Teaching Perseverence ... without being pushy. (Montessori at home)

[Aletheia]

We do a wee bit of Montessori-inspired homeschooling (two boys, ages 3 and 5).  My main reason for doing so is to impress upon my children how wonderful it is to be curious, and to show them that I support their curiosity.  I dig the "prepared environment" for that reason.  I want to make it easy for them to be self-motivated learners.

What I am finding, 6 months in, is that I am encouraging a love of novelty, but not exactly a love of mastery.  They love it when I introduce new work, but rarely return to the same work twice, and often fail to finish a given work.  They are curious... but not motivated to finish, let alone perfect their ability to finish a given project.

I've been very hands-off so far, because it is dearly important to me that they me intrinsically motivated when it comes to their education.  I don't want to push them.  But I am unhappy with how things are going.  And I simply do not have time to keep coming up with new work for them to do only once, nor do I feel that is really the point.

Advice?

[Luckiestgirl]

If you are already committed to the Montessori approach, you might try posting this in the Montessori forum.  If you are open to other ideas/approaches, then I'd suggest . . . . maybe your kids have a different sense of what they want/need to master?  I feel strongly that very young children ARE self-motivated learners. You might look at the areas in which your children already show a lot of learning initiative (for example, when my youngest was two he took most of the keys off my laptop in an attempt to figure out how the thing worked).  Young children naturally move from one interest to another, and my experience is that you can't force them to desire mastery of something.

After several years of unschooling, we briefy put our children in a Montessori school this fall, for various reasons.  It did not go well.   For our family--and I understand that many other families have different experiences--Montessori was simply incompatiable with the intrinsic motivation my children were used to exercising.  My kids still enjoy a few of the Montessori manipulatives (e.g. the moveable alphabet), but free of the Montessori rules about proper usage, sequence, and mastery.

[moominmamma]

I think that perseverance is to some extent a value and a habit, but also a function of maturity. It requires a long-term view, a deferment of gratification: "If I do this work now, and keep at it, the results will eventually accrue." That ability to live beyond the moment is something that gets much easier during and after adolescence. Of course, that doesn't mean it isn't worth working at; it's just important not to have unrealistic expectations.

I've found it most enjoyable and productive with young children to engage them in collaborative long-term projects that evolve over time and have a certain intrinsic enjoyment to them. Rather than nurturing the ability to, say, split kindling day after day after day until your child has created an entire winter's supply, find work that changes as it accumulates and allows for celebratory self-satisfaction at the end.

For instance, vegetable gardening is a great such project. Digging the dirt through, finding worms, running wheelbarrows of compost over to the beds, planting the seeds, labelling the rows, watering, watching the sprouts emerge, weeding and watering in the summer sun, building trellises, harvesting, processing, cooking and eating ... it's stuff that changes and is enjoyable, the work can mostly be done socially and co-operatively, yet it forms an important object lesson in the value of planning, persistence and perseverance.  

Learning a musical instrument, if you can find a teacher and a home-practicing approach that makes "the steps along the way" developmentally appropriate and have some intrinsic enjoyment in them, is a great exercise is perseverance. Especially so because it is so easy to document progress on video or audio recordings over the months and years and then to revisit those early performances with your child and appreciate all the learning that has accrued.

If there is something repetitive that you think would be helpful for your kids to persist at, do something to make the work tangible to them -- something that they can see and touch. For instance, get two jars and put 100 marbles in one of them. Every time you child does the task once, have him move a marble from the first jar to the second jar. As the days and weeks pass, he'll be able to see the work he's done by seeing the dozens of marbles in jar 2. Make a chart, color it in, build a Lego tower with bricks that show repeats, whatever you think might appeal. 

Above all ... model persistence. Take up knitting and cast on a scarf. Knit a few rows here and there. Let them see how you continue with the project, and how eventually, after several weeks, it's six feet long. Read your way through a novel series. Take on a home decorating project. Grow herbs on your kitchen windowsill. Start getting yourself in shape to run a 10k. Take up folk guitar. Create an environment for your kids where they see perseverance modelled and appreciated.

Miranda

[Aletheia]

Wow!  I am so very grateful for both of these replies.  I've been struggling with this for the past month or so, and really just needed some help getting some new perspective.  Thank you two so much for providing it.

LuckiestGirl, I've been so enthusiastic about Montessori that I think I am a bit blind to its weaker points.  Your post is very helpful in getting me to consider ways in which it might not be a good fit for my child/ren.  My elder child has been in a Montessori preschool for the past year and a half... but is only just now beginning to engage with regularity with the teachers and the work.  He has mostly been a "watcher," which I appreciated the school giving him the opportunity to be.  But perhaps this was a sign that he needed more engagement, not more self-determination?  I have to wonder.  

moominmamma-  Are you a violinist/violist?  I'm looking at your avatar.  I am a violinist, and my mother is a Suzuki teacher.  We have a 1/16 size violin in the basement, but neither kid seems that interested in music right now, so we've wait listed that idea.  Both boys seem mostly interested in gross motor pursuits, and so we have them in gymnastics right now (which they love.)

I think I was sort of asking for affirmation that doing something external- the jar of marbles, the chart, the lego tower-- was acceptable.   So thanks for that.  That's my inclination, but again, I don't want their work to become about the marble at the end, either.  But a marble in a jar is different from a piece of candy, or even a sticker.  The idea of seeing cumulation happen-- that might be all I need.

Your advice about modeling perseverance, too, is excellent advice.  I'd like to think that I do that, but I am going to try to be more intentional about it.  

So this morning, we had a little situation come up that exemplifies my problem very well, and I thought I would see what others would do.

My 5 year old has professed that he is very interested in numbers, which seems to be true.  We have been working on addition for just a little while, and have a task designed around addition in our learning are.  I happened to mention that once he got really comfortable at getting through that project all the way by himself, I was excited to show him a change we can make in that project to help him learn subtraction, which we have not talked much about yet.  He got really excited and said he wanted to learn the subtraction right away.  I maintained that he needed to show me that he could get through the addition without needing help, and he immediately went to go get it.  But on the second sum, he stalled out, and went and laid on the floor and whined for the duration of the time that my 3 year old was finishing his own work (with my assistance.)  

So do I skip right towards the subtraction, when he has done the addition work two times with me, and never once by himself?  I think I intend to try a visual representation of completion tactic, such as mooninmamma suggested-- marbles in a jar or the like-- to get him to keep exploring the addition more...but am I wrong to do so?  I definitely want to keep him challenged.  So is the bigger challenge getting better at the work already accessible.... or learning about something new?  

[Tjej]

Wow, it sounds like your teaching is so intentional.  That isn't bad, it's just really different from how I do it.  I love montessori principles, but found it a bit stilted to conduct in our every day life. 

Personally, not being a puritan of Montessori, I say sure, why not tell him how subtraction works?  What's the harm?  If you didn't want to explain subtraction yet,  I'd think next time something like that comes up I wouldn't even mention that the subtraction existed.  It whets his appetite and he's interested and then doesn't get to do it.  So, if you really want to keep it sequential, don't tell him what the next step might be to entice him.  It doesn't sound motivating to him, it sounds like my DH telling me I'll get a new kitchen someday... um, that's depressing actually once I realize that means it'll probably be a long time.  I'd rather be blissfully ignorant of the future and enjoy the kitchen I have now...

I would, personally, explain whatever my child was interested in unless I thought it might be damaging. 

As far as perserverance, I have found if there are a ton of things around to play with, my kids play with everything for a shorter time period and don't "finish" whatever it is.  When we have less things out and less options they are much more apt to play with the stuff for a long time and do all sorts of amazing things with them.

HTH

Tjej

[moominmamma]

I agree. Pointing out that something better and more interesting is being withheld from me while I'm doing some other work would not be motivating for me. It would make me keenly aware that someone else was controlling my learning. Being the stubbornly autonomous person that I am that realization would invite my opposition rather than my cooperation.

I would show the kid subtraction.

[mamaupupup]

First, I think you're a great Mom to have such clarity about what you're seeing/feeling/thinking!  That's awesome!

I think your children will learn so much perseverence through gymnastics!  You might want to emphasize what you're seeing there..."All that hard work you've done practicing x, y, z and all the times you tried that move and now you've done it!  What perseverence!  How do you feel?"

I agree with fewer things helps my kids focus...that said, they have access to books, music, art supplies, the whole house, dog, fish, misc. insects and reptiles, kitchen, back and front yards, etc. most of the day.  However, when fewer "toys" are out, they spend more time with plants, bugs, and random objects. 

When my kids (twin 5 yr olds) choose to be apart from each other and pursue different activities, I find that they spend a much longer time on a project than when they are together.  Any chance your kids can have some "time to themselves?"  I mean in a sort of natural way...not prescribed. 

Also, I have one child who pursues perfection--and that's a challenge too!  My other child still gets frustrated putting on socks (although she can rig a swing on her own!!!).  For things that are age appropriate and daily routine (like putting on socks), I have instituted a guideline that she must try for 5 minutes (she's 5) and if she still needs my help, I'm there to help.  1/3 the time she does it on her own, 1/3 the time her sister helps, 1/3 the time she waits for the 5 minutes are up and then I help. 

Hope these tidbits help!  Keep enjoying your kiddos!

[briansmama]

We use a program called Enki, and combo of Waldorf and Montessori methods. Ds1 is 8 and learning to play more challenging songs on his recorder. It can be tough, and for this child, most things come pretty easily to him. He would complain when it was time to bring it out, but now that he's mastered the next song, he's so proud!

My tactic has always been to schedule it in, so I'm setting the routine. And, I only schedule it 2xs per week, for about 10 min. For his age, this seems to be just right. Any more would be pushing him, and any less would deprive him of the chance to persevere.

I would say, establish the routine. First, we pull out the sensory bin, then we do handwork, etc. And keep the time brief, unless they are totally absorbed in an activity. I think it's perfectly ok to gently guide our child's learning provided we are reasonable in our expectations, taking into account their developmental abilities and needs.

[Aletheia]

Thanks for the help, everyone.  I agree- it seems silly not to have shown him the subtraction.  But the best thing to have done would have been not to have mentioned it, I think.

I really do need to get into a rhythm with homeschooling.  I am struggling to figure out how to do that.  Maybe this deserves its own post?  I love the suggestion to try to have them schooling separately- they concentrate SO much better that way- but can't see my way clear how to do it.  My 3 year old is especially bad at doing anything by himself (which I'd like to challenge him a bit with, new baby on the way and all.)