I am not sure what forum to post this under but I am having an awkward situation with my mother in law and want perspective. My husband thinks I should just let this go and that it is not a big deal but it is kind of pissing me off!
To start, my mil and I have an off and on relationship. I think we both think the other is kind of rude, but in different ways! I am very blunt and direct and she is (in my opinion) more passive agressive. She acts sort of mild and polite for a while, then later she un leashes kind of a wrath of fury- like a " this is what i really think of you" at me. We recently had a falling out where she lashed out all these negative feelings she has at me. Prior to that we had been getting along pretty well, and a while before that we had some other conflicts. But she and dh get along well and the thing is that we just recently moved pretty close to her- in the same neighborhood! So we are in eachothers' lives right now, and she is in ds (19 months)'s life. And I am happy to have her in ds's life, and when we get along to have her in my life. she and dh get along fine.
So there is a whole lot of various issues going on which I think is just our two very different upbringings, and our very different priorities about life coming into conflict. But in this instance I want to post abot this awkward situation.
So MIL got (re) married about 2 yrs ago to a man she had been with for about 2 yrs before that. DH and I have been together about 6 years ( a little more) and married also for 2. So the man she married was pretty much a stranger to both me and dh, and in no way a father figure to dh. We only recently even moved near them so we don't even know him that well.
So MIL has always been on my case about how supposedly standofish I am to her husband. And I guess I am, but I just don't feel that because he married my husband's mom that he is instantly my intimate family. and I tend to take a while to let people close to me, and sort of resent it that MIL is always telling me I need to let her husband into my life more. she says I am mean to him- which I am not at all- he is an okay guy I guess, other than me feeling like people are trying to force me to think of him as family and I just don't! I am a pretty private person in general.
So ths issue at hand is regarding my son's relationship w- this man. I am fine with him having a relationship with my son. but I do not consider him to be his grandfather. His grandfathers are my dad, and dh's dad. So MIL is insistant that we teach ds (19 month old) to call her husband a grandfather like term. I don't want to say it here specifically- but it isn't granpa but it is one of those types of names. MIL says this is what people in his family call the granfather type of person. I have said to her again and again that I want him to just call him by his first name. I brought it up again the other day becuase they continue to disregard my feelings about this and slip in the name to ds all the time. I think it is really annoying. MIL yelled at me about it the other day- saying how awful and selfish of me it is- and how mean I am to her husband, blah blah. and why can't I budge on this one thing- amongst a whole lash out of other insults. Now I admit I can see how I may have pissed her off in some situations of late- too long and detailed to get nto here- just by the nature of me having different values than her. Because we had some tircky situations this year where we had to depend on her to help us out- and she now feels I guess that we took herfor granted, or over used her- or at least that if they are willing to help us as we needed, that I should therefore allow my son to call her husband a grandfatherly name.
For me the issue is that I think those types of names are special, and terms of endearment- and should be used for the person who had some deep connection to one of the parents. I know some people call some non family "uncle" or whatever- or similar things, but even in that case it is because someone in the family had a close relationship with them. This guy she wants my son to call grandpa- type of name- he is somewhat of a stranger to both me and dh.
So dh thinks I am making too big a deal out of it, and dh's mom thinks I am deliberatley being selfish and rude- etcetera. And I think it is my right to determine who my baby calls intimate names and has that type of relatioship with, and also that it is my right to let her husband into my life as I see fit. I am never rude to him- I let ds play with him and all that, but some times I am standofish when I feel they are not respecting my bondaries.