Nap nightmare. So sad. :(

[Awaken]

We're in such a nap nightmare, any suggestions or encouragement would be appreciated.

My 2 you has always needed to be put down to bed completely asleep, which would take HOURS every night (would wake up screaming with any attempt to put her down).  For naps during the day it has always been easier for me to just lay with her on a low mattress and nurse her to sleep.  However, she absolutely WILL NOT unlatch without waking up screaming, so basically for 3 hrs every day I'm confined to the bed with her.  This was sort-of ok with me for a while, but I have 2 other kids who need me, meals to make, and things I legitimately need to do during the day, and 2 years of being immobile in bed for 3 hrs a day is just not feasible any longer.  Basically when the other kids are home they are left to their own devices to find their own food and keep themselves busy.  At bedtime when my dh isn't home, they are on their own playing computer games for hours (the only way to keep them in bed and occupied) because I am with her for hours, then that makes them stay up too late when they really need to go to sleep and they need some 1:1 time with their mom! 

The thing is, with her father and the babysitter she will happily hop into the crib and lay there singing and playing til she falls asleep, so I know she can do it developmentally.  The issue is ONLY with me.  I've begun having a long nursing session, saying "bye bye" to milk, then putting her in the crib and sitting there patting her till she falls asleep so she isn't dependent on nursing to sleep with me.  She would often cry for a few mins. while I patted and shushed her then fall asleep.  This worked a few times, but it's only getting worse, not better.  Now she immediately starts screaming bloody murder if I even mention or walk near the bed, goes nuts even if I'm sitting there patting her.  Today she screamed for over an hour while I patted her, talked to her, tried leaving and coming back, nursed her again and did the whole routine over again.  She was clearly exhausted and falling asleep in my arms from the very beginning and this whole routine keeps her up hours past when she needed to be asleep.

She is absolutely miserable when she gets even a few minutes less sleep than she needs.  When she doesn't nap, or nap well, she is impossible to manage, clinging, screaming, tantrums, etc and I am alone with 3 kids all day and my older kids need my attention, help with homework, meals, none of which is even slightly possible when she is overtired, and the other kids get totally ignored.  So it's critical that she naps.

I have always been anti-CIO and this is breaking my heart but I don't know what else to do.  I just feel like the worst parent ever, I hate what the crying might be doing to her, and doing to our relationship, and it makes me sick emotionally.  Yet not napping isn't an option, and me laying there for hours every day isn't an option either :( 

[To-Fu]

You are not a bad mama!  You both sound like you need some relief.  You don't have to resort to CIO!  I actually think that might make matters worse.  She seems like she''s having attachment issues specific to you--is that possible?

Could you wear her for naps for a while?  Or go for a walk, maybe?  For a while, when my 17mo was going through that phase, I let my older child quietly play and read next to us in bed.  It was good for him to have the quiet time, too. 

[Awaken]

Nope, it's official, I get the award for the worst, most incompetent mother ever.  Same routine today, tried everything to make it gentle and relaxing and she still screamed for an hour and never took a nap even though she was exhausted.  My dh took over and she passed right out.  Everyone but me can get her down with no problem.  Yes, she does have attachment issues with me- she is happy, exuberant, sweet, and calm with everyone else, and with me she is clingy, throws tantrums, and generally extremely difficult to maintain.

I have worn her for naps or laid down with her for her entire life.  Now that she is 2 it's impractical, nearly impossible, to wear a sleeping 2 yr old while chopping vegetables, making phone calls, helping older kids with schoolwork, doing big cleaning jobs that I can't do with kids around, etc.  She won't go on my back b/c she knows she can't nurse that way, so it would only be on my front.  In the ergo or stroller she will wake up after a few minutes and be miserable for the rest of the day.  She doesn't transfer, at all, ever, so wherever she falls asleep she has to stay there and there can be zero noise or movement whatsoever.  In the crib is the only way she'll sleep for the 2 hrs she needs, and it is impossible for me to get her in there. 

[Redmom]

Originally Posted by Awaken 

Nope, it's official, I get the award for the worst, most incompetent mother ever.  Same routine today, tried everything to make it gentle and relaxing and she still screamed for an hour and never took a nap even though she was exhausted.  My dh took over and she passed right out.  Everyone but me can get her down with no problem.  Yes, she does have attachment issues with me- she is happy, exuberant, sweet, and calm with everyone else, and with me she is clingy, throws tantrums, and generally extremely difficult to maintain.

I'm so sorry to hear this.  I don't have any advice, but just wanted to say you are NOT incompetent.  Your little one obviously really loves being with you so much.  You are doing a great job to be sensitive to her needs and you have done this for such a long time.  No wonder you are tired and frustrated.

I'm sorry I don't know what to suggest - I have just one DS who is 11 months, so I'm not sure what happens when they get older, or how to manage things with 3 kids. 

Maybe you could read some of the older posts (so that you can find out how things played out), and hopefully find someone who has gone through the same thing to send a private message to? 
 

[newmamalizzy]

Hey, I know it's really hard, as we have a similar situation with naps, but I'd be willing to bet large sums of money that you're not the worst mother ever.  Or even the worst mother of the year.  Or even a bad mother at all!  Bad mothers don't try to be gentle.  I'm sure you know that, but I just want to remind you.  The only thought I have on the situation is that maybe you need to get her in the bed before she seems tired.  When I try to transition my sleepy daughter, she gets as furious as I would be if I was about to fall asleep and someone yanked the blankets off.  You mention in your post that your daughter was almost asleep in your arms the whole time, so maybe you got to her too late?  The other thing is the nursing - what would happen if you just skipped it?  I've found that lately having a bottle before nap actually ruins the whole thing.  She gets mad when the comfort of the bottle ends, or enters an upswing because the bottle doesn't put her all the way to sleep anymore.  We've had better success doing a slightly earlier bottle and separating it from the going-to-sleep part.  Maybe your husband and others have better success because the don't nurse her first?

[Awaken]

Thanks so much for your encouragement!

I think you're totally right, it is a lot harder when she is exhausted and falling asleep in my arms to put her down.  The few times I remember it going well, she was more awake at bedtime, and rather than falling asleep at the breast, she was able to nurse and then say "all done" to milk, and we could talk about her getting into bed, and she was ok with getting in and me sitting there till she fell asleep.  I guess sometimes for various reasons, we aren't able to get to nap/bedtime till she is really tired, although I agree that the ideal is to start when she is less tired and more reasonable!

For now, DH has completely taken over bedtime so I'm not doing nighttime at all :(  While this is easier for me, and much more pleasant for everyone involved, I do feel very sad that I can't put my own child to bed at night, and hate being completely dependent on him- what if he goes away for the night or otherwise is away for bedtime, then I will be in trouble because she's not used to me putting her down any more!

During the day I've given up and gone back to laying down with her and nursing her to sleep (what I was trying to transition out of- keep in mind she is 2, not an infant, and I have been doing this for 2 straight years!).  I have gotten a couple days where I can eventually sneak away and get 1 1/2 hrs to work, eat, make calls, etc.  But many other times where I might get a 20 min. break to shove food in my mouth and pee and she wakes up and I end up laying there all afternoon and never getting a chance to make dinner or do anything I need to do.  Even so, that is better than 1+ hrs of screaming at naptime and the overwhelming frustration I was feeling :(

I totally agree that with me she expects to nurse to sleep- she's done it since birth, and nearly every single day of her life, so I can see why it would be very hard for her to not do that if Im around!  It makes sense that that's why she is totally fine to hop in bed and go to sleep for anyone else, because there is no milk involved!  I do want to figure out how we could skip nursing right before bed- I'd be fine with nursing downstairs and being done, then taking her up to bed, but then she'd want to nurse in the rocking chair up there b/c we always have!  I will have to think about how we could change that routine so the nursing is separated from the going to bed.