Feeling mean this week. Dusty left on Friday night around 11pm and came back Tuesday morning around 2a.
I did have people visit each day for a bit - Dusty's stepbrother on Saturday where I insisted on a two minute shower for myself, my friend and my mother on Sunday.. mom held him a bit, but I didn't get help with food or a shower and then mom for a bit Monday. Mom never even stays for an hour, it's usually just 20 minutes or so.
Charlie was pretty cheerful, but rarely let me put him down. If he did, I don't think it was ever for more than five minutes. At night, I'd get two or three hours straight to start and then he nursed about hourly or every two hours. The whole time.
Dusty drove 3 hours to where he was working. He got about 8 hours of non-work time - sleep, shower - Saturday night and then didn't sleep again until he was home Tuesday at 230a (he showered before sleeping.)
So he's exhausted. Last night he had work things to do and didn't get to bed until after 4a. But both nights he's been home he gets 7-8 hours sleep. I certainly don't. Each night, I've asked him only to do one diaper change around 9 or 10a so I can just get that one break from having to do all the night care. If he just did it, it would take, what? Two minutes? It's a diaper change.
He's too tired to play with the kid unless I insist or just hand him over. I haven't had alone time. Not a minute. Until today when I just announced I was taking a bath and left them.
I totally get that he is exhausted and wants to relax and recover. I get that he still has work to do.
I also know that no one else would ever do the things the way he's doing them and he REALLY doesn't have to get it done that quickly at the expense of his health and sanity. The guy he's replacing took a week to even get back to them - he certainly didn't have every little thing done same day. It is okay to sleep. It really is. They won't mind.
I also feel like I'm really not asking that much. I want some time to myself every day. I'd like a shower. Or just to sit without a baby. Or to have someone else take the screaming child away and rock them to sleep. I'd like him to do one care task at night. It's actually very rare that I ask, just when I know he's poopy. Just so I could get that last bit of sleep. If he'd change him quickly and not wait so long, Charlie wouldn't get fussy and he'd go right back to sleep. Damn it.
He said today that he feels like he's telling me I'm incompetent if he takes over when the baby is crying. This is when I've said I'm in tons of pain (I could barely walk earlier today and he knows this) and need a bath. We were both playing, I said I need a bath so I can maybe be functional. Baby starts crying. Why is that my job? Even if it's saying I'm incompetent if I'm the only dealing with him.. why was I the default to deal with it?
I'm not at all incompetent. And if he's tired, so am I. And I very much resent that he gets to say "no."
I never get to say no.
Sorry, Charlie, I see that you're hungry, but I'm tired and want to sleep. Sorry, Charlie, I'm not in the mood to hold you right now. Oh, I see that you're upset, but that's a little loud for me right now, so good luck with that!
It's not doing me a favor to parent your kid. It's not calling me incompetent to deal with one of the fits.
He's usually great about helping when asked, I've been very proud, but when I've had no break for that many days I need a little extra.
Thank you. I feel better now.