I have been trying to get the energy up to post this for days. I was 7 weeks pregnant and noticed some bleeding a few days ago. Had an ultrasound - no sign of fetus in the sac. Intense cramping and constant bleeding since then. My body is de-pregnating itself. I can't name this experience or the emotions I'm feeling...
I have one beautiful baby who I love. He was not planned. I had birth trauma with him and post partum depression. I went to counseling and finally was at a beautiful place where I WANTED another baby. It took me SO. LONG. to get there. So, we planned this pregnancy. The due date was perfect - in the beginning of summer when my husband would be home to help. I just knew it was a girl. I had a name picked out. The spacing between my first and this baby was exactly what I wanted. My first child had been talking to my belly and was so excited.
My first pregnancy was such a hard experience. My second pregnancy was so carefully planned, and such a joyful experience and it seems so horrible that it was taken away. I feel traumatized all over again.
I always knew women miscarried but I never thought it would happen to me. Now the fact that "I had a miscarriage" is part of my life story and I can't bear to think that. It's too sad. I feel so....jaded/old/un-naive. It makes me feel less optimistic/young and more like a person who has wrinkles on their face that reveal their sad life struggles.
I know the statistics of having another baby are in my favor, but I feel so scared, scarred, and like nothing can ever fix this.
I go between bouts of crying, laughing, feeling nothing, and shock/disbelief.
I don't know where to go from here and nothing seems as important....