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Inlaws got her a Hello Kitty laptop for christmas - Page 3

post #41 of 78

AverysMomma thumb.gif

I agree with what you said

post #42 of 78
Thread Starter 

AverysMomma: Wow. You put it into words. And that is exactly how I am feeling. And thank you for telling me that I am not a weird person because of it. I love your post! DD will not get/keep the laptop. 

 

I just a couple of hours ago I had a talk with DH, telling him that I am willing to let it go, but he told me that he is not. He basically told me the things you just said, we are the persons making the decisions for our child, and we are responsible. 

 

He will tell them to get rid of the laptop and encourage them to get the stroller instead. Same price class, and I guess you could even get it with HK on it :). 

 

Imakcerka: orngbiggrin.gif (there is this saying though: Be careful what you wish for, you could actually get it!) - I so don´t want a pony! 

post #43 of 78

Averysmama, I see your point, when it comes to your/our own consumption.

 

To be honest, I often think about the hidden costs for a lot of the products that make their way into our homes, including the computers each of us are working on. The natural resources they use, the people that were exploited to extract those resources, etc etc. So we're all pretty guilty, unfortunately. I try to make good choices, by and large.

 

But back to my point, we can control what we do with our money, but I don't think we should extend that to others.

I'm a vegetarian, but I think you should eat what you want. I would resent someone telling me how to spend my money.

 

But gift giving is cultural, and maybe others feel differently. I am of the thought that you graciously accept, and that's it.

 One parenting  moment that made me *really* proud was when a boy at my sons birthday party gave my son Costco-style grey socks (3 pairs) and a white t-shirt for his 7th birthday - kind of strange. The family is not poorly off, and I really like them. Maybe a cultural thing, who knows.

Anyhow, my son didn't miss a beat, he said, Wow, that's great! I really like these socks and shirt, thanks J! I'm going to wear them to school.

 

 

 

OP, I'm sorry your in-laws were crappy to you, I hope things look up, and I still think you should take the high road - thank them graciously and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

post #44 of 78

I haven't read through the thread, but I would find it incredibly harsh for your daughter to be given a toy and then not allowed to play with it because you think it is cheap plastic rubbish.  Even at MDC, do you realize how that sounds?  The toy has already been purchased.  You already have a less than great relationship with your in-laws.  Is a cheap plastic toy really something you want to rock the boat over?  At best, you will come off as ungrateful and snobby to your in-laws.  Your daughter is going to be disappointed and confused.  I wouldn't go there.  It just isn't worth it.  (And this is coming from someone whose kid also got a cheap rubbish computer from grandparents who I can't stand last year too...and I am just as sick of the plastic toys). 

post #45 of 78



 

Quote:
Originally Posted by Drummer's Wife View Post

Me, too. 

 

People love to complain about being burdened by holiday gifts. GIFTS! It's like some entitled first world problem. 

 

Be grateful you have people in your life who want to celebrate you and your children.  They aren't out to 'get you' or inconvenience you or destroy your parenting values.   And, even if that is their true intention, don't let someone else's actions bother you and define you in a way that causes you stress! Just say a gracious thank you and move on. 

 

I promise, in the grand scheme of life these little things like a pink toy laptop at age 5 are not going to be a big deal at all.  It's easy to think so when your kids are still little, but Barbie dolls or flashing toys are not going to ruin the person you are raising. In fact, they just might bring joy to your little one and strengthen family bonds. 


Me three!!!!  How many of these threads have we had already and it is the first week of November.

post #46 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post


 

So you want your children to never have screen time at any age, even though you are currently using screen time to help you get through pregnancy and your DH isn't on the same page at all as you?

 

I think you have really high ideals that aren't realistic, and that keeping them so high, trying to be such a purist, is only making you unhappy.

 

I'd let her have it and have fun with it. Once the new wears off, I'd get rid of it. This is really, really not a hill to die on. Let the grandparents enjoy their grandchild on Christmas day. It isn't going to destroy her brain. Grandparents watching their grandchild smile and be happy and get fussed over isn't like doing drugs. Not even a little bit. People having fun with each other is good thing, not a bad thing.

 

Making war with your in-laws, on the other hand, is a bad thing.

 

 


I agree. 

 

post #47 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post

Who the hell here has a right to tell the OP that her desire to keep her kids faces out of screens is stupid?? Because that's basically what you people are saying. "It's stupid, not a hill to die on, let it go" - are you people feeling okay?


 

 

 



I feel like your post is a direct response to mine, but I would have preferred you had actually quoted what I said and then responded to it, rather than adding words I didn't use, wouldn't ever use, and that don't represent how I think.

 

I don't think it is the hill to die on. I also don't think the OPer is stupid. There is a massive difference.  I think she sounds tired, stressed out, and at the end of her tether with her inlaws.
 

You are just venting and swearing. You aren't actually engaging in a dialogue about how to teach our values to kids WHILE getting along with other people in our kids' lives, which is a pretty complex issue.

 

 

post #48 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by daisymama12 View Post

Averysmama, I see your point, when it comes to your/our own consumption.

 

To be honest, I often think about the hidden costs for a lot of the products that make their way into our homes, including the computers each of us are working on. The natural resources they use, the people that were exploited to extract those resources, etc etc. So we're all pretty guilty, unfortunately. I try to make good choices, by and large.

 

But back to my point, we can control what we do with our money, but I don't think we should extend that to others.

I'm a vegetarian, but I think you should eat what you want. I would resent someone telling me how to spend my money.

 

But gift giving is cultural, and maybe others feel differently. I am of the thought that you graciously accept, and that's it.

 One parenting  moment that made me *really* proud was when a boy at my sons birthday party gave my son Costco-style grey socks (3 pairs) and a white t-shirt for his 7th birthday - kind of strange. The family is not poorly off, and I really like them. Maybe a cultural thing, who knows.

Anyhow, my son didn't miss a beat, he said, Wow, that's great! I really like these socks and shirt, thanks J! I'm going to wear them to school.

 

 

 

OP, I'm sorry your in-laws were crappy to you, I hope things look up, and I still think you should take the high road - thank them graciously and move on.

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

I see what you are trying to say. You are a vegetarian....but you support my right to spend my money on meat.

 

Do you support my right to spend my money on meat for your children? I bet you don't. Or maybe you do. But the bottom line is, it's not for me to say. It's for you to say. We're not talking about a bowl of soup with chicken broth in it. We're talking, I want to buy your kids some McDonalds chicken nuggets and an Arbys beef sandwhich. Oh, and some pork rinds too. <----- that's the way I see the HK computer. It's not "sort of yuck", it's basically the epitome of everything I'm trying to avoid with my kids at this age. I feel like a parent has a right to make a stink about something which COMPLETELY flies in the face of their belief system. You've got to draw a line SOMEWHERE, right? If not, why do we even sit around and try and think about the way we want to live, or why we want to live that way. Values, mean it's important to you, the things you value....it's something that you would like to be able to say about yourself, about your family....a basic, underlying mission statement.

 

There are a few basic things I believe are important for my family, things I would like to be able to say about us. What we eat, watch and believe in are very important to me. Slip ups, lazy days and well meaning relatives feeding them yucky (delicious!) food with terrifying ingredients are tolerated. I'm not a control freak with my kids. I'm not going to freak out if I return from an afternoon off to find that Nonnie is letting them watch a video she dug out of storage from when her kids were little. That's all cool with me, because everyone in my life is so respectful of the reasons why we are the way we are. The general rules of my house are what they are....and I'm doing my kids a favor by living the way I live and insisting upon the things that I do. I believe that much of the cultural illness in the world springs from a few places...and I'm trying to mold a perspective for my kids, which will allow them true vision in deciding how they want to live later on. I don't demonize things, we just don't talk about certain things. I don't go around blasting how other people live....we just LIVE the way we do and respect other peoples differences. When my children are old enough for me to really start introducing topics of conversation about the way other people live, what modern day slavery looks like and what consumerism is, etc....I want to be able to have a conversation that does not entail a whole lot of "explaining away" and "apologizing for" certain things about our own lifestyle which obviously clash with the idea that we don't want to be a part of that chain of slavery and consumerism.

 

As for us all being guilty, re: supporting slave labor. Yeah. For the most part, in some way, we are all a part of that chain no matter how hard we try to break free and we all share some guilt in the ways of the world....but I think that if you are doing the best you can and remain conscious and talk to people and your kids about it, you shouldn't walk around feeling *responsible*.

 

We just stopped buying things new. A long time ago...just stopped. This is something I grew up with, owning most things second hand, and so it's not really hard for me to do now. This day and age is perfect for people like us because of the growing rise in consignment galleries and freecyclers and things of that nature mean that there is never a short supply of second hand items in like new condition for you to buy at really great prices. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times my DD/DS has put on a piece of clothing that was brand new. One hand. Five times or less, this has happened. But they wear great clothes...Hannah Anderson, Gymboree, Baby Gap, etc. People are all the time remarking that I must spend a fortune for the great quality, beautiful clothing they wear. But it costs me next to nothing because it's all from our favorite consignment shop (which is SO awesome and crunchy and sells cloth diapers and great stuff for moms and babies through teen agers!) or it's from one of the clothing swaps I go to and the best part is, after it is gently worn, I can either bring it back and consign it (if it's in newish condition) for money on my account at the consignment store or I bring it to the clothing swaps. I don't have giant bins of clothing hanging around and the things I trade in, go toward buying their new clothes. I spend practically NOTHING.

 

We don't buy anything new though....home goods, office supplies, clothes...there is honestly almost NOTHING that is new. It is one of my main goals in everything I do, to avoid directly giving money to the companies which support the slave industry abroad. I won't put that crap on my kids...I can't even bear to think of them wearing a garment that was made by a woman whose own children are wearing rags. Can't do it. I say prayers for those mothers and I spend my time looking for ways to NOT buy the things they make directly from the companies that have them made. I take voting with my dollars extremely seriously. My computer was bought for me new. That made me sad. But it was a gift and one I use for working.

 

But, looking around my house, my soul is light for two reasons: One, almost NOTHING here, in my whole house, was bought new and Two, my house is not overflowing with useless shit. I don't have things I don't need and I make it a point to really be sure about what I think I need before I try to find it.

 

 

post #49 of 78

Puke.  Really.  I cannot believe the crap I'm reading on this thread.  Absolutely shameful.

 

I never enjoyed the stuff my MIL would buy for my kids because I would have spent the $ differently.  I never ever told her how I felt and never ever took any of the things from my children.  What the heck happened to "it's the thought that counts"?  YK what?  After watching my MIL die from choking I sure wish she were here to buy them some more crap.  I guess people just don't get how precious just HAVING these people in your life to buy that crap is.  I'm seeing very darkened hearts here. 

post #50 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by daisymama12 View Post

 One parenting  moment that made me *really* proud was when a boy at my sons birthday party gave my son Costco-style grey socks (3 pairs) and a white t-shirt for his 7th birthday - kind of strange. The family is not poorly off, and I really like them. Maybe a cultural thing, who knows.

Anyhow, my son didn't miss a beat, he said, Wow, that's great! I really like these socks and shirt, thanks J! I'm going to wear them to school.

 

 



I think this is wonderful. He may not have wanted the socks and shirt but he responded politely and I'm sure he will find a way to make use of it. This is what we should be teaching our children. I had a neighbor once who would always buy my dd a Bratz doll. I can't stand Bratz dolls and my dd knew she wasn't allowed to have it but we accepted it graciously and said thank you. We have donated the toys to a children's home and then I let my dd pick out different toy at the store in exchange. With ILS it's a little more complicated b/c they are family. If it were me I would either have them keep the toy at their home for when the child visited, or allow your child to use it during the short period of time that you are allowing screen time. 

post #51 of 78

Maybe this might be hard for some who don't have others in their lives that even consider the kids at all.   It's almost like thanks for thinking of us but not good enough because you didn't follow my rules.  Go back and redo it!   Either way if they know you don't want something in your house and it's really against your wishes I suppose there is no wrong in letting them know. 

post #52 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Linda on the move View Post



I feel like your post is a direct response to mine, but I would have preferred you had actually quoted what I said and then responded to it, rather than adding words I didn't use, wouldn't ever use, and that don't represent how I think.

 

I don't think it is the hill to die on. I also don't think the OPer is stupid. There is a massive difference.  I think she sounds tired, stressed out, and at the end of her tether with her inlaws.
 

You are just venting and swearing. You aren't actually engaging in a dialogue about how to teach our values to kids WHILE getting along with other people in our kids' lives, which is a pretty complex issue.

 

 

I really wasn't aiming anything directly at you at all...I'm sorry you are feeling so defensive today, it must be "all that wild swearing" I was doing. I would hope you'd know that if I had a bone to pick with you I would quote you...kind of like I'm doing right now.

 

As for the bolded, I was actually engaging in a dialogue about how the OP has a right as a parent to outline certain goals and missions for her family...certain values that guide the choices they make for their kids. Again, we're not talking about a 13 child...we're talking about a five year old, a practical baby. If you were able to wade through to atrocious language I used and get past the offensiveness of my post...I'm sure you noticed that I told her to accept the gift, request that it be a special toy that the DD plays with while at their house (she could even say something along the lines of "oh, I'm just afraid it would be ruined at our home!") and at a later date, casually reiterate the values and ideals that the OP is striving for with her kids...while remaining gracious and appreciative of the thought and time that went into picking out the gift.Getting along with other people in our kids lives, while maintaining the values that are important to us, IS a complex issue. But like any relationship, the one with her ILs is a two way street. They are, on a constant basis, undermining the values of the OPs household and mocking the ways in which they have chosen to live. Past a certain point, what is the OP to do? What hill IS a hill to die on?

 

Again...the point is not whether or not HK is bad news...it's about the ILs constantly dismissing and undermining her values...and now, doing it AGAIN with something that is not a "minor" undermining of their families stated values. I find the "Band of Eye Rollers" swooping in to tell her that her values aren't important enough to try and enforce when they are being mocked repeatedly to be just as dismissive and, quite frankly, I was especially offended when, right on the OPs very thread, sarcastic comments about "oh geez, guess it's THAT time of year again, I guess we're going to have to start wading through these kinds of posts again" (:eyeroll: :eyeroll: :smug high fives all around:) were posted. That's really rude. Possibly even more rude than my vile, over the top, hard to wade through obscene language.

 

 

Hey, I have a helpful tip for those of you who are "so disgusted" with "these kinds of posts" every year.....why don't you stop reading and responding to "these kinds" of posts?? Seriously, Merry Christmas, my gift to you this year is not having to "suffer through" all of these dumb posts about people who are overwhelmed with the complex family dynamics that come along with gift giving and small children and ILs who don't see eye to eye with your parenting philosophies. <---- Oh, what, that's an unwanted gift?? Too bad. ;)


 

 

post #53 of 78

I think all gifts should be accepted with a thank you.  I don't love every gift my children are given, but I certainly don't take it away from my happy kid and tell them how inappropriate it is and then donate it.  Talk with your inlaws and explain why you prefer one type of toy over another if you want.  I totally see this as the kid wants a particular item and Grandma and Grandpa give it to her.  Sounds pretty normal to me.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by montessorimama1 View Post

 

OP - No 5 yr old will benefit from a computer; children at that age require tangible experiences with toys that support their developmental needs.  Children learn through movement, through using their hands, through stimulation of the senses in real world experiences... I would explain to your MIL that while the thought is a lovely one, and certainly in the future a computer will be a valuable asset, at this point you would like your daughter's development to be respected.  Then, suggest other things that your daughter has expressed interest in, which will give her more opportunities for creative, non-judgmemental, and non-electronic play.


Many 5 year olds benefit from computer time.  My kid's favorite part of school?  The 15 minutes a day he spends practicing letter on the computer.
 

 



Quote:
Originally Posted by Chicky2 View Post

Puke.  Really.  I cannot believe the crap I'm reading on this thread.  Absolutely shameful.

 

I never enjoyed the stuff my MIL would buy for my kids because I would have spent the $ differently.  I never ever told her how I felt and never ever took any of the things from my children.  What the heck happened to "it's the thought that counts"?  YK what?  After watching my MIL die from choking I sure wish she were here to buy them some more crap.  I guess people just don't get how precious just HAVING these people in your life to buy that crap is.  I'm seeing very darkened hearts here. 



Very true.  If some posters want to end their child's relationship with their grandparents over buying toys with batteries, that's just sad.  I think teaching your children to accept gifts with grace is infinitely more important than teaching them to reject gifts because they're exactly the right one.  Teaching them, by example, your values will go much further than simply sheltering them from everything in the world that you don't want them exposed to.  (I find it hilarious that so many posters in this thread claim to limit screen time while they're sitting on their own computers.  Wonder why your kid wants a laptop?)

 

post #54 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post


 

I see what you are trying to say. You are a vegetarian....but you support my right to spend my money on meat.

 

Do you support my right to spend my money on meat for your children? I bet you don't. Or maybe you do. But the bottom line is, it's not for me to say. It's for you to say. We're not talking about a bowl of soup with chicken broth in it. We're talking, I want to buy your kids some McDonalds chicken nuggets and an Arbys beef sandwhich. Oh, and some pork rinds too. <----- that's the way I see the HK computer. It's not "sort of yuck", it's basically the epitome of everything I'm trying to avoid with my kids at this age. I feel like a parent has a right to make a stink about something which COMPLETELY flies in the face of their belief system. You've got to draw a line SOMEWHERE, right? If not, why do we even sit around and try and think about the way we want to live, or why we want to live that way. Values, mean it's important to you, the things you value....it's something that you would like to be able to say about yourself, about your family....a basic, underlying mission statement.

 

There are a few basic things I believe are important for my family, things I would like to be able to say about us. What we eat, watch and believe in are very important to me. Slip ups, lazy days and well meaning relatives feeding them yucky (delicious!) food with terrifying ingredients are tolerated. I'm not a control freak with my kids. I'm not going to freak out if I return from an afternoon off to find that Nonnie is letting them watch a video she dug out of storage from when her kids were little. That's all cool with me, because everyone in my life is so respectful of the reasons why we are the way we are. The general rules of my house are what they are....and I'm doing my kids a favor by living the way I live and insisting upon the things that I do. I believe that much of the cultural illness in the world springs from a few places...and I'm trying to mold a perspective for my kids, which will allow them true vision in deciding how they want to live later on. I don't demonize things, we just don't talk about certain things. I don't go around blasting how other people live....we just LIVE the way we do and respect other peoples differences. When my children are old enough for me to really start introducing topics of conversation about the way other people live, what modern day slavery looks like and what consumerism is, etc....I want to be able to have a conversation that does not entail a whole lot of "explaining away" and "apologizing for" certain things about our own lifestyle which obviously clash with the idea that we don't want to be a part of that chain of slavery and consumerism.

 

As for us all being guilty, re: supporting slave labor. Yeah. For the most part, in some way, we are all a part of that chain no matter how hard we try to break free and we all share some guilt in the ways of the world....but I think that if you are doing the best you can and remain conscious and talk to people and your kids about it, you shouldn't walk around feeling *responsible*.

 

We just stopped buying things new. A long time ago...just stopped. This is something I grew up with, owning most things second hand, and so it's not really hard for me to do now. This day and age is perfect for people like us because of the growing rise in consignment galleries and freecyclers and things of that nature mean that there is never a short supply of second hand items in like new condition for you to buy at really great prices. I can honestly count on one hand the number of times my DD/DS has put on a piece of clothing that was brand new. One hand. Five times or less, this has happened. But they wear great clothes...Hannah Anderson, Gymboree, Baby Gap, etc. People are all the time remarking that I must spend a fortune for the great quality, beautiful clothing they wear. But it costs me next to nothing because it's all from our favorite consignment shop (which is SO awesome and crunchy and sells cloth diapers and great stuff for moms and babies through teen agers!) or it's from one of the clothing swaps I go to and the best part is, after it is gently worn, I can either bring it back and consign it (if it's in newish condition) for money on my account at the consignment store or I bring it to the clothing swaps. I don't have giant bins of clothing hanging around and the things I trade in, go toward buying their new clothes. I spend practically NOTHING.

 

We don't buy anything new though....home goods, office supplies, clothes...there is honestly almost NOTHING that is new. It is one of my main goals in everything I do, to avoid directly giving money to the companies which support the slave industry abroad. I won't put that crap on my kids...I can't even bear to think of them wearing a garment that was made by a woman whose own children are wearing rags. Can't do it. I say prayers for those mothers and I spend my time looking for ways to NOT buy the things they make directly from the companies that have them made. I take voting with my dollars extremely seriously. My computer was bought for me new. That made me sad. But it was a gift and one I use for working.

 

But, looking around my house, my soul is light for two reasons: One, almost NOTHING here, in my whole house, was bought new and Two, my house is not overflowing with useless shit. I don't have things I don't need and I make it a point to really be sure about what I think I need before I try to find it.

 

 

 

I think it's great that you don't buy anything new, and I think we should all move towards that.

 

In my first post on this thread, I wrote that my parents did feed my kids meat when they were little, and not even remotely organic - cold cuts, salami, grocery store meat, etc. 

I don't think it's great, but I balanced a good relationship against those occasional meat-feasts and decided it wasn't a battle I would choose.

My parents are old, and they love my kids, and feed them when they take care of them. I thought it would be overbearing and ungrateful to dictate what they should eat, especially since everyone was happy (except me - as I said, I don't love the idea of them eating meat).

 

I'm seriously not trying to be rude here, but do you see irony regarding you accepting the new laptop gift but denying it to your daughter? 

 

 

post #55 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by daisymama12 View Post

 

I think it's great that you don't buy anything new, and I think we should all move towards that.

 

In my first post on this thread, I wrote that my parents did feed my kids meat when they were little, and not even remotely organic - cold cuts, salami, grocery store meat, etc. 

I don't think it's great, but I balanced a good relationship against those occasional meat-feasts and decided it wasn't a battle I would choose.

My parents are old, and they love my kids, and feed them when they take care of them. I thought it would be overbearing and ungrateful to dictate what they should eat, especially since everyone was happy (except me - as I said, I don't love the idea of them eating meat).

 

I'm seriously not trying to be rude here, but do you see irony regarding you accepting the new laptop gift but denying it to your daughter? 

 

 


No. It's not the same thing.(and I'm not feeling rudeness from you at all, I sincerely hope I'm not coming off as rude to you!) First of all, I have an adult brain and DD does not. Hers is still forming. I'm not going to go into the science that supports my feeling that most types of media are not safe for small, developing brains, but it's science I believe in. Furthermore, I wish I hadn't been gifted the computer. I'm still getting used to the idea. I had an old desktop that I bought second hand, so that I didn't have to hand money over to Dell or whatever....but it was so old that I couldn't run a lot of programs and that meant that I had to go to different places (all very far away) like families houses and occasionally to kinkos or something, to do things that I should be able to do at home.It also meant that I couldn't go outside to work while my kids are running wild out there and would have to stop working and get distracted by going downstairs to peek out a window at them. My business partner finally just bought a laptop for me (out of company funds) because I was being stubborn about it....it's true that in the last couple of weeks I've been posting a lot on Mothering...because business is slow this time of year and I'm pregnant and sick as a dog....but this laptop is normally used exclusively for working. As in, putting food on the table. Trust me, I wish I never had to turn the thing on. But still...it's not the same. There are no bright lights, catchy tunes and offensive (to me) characters and concepts for my DD to get sucked in to. It's not appropriate for kids, in my view. It's just not.

 

 

I totally agree with you, re: the cold cuts and your parents. There have been SO many times when my mother or MIL was doing something with the kids that I would normally NEVER do, or saying something that I don't agree with, etc....but as long as they are happy and bonding and building awesome memories, it rarely even crosses my mind until much later that they were eating something terrible, hearing something I'm not ready for my kids to talk about or whatever. I didn't have grandparents growing up and I always fantasized about what it would be like...so I DO NOT insert myself into the middle of that relationship, I respect it highly. I'm not a total crazy person about this stuff, I really don't spend **any time** policing anyones behavior around my kids, really, AT ALL. I'm not like that at all.....but the reason I don't have to be, is because everyone in our life is loving and respectful. They dig that we care about making a simple lovely world for our kids and they respect that it's our right to want to see things done a certain way. So, it's an exception to the rule that someone does something that I really wouldn't do in my house...and I never. say. a. word....because I know that when Nonnie sits down and watched Little Mermaid with them...or Grandmimi feeds them shrimp fries...even though Disney Princess is TOTALLY not a part of our life at home and even though I'm CERTAIN those gross looking shrimp fries had msg or something gross in them....that our family is just being in the moment and having fun with our kids. I would rather have a grandparent who gets wrapped up in fun and shows them something I don't like or feeds them something I would NEVER feed my kids....than to have grandparents who are thinking "should I do this? Is this okay" and second guess themselves.

 

I don't try and dictate what the relationships look like....but I'm in a family where, on both sides, the worst thing that happens is some kind of gross junk food once in a blue moon...or some Disney Princess here and there...underneath what happens and how things go down, is a basic love and respect from everyone, when it comes to what I'm trying to do as a parent. These people believe in me, in my DH and in our vision for our family...and they want us to succeed in reaching our goals as parents.

 

Why does the OP have to keep bending and bending....why do her ILs get to undermine her and be UNloving and DISrespectful at every turn. When does the OP get to say "no"? That's my gripe here.How come they keep getting to do this to her...but she's got to be "mindful of the complexities of family dynamics" etc etc. She's obviously trying...it's wearing her out.

 


Edited by BroodyWoodsgal - 11/2/11 at 10:15am
post #56 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post

I think all gifts should be accepted with a thank you.  I don't love every gift my children are given, but I certainly don't take it away from my happy kid and tell them how inappropriate it is and then donate it.  Talk with your inlaws and explain why you prefer one type of toy over another if you want.  I totally see this as the kid wants a particular item and Grandma and Grandpa give it to her.  Sounds pretty normal to me.

 


Many 5 year olds benefit from computer time.  My kid's favorite part of school?  The 15 minutes a day he spends practicing letter on the computer.
 

 



Very true.  If some posters want to end their child's relationship with their grandparents over buying toys with batteries, that's just sad.  I think teaching your children to accept gifts with grace is infinitely more important than teaching them to reject gifts because they're exactly the right one.  Teaching them, by example, your values will go much further than simply sheltering them from everything in the world that you don't want them exposed to.  (I find it hilarious that so many posters in this thread claim to limit screen time while they're sitting on their own computers.  Wonder why your kid wants a laptop?)

 

I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?

 

There is a huge difference between the 15 minutes a day that your child spends practicing letters on the computer at school and the ATROCIOUS games that they preload for kids on these electronic gaming systems and mini-laptops.

 

As for the bolded....my son is sleeping next to me and my DD is in the yard making a snowman, where she has been for hours today and where my son was until he came in and crashed. My kids don't sit and watch me when I'm on the computer and I'm rarely on it when they are in my space and in need of my attention. My DD doesn't want a laptop at all...because she hasn't been exposed to the idea that they are a source of entertainment and fun. Her entertainment and fun comes from her mind, the outside and her brother and dogs and other family members. She has only seen extremely boring things being done with a laptop, with the exception of the occasional thing that I look up and show her (for instance, she wanted to see pictures of a sari, so that she could draw a woman wearing one, so I showed her pictures from the internet).

 

Nobody said anything at all about the OP rejecting the gift in front of her DD. I've never been put in a situation where an inappropriate gift was given...but if I were, it would be between me and the adult who gave it and there would be profuse thanking...and a thank you note from DD. I don't teach my children to shoot down gifts or nay say other peoples efforts. But when they are old enough to understand, I WILL talk with them about not tolerating constant disrespect from family members.

 

And yeah I DO limit screen time. What, because *I* use a computer(mostly for work), I should just "give up" and not restrict screen time for my kids? Well...I also don't let my kids drink alcohol...but you know, adults DO get to drink in my house. Wow, that seems a bit hypocritical, doesn't it!? That's it....beers for all the kids from now on!! I was such a silly fool, making the adult decision to restrict my childrens access to something I feel is not age appropriate/healthy for them, while indulging in said restricted item myself! NO MORE!! I'm reformed!!

 


 

 

post #57 of 78


You're putting in a lot words that no one is using.  I never said your line was "dumb".  However, you do understand that what works for you and your life, may not work the same for others?
 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post

I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?

 

There is a huge difference between the 15 minutes a day that your child spends practicing letters on the computer at school and the ATROCIOUS games that they preload for kids on these electronic gaming systems and mini-laptops.

 

As for the bolded....my son is sleeping next to me and my DD is in the yard making a snowman, where she has been for hours today and where my son was until he came in and crashed. My kids don't sit and watch me when I'm on the computer and I'm rarely on it when they are in my space and in need of my attention. My DD doesn't want a laptop at all...because she hasn't been exposed to the idea that they are a source of entertainment and fun. Her entertainment and fun comes from her mind, the outside and her brother and dogs and other family members. She has only seen extremely boring things being done with a laptop, with the exception of the occasional thing that I look up and show her (for instance, she wanted to see pictures of a sari, so that she could draw a woman wearing one, so I showed her pictures from the internet).

 

Nobody said anything at all about the OP rejecting the gift in front of her DD. I've never been put in a situation where an inappropriate gift was given...but if I were, it would be between me and the adult who gave it and there would be profuse thanking...and a thank you note from DD. I don't teach my children to shoot down gifts or nay say other peoples efforts. But when they are old enough to understand, I WILL talk with them about not tolerating constant disrespect from family members.

 

And yeah I DO limit screen time. What, because *I* use a computer(mostly for work), I should just "give up" and not restrict screen time for my kids? Well...I also don't let my kids drink alcohol...but you know, adults DO get to drink in my house. Wow, that seems a bit hypocritical, doesn't it!? That's it....beers for all the kids from now on!! I was such a silly fool, making the adult decision to restrict my childrens access to something I feel is not age appropriate/healthy for them, while indulging in said restricted item myself! NO MORE!! I'm reformed!!

 


 

 



My kid has had a play laptop with games on it.  I didn't find them atrocious at all, they were spelling games.  I never said you should give up your work, not sure hwere that came from.  I'm just pointing out that kids want to do what their parents do.  Seeing mom or dad on a computer and them wanting their own computer isn't a huge leap.  You're getting really defensive about posts that don't agree with your views. 

post #58 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post


You're putting in a lot words that no one is using.  I never said your line was "dumb".  However, you do understand that what works for you and your life, may not work the same for others?
 



My kid has had a play laptop with games on it.  I didn't find them atrocious at all, they were spelling games.  I never said you should give up your work, not sure hwere that came from.  I'm just pointing out that kids want to do what their parents do.  Seeing mom or dad on a computer and them wanting their own computer isn't a huge leap.  You're getting really defensive about posts that don't agree with your views. 



The bolded is all I'm trying to say.

 

The OP started her post by explaining her values and why this laptop is not good for their home. She made HER values known. So, why do I keep hearing about other peoples values? I shouldn't be reading posts about how "well my kid lvoes the computer" - yeah, good for you, the OP needs advice about how not to start a feud with her ILs and still maintain the kind of household she is striving for. Over and over again on this thread we've heard (paraphrasing and generalizing) "I can't BELIEVE anyone would honestly make such a big deal out of a Hello Kitty laptop" - and what I'm trying to say is that, as a parent, I have a RIGHT to think that a HK laptop is completely inappropriate for my five year old. If I draw the line at the Hello Kitty laptop, that's where the line is. It's not about the laptop...it's about the mindless time suck and electronic noise and flashing lights and the fact that many of us here agree with the science that says that it's not good for developing brains to be in front of that crap. At all. Again...we're not talking about something like a movie...that runs for an hour and then is off. We're talking about a mode of entertainment, an ENTIRE CONCEPT, that the OP finds completely inappropriate for her five year old, that will be on and ready at any time of the day or night. Some of us don't like to encourage electronic play and media as entertainment to small children. This is not some far off fringe thing around here, many parents on MDC feel this way. There are whole philosophies surrounding childrearing and education that highly promote media free households for small children for very well thought out and scientifically backed reasons. I'm not saying YOU should be media free...I'm saying the OP, as a parent who is striving for media restriction in her house who has made her feelings and wishes known MANY times and who has those wishes and feelings thrown in her face over and over again by the same people, has the right to tell those people "Oh, thank you so much....you know, I think that should be a special toy that we keep at your house for them to play with!"....she has a right not to have it in her house. It's not a doll. It's not a board game. It's a talking, blinking, music blaring, ray emitting electronic toy that the ILs bought KNOWING FULL WELL that it doesn't fit with the basic goals that the family is striving to meet.

 

When you say something like "My sons favorite part of the day is the fifteen minutes he spends learning his letters on the computer" and "...your values will go much further than simply sheltering them from everything in the world that you don't want them exposed to..." - it makes it seem like the intention of some parents to restrict access to or shelter young kids from certain things is misguided and like, because it works for YOUR son, that other moms shouldn't make such a big deal out of it. A lot of the comments here have been dismissive of the goals of media restricting parents and yeah, I get defensive, when people suggest that I'm "simply" sheltering my kids from certain things instead of teaching them by example. So, yeah....you didn't say "dumb"....but you certainly made it seem like the ideas of us "shelterers" are a bit silly.

 

Anyway. The situation the OP has found herself in is one tiny snapshot of her life and interactions with her ILs. OP, my advice about what to actually do is in my initial post, there have been some other suggestions that I think are really worth looking at. Ignore the people who make it seem like you're making a big deal out of nothing. It's not nothing..you are not crazy, I understand why this thing in particular is just too much. The important thing is navigating this respectfully with your ILs...don't start something with them, but don't back down and let them make a mockery of everything you are working on with your family.

 

My son is waking up, I'm sure because of my intense click clacking. Time to go.

post #59 of 78

First, I'd like to request that people try to keep this thread respectful.  I know that feelings get tense around this subject becasue the response of one person can feel like such a personal attack to another.  But you can attempt to disagree while not being insulting.

 

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by daisymama12 View Post

 

I'm a vegetarian, but I think you should eat what you want. I would resent someone telling me how to spend my money.

 



The question is, for *this family* is this situation equivalent to giving a gift to a vegetarian of a beef stick.  At some point, a gift stops being a sincere gift and crosses the line into passive agressiveness. 

 

I do NOT know where it is for this family.  I also CANNOT know how passionately the OP feels about plastic.  It is not my issue, but I have other issues that you may find unimportant.  Other people's views of them does not mean I need to give them up.  I think each family does need to pick their "hill to die on."  For me, a Hello Kitty Laptop for a 5 year old wouldn't be it (It would become a car toy.  I know this because my kids got Leapsters at that age and that is what they were.  Then the DSs).  But I may have another issue.  It is hard when your expectations do not line up with mainstream society because the line gets tricky.  I think we can all agree that there ARE gifts that we would no allow our young children to accept with politeness and goodwill (for example, pornography).  But that is a common, shared societal feeling.  Wheras when you have an aversion to something that is acceptable within the mainstream, communicating that belief can be hard and then met with disbelief.

 

Quote:
Originally Posted by AverysMomma View Post

I'm sure there is a gift someone could give your kid (at five years old), that you would find offensive and that you would insist upon leaving at the home of the giver for "special play time at xyz's house". I respect where you draw the line, why is my line so dumb?

 

 

For me, in these situations it comes back to the objective of the giver.  If an aquaintance gave a gift that went against my beliefs in some way, it would't be a big deal.  If a close family member did, and I knew for a fact they understood the symbolism of the gift--- the issue is no longer the ITEM, the issue is the lack of respect towards my desires. 

post #60 of 78
Quote:
Originally Posted by TiredX2 View Post

First, I'd like to request that people try to keep this thread respectful.  I know that feelings get tense around this subject becasue the response of one person can feel like such a personal attack to another.  But you can attempt to disagree while not being insulting.

 

 



The question is, for *this family* is this situation equivalent to giving a gift to a vegetarian of a beef stick.  At some point, a gift stops being a sincere gift and crosses the line into passive agressiveness. 

 

I do NOT know where it is for this family.  I also CANNOT know how passionately the OP feels about plastic.  It is not my issue, but I have other issues that you may find unimportant.  Other people's views of them does not mean I need to give them up.  I think each family does need to pick their "hill to die on."  For me, a Hello Kitty Laptop for a 5 year old wouldn't be it (It would become a car toy.  I know this because my kids got Leapsters at that age and that is what they were.  Then the DSs).  But I may have another issue.  It is hard when your expectations do not line up with mainstream society because the line gets tricky.  I think we can all agree that there ARE gifts that we would no allow our young children to accept with politeness and goodwill (for example, pornography).  But that is a common, shared societal feeling.  Wheras when you have an aversion to something that is acceptable within the mainstream, communicating that belief can be hard and then met with disbelief.

 

 

For me, in these situations it comes back to the objective of the giver.  If an aquaintance gave a gift that went against my beliefs in some way, it would't be a big deal.  If a close family member did, and I knew for a fact they understood the symbolism of the gift--- the issue is no longer the ITEM, the issue is the lack of respect towards my desires. 


I've often wished I could be more concise and less impassioned on the internet, I struggle so hard with both of those things. If I had to dream up a perfect post to this thread, the above is what I would have wanted to post. Everything you said is exactly what I feel...especially the bolded...that is EXACTLY what is happening to the OP here.

 

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