think he "gets" that a baby is a 24/7 job that makes 40 hour workweeks look like a mere pittance.

Sorry but that level of laziness in a SO is unacceptable to me.  You can show him this post so he can see that there are lots of masculine, great guys out there who rise to the challenge and buck up.  They will reap more reward in time if they choose to be involved.

[lockhart36]

I expect a lot my out of my DH. I pretty much expect half of the housework and half of the parenting duties to be his responsibility because he is the other half of this partnership.

As far as housework goes, the stuff that no one likes to do i.e. toilet cleaning, we completely split, as in "I did it last time, tag you're it." I love to cook so I normally do all the cooking. We both do dishes and a quick kitchen clean up after dinner because it is easier and faster to do it together while ds1 who is 2yo gets his limited tv time of the day and ds2 who is 5 months sits in his bumbo/swing/bouncer or just lays on a blanket and watches us. I do most feedings with exclusively bf ds2 (I work 2 nights a week for 3-4 hours) and I do night time parenting bc DH gets up much earlier than the rest of us.

We even split on yard work, DH does all lawn mowing and snow removal. I do all weeding, gardening, and raking of leaves. DH does tons of laundry, though I always end up folding and putting away, not sure why.

As far as parenting goes, I think it's really important for daddies to be actively involved. Having daddy sing, read stories, play peekaboo, give baths, change diapers is really important to me and my boys. Of course we both have our roles to a point. We joke that he's fun and I'm food. But really I may comfort more, but he can soothe if needed and he may be the best at the run and chase, but I'm pretty good at the playground.

Being a parent is exhausting. It is much easier doing things together.

[Katie8681]

Quote:

We joke that he's fun and I'm food.

Holy crap! Are you me?? This is exactly what we say in my house!

[RabbitMomma]

Originally Posted by Shaki 

This used to sometimes be an issue when DD was a baby. It's sort of the downside of an attached baby mama relationship. MY DH used to take it personally when DD was super mama focused and that was hard. I think common issues with with Men and new babies: are feeling left out of an intense relationship, having a hard time getting that they are the grown ups and the babies are the babies and the babies need to be babied (!), and acting as though they are a babysitter instead of a parenting partner. All tuogh to deal with when you are an exhausted mama. Opps gotta run baby #2 needs to be babied!!

Yeah, I think this is how DH feels too. He was super excited about the baby, he bought loads of stuff for her and even practiced carrying stuffed animals in the wrap before she was born. Then I think he felt really left out and slightly clueless when she finally arrived. You know how it is with newly born babies, they're on the boob pretty much 24/7 so he never really got a big chance to hold her. I think he felt that he couldn't bond because of that. I think that things are starting to get better for him in that respect now that she's older and showing more personality, and not wanting to cluster feed as much at nights. He definitely felt discouraged when he had her at nights and she was screaming bloody murder because she just wanted her boobies. I started pumping last week so that DH could feed her sometimes, and honestly I wish I had done it sooner. He hasn't actually fed her yet but it's kind of nice to know that there's milk for her sitting in the fridge ready to go if I ever need a break or am just totally worn out at night. I think it will be nice for DH too when he has her when she's in a bad mood.
 

Originally Posted by mugglesmom 

DH has said "you just sit around nursing him all day"  I have to explain to him how hard that is some days I think he finally gets it.

Uh huh that's what DH says to me too. I was complaining to him a few days ago about how he's on the computer all the time, and he said to me "yeah well you play your DS all the time too" (It's my guilty pleasure). And yeah, I do play my DS a lot at night, while I'm nursing the baby because there's not much else I can be doing! It's really hard because I feel like I'm doing so much and so little at the same time if you know what I mean. I never knew that it would be so draining to do what seems like hardly anything. I do sit at home most of the day and entertain or nurse the baby, and it's really, really hard! I think men have a hard time understanding that.
 

Originally Posted by caedenmomma 

I lose my patience with our toddler more often when DH is home.  I have noticed that when he is home, I finally have two seconds to think about MY needs and am more likely to kind of act out along those lines.  I am not dangerous or anything when I lose my temper, but I feel rotten and like all the good interactions I've had with my child all day are wiped out for one time that I handled something poorly.  I am working on that feeling, but it sucks.

Ugh, I know what you mean. I feel like I do a really, really good job with DD during the day. I have all the patience in the world for her and don't get upset at all when she has a spout of crying or needs to cluster feed for a few hours. Then sometimes at night I just get so exhausted by the day that I just loose my patience. I had to get up and leave the room a few times last week because I really felt like I was loosing control. Never was I dangerous or anything, but it was a really horrible feeling.

[RabbitMomma]

Thanks everyone so much for your responses, it's really nice to know that I'm not alone on this! Things are much better between me and DH now. Friday I sat down and made a chore chart with both of our names on it for us, and when DH got home I calmly talked to him about what I needed him to do. I made the chore chart so that every time we do a chore, we get a star in the box for that week (I know, I know it's totally ridiculous, but it's surprisingly satisfying to put a star up on the board!) and whoever gets the most stars gets to choose where we go out to dinner. Yep, I feel like I'm running a kindergarten class, but that's okay - it's working for us and DH was mildly amused by it all. The embarrassing thing is that he's winning with the stars at the moment- he even cleaned out the rat cage last night!