Weekly Chat Thread 10/29 - 11/5 - Page 3 « Back to Group Discussions

[Chaika]

Originally Posted by Beckily 

I'm really thinking we should buy one of those things. We just stick him in the high chair thing when he wants to sit. It works but it's attached to a chair and that's a bit to bring into the bathroom.

I have a bouncer and it's really helpful.  I put Anton in it when I take a shower or need to cook.  He doesn't like it as much as he used to, and will fuss sometimes, but often he'll just look around or play with a toy (well, hold a toy, I should say). 

Have you pointed out all of this to Dusty (your lack of sleep and time to do things)?  I often think things are obvious to my DH but have learned that they are not...or he chooses not to see them...either way, if I actually verbalize things he has to acknowledge and address them.

[earth-mama]

Originally Posted by cakemama579 

Hugs Becky.  Listen--I am as much of an AP parent as the next...I wear, and wear, and wear my babies all day long.  But something I've learned somewhere between my first and second baby is that you need to advocate for yourself.  and if dusty is going through his whole work deal and being unhelpful, feel free to be pissed about it, but then scoot the bouncy seat or vibrating chair straight into the bathroom with you, put charlie in it, and take a shower.  I only close the curtain half way so Millie can see me, and we play peek a boo and whatever.  He may cry, but he'll be ok.  he can see you, and you're talking to him, and that really is enough for the 10 or 15 minute you need to just relax.  if it becomes routine, chances are he will begin to look forward to this time and stop screaming at you.  do this for yourself--it will help I promise!

 I couldn't have said it better.  With DD I use to lay her on the floor on a blanket when I took a shower--so you don't need a bouncy seat.  We have one that DD's aunt got us when she was about 4-5 months.  I didn't use it much for her, but use is all the time for DS.  It has taken me a while to realize that DP often just needs to be informed of my needs and we are able to work out a good arrangement.  I do almost all of the night parenting, but when I need extra sleep we are able to work it out--sleeping in/going to bed early.  I almost never can take a nap these days as DD and DS rarely sleep at the same time.  Getting some time for yourself is very important--especially when both parents are stressed/busy/etc.

Carrie--DP was recently gone for about 4 days.  It was a struggle, but I found that if I planned my days well, including outdoor time and rest times for everyone that it helped a lot (nights were the hardest when we were all tired).  Recently, I have been working on creating a better daily and weekly rhythm for us (waldorf styled) and even though I haven't become consistent it is really helping us.  I get necessary stuff done around the house, DD gets more positive attention, and we have less tantrums (DD) and frustration tears (me).  What is hard right now is establishing a sustainable rhythm and changing our patterns.  Also, I just started back to work, so everyone is adjusting.

[Chaika]

I hope this won't be too much of a downer but...does anyone else feel super-sensitive to stories in the news regarding kids being mistreated?

There's this awful video in the news which I'm sure some of you have seen (if you haven't...as a warning it is very difficult to watch and could be triggering to those who have been abused) of a father beating his teenage daughter.  I'm sure things like that always upset me, but now that I'm a mom I just feel overwhelmed with anger and sadness when I see things like that.  I actually went to bed crying about it last night.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by earth-mama 
 What is hard right now is establishing a sustainable rhythm and changing our patterns. 

This!  I do try for outside time daily, as long as the weather will allow.  Days when I'm so tired from the get-go it's impossible to chug thru the day without snapping at DD at least a few times.  I have GOT to stop swearing.  She's picking up on it and I swore I'd never have a kid who cussed like a sailor.  I feel bad too b/c it's just not who I am.  I'm better than this, I just am SO TIRED.  We generally have a pattern to the day, but on days when I just can't, it is what it is.  You know?

O/T - I have this "friend" who always seems to be in competition with me.  Whenever I try to look for support for anything, she has to one up me.  It's incredibly frustrating and I feel like she tries to make her 3 year old DS out to be worse than what I deal with JUST so she can win.  For me, all I'd like is for someone to say, "hugs, it'll get better!" but she always has to top what I say.  So.  I try to go a few days w/o talking to her.  And I do.  And then she creeps back in.  And I can't stand it.  I really can't.  Plus my "bff" (who came to visit on DD's bday) is really falling off my radar (which is a good thing, b/c I was getting hurt by her far too often), but now I'm just feeling lonely.  I was going to go to LLL meeting this am, but it was SUCH a bad night I coudn't get my head around even driving anywhere.  You know?

Ugh.  Anyway, just a vent.  Thanks for reading. 

[Beckily]

Originally Posted by Chaika 

I have a bouncer and it's really helpful.  I put Anton in it when I take a shower or need to cook.  He doesn't like it as much as he used to, and will fuss sometimes, but often he'll just look around or play with a toy (well, hold a toy, I should say). 

Have you pointed out all of this to Dusty (your lack of sleep and time to do things)?  I often think things are obvious to my DH but have learned that they are not...or he chooses not to see them...either way, if I actually verbalize things he has to acknowledge and address them.

Oh yes. I'm a very good communicator just like my baby ;) He wishes I wasn't. I told him how I both totally understand and want to pamper him and NEEDABREAK.

After my bath, I felt like a new woman (The pain pill probably helped.. ;)) and was really cheerful and nice again.

I'm cranky currently because I'm completely exhausted and starving, but he doesn't know that. He should be rested up again now (he first night back, he was actually in bed for 12 hours), he got plenty of sleep last night so I'm going to talk to him about taking a morning shift now and then. Charlie doesn't normally want to eat then - you just wake up, play with him and then rock him to sleep when he starts crying. THEN he wants to eat when we wakes up. So there's no reason he can't do it.

The problem is that so many of us just -do- things. We have to be up so we're up. The baby is our baby, so we're happy and playful and the men cannot see that we're about to fall apart. I make sure to tell him every morning exactly how much sleep I got. And when he's not a slug he helps with chores and cooking and getting me food and drinks when I'm pinned under a baby. When asked :)

Thank you :)

[earth-mama]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 

This!  I do try for outside time daily, as long as the weather will allow.  Days when I'm so tired from the get-go it's impossible to chug thru the day without snapping at DD at least a few times.  I have GOT to stop swearing.  She's picking up on it and I swore I'd never have a kid who cussed like a sailor.  I feel bad too b/c it's just not who I am.  I'm better than this, I just am SO TIRED.  We generally have a pattern to the day, but on days when I just can't, it is what it is.  You know?

I totally have days like that and I snap at DD because I just can't help it.  The past 2 weeks have been rough for me sleep-wise.  DS has been nursing like 8 times or more a night, because he has a cold.  He is almost over it and I am hoping to get some better sleep.  I hope to establish a regular routine/rhythm so that on days when I am really tired (either because of one or both of the kids being up or because I am out all night for work) I will have a plan for the day and I can just go through the motions.  I find that when I am really tired I have a hard time thinking of things that will keep DD from getting herself into trouble (ie: touching our grouchy old dog), so I decided to have my days more planned out.  I have not set a regular pattern, but on days that I wake up and decide on a sort of order to the day it goes much better--not perfect, but much better   I still fall back on things like TV watching when I start to get too snappy with DD and she is also cranky--I prefer not to let her watch much (and she does better when she doesn't watch any), but sometimes I need to get things done (like make dinner).  I just wish that both children would nap at the same time.  That would be bliss!

[kylaskye]

Please tell me this is a growth spurt, or a developmental stage or something.. 

Liam's fussing and won't. go. to. sleep. 

He's absolutely refusing to nap, though I know he is tired. He'll fall asleep for 2 minutes then wake up and fuss. He'll cry, refuse the breast, I'll change his diaper even though it's dry... I don't know what to do. He's just switching to a napping/awake schedule... Is that it?

[SouthernStormy]

Magnolias been crazy the past few days. I finally laid her on her stomach and she went to sleep. I know thats a "no no", but I couldn't handle the screaming anymore and thats the only way I can get her to settle. I pretty much stay right beside her and check on her every few mins if shes laid on her tummy.

[bethany42309]

Becky - I feel the same way some days.  I hope things get better for you soon.

 

Originally Posted by Chaika 

I hope this won't be too much of a downer but...does anyone else feel super-sensitive to stories in the news regarding kids being mistreated?

There's this awful video in the news which I'm sure some of you have seen (if you haven't...as a warning it is very difficult to watch and could be triggering to those who have been abused) of a father beating his teenage daughter.  I'm sure things like that always upset me, but now that I'm a mom I just feel overwhelmed with anger and sadness when I see things like that.  I actually went to bed crying about it last night.

Yes!  Been that way since I had DD1.  There was a story on the news recently about a Texas woman that super glued her 2 yo daughters hands to the wall and beat her.  That story bout killed me!  Some people are just sick.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by SouthernStormy 

Magnolias been crazy the past few days. I finally laid her on her stomach and she went to sleep. I know thats a "no no", but I couldn't handle the screaming anymore and thats the only way I can get her to settle. I pretty much stay right beside her and check on her every few mins if shes laid on her tummy.

Hon, don't sweat the tummy sleeping.  Babies sleep so well on their tummies!  Both mine are great tummy sleepers, it's ok.  Finn takes at least 2 short naps on his tummy daily.
 

Originally Posted by kylaskye 

Please tell me this is a growth spurt, or a developmental stage or something.. 

Liam's fussing and won't. go. to. sleep. 

He's absolutely refusing to nap, though I know he is tired. He'll fall asleep for 2 minutes then wake up and fuss. He'll cry, refuse the breast, I'll change his diaper even though it's dry... I don't know what to do. He's just switching to a napping/awake schedule... Is that it?

Yep.  It's a phase.  I don't remember how old Liam is, but Finn is just shy of 12 weeks.  He did that for quite a few days, and then BOOM.  He's grabbing for and playing with toys.  I seriously cannot BELIEVE it.

Originally Posted by bethany42309 

Yes!  Been that way since I had DD1.  There was a story on the news recently about a Texas woman that super glued her 2 yo daughters hands to the wall and beat her.  That story bout killed me!  Some people are just sick.

 OMG.  That is heartbreaking!  I remember having nightmares for weeks after reading a blog/article about parents who accidentally leave their babies in cars.  I can't even think about it and I won't retell any of the stories.  It's something that happens when you become a parent, I think.  You just cannot believe how other people can DO such things!!
 

[Beckily]

Charlie's 11.5 weeks and doing the screaming, not sleeping thing, too. Nursing is touch and go, mostly a no, but sometimes a vague yes. This surely must be a short phase.

[kylaskye]

Carrie, he's 9 and a half weeks right now.. I think. I'm busy losing track of time.  He hasn't been grabbing or "playing" with toys yet, but he'll hold onto my hand and he's looking more interested. That's probably what it is, I was just looking for some reassurance before I go crazy. 

[Tear78]

DD is having a growth spurt, too (she'll be 16 weeks tomorrow). She hardly slept at ALL the past 24 hours, and she wanted to be on my boobs almost the entire time. I though she was just having a fussy night, but this morning at 3AM I realized with certainty what was going on and camped out with her on the reclining couch. She latched and I fell asleep reading. I woke up about an hour and a half later and she was still sucking!!! Every time she drifted off to sleep and I set her in bed: BING! Wide open eyes and a big smile: play with me! This morning at 6:30 I finally crept into bed with her and snuggled her up with her binky in her mouth and she fell asleep for a couple hours. But all day long it was the same story, maybe a couple hours of snuggly sleep in bed. Poor thing was SO tired tonight. We did our bedtime routine and I put her in bed, and since then not a peep. It's been a half hour, so we'll see. The amazing thing was that after she finally slept for a couple hours this morning, we put her in her bouncy chair and the next time we looked over she was holding her dangling toy in both hands and studying it. I swear she made that developmental leap overnight with all the nursing. wow! Cool. Hopefully she'll start putting on the pounds now, too. Still a source of stress here, though the ped says don't sweat it.

Question, though: I go back to work in a week and a half () and I've been stressing: what happens if she has a growth spurt and I'm at work? I can't possibly provide enough milk for her to bottle-feed all day long with DH like she nurses with me! And will my BBs get enough stimulation? I'm really glad this happened this week and not in two weeks.

[Baby_Cakes]

Originally Posted by Tear78 

Question, though: I go back to work in a week and a half () and I've been stressing: what happens if she has a growth spurt and I'm at work? I can't possibly provide enough milk for her to bottle-feed all day long with DH like she nurses with me! And will my BBs get enough stimulation? I'm really glad this happened this week and not in two weeks.

Don't sweat this either!  Just continue to let her nurse on demand at night and when you're together, and things will even out.  Chances are she'll reverse cycle for a bit, and then do it again every now and then.  Keep you on your toes.   Plus, if you can't keep up with her demand during the work-week, there are PLENTY of things you can do.  Cross that bridge if it comes, ok?  Don't worry now.

[cakemama579]

Ugh, mamas I am so flustered and need help.  I feel like I'm beating a dead horse here, but I'm having the hardest time with this whole finding a nanny thing.. and DH and I are starting to argue about it big time which isn't good..  here's whats up-- please tell me if I am totally being nuts here!

I'm going back to school in January.  We thought we'd found a nanny-- she's a doula, an infant massage therapist, and totally AP friendly.  She isn't a nanny, but saw an ad I posted and thought she'd help.  She has 3 boys between the ages of 9 and 14 that she homeschools.  DH trusts her.  I'm having a harder time.  I don't know what it is-- I like her a lot, but feel like she's doing us a favor, and it makes me insecure.  I want to know her boys because they will be around my little girl all the time.  This might sound totally sexist, but I can't shake the feeling that there should be a red flag here-- maybe the boys are total angels, but some boys can do weird things, ykwim?  And I feel like it is intrusive on this lady to continuously try to get together, to meet the boys, to spend time with them, etc.  I feel like a nag because there have been continued rainchecks on her part; illness, something comes up, etc.  I think she's still interested, but I also think she has a lot on her plate-- makes me worry that she won't have her attention exclusively on my DD.  And it is always me that sends the email trying to set up a meeting.  Is it absurd to want to meet like once a week?  Idk, I feel like if I had known her before hand, or if someone I trust had referred her to me I wouldn't have to be spending so much time making sure she'll treat my DD well.

DH thinks that I will never find someone I completely trust so therefore I'm being rediculous-- especially the part about worrying about the boys.  I find it infuriating.  He gets in my face, demanding that I explain my rationale..  I suppose that's reasonable, but how can I explain to him that I'm just insecure?  That the fact that I have to make such a tremendous effort to get to know her makes me feel like she's not proving that her boys are NOT conniving, evil little creatures set out to do no good..

So I put an ad on care.com, and contacted an in-home caregiver, and am looking around.  But now I feel like such a jerk b/c I feel like I am betraying the lady we've been talking to.  Why do I create such dramas?  Is it pointless?  Should I go with the first lady--is DH right in that I will never trust anyone so I am just searching for anything?  grasping at straws?  I am so anxious at this point that I don't trust myself anymore, and don't know if my emotions are justified or if I am truly being silly.  help!

[earth-mama]

Cakemama:  I am sure the the boys are fine; I wouldn't worry just because they are boys.  However, I would be bit bothered by the potential nanny alway rainchecking times when you plan to get together.  I do think it is important to get to know the person who will be caring for your child and for your child to get to know her too.  My mom is caring for DS and she even made time to hang out with us prior to being on her own with him.  This was primarily so he could get use to her and also so she could get a feel for his needs/routines.  I don't think it is a bad idea to interview and meet with other potential caregivers.  It will give you some perspective on what you may or may not want.  Also, how often and for how long to you anticipate your daughter needing to be cared for.  I ask because I personally think it makes a difference in what you are willing to tolerate.  For example: if DS needed to be in full-time care I would want someone who would care for him in a very similar manner to myself--for shorter periods of time this would not be as big a concern.  Also, I would want to make sure the care provider really had the time/energy to care for my child the way I think they should be cared for.  This would be my concern with someone who has 3 children at home, even if they are older--since they are older it may not be a big deal at all and she could devote time to your daughter.

[Peony]

I've only read Cakemams's post. If you are trying to get everyone together, her, you, and her 3 boys weekly then I'm not surprised that she keeps putting it off. Just as a mom to 4 myself, I never really understood just how insanely busy you can get until my kids started getting older! I'm obviously just talking about my family but trying to get all the kid's schedules to aline to do something like that would be insane. Even if she homeschools, they probably do school work during daytime and then in the afternoon do activities, etc... And yes, illness happens a lot in winter months especially in larger families just because by the time one bug travels through the entire family, another kid brings a different one home it seems. You would have that issue just about anywhere, centers or in home persons with kids. Our nanny has no children but is still frequently ill because she gets everything my kids get. Once a week does seem like quite the commitment two months before the real job would start, are you paying her for this time? I have to say I'll lean towards the side of your DH about the boys. I don't think it is up to the mom/potential nanny to prove that her boys are excellent characters but rather would be questioning why you have those feelings with nothing to back them up. A person is can have what ever feeling they have but it sounds like this arrangement would be out of your comfort zone and maybe it is for the best you are looking elsewhere. 

I can say that leaving your child can be heart wrenching and sometimes no one can be good enough in our minds because they are not you. They will not do everything exactly the way you would. And our own anxiety about it can make it seem worse then it is. Trust your gut about caregivers/arrangements, our logical brain can over think things.   Our current nanny came off of care.com and she is great. Just keep looking and see what else it is out, you have time on your side. m

[cakemama579]

Earthmama and Peony, thanks.  I think I'm going to interview a couple more people jut to put things in perspective.  I'm so over-thinking this! Peony, thanks for putting it in perspective from someone that has multiple children...you're right I've been expecting too much from her-- I'm just such a nervous nelly!  and my feelings about the boys is totally unjustified--I just start to have irrational thoughts when I'm afraid of this transition and having anxiety about leaving my dd.  I thought it would be easier the second time around!  

I sent an email to her kind of letting her know that I was feeling like I was imposing on her and her family by my persistence to get together with her, but that I really needed to meet her boys (even if not all together at the same time) and feel like her family is an extension of my family.  mostly because she doesnt come with any references of people I know, etc.  hopefully she doesnt think that I'm a total freak of nature, type A person.lol

argh.   

[Tear78]

Originally Posted by Baby_Cakes 



Don't sweat this either!  Just continue to let her nurse on demand at night and when you're together, and things will even out.  Chances are she'll reverse cycle for a bit, and then do it again every now and then.  Keep you on your toes.   Plus, if you can't keep up with her demand during the work-week, there are PLENTY of things you can do.  Cross that bridge if it comes, ok?  Don't worry now.

Thanks, Carrie! What are those things I can do? I already feel like keeping up with her demand is hard. And I like to know just in case, kwim? Thanks!

eta - Cakemama, I don't think you're being type A about this at all! OK, I'm a first-time mama and maybe I'll become more comfortable later, and all that, but I would have a problem with a caregiver putting off appointments with me before they even "have the job." Also, I would be nervous that this person isn't a nanny and didn't come with recommendations. She may be lovely, but I'd like to know more about her and see how she interacts with my child. The fact that it is a family, and not a daycare center, would make me feel inclined to get to know the other kids as they will probably be drawn to your LO and want to interact with her. Plus, no matter how much she wants to care for your baby, her boys will have higher priority in her eyes I think. Mama, if your gut says this feels wrong, I think you should trust it. Just my 2c. I'm glad you'll be interviewing other people.
Edited by Tear78 - 11/4/11 at 7:28am

[Baby_Cakes]

You can pump more often! Add an extra session in.  Pump before you leave in the morning.  Pump even on days off (I advise to do this anyway, b/c you'll help build your stash as well as keep that "extra feeding" programmed into your boobs).  I used More Milk Plus tincture with great success.  Eat oatmeal every day.  Relax.  Take pictures with you of your baby to look at while pumping.  Those are just the things that worked for me.  And above all else, nurse on cue when you're together.  It'll really, really help!!