Desperate, need help/

[moon.and.yew.tree]

This may be the first time I've posted here. I can't remember. I'm desperate and I need help.

 

My mother was awful. My childhood was awful. I vowed not to recreate the dynamics of my childhood home in my own home. But like a lot of people who've made that vow, I'm afraid that's just what I've done.

 

Especially now that I have two children  -  the second one a daughter  -   I literally feel like I am my mother. Like she has taken me over, or I've traveled back in time and am living in her body. I see her when I look in the mirror. I hear her voice when I open my mouth. I don't know how much of this I'm imagining and how much is really real. But the important part is that this is making me feel an almost overwhelming self-hatred. I want to physically tear myself apart to get this woman out of me, or to get out of her, or whatever.

 

I fantasize daily about ending my own life, or running away from it. When I'm not consumed and distracted with my own self-hatred, I feel hatred for my husband. (I don't think we love each other anymore.) 

 

I sometimes feel hatred for my children, but I squash it down ruthlessly the moment I feel it. An outsider would probably say I am endlessly patient, caring, responsive and loving to my two kids. I give them everything I have to give, 24 hours a day. I don't see that as open for negotiation b/c I feel it's my duty. I don't want them to turn out like me. I find it extremely hard to keep my happy face on for them because inside I feel like I'm in effing agony. But I try soooooo hard.

 

I've been in therapy my whole adult life as part of my recovery from my traumatic effing past. I've been medicated most of my adult life for ditto. 

 

I don't have friends I can talk to about this because I don't have close friends. I don't trust people. Been that way my whole life. Comes from being abused. It sucks but I can't seem to change it. So seeking social support is not a viable option for me.

 

The only chance for help I see is finding a way to think about my life that will make it feel more bearable. Something to repeat to myself? A bit of coaching, a mantra of some kind? Specifically, I need something I can say to myself that will let me put on a believable happy face to my kids when they're awake, and act loving to their dad in front of them.

 

I can't be fixed, per se. I realize that. I need to hear something that will let me continue with my life. I'm sorry to barge in here and post this long thing without reading anybody else's stuff. I usually give more than I take. It's just that tonight it feels like an emergency, and calling 911 or driving away in my car are not options, for obvious reasons.

[moon.and.yew.tree]

I should add that this isn't the first time, or the tenth, or the hundredth, that I've been so low I've been afraid for my life. I get this way periodically  -  once every several months or so. Dysphoria. The feeling of the baby crying alone, no one picking me up. Eventually I find my way back up to baseline  -  I cry myself into a daze, or I fall asleep, or I start to believe my husband loves me or that my life will be ok.  But tonight I can't find anything to do it. 

[dioramamama]

Moon, hi -- saw this and couldn't not respond. I'm so sorry for how you're feeling. I don't have a phrase or mantra for you to hang on to. Wondering if you've talked to your therapist or doctor about this? Medication can stop working... or if it never worked, you can try different things. THis doesn't sound sustainable... you made a good choice reaching out here, and I hope someone can chime in with something more helpful than this, but I'm thinking about you, hoping you can get to baseline and find a way to get your inner life more tolerable.

[applecider]

I'm not much help, but just wanted to offer a

Sometimes, I'm in the same boat and the only thing I can figure out that works for me somewhat is to just be able to get away and be alone for awhile. Well, that and talking to a good friend but it sounds like currently you don't have that option. I'm so sorry...I hope things get better for you.

[chiefmir]

I couldn't read and not at least post a virtual hug.  I wish I had some wonderful advice to give... I second the previous poster who suggested talking to your psychiatrist or PMD about the meds.  There are so many options for tweaking dosages, adding another medication, switching all together... not that that will erase your pain, but might just give you the little leg up that you need to stay out of the horrible place you are in.

The only thing that I can think of to write is that (even without knowing any of your story) you are NOT your mother.  There may be echoes of her that you can hear in your own voice or in your thoughts, but that does NOT mean that  you are her or that you are going to become her.  You have obviously been through hell, and while that should never happen to anyone, one of the outcomes of being through fire is that you can become forged into someone who is incredibly, incredibly strong and who can bend without breaking. One of the outcomes of a being abused is the feeling of having no power and no choice... and maybe it will help to remind yourself that you DO have power, choice, and a voice.  The love and patience you show your kids is NOT just a show and is not just because you "have to", it is the best of you coming out- even when you are not sure it is there.

As an aside, I've heard before from parents who are survivors of abusive childhoods that they sometimes feel hate towards their children... at times its been because (this was their words, not mine, but I think the sentiment makes so much sense) they are JUST SO JEALOUS that their kids are having such a different experience growing up then they were able to have.  And the confused mixture of love/anger/jealousy/deep sadness feels like hatred because they just want to stop being mom for a second and push away from their own kids since being close is causing so much pain at that moment.

Don't know if anything I said helped or rang true.  Please talk to you dr about any medication tweaks.  And please keep remembering that you are doing the very best you can at every moment.  Some moments are just going to be hell, and it will be all you can do to survive through them.  But you are still doing the best you can, and still moving forward.

[kayleesmom]

sending along hugs. hope things start getting better.

[maself]

Thinking of you!  Let us know how you are doing!

[Mom31]

How are you???? 

[budwana birth]

Hi. Hugs.  I have had similar feelings.  I like the mantra "Rama."    Are you open to shamanic work?  There is some really cool healing work that can be done with a shamanic practitioner.  It sounds awful, but a shamanic dismemberment can be very healing.

Carolyn

[moon.and.yew.tree]

Everyone, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me.

Somehow I got to feeling normal again, and got caught up in the thousand tiny details of my life. Then I sank back down and again wasn't sure where to turn. I remembered posting here before and came back, only to realize I hadn't thanked you all from before or even let you know how I was doing.  

So, better but now worse again. I don't want to be a Negative Nellie and list all the reasons why this or that solution won't work for me. I know that's annoying. But of course I have plenty of those reasons. 

Can someone just wave a magic wand and magic me out of my life?

[Snapdragon]

I am waving a magic wand of love and healing for you right now!! May love and healing find their way into your heart.

[sahmof2girls]

I am so sorry that you are having such a hard time!!!!  I hope that you can find some friends here to lean on!!!!!