Worn out by having to be an "AP Parent in Hiding"

[malayasmommy]

Almost none of my friends, and definitely none of my family, AP parent.  I have a DD who is 3.5 and a son who is 6 mos.  I'm feeling less and less tolerant of "advice" handed to me from non-AP parents about what to do with my children when I'm venting about normal parent frustrations.  (i.e. "So how long do you let DS cry until you pick him up?";  "You haven't moved DS out of your room YET???"; "If he's old enough to ask for the boobs, he needs to stop breastfeeding", etc.)  I'm not hard-core AP (i.e. my kids have plastic toys; my 3 yr old DD watches PBS and sometimes--gasp--Dora; etc.  I say this jokingly btw, so hopefully no offense taken).  My point being that I don't think I deviate super far from the norm.  It's just getting more and more frustrating, and can feel super lonely.  I've tried meeting up with AP groups in my area but DD has a really difficult time getting out the door (transitions are very difficult for her) and the locations are usually 30 min or so from my house.  So while I've tried each and every week for the last 6 weeks to go...we end up missing it in a sea of crying and frustration as my DD begs me to stay home and play "Princess" with her.  So, Princess it is...

How do you all deal with this?  I try to surround myself with Facebook pages full of status updates around AP parenting styles; I try to get on the computer and get on websites like Mothering for support but the time to do that is few and far between.

I worry a bit, because while I believe with all my heart that this is the best way for me to raise my family, I can't help but start to question if my choices are the right ones.  This usually happens only when I'm sleep deprived and desperate for solutions (where there may not even be ones), but I know that with my DD it caused a lot of anxiety when my beliefs were at odds with the messages mainstream society gives us about how to raise kids.

Anyone have any great solutions???  :-)  Sorry, I guess I am having one of those sleep-deprived, anxiety ridden days and am looking for some support from you wise mama's. 

Thanks in advance.

[whozeyermamma]

I feel like it has gotten easier as I've gotten older. The other day a mom asked me how DS (now 16 mo) was sleeping and mentioned something about doing CIO. I just said simply "We don't do cry it out."

No judgment on my part, no explanation, I didn't feel defensive or anything and it felt really liberating. We just don't do it that way.

It can be hard - I have a mixed bag - some friends who are very much in line with me - some who did hard-core extinction CIO, some who didn't want to try to BF, whatever. I find that it helped me to acknowledge to myself that  I AM making a value judgment about their parenting choices because -yes - I think it's wrong. But that I can still try to get along with them. I can keep my mouth shut about your CIO, just the way I hope they keep their mouths shut about my bedsharing. (If you ask me for my opinion, I'll certainly give it ... )

Be gentle with yourself, know that you are doing the right thing for you and your family. I found it freeing to admit to myself that I do think that other people are wrong - it got me all bunched up inside to keep thinking  "oh well, to each his own." I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

I also found it helpful to be self-depricating - "Oh you know us, we're those crazy baby-wearing, co-sleeping hippie weirdos," - It kind of takes the wind out of their sails - if you say it before they do.

Or sarcasm: When I got snotty remarks from my inlaws about babywearing, ("Are you just going to have him in that thing all day?") I'd stroke my sweetly sleeping boy and say things like: "Well, he looks so miserable, right?"

[Krystal323]

It also gets easier as your kids get older.  My oldest is 12 now, and while I still get odd looks and confusion from some ppl, they are much less likely to be judgy about how we do things, and much more curious as to how we handled X when my kids were their kids' age 

I don't "HIDE", tho.  Over the years, i've found it much more effective and easy for all involved to be upfront about the way we parent/eat/live.  I'm sure I alienate some folks who are going "huhwhaaa?!"  but you know, it's better to alienate some folks from the get-go--then to have a false sense of "getting along" established when you first meet, and then have it deteriorate as they slowly realize how UN-alike we actually are.  

Does it mean I have fewer friends?  Perhaps.  But the ones that I do have, I've been able to connect with more deeply and fully from the start, because there's been no reticent holding-back of who we truly are in order to uphold some bogus social standard of normalcy, yk?  

[akind1]

I've finally met a group of local AP mamas - yes it's hard getting out of the house, I have an almost 2 year old and a newborn - but it is so worth it to talk about bed-sharing with others that do it, babywearing styles and tricks, and to be able to NIP with a group that could care less if you bother to cover up or not. I say try to make it happen, even if you can't meet all the time, once in a while it is so refreshing!

As for how to respond, I often tell people we do what we do because a) it works for us and b) we're just lazy! I mean, I don't have to wash (many) bottles or fix them - just lift up my shirt and dinner's served!  I don't fight my kids on bed time or where they sleep, the important thing is that they and us DO sleep. if it is all in one bed, why not?

Now somethings I am not super open about unless asked  - we don't vax and our son isn't circ'd - and if anyone asks, I'll tell them so and why (if they want to know), but because these are really heated topics, I don't just bring them them up for no reason. Most of our friends vax on schedule and circ their sons. I don't ask why. If they've ever changed DS's diaper, they know he's not circ'd. most don't know that we don't vax.

Don't feel you need to hide about anything. You certainly aren't doing anything wrong, and the happier and more confident you seem in your choices, the less people will bug you about them. Like DS has finally consistently been sleeping all night in his own bed since I had DD, but before I didn't complain about him joining us in bed in the middle of the night, it was just a fact of life. Since I accepted it as such, when other people found out that he did so, I didn't get advice really, just odd looks (which I can ignore).

[ashleyhaugh]

Originally Posted by whozeyermamma 

I feel like it has gotten easier as I've gotten older. The other day a mom asked me how DS (now 16 mo) was sleeping and mentioned something about doing CIO. I just said simply "We don't do cry it out."

No judgment on my part, no explanation, I didn't feel defensive or anything and it felt really liberating. We just don't do it that way.

It can be hard - I have a mixed bag - some friends who are very much in line with me - some who did hard-core extinction CIO, some who didn't want to try to BF, whatever. I find that it helped me to acknowledge to myself that  I AM making a value judgment about their parenting choices because -yes - I think it's wrong. But that I can still try to get along with them. I can keep my mouth shut about your CIO, just the way I hope they keep their mouths shut about my bedsharing. (If you ask me for my opinion, I'll certainly give it ... )

Be gentle with yourself, know that you are doing the right thing for you and your family. I found it freeing to admit to myself that I do think that other people are wrong - it got me all bunched up inside to keep thinking  "oh well, to each his own." I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

I also found it helpful to be self-depricating - "Oh you know us, we're those crazy baby-wearing, co-sleeping hippie weirdos," - It kind of takes the wind out of their sails - if you say it before they do.

Or sarcasm: When I got snotty remarks from my inlaws about babywearing, ("Are you just going to have him in that thing all day?") I'd stroke my sweetly sleeping boy and say things like: "Well, he looks so miserable, right?"

my son is 4 now, and this is pretty much what i've done over the years too, lol

[Skippy918]

I hate that when I'm venting to a friend or family member about DDs sleep issues, they tell me to put rice cereal in a bottle. Argh.

[zinemama]

I found that the connection I had with friends went way deeper than our parenting styles. My friends and I did things differently - some more AP than me, some less. But I really wasn't looking for validation of my parenting choices from my friends; I was looking for connection on a friendship level, and that was the important thing. I think that if you really enjoy these women's company, you're going to have to let the parenting thing go. If they're real friends, you shouldn't feel lonely around them. And if they're good friends, you should be able to say, "Hey, I value your friendship and would appreciate it if you didn't put down the way I parent." On the other hand, if these are just acquaintances, and not true friends with whom you have a deeper connection, maybe you should stop spending time with them.

Also, I get that transitions are hard for some kids, but allowing a 3yo to "make you" stay home and play princess with her six weeks in a row instead of leaving the house like you planned sounds like something I'd want to put the kibosh on, pronto.