Hi, everyone- I'm the mother of two fraternal twin girls, 6 weeks old, and a lovely boy who just turned 3. I worked part-time with my son but have recently stopped working to stay home with everyone. My son is in preschool 3 days a week (currently the 3 days I worked before, so he's still going there all day at this point). We hope to transition him back to half-days very soon since we've given up one income so I can stay home.
I'm feeling like I'm not any good at this. I always thought of myself as a good mother before - creative, fun, and kind, and I had a great relationship with my son. We bonded quickly and have always been close. Now I look at these two red, screaming girls and feel mostly frustrated that they need so much...which is terrible! I feel so guilty about it. After all, it isn't their fault that they are newborns or that there are two of them or that there is already a needy preschooler in the house.
I was on bed rest all summer, so I have relaxed a lot in my standards about housekeeping...but seriously, the trash has to be taken out at some point, and we do need clean(ish) clothes to wear and food to eat (and dishes to eat it from). There are minimum standards that have to be met. I relied so much on help over the summer when I couldn't get up for 12 weeks - now that I'm up and around, I hate to keep asking the same people to come help me. Also, I think people generally assume I have it together (because I almost always have it together...just not lately).
I'm exhausted. My husband and I split up the nights so that I could get one longer chunk of sleep - he takes the girls from about 8pm - midnight and feeds them expressed milk that I pump during the day. I have kind of figured out the tandem nursing thing, but it usually results in pretty sore nipples since their latch isn't as good that way. I feel like I nurse all the time all day long, and one of my daughters spits up multiple times after every feeding, so I am always changing her clothes (which she hates, so she screams more). I didn't feel so aggravated and frustrated when my son cried, and I'm afraid it means I'm not doing a good job bonding with the girls. They mostly just make me tired. Sometimes I can't even figure out why they are crying or what they want from me.
I know that it's supposed to get easier. but I'm wondering how I'm going to make it until it does. My son isn't even here right now, and I'm having trouble coping. My mom had been coming up to help us out on the two days my husband is working and my son isn't at preschool/day care, but this is the first week she won't be coming. I don't feel at all ready or able to handle all three of them on my own.
besides, someone (me) is supposed to figure out what we are going to have for dinner this week, pay the bills, wash clothes, etc.
Most days I can't even get a long enough break to take a shower. Right now, both girls are yelling in the crib while I'm typing this. I'm struggling not to feel irritated at them. I just want to go outside by myself, walk to the end of the driveway, start running and not come back for a long time.
I'm sorry for being so negative. I just feel awful.
Can someone tell me that there's light at the end of what feels like an endless tunnel? and is there anything I can do in the meantime to feel better? I feel like I'm failing everyone, especially the babies and my son. They deserve way better than I'm giving right now.