Husband wants 14MO out of the bed

[Pythia]

I cosleep and nurse my 14MO daughter.  I got an Arms Reach cosleeper when she got out of the NICU (6 weeks early) but that didn't last more than 2 weeks and she was in my bed. 

My sex life has come to a screeching halt.  We've probably had sex 5 times, maybe less since she's been born.  He's not even sleeping in the bed anymore and says I'm just making it harder to get her into her own bed.  I've only heard that from everyone I know. Personally, if I had to choose between my husband sleeping in my bed & my daughter, I'd choose my daughter, but I'm afraid doing that might mean the end of our marriage.  We have other issues too, but I believe not having sex only makes them soooo much worse.  Both of us already have issues with sex drive and this just makes it worse.  At this point I think we both feel like we never need to have sex again but I feel like we NEED to even though I don't necessarily DESIRE it.  We both struggle with depression, and I think that has a lot to do with our lack of libido.  I put a twin mattress in our bedroom just so that we could do it there after she falls asleep but he doesn't seem to care.  I'm not sure if this is an excuse or not.  

I don't know what to do & I'm not sure if pushing her out of my bed is the answer... Help?

[Simoney]

I am hardly on the Mothering forums but just stumbled across this message and wanted you to know you are not alone! Lack of sexual energy/desire has been a huge issue for me & my husband since we had our baby (who is now 2.5 years old - think we've had sex three times since she was born, so I"ve got ya beat!) He has no problem about libido, it's pretty much me. But I"m at home all day parenting and after nursing our daughter to sleep, when I finally go downstairs I just want a few minutes to relax, of me time, whereas he's like 'ok, you made it down, now let's have sex immediately before she wakes up." so I feel like as soon as I finally have a half an hour off from meeting my daughter's needs, I now have to meet my husband's - which makes me kind of angry..it's difficult. I cosleep alone with our daughter, but even if we didn't co-sleep, I don't think we'd be going at it like teenagers (the end of the day is the worst time for sex for us anyway!)...I haven't offered any advice here, but just wanted to know you are not alone! I keep thinking that when I am done nursing my sexy hormones will kick back in. I have to say the last time we managed to have semi not dismal mutually enthusiastic sex (Rather than me trying to force myself to have sex to please him which is HORRIBLE) it was like a cloud lifted from our marriage. Even though I wasn't really really into it, I actually was having fun, so it was all good. I think it's worth it to try to have sex, but I don't have any answers about how or when...have you started your period again yet? I remember my libido marginally increased once that happened. I am hoping to wean our sweetie between 3-4 and that is the light at the end of the tunnel. For now I offer to do other things to keep his sexual frustration within bounds, which is kind of depressing in a way, but it seems better than nothing. What would my women's studies class in college say about this I wonder?!!! Good luck!!

[Kobaby]

Our sex life has nose-dived too, but I find Sunday during DS' nap to be the best time. We've spent Saturday being a family, I'm relaxed, he's relaxed... Plus it doesn't feel too bad if the baby wakes up "early" from a nap rather than waking fully at night and waiting for me to put my pants back on

[suprnoodle]

wow - just want to say I am so glad you started this thread! our sex life has tanked too and I didn't really think there were people in such a similar situation!

[Leemama]

Oh man, I am 9 months pregnant with 1st baby and that's definitely one of my biggest fears, I keep hearing about people talking about how kids really changes everything for the couple because you just never feel like you have time alone, let alone time with "each other".

Your husband is reaching out to you so that's a really good sign, you should figure out a way to make sure that sex can happen soon.  

The Sunday idea sounds really good, or maybe even ask him about getting a sitter or doula so you two can spend some time together on a date night or something?

I'm glad I found this thread too, I can't wait to hear what other people are doing that's been working for them.

[dreamingtree]

Hmmm.... I guess my thought is, even if she were in her own bed, at night after you nurse her to sleep and then ever so carefully transfer her from wherever you nursed her to her own bed (without her waking up, which was always a challenge for me with my little one!),  just because your bed is available now with no baby in it,  are you even going to feel like having sex? I know that a lot of moms just feel so exhausted at the end of a long day of childcare.   I would assume her crib/bed would be in your bedroom?  I think putting the twin mattress on the floor for sex after she's asleep was a great idea. I don't see how it would be all that different from her being in her own bed in your room and you guys having sex in your bed at night.  It's just swapping places. I wonder why he doesn't like that plan. (A fella that wants to get laid perhaps shouldn't be so choosy...just sayin'!) I find that the baby's naptime is a good time for some "afternoon delight".  

I'm sorry you're having a hard time with this, I know what you mean when you say that not having sex can put a strain on the whole relationship. And depression makes it that much worse.  It's so hard! especially when you've got a baby depending on you.  I hope things get better soon! 

[Snapdragon]

We sidecar a crib which gives me and dh our own bed, and ds his own crib space, but he is right there next to us. I love our sleeping arrangement- I wouldn't want ds not to be next to me but I love having our bed to ourselves.

Edited by Snapdragon - 11/1/11 at 12:23pm

[Aithnea]

Our girl is 15 months and I totally hear you.  Since having her our sex life has taken a nose dive.  Partially from baby and me being tired from tending to her all day, partially from DH's job.  He's work over 70 hours a week currently and attending school on Saturdays.  Sundays are the only time we can really have family time let alone husband/wife time or in DH's case Daddy/Daughter time.  But we have found a few things that have worked for us: 1. Talking to each other.  If one of us is in the mood we let the other know.  Sometimes just talking about it and building excitement will get the other one going too.  Sometimes the other one is just too run down, in that case we do one of two things; just except that the other isn't in the mood and wait it out or the one not in the mood will offer to take DD for a couple of hours leaving the excited one at home for some "personal" time.  2. The couch.  Our place is too small for the spare twin mattress on the floor option so we make use of the couch which is in a different room.  3. If neither of us are in the mood for sex but we still want to spend time together we've picked up a couple of games that the two of us can place (and can stop at a moments notice in case DD wakes up and needs one of us).  Sometimes just having that couple time together to reconnect is all that we needed.  4.  Now this option isn't for everyone and ties in with number one.  When my sex drive was at it's lowest point I actually offered to buy DH a sex toy.  He turned me down but I think my acknowledgment that he still had desires and needs and my willingness to help find a solution did help.

The biggest thing you can do though is being open and honest with your husband.  Find out why he wants your girl out of the bed.  Is it because he misses sleeping with you?  Is it purely a sex thing (which is something you two can work around)?  Is it that he misses baby-free time with you?  May-be see if someone can watch your daughter one afternoon and the two of you can go on a date and talk things out.